#67: The Fucking Radio

I'm actually typing this as I shit. It's pretty relaxing. And as I'm sitting here taking the Browns to the Super Bowl I realized something: I would rather listen to an audio file of me shitting on a loop than listen to the radio. I mean who fucking listens to the radio? And if you do, Why? Just go download whatever song you want for free. That way you don't have to hear some fuck head screeching about credityes.com every five minutes. Or Tom Shane imploring you to buy his diamonds or else he'll come to your door and continue to drone on like he's a fucking alien in a human suit and he doesn't know how to talk normal. Its not like the radio plays good music anyways. I heard Katy Perry's "Firework" exactly once before it got old. Her songs aren't half as good as her tits are. Once radio gets hold of a song, they fucking play it FOREVER too. Its the same 15 songs just on fucking repeat over and over for months on end until Rihanna puts out another atrocious album and fucks all the DJs for airtime (at least I assume that's how she gets on the air). What the fuck is with that song "Rude Boy"? Call me rude boy boy is you big enough? What kind of fucking lyrics are those? Just come out and say it Rihanna, you want some dick. Get it out of your system so you can focus on making actual songs not 5 minutes of vocal foreplay. Disgusting. I don't want to hear that shit from someone who looks like her anyways. Fucking go back to Pandora (the planet from Avatar, not the music site) where you belong.


The worst part is when the DJs think I want to hear them talk about stuff that me and all the other people in the world don't give two shits about. Cool you went to the waterfront and saw the parade along the Willamette. So did 14,000 other people and they don't feel the need to tell everyone who listens to Z100. Its not like once the music comes on the situation gets better anyways. I haven't intentionally listened to the radio in like 5 years because it is so fucking horrible. I mean sometimes you're in someone else's car, usually a slut, and they turn the radio on and of course they have to turn it up cause KE$HA IS ON and that music gets girls psyched to blow cock or something, whatever. Radio is like that annoying fat friend hot chicks have. You don't want it there, ever, but sometimes you have to listen to it in order to fuck some strange.

#66: This Person, Whoever They May Be

Open this up in a different tab and read along while I make fun of her stupid ass

I was doodling around on google and I came across this blog, and I said hmm look at this. This person and I are kindred spirits, they complain about shit too. So I went and read it. And let me tell you, this person and I have nothing in common. This person is a fucking loser piece of shit and everyone should hate them forever and ever. I mean seriously, how can you hate on New Year's Eve? A quote from the article: "I haven't had a good New Year's since 2004." Well who's fucking fault is that? It's not everyone else's responsibility to make sure your lame ass has a fun time. That's what alcohol is for. Seriously, how hard is it to get drunk? Obviously not very hard, because the broke ass mexican fucks in the apartments a couple blocks from my house do it every day (and get in fist fights in front of their kids). The only problem I can see for not having a good time on New Year's is if you have no friends. But that's really more of a problem that lasts all year than a problem that only shows up December 31st. You can tell whoever is writing this is a chick beause the first things you see are pictures of celebrities and food. Fucking whores. Then she complains about how expensive food is...She lives in fucking LA. If you want cheap food you probably shouldn't live in a city where the average income is like 6 million dollars and you probably shouldn't live in a state that has a debt the size of Kristen Stewart's front two teeth.

In high school, this person apparently got a hotel room for her and her friends on New Year's. They got kicked out before midnight because they were being too loud...That's when you tell whoever is in the room across from you to fuck off and smash a bottle across his face. You don't say Oh okay sorry sir we'll just fuck right off! Although I'm sure your shrill woman screams about how drunk you were after a glass of champagne would have made me want you as far away from me as possible too. So you probably deserved that one.

Then two years ago, she had tickets to see Gnarls Barkley and The Flaming Lips live and says, and this is a direct quote, "Sounds good right?" ...NOPE. Not at all actually. News flash, bands centered around computers and not instruments are gay as shit live. I didn't know anything about the Flaming Lips though so I went and checked a live video out on youtube...I got as far as the part where there were like 8 people onstage dressed up as rabbits and I fucking stopped because a) that's fucking lame and b)all that had happened in the first 1:30 was a drum beat and some feedback. Oh and the singer twirled a ribbon around. Maybe that's cool to people with vaginas but definitely not people who listen to good music.


There's even other people that have posted their little New Year's horror stories and its like if I wrote a blog about how I hated New Year's. Although instead of being "funny" and "offensive", they are "stupid" and "obviously written by a dumb fucking whore". Here is my favorite, and remember this is a direct quote from a real person named Andrea:
"The stupid economy is going to make everything suck. People will be less cheerful because they are behind on mortgages. Having no place to sleep bites. God, how I hate a recession."
That's the entire entry. What a fucking stupid whore thing to say. It combines two things women love to do when they open their mouths for something besides sucking dick, namely complaining and trying to sound intellectual. You can tell that she has no idea what the fuck she is saying, she just wanted to use the words 'economy', 'mortgage', and 'recession' in a sentence. People will be less cheerful because they are behind on mortgages? No, people will get more hammered because they are behind on mortgages. Plus, no one gives a fuck if you have nowhere to sleep. And the fucking economy? Give me a break. Since when is New Year's an expensive holiday? It's not like you have to buy any fucking gifts for people. All you need is like 40 bucks for a half gal of some cheap whiskey and RC cola for the women at your party who insist on chasers. And if you can't afford that then its not the economy's fault, its your fault for being a poor broke fuck.

#65: Math

Anyone out there who is planning on being an accountant, or a tax person or whatever the fuck its called, just know that you do a useless job. Your life, if you choose to pursue said career paths, can be done faster and more accurately entirely by a computer. Really you are getting paid to press buttons. Your life is a glorified, and yet, paradoxically underwhelming, video game.
Congratulations on wasting your entire college education on trying to become what I can pick up at staples for under 20 dollars.


Math in general has got to be the fucking stupidest thing ever. Oh sure it was great at one point, around, oh I don't know, WHEN JESUS DIED!!!! Until the fucking abacus came along and rendered the ability to count in your head useless!!! Completely and utterly fucking USELESS. Useless like having a land phone line. Useless like "poking" people on Facebook. Useless like Stephen Hawking's legs.
Useless since 1942!


And now guess what, there's an even better and easier way to count shit and it goes by the name of A FUCKING CALCULATOR! You can literally add, subtract, multiply, fucking submultivide, I don't care whatever you want, ANY number that ever existed! Or will exist! I wasted so much fucking time on math in school. The first 6 years (K-6th grade) I learned addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, and OMG long division. Which was nuts back then...Until I learned it took a FRACTION (see what I did there) of the time to press "14" "divided by" "23" and get 0.608695652. That would have taken me longer than it took James Cameron to make Avatar if I had to long divide that shit. Then in middle school it was Algebra where somehow letters were numbers and the little letters were more numbers and just a bunch of confusing shit. Yet, I just got a new more complicated calculator and it still did the math for me. And in high school it was fucking statistics, all kinds of fuckheadery, but I STILL COULD DO IT ALL WITH A FUCKING CALCULATOR.

...Fuck my life


College I'm not too sure because I finally figured out how retarded it was and didn't pay attention. I just stared at this super hot asian chick who was one of those rare asians that didn't have a fucking flat child size ass. I mean her ass was NICE. Fucking asians are always good at that math shit too so you know its useless. What else are asians good at? Kung-Fu? I'll get a gun and shoot you before you can karate kick me. Eating with chopsticks? I'll get a fork. Or a spoon. Or (wait for it) A SPORK. Having little weiners? Not even gonna say anything about that one. Math is fucking lame. I rest my case.

#64: Potpourri

Poems That Don't Rhyme: How fucking easy is it to write these? Seriously, its like those paintings by that little kid that sold for like 300 thousand dollars or some shit. I could write a poem just as good as any other poem that didn't rhyme. I'll do it right now:

Drunken Blumpkin by Josh - 2010

Purple mountain majesties
Living amongst the simple villagers
Putting the pussy into a coma
And shitting in the pool

See its not hard. Or cool. So I don't understand the fucking infatuation poetry queers have with poets who can't even be bothered to think hard enough to find words that rhyme. Fuck em, I say.

Pay Day Candy Bars: Way too many fucking peanuts. Did Mr. Peanut just blow a load on a lump of caramel? Cause that's what it looks like. Fucking gross

Chuck Norris Jokes: Okay Chuck Norris is kind of cool, but those jokes are getting stale faster than Betty White's...well...you get the idea. And they're getting more and more abstract too, there's a point you cross where it goes from funny to just fucking weird and nonsensical (cough Family Guy stop being lazy cough). It'll be something retarded like "Chuck Norris eats cow shit and poops cheeseburgers". I'm over it guys.

Kings Of Leon: Look, they had one average album, two radio hits, and that's it. Give it up, music critics, we don't fucking buy into the fake hick/actual hipster (hickster?) image. Plus their music just isn't that great. I mean come on. Your Sex Is On Fire? What, did they all get VD from some Tonya Harding-esque roadie and then write a song about it? Don't know, don't care.

Glee: I didn't exactly like this show in the beginning, but I could respect what they were doing. Now, they've sold out faster than Ice Cube and the story lines suck. The music sucks. The show blows, but not only that, it compromised its artistic integrity and seemingly wants to be picked up by MTV for its 3rd season or some shit, to be sandwiched at 8 on Thursday night between 16 and Pregnant and Jersey Shore. I assume that most of you tuned out by the end of the first sentence and I apologize but I had to get that off my chest.

People Who Say They Snowboard, Or That They Play The Guitar When Really, They Are Terrible: Pretty self-explanitory. I'll break it down real easy for you, if you play guitar and do any of the following when other people are listening to you play, then you are a poser:
-Playing Eruption. I used to do this a lot and let me tell you from personal experience, its fucking stupid
-Not be able to sing a whole song. If you stop after the first chorus because you don't know the words that makes you look like an idiot AND a shit guitar player. Plus its not that hard to just fucking learn the whole song. And if you can't sing, either join a band or don't play for people cause no one likes instrumental music (unless its amazing grace on bagpipes).
-Playing Time Of Your Life by Green Day. NO. NO no no no...N. O. Never EVER
And the Snowboarding poser list:
-Tucking your pants into your boots. Just looks retarded, and literally everyone I've seen do this ends up being terrible.
-Being russian. Not to be racist (though I realize I am being racist), but they're just annoying as fuck on the mountain. Cool FILA jacket Vladimir, go back to Moscow.
-Riding (not jumping) off the lip to a rail/box but not actually hitting the rail/box. EVERY TIME YOU DO THIS IT FUCKS UP THE LIP FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE BALLS TO TRY SHIT. I don't care if you eat shit and lay there for 5 minutes blocking the landing, at least you tried. I mean I sucked real bad at one point too. But when I see people just going through the park, and fucking going off the sides of the lip, it saddens me very deeply because YOU FUCKED UP THE LIP. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, then you are one of these fuck heads and you should stay in the little kids park hitting rainbow boxes until you get it.

#63: Black Licorice

Who the fuck eats black licorice? It is the worst taste in the entire world. I would rather put anything else, literally anything else, in my mouth. I would rather eat a box full of raccoons that had died in a fire that was started when someone lit a match too close to Nicolas Cage's filthy greasy hair. I would rather submerge my head in a vat of Gabriel Iglesias's body sweat, seal myself in and be forced to drink my way out. Do you even know anybody who likes black licorice? Besides that creepy fuck in Candyland who looks like Willy Wonka fucked a 17th century Spaniard? How does black licorice even continue to get made? Its a god damn disgrace. If more than two people read this then I would say let's fucking start protesting black licorice production but there's not so I won't. Not to mention its a weird fucking word, since when did the letters C and E combine to make a SH sound? Oh that's right fucking never...Not only is it a fucking stupid word, it also is unhealthy for you. Some of the side effects (and I am getting these from a real website) include:
-Impotence. Yeah like anyone who eats black licorice regularly is getting laid anyways. Still a horrible horrible thing. But, it also makes women miss periods so maybe you should sneak some black licorice extract into your girlfriend's food. It wouldn't be the first time something black had an aversion to pregnancies.
-Hypertension. Sweet now this fucking shit can give me a heart attack? You may as well smoke a couple packs and inject cholesterol into your arteries. If black licorice was a character in Harry Potter, it would hang out with Voldemort all the time and probably make weird creepy comments to an underage Hermione. Fucking chimo ass licorice fuck.

So there it is. Black licorice will kill you and make you a limp dick nerd if you eat it. You heard it here first. I can see the newspaper headlines now: "Cliched Angst Ridden Teenager Brings Awareness To How Fucking Lame Black Licorice Is; Carlos Mencia Immediately Ordered To Eat The World's Supply"

#62: People Who Think They Are Just Too Fucking Cool

What the fuck is your problem guy? I was "kicking it" with my "bro" the other day and his friend happened to tag along. I knew something was wrong with him the moment I noticed he was wearing a Lacoste shirt. Or whatever that brand is with the fucking stupid alligator, I'm not 100% sure. Anyways, his white loafers and shirt with two buttons told me one thing: This kid (who will be referred to as Fuck Face from now on) was a piece of shit. I was trying to hit up Ross for some sickter gnar deals but apparently that didn't sit too well with Fuck Face because he wanted to go to the mall. "Ha what are you 12?" I said to Fuck Face. "No man those clothes are just stupid. They're cheap and I'd rather go to Hollister."
WEEEEOOOOOOWEEEEEEOOOOOO That was the douche alarm and its going off like mad right now. What a stuck up asshole! Hollister is for people who like taking big hairy dicks right in the cornhole. Maybe not literally, but figuratively. Its so stupid how people will put something down simply because its not expensive enough. Wow cool your parents bought you a fucking 2008 Evo, that doesn't mean you can talk shit about my '83 Subaru. Because though you may get to the mountain faster, I will still destroy you at snowboarding since you are A) a fuck head and B) a spoiled fuck head. It doesn't matter if you have the nicest 2011 gear ever, I could ride my friend's toy plastic board and still be cooler than you. I also hate it when people talk shit about Wal-Mart. So the fuck what if they pay the retarded people that work there in shiny buttons, I like getting my Pop-Tarts for 20 cents less. Not to mention fast food places...I've known so many Fuck Heads to show complete disdain for Wendy's and then go out and blow 40 dollars at Applebee's because apparently its "classy". News flash, it doesn't matter where you go out to eat, you probably work at a tanning salon or Target or some shit and therefore nothing you do will ever be classy. Nothing on the Applebee's menu is better than a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger anyways. Get off your fucking high horse. If you don't get off your high horse I'm just going to put it down anyways. DOUBLE ENTENDRE

#61: From The Desk Of Santa

Alright you little fuckers, each year its been getting more and more ridiculous, the shit that you ask for, but now I have had enough. What the fuck even is a "Wii"? What is so bad about a fucking train set or maybe (I know I'm talking crazy here) peace on earth? No, you shit heads don't care if poor little Juanita gets two bullet casings and a dead dog for christmas. Just as long as you get your greasy little hands on some fucking silly bands right? Or maybe it was a LOST box set that you asked for. Spoiler Alert: That show is worse than a virgin on prom night. Anyways, this year its about me, fuck heads. That's right, Santa Claus is about to Ho Ho rip you a new asshole. You know that song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Well this year its going to change to "I Saw Mommy Going Cross Eyed On The Counter While Santa Was Posted Up Balls Deep Hittin It From Behind, Because Mrs. Claus Doesn't Put Out After 250 Years Of Marriage". Maybe I'll drop a little Houdini action on her and Blitzen and I can switch off. You know what else, fuck drinking milk, I'm getting slizzard on Christmas Eve. But Santa, what if you crash :( ? Rudolph is good at flying hammered, I see him do it all the time. Better question, why do I have to go around the fucking world, literally the entire WORLD in a queer ass sleigh? Being pulled by animals that look like, let's face it, gay elk. I give you guys free shit every year, the least you could do is pony up for an airplane or some shit. And christ, enough with the Christmas movies. Fucking Tim Allen? Really? That's what you guys think of me? This is a guy who got caught with 650 grams (over a pound) of coke at an airport! He's also got a DUI charge! What the FUCK? It doesn't matter now I guess, this year I'm saying fuck it. Don't be surprised if you wake up on christmas morning to discover 'ol Santa face down in a pile of his own vomit that smells like Jack Daniels and sadness because I just don't give a fuck anymore.

#60: The Green Bay Packers

Wisconsin...Haha what a fucking shit hole place. Home to the shit hole that is Lambeau Field. Which is home to the shit show Packers. Hey I'm Aaron Rodgers I like to scramble for 8 yards and then get concussed like a bitch. Then I'll sit out a few games because my poor widdle head huwts :( hahahaha douche status for sure! I guess they'll have to rely on their running game now...Oh wait Ryan Grant is on IR because his ankle is broken like Tony Parker's marriage. Look the Sunday night game just ended...HA!!!! Matt Flynn takes a sack, on the New England ten yard line, on fourth down, as time expires! Taking a sack that close to the goal line is retarded, taking a sack on fourth down is retarded, and taking a sack as time expires is the football equivilent of shooting yourself point blank in the face with a rifle. Matt Flynn you have outdone yourself. I bet Flynn wishes he was back at LSU railing whores instead of getting railed himself by 340 pound Vince Wilfork at night in 20 degree weather. The packers play in the NFC north and they still can't win the division. The fucking Bears? LOL Jay Cutler has less talent in his body than he does insulin (he's a diabetic). Good job losing to the Lions too, 7 to fucking 3 hahahaha dear GOD what an embarrassment. If your team can't put up a touchdown on the god damn Detroit Lions then you may as well pack it in for the season. The funniest thing to me is seeing all the people with Favre jerseys in the stands even though Favre totally went Hitler/Stalin on them (yeah I just compared Favre and the Packers to Hitler and Stalin fucking cry about it). HE FUCKING LEFT THREE YEARS AGO. Although who else's jersey are they gonna wear, Clay "homo viking" Matthews? Donald "I'm about to have a stroke" Driver? No. Fuck Green Bay.

#59: Madden

So many things wrong with this fucking game. I haven't bought Madden 11 yet because I just don't feel like spending 60 dollars for a plastic disc that will make me want to put a steel bullet in my head every time I play it. So maybe the new one is good, I don't fucking know. That's not the point. The point is that Madden 10 is frustrating and I hate the shit out of it. Things that are wrong with this game:

The Soundtrack: I want you listen to the song "Sugar" by System of a Down:
If you can get through the whole thing without grabbing your ears and literally ripping them off then you deserve a medal or some shit. Don't even get me started on the lyrics. Do the cunt punchers at EA Sports really expect me to believe that John Madden, John FUCKING MADDEN, listens to Set Your Goals? Or Korn? Or fucking Nas? I can maybe see him listening to Judas Priest but definitely not that Painkiller speed metal song that sounds like someone butt fucking a base drum while simultaneously beating off a whammy bar on an electric guitar that someone turned up and left right next to the amp so there is just continuous feedback. As if that weren't bad enough, there's not even a way for me to skip a song. So its like hey, fuck you, if you don't listen to shitty fucking music we're going to MAKE YOU HAHAHAHA FUCKER

The Actual Gameplay: This is crazy actually; I didn't know that in 2010 people in the NFL could only run at right angles, not freely as I had previously thought. Madden did a great job in capturing this. I am always thrilled when I switch to a cornerback and he gets burned by fucking Joe Flacco or some shit because my CB had to run in a fucking square just to go right. Another fun thing is when I'm playing defense and I get penetration (hehehe) and hit Tom Brady right in his fucking asshole face just as he is throwing, only to have the ball hang in the air long enough for Kate Gosselin to pop out another child and then land in the arms of Wes "Woody Harrelson of football" Welker 8 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Of course none of my guys are there and Wes gets like an 18 yard gain on what would have been an incomplete pass if the normal laws of fucking physics were in effect. This happens way too much, like at least 10 times every game. Fucking holding and clipping gets called on me every fucking 2 minutes it seems like too. Why the hell is there a holding penalty on a fucking video game? I have no control over the stupid fat fucks who play line. And it really fucking annoys me when I return a kick 98 yards for a TD only to have it called back because Cool Guy McFuckface thought it would be a good idea to clip the shit out of some guy 40 yards away from the play. Awesome

The Commentary: One of the commentators' name is Tom and that's all I really know about him because he is a fuck and I don't care to learn anything else about his life. The other one is Chris Collinsworth. Chris Collinsworth is just one of those people where you hear his voice and you say man I would really like that guy to not speak, or even really be alive anymore. Things I would rather do than listen to him talk:
-Throw myself off the Sears Tower
-Get a boner, stick it in a beehive, and hold it there for about 10 seconds
-Watch Teen Mom, Dancing With The Stars, or Sarah Palin's Alaska (maybe not Teen Mom)
-Have sex with Susan Boyle (I don't think I could do face to face though)
Anyways you get the idea. He is a fuck head. Anyone involved in the making of this game is also a fuck head, and I wish only terrible things for them and their families.

#58: People Who Complain About My Complaining

I'm fucking better than you at complaining about shit. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Don't go crying about how I belittle women (yep) or say racist shit (sometimes) because that's going to get you nowhere. Think about it. If I'm an asshole like you say I am (I really am) then why the hell would I give a flying fuck (I really don't) about your misguided attempt to change me anyways? Telling an asshole they're being an asshole is like telling Chris Kattan he is a no talent fuck who doesn't deserve the air in his lungs. Both are redundant and are a waste of fucking time, just like softball or the WNBA. So the fuck what if I say women aren't good at anything, they fucking aren't. If any bitch has a problem with that then I challenge them to a game of one on one. Or maybe they'd like to have a footrace? Perhaps a drinking game (smirnoff ice doesn't count as an alcoholic beverage sorry)? Yeah that's what I fucking thought. Shut up and finish my fucking laundry before my fist title nine's your face. There was also some dick chomping fuck who commented on some post and said I was too depressing. If you can get depressed by a fucking blog, by some 19 year old kid you don't know, then you should either Cobain yourself or get a new fucking outlook on life. Depressing would be if Florida sank into the ocean and my snowboard was in storage there, or if Eva Mendez died. My rants about fucking PETA and growing up should not depress you. And boo fucking hoo I make jokes about Kyron Horman and other dead people. Give me a fucking break you don't know them personally, they have as much emotional ties to you as the deuce I just pinched off after 3 Jr. Cheeseburgers and a Frosty Float (delicious). Also, the complaining about my swearing. Fuck you, you fucking fucks. When I say things like "fuck the WNBA those cunts suck ass!" thats what I want to say. Its not because I have a small vocabulary its just that "I dislike the WNBA, those floozies do not perform well in an athletic setting!" sounds like Stephen Hawking just banged out an anger blog on his keypad. That's pussy shit and I don't fuck with pussies I just fuck them.

#57: People Who Take Way Too Many Pictures

I can't count how many fucking times I have been around these people. You'd think that I could spot them and therefore avoid them or at the very least break their camera and/or phone into a thousand tiny pieces but no. I never can tell. Who the FUCK needs 100+ photos of their face close up? Apparently the first girl I clicked on while I was on facebook does. What the fuck do you do with your spare time? How long does it take to photoshop the fat parts of you out? Not to mention changing it to black and white, or the weird fucking angles, or whatever else you people seem to enjoy. Here's an idea: take up something musical. Do something that takes talent, stimulates your mind, and doesn't fucking involve being a fuck head piece of SHIT. Oh but you write a fucking lame ass blog like evey day you fucking hypocrite. Yeah it takes me fucking 10 minutes and other people actually get enjoyment out of it. No one wants to see another 45 degree angled close up of your stupid fucking eyelinered to shit emo whore face. I'm sorry but we can't all be movie stars. The worst is when I'm out doing shit with people and we have to take time out just for the sole purpose of taking a god damn picture for Myspace or Twitter or fucking Google images I don't fucking know. Sure maybe you take one group picture, whatever, I can understand that. But don't stand there for 20 minutes trying to get your wrinkly ass forehead to look normal, or your janky ass teeth to look white, or whatever else it is whores value. When I drive an hour and a half to the mountain I want to fucking shred I don't want to wait for little Suzie Perkins to fucking get her beanie at an angle that doesnt make her look like an abominable wench. I also don't get tanked for the sole purpose of taking pictures of how tanked I was. If people really cared about how tanked you got they would fucking be at your party getting tanked with you. Fucking whores and their cameras.

#56: Portlanders

They think they're sooooo fucking cool. Prancing around like a bunch of god damn fairies (literal ones, don't freak out at me super PC guy on the MAX). Nice fucking jeans you bought then cut to make shorts. Number 1, jean shorts are lamer than Barbaro after the Preakness, and number 2, if you're uncomfortable in regular jeans then just BUY FUCKING SHORTS. Its a lot cheaper and probably a lot more comfortable too. Oh but I forgot, you are so fashion forward. You know EVERYTHING about whats "cool" and "hip". You are yourself a "hipster", right? Just slip on your checkered vans, grab your cardigan and put your lensless glasses on and BOOM the chicks are going to be sopping wet the minute you step outside. Oh wait thats because its fucking raining just like every other day. So you should probably grab your 1960s umbrella before you head down to Powell's to go jerk one out in the Nietzsche section or whatever you fuck heads do in there. Fucking Voodoo donuts is a shit show too. Oh don't get me wrong, their donuts are top notch, but every time you're in line there's some fucking hobo yelling at you, or playing a beat to shit guitar while screaming incoherently, or doing "magic tricks" where all they really do is just try to steal your money. There's a sign that says no solicitors on the door but the people who work at Voodoo don't do shit about it because they're afraid to say shit to a 40+ year old man who looks and smells like he just dropped a deuce in his haggard ass sweatpants. Also, how many "vintage" clothing stores does one town need? It seems like there are more places to buy shit that Arnold Palmer wore when he won the 1964 Masters than there are where you can buy normal fucking clothes. I mean what the hell is wrong with a Ross or maybe even a Kohl's? Its not like these vintage places are cheaper anyways. 50$ for a pink and brown cardigan that cost 20 cents to make? Yeah fuck you too Buffalo Exchange. Remember the one I wrote about malls? Probably not but still. The Lloyd Center mall is like those bug lights that attract bugs. Instead of bugs though, its annoying fuck heads (mostly black people with cartoon backpacks and two tone jeans, shh), and instead of a light, its places like Lidz or Foot Locker or fucking Journeyz For Kids so they can buy their bastard child some fucking size 2 Kobe III's or whatever. Finally, those god damn biker fucks. I don't care if its more practical, I will not be reasoned with on this one. You cannot expect me to have any respect for someone who wears skintight shorts and a racing jersey to wherever they are going. I know you weren't fucking racing pal, and even if you were then you're still a fucking idiot because you were ROAD RACING A FUCKING BIKE. They always get on the news whenever some one (inevitably) gets hit by a car at night in the rain and they fucking go off on how people who drive cars are assholes and that bikes are the future and fucking cry cry cry bla bla BLA. That's the risk you take when you get on a fucking BIKE and ride it in the STREET. A CAR is going to cause serious harm to you when it hits you. Accidents happen. If you don't like it, then go to fucking China where everyone rides a bike and wears the same clothes and goes to shitty strip clubs in downtown. I'm sure you Portlanders will fit right in.

#55: Jelisa Castrodale

Who? Go read this first.

First, I'd like to point out the obvious mistake by NBC, which was letting a woman talk about sports. Not surprisingly, she talks about babies, furniture, and facebook in the first sentence without getting to her point, or really even mentioning her point at all. She seems to think that Cam Newton should give the Heisman back. Really? Since when did the fucking Heisman voting become an election that takes into account someone's character? No one took away O.J. Simpson's Heisman when he was accused of murder, but once Cam Newton's dad accepts a car then its LIGHTS FUCKING OUT for Cam. On a more personal level, this lady is a horrible fucking journalist. I don't know whose dick she sucked to get that job, but it must have been someone pretty high up. Just listen to this gem of a metaphor: "He was such a force of nature that I half-expected The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore to give mid-game reports from the Jordan-Hare sideline, while swaddled in some kind of weatherproof garment." Wow! That was amazing! She actually knows the name of Auburn's stadium! What a smart fucking slut! The metaphor itself is shit and I come up with better ones on a daily basis, just read the other posts on this blog, but wow! A woman knowing something about sports. Incredible. Wait...No. Sorry. She goes on to say this: "In November 2009, Newton’s father, Cecil, attempted to sell his son’s right arm to Mississippi State University, using an intermediary to tell the school that it would take 'more than a scholarship'". Ahh see she ruined it. His son's right arm? Obviously it would be his right arm and his legs if she knew anything about Cam Newton as a player, because Newton is the best scrambling QB since fucking Tim "bible Humper" Tebow. Just a stupid rookie mistake there. Then she goes on to quote the NCAA as saying that Cam Newton didn't know what his father had said or done. The fucking NCAA. You know, the people who give out the Heisman? I think that they should be the judge of that, not some fucking atrocious cunt with a name like Jelisa. The rest of the article is just a rant on how Cam Newton would be such a great guy if he gave the Heisman back after he won. Christ. Fucking women. Yeah Cam, just give it back. Even though you were reinstated by the NCAA 24 hours after being suspended, even though a court of law has found no wrongdoing on your part, give the HEISMAN FUCKING TROPHY BACK because some bitch name Jelisa (fucking JELISA!) thinks you made some questionable decisions when you were 17. Get a fucking life Jelisa and stop saying shit like "This won’t happen anywhere but in the super-awesome dream lobe of my brain, which is also the place where Tina Fey is my best friend and George Clooney is my duvet cover and I sweat pure Oreo filling." That right there just demolishes any credibility she may have had as a journalist.

#54: Deer Valley, Alta, Mad River Glen, Taos*

What the hell are those things? Hunting places? Shitty indie bands? No. Something far worse. They are snow resorts in North America that only allow skiers. Now, I'm not going to say I hate all skiers, because that would not be true, but this shit is fucking retarded. Deer Valley "prides itself on guest service, offering everything from ski valets to freshly cut flowers in the bathrooms." Yeah? That sure sounds like great service. They really go the extra mile. Unless you are a dirty grungy angry obnoxious snowboarder, then you can get the hell out and stay out! What a fucking joke. This is a prime example of someone taking snow sports, which I love, and skull fucking every last dollar out of it. Anyone who really cares about the experience of being on the mountain would not exclude people from enjoying it simply because they have one less plank of wood beneath their feet. Alta, like Deer Valley, is in Utah. Alta recieves the highest amount of snowfall in Utah and is known for having some of the steepest and most challenging terrain in America. I went on their website and tried to find a reason for their fuck headedness in the FAQ's but the only one they had up was "is there a terrain park on the mountain?" Their answer? "We found that our skiers were curious about the park, and had a lot of fun times jibbing. But we were astonished to discover that many more of our skiers preferred to use the natural terrain features, on our 2200 Acres, as their 'park'." Sounds like a bunch of fucking old gray bitter assholes who can't deal with progression of their sport. Their reason for not building a park isn't that they don't have a run that would work for a park or that they don't have the resources (which I gurantee they do, since a season pass is over 1000 dollars). No, their reason is that "the other skiers like the natural features more". Who the fuck did they talk to, their friend Gene who is 86 and rides moguls all day? What a fucking joke. This is really the icing on the shit streaked cake here: "Alta is one of the few remaining ski areas for skiers only and where the true feeling of lodge life remains." The true feeling of lodge life definitely not some fucking boy's club where snowboarders aren't allowed like the skiers are Dean Wormer's butt buddy Omega frat and snowboarders are the Delta frat (that was an Animal House reference if you are a fucking nerd and didn't get it). Deer Valley, Taos, they're exactly the same. Just a bunch of privately owned places run by crotchety old men with ED who compensate by banning "those god damn gays on trays who run around and drink and are dangerous". Well you know what Deer Valley, Alta, Mad River Glen, Taos, you can all eat shit and I hope karma fucks you over in the form of a 3 ton avalanche that buries the douchers that go there and your stupid one chair lifts forever.
*edit-Taos actually does allow boarders now so they are off my shit list. The fact that it took so long is still fucking ridiculous though

This is in Whistler but I think it really summarizes how some skiers are faggots and think they are better than everyone. Notice that its only the adults acting like cock gobblers and the kids just want to shred. Not to mention this is in fucking WHISTLER, the biggest fucking resort in North America

#53: Sports Bandwagon Fucks

There's nothing I hate more than bandwagon fuck heads who are so pathetic that they only like a team if they are doing good. These people make me sick. Like after the Patriots won a couple super bowls everyone jumped on Bill Belichick's dick like it was the last seat in a game of musical chairs. The fucking Patriots? New England, thats not even a fucking state! Its not even a fucking city! Do you even know what city they actually play in? What a fucking joke. And when the Seahawks went to the super bowl, god that was awesome (sarcasm). Hey congrats, you know who Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander are. Name two other people from that team without looking it up on the internet you bandwagon fuck. Yeah nice. Cool pink Hasselbeck jersey you bought your wife. Women are the worst about this too. First of all, ladies, you will never understand sports. Just know that if you have a vagina you will not be able to comprehend anything that involves being coordinated. Which is why a couple years ago Mcnabb didn't know that a game could end in a tie. Because he is a pussy. If you didn't get that reference then you're probably a bandwagon fuck and I want you to take your Oden jersey and shove it up your loose gaping asshole. Northwest people are terrible about this bandwagon shit, just look at the ducks. I see so many people taking pictures on facebook with their Oregon jerseys and putting the 'O' logo as their profile picture. Then you ask them what they think about Masoli and they go "who is that?" Or, "the guy who plays for Ole Miss? What about him?" Fucking makes me sick. If you can't name two people who have played in the NFL from Oregon not named Joey or LeGarrette then you really don't know shit about the team. Here's another example, the Mariners. How many people bought Ichiro jerseys back in 02 after their 116 win season and then haven't given a shit since 2004? A lot probably. being a bandwagon fuck is like being that loser in school who goes around trying to hang out with the popular kids. You think you are a cool kid but really youre that weird kid everyone makes fun of because you have no fucking spine/mind of your own.

#52: Pussies Who Complain About Violence In The NFL, And Random Shit

Pop Quiz: What would a little cry baby fuck head say while watching football?
Answer: Helmet to helmet hits are bad for the sport.
WRONG. Maybe those helmet to helmet hits are bad for that guy's temporal lobe, but they are not bad for the sport. What's cooler than seeing James Harrison almost murder someone by using his fucking head as a projectile? Not a lot. I really have no sympathy for those guys in the NFL anyways. Oh no, you get paid millions of dollars to play a fucking game for a living. Maybe if you are scared of getting vicously tackled by large black people you shouldn't have started playing football in the first place. Those rules for the QBs are garbage too. Ben Roethlisberger can force his dick inside of some drunk chick in a bathroom and get away with it but god forbid somebody slap him while he's wearing a helmet cause that's a $20,000 fine. At least he's wearing "protection" out there on the field. I doubt he had time to slip a rubber on between saying things like "shut up while I take your innocence" and "don't make me turn this rape into a murder". And if they don't come to an agreement on a CBA then that would be the gayest thing since the Fred movie. Minimum wage is something like 600k in the NFL. Get a fucking grip you rich fucks, everyone else makes fractions of what you do. "Oh but we need health insurance and shit when we're old." Fuck you, so do I. If you were so concerned about your health breaking down then why the FUCK did you go into a profession where physical violence is encouraged. Don't be a fucking idiot and blow all the money you made while playing and then it should be pretty easy to pay for your medical bills. Everyone has money problems and no one likes hearing about anyone else's so just shut the fuck up and get over yourself Pat Williams (DT for the Vikings/Professional Faggot). You're probably going to die of obesity before those concussions catch up with you anyways.

Remember that period of time on Facebook where chicks would put "I like it on the floor" or some dumb cunt shit like that? Stupidest fucking thing I have ever seen/read/heard in my life. Apparently it was referring to where they put their purses/handbags/whatever whores use to carry their birth control and lipstick around in to raise awareness for breast cancer (I had to look this up just now)...
Only women could come up with such a stupid fucking pointless idea. Its like this joke I know: How do you know when a woman is going to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
The following paragraph is completely 100% sarcastic:
Great idea. The phrase "I like it on the floor" IMMEDIATELY makes my mind jump to breast cancer. In fact it gave me an idea of my own to raise awareness for breast cancer. What everyone should do (hehe omg this is gonna be so cool and helpful) is go to an abortion clinic, say "I'm aborting a food baby!" Then, pinch a fat turd on the carpet and run away! We'll raise so much money and awareness for breast cancer! Wait...Hold on. You're telling me those two things are completely unrelated? And that to benefit breast cancer it would be better if I just ACTUALLY DONATED SOME FUCKING MONEY MYSELF? But how would I show my friends how philanthropic I am? What's the point of doing something good if no one fawns over you afterwards? (if you're a female reading this then you probably don't know what philanthropic means, it means HELPFUL. I apologize for using big words)

Fuck that State Farm Insurance guy from the commercials. Not the black guy who sounds like Morgan Freeman on paint thinner but the other weird looking guy with the gay ass 90s haircut. That guy has to be in contention with Brendan Fraser in the race for "Most Retarded Looking Person With A (Supposedly) Normal IQ". His face is like one huge fucking forehead, little beady creep eyes, and a chin the size of Khloe Kardashian's ass. And those beady little eyes are like .3 inches apart...Fucking creep. If I was a chick in a coffee shop and he walked in I'd keep my rape whistle on me every time I went near any place that wasn't lit well.

#51: Brenden Fraser's Face (And Everything Else About Him Too)

Brendan Fraser's face is probably the single ugliest thing in the world. If you ever wondered what a person born with down's syndrome would look like if they somehow learned how to talk normally, just picture Brendan Fraser's fat fucking ogre shrek face. God I can't even think about it without wanting to find his parents so I can look them in the eye and ask "Was it worth it?" If either of them said yes, I would probably snap and fucking kill them right there. How does someone whose face looks like a cross between a retarded duck and Hitler's asshole pursue, and achieve, a career in film? What director saw Brendan Fraser and said BY GOD GET HIM IN MY MOVIE HE IS FANTASTIC! That's like saying I'm hungry, I need food. So I'll take this huge steaming pile of shit and stuff my face with it. Maybe the movie gets made, maybe you aren't as hungry, but at what cost? In both cases you just got shit in your face for no reason. Christ and that one movie with Pauly Shore...Encino Man. A more accurate title for that movie would have been Suicide Inducer. Just hearing Pauly Shore's voice is bad enough but when you also have to look at Brendan Fraser's face at the same time its just fucking sick. Not to mention Sean "Brendan Fraser mini" Astin was in that movie too. They live in fucking California, do you really expect me to believe that Brenden Fraser would have stayed frozen even though he was like 5 feet underground? No. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. Stupid just like Brendan Fraser's flat fucking platypus face. If Brendan Fraser was laying on the ground, on fire, burning to death I would piss on him to put the flames out. But only so I could then cut his wrists and literally watch his life bleed out of him. If Brendan Fraser, Hitler, and Satan were all in a room, and I had a gun with 3 bullets in it, I would shoot Brendan Fraser 3 times. Twice in the dick. Then, after 45 minutes or whenever I caught my breath from laughing at his pain, I would put a bullet in his temple while Satan gave me a fist bump.

#50: High School

Let me clarify...When I was in high school I had a great time fucking around not going to class and taking advantage of girls with low self esteem and shit like that. But actually physically being in high school was a fucking nightmare. So many bullshit assignments and "group" projects that I never ever got anything accomplished in because I wasn't smart enough to be in the smart kids' group, and most of my friends were lazy fucks like me. I didn't really have a ton of friends in high school anyways, probably because they were all jealous of my thundercock (whom I have nicknamed "Vlad the Impaler" by the way). What better way to commemorate the 50th entry (technically its the 51st, who the fuck cares) of this horribly time wasting blog than to dedicate it to the ultimate waste of time, high school. And of course, we kick it off with a list of stereotypical people that I encountered, and subsequently got pissed off by, in high school.

-Kid Who Thinks He Is In College Already

This kid wears slippers to school nearly every day and arrives late to almost every class, as if he had somewhere else important to be even though he is not allowed off campus except at lunch because he's in fucking high school. Nice UMass sweatshirt bro, too bad you could only get into Clark Community College. This kid usually also thinks he is the shit and everyone can tell he thinks he is the shit. He is not the shit.

-Crazy Foreign Kid

Can you say Mohamed Mohamud? In all the interviews you see of former classmates they'd always be like oh he joked about being a terrorist but we never took him seriously. This is a prime example of a crazy foreign kid. These kids are always being weird as shit so no one ever takes them seriously. I remember there was this kid named Claude in one of my classes who got pissed one time because everyone was talking and he was trying to listen. This is what he said, and I quote (wacky ukranian/russian something accent): "If you guys don't shut up I'm going to shoot you all!" What did everyone do? We all laughed because that was just what Claude did. He was a fucking weirdo. Even the teacher just brushed it off. In retrospect, I would not have been surprised at all if the next day he came in with an AK and just sprayed the room. Another characteristic of these crazy foreign kids is that they always try way way too hard in PE. Not that they are good or anything, usually they're more uncoordinated than Michael J. Fox on a bad day, but their effort is 110%. Its just kickball dude, fuck.

-Small White Skater Kid

This kid wears Big Black hats (the brand not oversized hats), skinny jeans and usually neon shoes with mismatched laces. He might even carry a skateboard to school but really he can't skate for shit. Always fucking yelling and being loud and annoying like an emo toddler or some shit. I sat next to a couple of these kids in art and they'd always talk about banging chicks, which no doubt they did (unprotected, god I hope none of them reproduced) because they all hung out with...

-Super Skinny Emo Skate Chicks

Eating disorder? Bad genes? Methamphetamine abuse? Whatever the cause, these girls are unnaturally thin and will fuck anything wearing skate shoes and a bandanna over long greasy hair. Usually you can tell where they are in the hall because they have a high shrill voice that makes you want to put a CD of nails scratching on chalkboard over the PA just to drown their voices out. They also say extremely stupid shit and complain about how much their home life sucks even though they live in the fucking suburbs in a $400,000 house with an in ground pool and have never worked for anything in their lives ever.

-Stuck Up Hoes

Chubby girls who compensate for their unattractiveness by sucking down dick like its the last Squeeze-It on the hottest day in July. Always, always wearing unattractive tank tops and/or low cut shirts to accentuate their large, mostly flabby tits. Due to all the hick ass Larry the Cable Guy fuck heads and nonathletic black guys that think fat white girls are hot, they think they are entitled to pretty much anything (not that this part is different from any other female). Not to worry though, karma will usually fuck them in the ass (figuratively) in the form of a baby during high school or type 2 diabetes.

-Wiggers

Please please please one day can a black dude be around to kill them when they say nigga to their white friends. Also, why do their hats always have tags on them? Are you gonna return it to Lids? Or what? Because it looks fucking retarded.

-Really Quiet Asian Girl

Literally the most ambiguous thing in the world. She could be 14, or 34. She could be a serial murderer. She could be 1st chair violin in the London Philharmonic. But you will never hear her say a fucking word. Ever.

-That Teacher Who Tries To Be Best Fucking Friends With All The Girls

Cool dude you are fucking 50 years old and you have a wife. The girl you are currently talking to about where she got her shoes is like 17. Don't give me any bullshit about caring about all your students lives either, because I just tried to ask you if I could go to the bathroom and you didn't let me speak for the next 20 minutes while you stared down little Alexis's tank top you fucking chimo.


So that's the end of that section. This next part will be a mash up of random shit that just annoyed the fuck out of me. I realize that was a horrible segue and if I was in high school I would get told to do it over again, but I'm not so you can all fuck off.

Military recruiters at lunch...No one has ever signed up for the army or anything during fucking school lunch. No one decides to do it at lunch either, so why the fuck are they there? I don't think little freshman Billy Stevens finished his fucking chocolate milk, threw his tray away, and then said to himself "hmm that puzzle on the back of the milk carton and the poster of a couple people in camo gear squinting at something in the distance really made me think...I'd like to devote the next 3-7 years of my life to serving in the military!" So take your stupid fucking band and your push up competitions and just leave. Speaking of milk, why are those things so small? And why did the white milks taste like shit? They didn't taste like normal milk at all. It was fucking disgusting. I always had to pay a quarter for an extra milk because I'm not a fucking holocaust survivor and I can't subsist on 5 ounces of fluid a day. Actually, speaking of holocaust survivors, I didn't always have to pay extra because I would do the "hide your extra milk under your tray like its Anne Frank when you pay" because I was a bad ass. The worst was those teachers who taught the normal classes but took it way seriously and made everyone do a shit ton of work...Its like look lady, I appreciate your effort but look at who you're dealing with here. We're not in International Baccalaurette. If we're getting into college its gonna be community or on a sports scholarship, so just cool it with the fucking 30 page packets. Oh god that reminds me, the fucking WASL. Okay story time here...The first year I was supposed to take the math and science WASLs I had the flu so I figured I would take them next year, my junior year. Then my junior year, they changed it so I didn't need the science WASL to graduate. Sweet I thought, because science is the gayest subject known to man and if you're any type of science major then I hate your guts. I fucking slept through the next math WASL like a dipshit because, well, I'm a dipshit. Then, the last part of my senior year, right before the math WASL, I discovered that my SAT math scores were high enough that I could substitute them for WASL scores and graduate. So I didn't take the math one either. I took one WASL my whole high school career, and I didn't even study for it because it was the reading/writing one and I rape at that shit. I hope that makes all you losers who actually took the WASL seriously feel like dipshits.

Finally, high school sports. Everyone in high school makes such a big fucking deal about them. High school sports are fun to do I guess. But, THESE PEOPLE ARE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. It's not like anyone gets recruited to play at your school (okay that may not be true in certain cases, but that just makes it even more gay). If you're one of those fuck stains that chose a high school simply because it had a "good sports program" then you are a fucking idiot and probably a douchebag rich kid. As if all that weren't bad enough, the fucking newspaper treats these sports like they are actually of importance. 5 years from now no one will give a flying fuck who won the GHSL 3A boy's (not men's, LOL) basketball league. Except the people that were on the team, because none of them are going to play college ball anywhere important since they play in THE FUCKING 3A GHSL LEAGUE IN WASHINGTON. Not exactly the Pac-10 here. I also don't understand why football and basketball and baseball get all the attention either. It should be the individual sports like track and bowling (ha okay maybe not bowling cause that shit is gay) and golf that should be newsworthy. Why? Because all those fucking kids that are nowhere near top level of football talent keep getting exposure for throwing for 400 yeards or rushing for 6 touchdowns or whatever when really its not that cool because they are playing OTHER KIDS THAT SUCK AT FOOTBALL AS WELL. Whereas someone who bowls a 300 or runs a sub 4 minute mile is obviously in the top echelon of their entire sport and actually deserves accolades. Its like if you put me when I was 16 in a snowboard contest between me and everyone in the school, I would be at least top ten. But if that same year I went and competed against people who were the best in the world, I would get shit on.

That concludes my rant about high school...I didn't even mention the unnecessary ridiculously early start times or the retarded fucking dances. You know, the ones where everyone would "white-out" and "dance" three feet apart when they could just as easily have been slamming PBRs and getting their dick sucked (like me).

#49: Scar

For the first 6 years of my life, I thought that all lions were basically the same. They hung out on the Serengeti, fucked with poor African people, killed shit when they felt like it, and basically were just hella boss all day. Then Lion King came out and I find out that not only was there a lion who could grow a goatee that makes him look like doggystyle-era Snoop Dogg (not a good thing), but that same dick head lion went and killed Mufasa. Fucking Mufasa! Not a coincidence that Obama and Mufasa have similar sounding names. Mufasa fucking ran shit on pride rock and he was mad chill to Zazu and all the other lions, even that cunt Scar (plus his wife Sarabi was fine as hell). How does Scar repay him? He fucking makes Mufasa pull a Junior Seau and throws him off a cliff. Not just any cliff, but a cliff by where a shit ton of wildebeests are stampeding. Side note, wtf Disney? Sure I'll buy in to all the other animals talking and having feelings and shit throughout the movie, but these jerk wildebeests literally kill someone and none of them can stop and be like "hey guys I think we should stop stampeding, we totally just murdered somebody"? Not to mention Simba had to sit there on that branch and watch his dad get stomped out. Sickening. Anyways, Scar gets away with this because Simba is just a little baby cub lion and can't deal with shit, the same way Mike Tyson can't handle rejection. To top it all off, Scar has his hyena friends (cool dude, hang out with hyenas, classy) chase Simba and try to kill him. Obviously the hyenas don't succeed because they're hyenas aka huge pussies. Simba chills out in the jungle for a while with Timon and Puumba who show him how to party and get hammered and shit like that. Then Nala shows up and like every other woman in history, fucking ruins Simba's good time. They all head back to pride rock and after some guidance from an insane homeless guy named Rafeeki, Simba beats the shit out of Scar and has the hyenas kill Scar. Thus Simba's street cred is way high and he gets to rail Nala and probably every other slut in the place since he is a certified bad ass now.

Another side note, why was Scar darker than all the other lions? Subliminal messages Disney? Black lions aren't all bad, remember that. But they do live in Africa which is a shit hole place. I think that's the message.

#48: Applebee's

Eatin good in the neighborhood my ass. The slogan should be "eating shit that the cook half assed and either burned or got hair on, in the fucking strip mall nowhere near anyone's neighborhood". I went to Applebee's the other night for the first time in a while and it was a complete fucking shit show.

6:20 pm: I walk in the door and get greeted (read: grunted at) by some creature who was probably female and definitely balding. Note to Applebee's greeters everywhere: those fucking snowbanks on your shoulders do not work up people's appetites. Unless you're going for the "if they puke now they'll eat more later" approach. Jesus Christ "Barb" have you ever heard of Head and Shoulders? Or hygeine in general? Judging by your cigarette stained fungi infested teeth I doubt it.

6:21 pm: I sit in the most uncomfortable fucking waiting area ever. Why the hell are these things even there? Its time for the dinner rush and its like the fucking titanic out here cause everyone wants to sit but there's only enough room for like 10% of the people. Sorry Grandma Rose, you aren't part of my family and I'm fucking tired of standing too, so no way in hell am I getting up for your wrinkly old ass. You should be at Old Country Buffet anyways.

6:30 pm: After a wait that seemed like 4 days because the kid next to me is fucking crying like Brett Favre during his yearly retirement announcement, we are led by "Jessica" to a booth next to a shit ton of sports memorabilia. By the way, congrats Applebee's on getting that Cortez Kennedy jersey thats not even fucking autographed, I can really feel the history emanating from it.

6:43 pm: "Jessica" comes over and asks if we are ready to order. Yes "Jessica", we are. In fact, we also solved the South Korea-North Korea conflict and discussed in detail each track on The Who's concept album 'Tommy'. "Jessica" will now be referred to as Stupid Wench for the remainder of the post (because she reminds me of the chick from Burgerville in #4). I ordered a steak because I'm a man and nothing pleases me more than knowing that some cow got beaten and forced to watch really scary movies and shit just so it would be that much more tasty when I eat an 8 ounce portion of its body. I also didn't order a drink and just got water. Because I'm cheap? Sure. Call me crazy but I don't want to pay 3 dollars for 34 ice cubes and a shot of Coca Cola. I could also go off on a tangent about milk being expensive but that is for another time when IHOP starts to piss me off.

7:24 pm: Here comes Stupid Wench with our shit, great. It only took about 40 fucking minutes. That'll teach us not to order "apps". Wait a second, we did order appetizers, and that's what she's bringing out! It was all so long ago I can't even remember what I fucking ordered. MMM 4 cheese sticks. I'm glad I paid 8 fucking dollars for them because each cheese stick is definitely worth 2 dollars. No, wait a second, these are the frozen ones I can buy in packs of 60 for 5 dollars. Sweet!

7:34 pm: 50 minutes later, here it is. The steak that has been cooked to perfection*1. The baked potato smothered*2 in butter and bacon. The green beans slathered in sauce and cooked beautifully*3.

*1-by perfection I mean there is a crust of black encompassing 95% of the outside of the steak. Yet somehow the inside still has a pulse.

*2-smothered in this instance means that there is a 2cm wide slice of butter on the side and 4 bacon bits on the actual potato. The potato itself looks like a normal baked potato, not even Applebee's could fuck that up.

*3-none of this is true except the fact that the beans are a shade of green and I'm sure that technically, cooked is the correct term for what they did to them.

7:50 pm: We are done eating. Stupid Wench is nowhere to be found. You would think after shortchanging us on literally everything they serve, Applebee's would be eager to take our hard earned money and put it towards the CEO's dick enhancement surgery or some shit. But no, Stupid Wench is probably in the bathroom wringing a tampon into someone's raspberry iced tea.

8:01 pm: Stupid Wench shows up with a belly full of poop, or so I assume, because she has the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen. She gives us the check and walks away, probably laughing because she just set her PR for shittiest service.

8:04 pm: I take a shit in the Applebee's bathroom. Not in the toilet, just in the bathroom. There's no place like the neighborhood, right Applebee's? You fucks.

#47: Nicki Minaj

According to wikipedia, Nicki Minaj was (unfortunately) born on December 8, 1984 in some stupid fucking poor shit hole in the Caribbean that gets hit with hurricanes more than Charlie Sheen hits women. Apparently her father "drank alcohol, took drugs, and once tried to kill her mother by setting the house on fire.", aka what any normal person would have done if they had to live with Nicki Minaj and her mom. Too bad Nicki Minaj is probably Satan's mistress or some shit and can't be hurt by fire. Oh here's a fun quote: ""[w]hen I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly. The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot... and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing." Blah blah blah. Its impossible to be sexy when you look like the fucking Cocoa Puffs bird with fake tits. This one is funny too: "While some songs and interviews have implied that Minaj is bisexual, she has said that she does not date nor have sex with women, but added in an interview with Out magazine, 'I don’t date men either'." HA as if anyone who has a normal amount of chromosomes would want their dick anywhere near that fucking abomination. This is a person who lists Lil Wayne as her main influence, not just in rapping but in real life. a) She is nowhere near the level Lil Wayne is at rapping because she's fucking horrible and women can't do anything better than men anyways. b) Lil Wayne is a worse fucking role model than Osama bin Laden. He shot himself in the chest ON ACCIDENT, just got out of prison, and calls a guy named "Birdman" his daddy. I wouldn't be bothered at all by her horrific "songs" if she didn't get so much fucking attention for them. Sample lyrics from her smash hit "Your Love": 'S' on my chest cuz I'm ready to save him Cuz I'm the one like I'm Tracy McGrady...AGGGHHHHH its like a trifecta of shit lyrics.
1) A fucking superman reference in a rap song, how original. I bet I won't find very many if I look it up on Google...
Superman-Eminem, All Black Everything-Soulja Boy, Crank That Superman-Soulja Boy Superman-Brown Boy, Superman Song-Auburn, Superman-The Game, Superman-Skee Lo...thats just from the first page. Yikes.
2)Women talking about sports, which is just stupid because they obviously don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Tracy McGrady has sucked dick for the last like three or four years. Its not like he was ever anywhere close to the best in the NBA anyways.
3)Rhyming words that don't actually fucking rhyme. Uhhhh say it out loud. SAVE HIM/MCGRADY...Nope doesn't rhyme. Hey look everyone, I can rap like Nicki Minaj: If there were no consequences for my actions/I would blow her brains out the back of her head with a fucking shotgun. Didn't rhyme? Who cares just Auto-tune it. I'll say something about batman afterwards. Oh and listen to the chorus of "Your Love". Its got a fucking stupid reference to Bruce Willis and then she goes BA BA DAT DAT DOH and it reminds me of Forrest Gump after that principal guy nails his mom. Don't try to fucking say that its just my opinion because you can't objectively judge music. Nicki Minaj does not make "music". She puts words TO music. There is a big difference. And the words she does put to music are stupid and unoriginal. If she weren't friends with Lil Wayne and if she didn't get whored out by the media no one would give a fuck about her at all.

#46: Dancing/Clubs

Its been a couple days since something last pissed me off, I was shredding the whole weekend so you can lick my ass if you don't like it. I doubt anyone fucking reads this thing anyways. I know I don't. Don't worry though, I'll soon have you guys (read: the one person who got drunk and clicked on this link) either laughing like a black guy at a Katt Williams concert, or more uncomfortable than a white guy at a Katt Williams concert. I think you have to be black to get that guy's jokes, because they are not funny whatsoever to me. I would rather listen to Bob Levy talk about some 10 year old water polo player with one arm than a Katt Williams joke. Anyways, about this club bullshit. Wow. I mean WOW. The only reason clubs exist, literally the only valid reason, is that hot girls like to dance. Why? I don't know. If you want my opinion the only dance they should be doing is the one where they make me some fucking breakfast after taking a money shot in the face the previous night. I forget what its called. If you are a guy and you go to clubs to dance, or to drink, or anything other than picking up a drunk slut who struggles with self esteem issues, then you are not really a man at all but instead you are an embarassment to people who actually use their dicks for something other than pissing on their balls. What's that you say? You go because they have 2 dollar rockstar/vodka drinks? Fuck you, go to the fucking minute mart and buy a 30 rack like a real man. Rockstars and vodka are both fuck head drinks anyways. Energy drinks are like the tapout shirts of beverages. And vodka came from russia soooo...yeah.

Someone please tell me how that shit whores do can be considered dancing. I don't think grinding up on some creep's camo shorts so hard that it leaves a fucking shit streak can be considered any sort of art form whatsoever. Let's just be real and call it by what it is: Cock Hunting. Because every bitch out there is trying to get railed. If you say you aren't, then you're a lying slut or you're that fat whale whos seen Halley's Comet more times than you've seen a dick. Once the sluts find a pork sword they like, or once it gets past 1 am, then its just a smoke break and a car ride before someone is punching their guts out. It would depress me, if the part of my brain that gave a shit wasn't smaller than the space between Michelle Obama's eyes.

#45: Thanksgiving Edition

Why not. If Charlie Brown can have a Thanksgiving special then fuck you, so can I. Speaking of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, wtf Peppermint Patty? Were you on your period that day or what? Did Marcy not eat you out that morning? Why was she being such a thundercunt to Chuck? All he did was make popcorn and candy for thanksgiving. So the fuck what. I can't wait for Charlie Brown to fucking snap and murder all of his friends...What if he killed Lucy with a football, talk about poetic justice. This is really fucked up to say, but I bet he would rape-murder the little red-haired girl. He'd be all "Do you want to fucking eat lunch with me on the bench now you stuck up bitch?!?!" and then boom he's got her by the hair and he's just destroying her snatch. There's a few sentences I bet you never thought you'd read! Anywho, lets go ahead and fall back on a tried and true method: listing the things that suck ass about Thanksgiving.

1. Talking to family members you don't recognize/know
Who hasn't been sitting there at the table when some old lady walks up and start talking your ear off without even introducing herself. Look, great aunt Edna, I know we are technically blood related but you live in fucking New Hampshire and I haven't seen you since I was 2 years old. An introduction or even a "do you remember me?" never hurt anyone. Time to swallow your pride like that multi vitamin you take before bed and realize that I don't really know you at all.

2. Feeling bad about destroying someone's toilet after you eat all their food
This one happened to me today...Christ, I don't what it is, but mashed potatoes and stuffing turn my asshole into fucking Vesuvius. Watch out little Pompeiians(?) cause here comes the cranberry sauce. I felt bad for whoever was going in next cause it was a fucking natural disaster in there. Unless it was a little kid, which leads me to...

3. Little kids that annoy the shit out of you
Does no one in my family care about the upbringing of their children? Or did I miss the part where it was okay for some little kid to fucking sprint laps around the table like he's Prefontaine or some shit. Yeah congrats on spilling the paper plate of macaroni and cheese your mom got you because you are a picky little shit and won't eat anything else. Meanwhile, the dog is eating it and is gonna puke it up in about 10 minutes because your stupid kid is more concerned about his fucking Nintendo DS getting cheese sauce on it than my fucking house being clean.

4. The Itis
Oh Dave. Dave Chappelle is so right about the Itis...It'll get you. I seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel like 4 times on the way home. I can see the interrogation now...
Cop: Why'd you plow into that stopped minivan of church kids?
Me: I had the Itis! I couldn't help it. So much Turkey...THE TURKEYYYYYY
Cop: Alright buddy. Hope your asshole likes dark meat, cause you're going to prison.

Haha did you guys catch that? I'm so fucking proud of myself for getting a turkey/dark meat-prison rape joke in there. Anyways, thats all of my list. It would probably be longer if my last name was Redcorn or some shit but sorry Indians, we took this shit from you fair and square. Get over it. And leave our sports team names alone.

#44: Beer Pong Assholes

What is the object of beer pong? The object is obviously to get shithoused. Otherwise you wouldn't drink beer while you were playing it. This is why its such an awesome game. Even if you lose, you still win. And it also can't be a real sport because I've seen women beat men at it (this has never happened to me personally FYI). So whats up with these soupy ass fuck heads that think winning a game of beer pong or knowing every single rule ever invented for it makes them the coolest thing since raw dogging? Answer: these are the people who have never been good at anything else in their entire lives. Since they take beer pong so fucking seriously they think it makes them king of the castle or some shit. But really it just makes them seem like a tool.



STORY TIME-So no shit there I am at my friend's house, I don't remember exactly when but it was sometime last summer. And I'm playing beer pong with some kid who I don't know and is already rubbing me the wrong way. By "rubbing me the wrong way" I mean that if this kid was standing on the road and a bus was coming by at a high speed I probably would push him in front of it. Let's call him "Dipshit McGraw". I had my beer in my hand that I had filled with like 2 cups cause I had already drank like 3/4ths of a bottle of Burnett's and that shit is gross, so I wanted to kind of pace myself considering it was 6 in the afternoon. Then my phone rings, and I put my cup down on the table and go pick it up. Next thing I know Dipshit McGraw is yelling some stupid "Death Cup Death Cup" bullshit at me and the other kids are just confused. So I say "Oh Dipshit McGraw, whatever the FUCK are you talking about" and he gives me some gayness about how the ball landed in my beer cup I had earlier put down on the table. "So we'll wash it off then" I say. Nope apparently the DEATH CUP means we lose instantly, or so says Dipshit McGraw. Now I can understand that he was bummed about losing but then he started whining about how shitty I was and telling other people shit like don't talk to that guy he's an idiot. Just generally being a stuck up faggot. A)if you were that concerned about winning why the fuck did you even bring it up because no one else knows what you're talking about and B) its a game of beer pong so get a fucking grip. Oh and I failed to mention all this kid had had to drink was 3 beer cups and maybe two Keystone lights. So in addition to being a fucking idiot he was also a lightweight. Probably had a baby dick too.


The moral of this story is don't be a fucking idiot and bring the vibe of the party down just because you lost a game of beer pong. And don't be an asshole when someone doesn't know all the fucking rules ever created. Most of us don't sit on the computer and look up beer pong rules we can bring up to seem cool at the next party we go to. In fact, here's another rule I just came up with. If you know all the rules to beer pong, you are therefore banned from all parties to think about how pathetic it is that you know so much about beer pong.

#43: People Who Complain About Winter/Snow

How fucking spoiled are you? You don't like cold weather? No one gives a shit. Especially the weather itself. Last time I checked, low pressure systems don't have feelings and they aren't going to leave if you call them stupid. Barometers never commit suicide because people are talking shit about them on facebook. I may as well go whine to the president or king or shaman or whatever of Mexico and tell him to have all the immigrants that don't speak english stop working at the restaurant (Muchas Gracias) by my house. What the hell is so bad about snow anyways? There are 3 main arguments that I hear.

1. It's cold.

No fucking shit. Wear a god damn coat? Stay inside maybe? You don't have to be Matt fucking Zaffino to look outside, see flakes, and realize that maybe its time to bust out the old parka. And if you live in Washington and don't own a warm coat, you should do the world a favor and chug some rat poison because you are clearly a fucking dipshit.

2. It makes it hard to drive.

Not if you don't drive like a fucking retard. Also chains cost what, 50 dollars? Quit being a cheap asshole and buy some. Every year I laugh because I see some dumb cunt in some shitmobile like a 94 mercury or some shit trying to drive to the store for hot cocoa or whatever. Inevitably they will slide out on a turn, or lose control on a hill, and crash into a)other cars b)buildings or my personal favorite, c)unsuspecting pedestrians. You haven't lived until you've seen some dude get laid out by the grill of an f-250.

3. There's nothing to do.

Have you ever heard of this thing called the Winter Olympics? Its like the summer Olympics, but specifically for winter activities. Snowboarding, skiing, crashing into concrete posts...Too soon? Okay you know what, I have no sympathy for that Georgian guy. He gets on a flimsy piece of fucking plastic, and slides 80 mph down a track made purely of ICE surrounded by things that would definitely kill him if he collided with them. What the fuck do you expect? Its not the safest thing in the world. I say we need to go old school and have more deaths at the Olympics. Restore the glory a little bit. But I digress...If you can't find something to do in the snow or in the cold, then you may as well move to Portland with the rest of the depressing losers.

I have to deal with 6 months of summer before I get to shred, you don't hear me fucking complaining about it. So do me a favor and shut the fuck up about hating winter, or snow, or whatever. Its not even bad here in Vancouver, at least this isn't Russia where they have to use poatato skins for blankets and burn hair for warmth.

#42: Dumb Sayings That Fuck Heads Come Up With

"You can't judge a book by its cover!" -referring to some nerd who I just called a turd sucker

Yes I fucking can. If some kid is wearing a tapout shirt and cargo shorts while hitting on some fat goth whore then I can be pretty fucking sure he is a tool. That doesn't make any sense, to not judge a book by the cover. That's where the fucking title is! Am I supposed to read half the fucker in Barnes and Noble? No. I do not have that kind of time to just spend at Barnes and Noble. I am also not one of those cheap fucks wearing a leather vest and slip on vans who just walk into a bookstore and read for hours without buying anything. So don't fucking preach to me that I can't judge a book by its cover.

"That was a game-changing play" -something Chris "I drank a gallon of paint thinner before the game" Collinsworth or some other fucking asshole announcer says

Oh really Chris? No shit? That play changed the outcome of the game? It must be different from all the other fucking plays that had no effect whatsoever on the outcome of the game. FALSE every single fucking play changes the game. You are a professional announcer, its your god damn job to entertain me with your speech, come up with something a little less generic than "that was a game changing play". At least John Madden was entertaining, even if he had the equivalent of a third grade literacy level.

"Expect the unexpected" -lots of women say this, therefore it must be stupid

If you're expecting the unexpected then its not fucking unexpected. Should I walk outside right now and expect a pterodactyl to come swooping out of the sky and eat me? No. Should I expect whores to stop saying "meow" instead of now? Unfortunately, no. Stupid fucking saying said by stupid fucking people.

#41: Losing In Mario Kart 64

Fucking Peach. Yeah smooth move getting those three green koopa shells right before that big jump in Wario's dirt track. I also like how your stupid whore princess brain made you shoot them all at such an angle that they (ALL FUCKING THREE OF THEM) bounce back and forth in front of the jump. One of them is bound to hit me! Sure enough, one of them did. Right as that dago fuck head Luigi drove past me, laughing because he picked up a star, and ran through the koopa shells like Tony Siragusa through a post game spread. Of course I don't have enough fucking speed to clear that god damn jump and have to deal with being half a fucking lap behind. No star cup for me! FUCK. I actually like that track though. The one that sucks is the one with all the fucking traffic and I think its on a bridge? Anyways, whose fucking bright idea was it to have a go-kart race on a freeway? And why is the freeway one way? I always get ran over by some fucking asshole in a semi truck and then ever so gently float back to earth while I fight the urge to chuck my controller into the fucking wall. 9 times out of 10 I will lose to whoever I'm playing by like 40 seconds on that track. Fuck that noise. I'd rather jump off the side of rainbow road. Speaking of rainbow road, I love jumping right before that big huge drop at the beginning. What I don't like is when Bowser decides to be King of the Fuck Heads and drive right under me so that I land on him and wipe out. I don't care if I am Toad, if a fucking go-kart lands on a turtle he should eat shit too. That's just simple physics. Another thing that makes me want to throw a few infants into a woodchipper is when I miss the shortcut on the beach track. If you don't know which shortcut I'm talking about, then I want you to find your childhood and dispose of it because obviously it wasn't worth shit. It's just a simple yellow ramp with red arrows! I don't get how I can think I'm lined up perfectly and then just fucking plow into the side of the rocks like they're your mom. That ramp is cursed. SO are those fucking dick penguins that jump out in front of you. What kind of sick asshole jumps headfirst in front of speeding go-karts? Do they not realize that if I fall in the water I will freeze and somebody's gonna have to pull me out with a fishing pole? That shit isn't fun! Plus it usually puts me in like 7th place. So thanks penguins, for nothing. They probably like to hang out with those doucher snowmen that live in the snow level. Mario raceway...Now there's a classy place. Of course Luigi has to fucking copy his brother and build one similar to it. Mario and Luigi remind me of Peyton and Eli Manning. I bet Mario is always like "hey Luigi remember when they called the video game MARIO kart and not LUIGI kart. Hahahaha faggot!!!!". And then Luigi probably goes off and whines to their dad. Last but not least, Yoshi's track...Who in their right mind wants to drive though that shit hole? It's like racing in some poor fucking African country. Real smart, too, with the sections that are like 3 feet wide with 200 foot cliffs on the side. Yeah I'm sure no one has died from falling down those. SIKE Yoshi is one sick freak. If I'm losing really bad, I always get a kick out of just waiting somewhere for Yoshi and then Lee Harvey Oswalding (yeah I made him a verb) his ass with one of those homing koopa shells. No one can get away from that shit. Especially the blue ones, those will fuck your shit up if you're in the lead. I also enjoy:

-Getting quad bananas and then deploying them right behind the ? boxes so that someone won't see them until ITS TOO LATE HAHAHAHA FUCKING SPUN YOU OUT BITCH.
-Getting a star and plowing the shit out of people like I'm Ray J and they're Kim Kardashian
-Being Bowser and starting in the back of Toad or some puny fuck and just absolutely smashing their face into the steering wheel when I get a boost
-Shooting koopa shells at people right before the turns at Bowser's castle so they fall into the lava like dipshits
-Winning the Star Cup and going balls deep in Princess Peach later that night after slamming Jagerbombs at the afterparty
-

#40: Foreign Assholes Who Complain That American Football Is Gayer Than Rugby, Or That Soccer Is The Coolest Sport Ever

Its not just weird looking foreign smelly people either. Sometimes you get that preppy dumbass kid who played soccer in high school and thinks that somehow makes him fucking Cristiano Ronaldo or some shit. Yeah cool dude, you wear Nike turtlenecks to school. That puts you on the same level as the spider that lives outside my house (see #14 for clarification). Let's talk about soccer first. Sometimes, the World Cup is cool. It was awesome when that old bald guy who looked like he belonged in the cold war interrogating English spies headbutted the piss out of that Italian fairy who looked like he should be wringing his hair out into a frying pan and cooking bacon in it. I will also admit that it was cool when they went into a shootout and Italy won. However, that was the one game out of every single fucking soccer game I have watched since I was born that I can actually say I enjoyed watching. 2008's world cup was kind of blurry for me since although I stayed up all night playing drinking games and waiting for the Uganda vs. Kunta Kinte game, the game itself bored me to sleep within 5 minutes. I slept through the entire first day, actually. Then I lost interest and didn't care about the rest of the games. I also didn't see the allegedly super exciting game where the US scored at the last minute to advance or whatever. I did, however, watch the 30 seconds of the game that actually were worth watching on Sportscenter at ten am the next day. Which is exactly why soccer is fucking stupid. Sure its cool for like 30 seconds in a highlight reel, but so is fucking rollerblading. My theory is that all those foreign fucks in AIDSfrica and South "Poorer and More Violent Than North" America have nothing better to do in their little mud hut towns and their cocaine plantations than to kick around a little ball. Or in Africa's case, kicking around whoever died that week's decaying head. Let's face it, there's no money for soccer balls when mosquitoes and a disease that came from (allegedly) someone fucking a monkey are draining your country of resources faster than Kevin Federline drained Britney Spears of dignity. Soccer in America is basically like Lacrosse. Everyone who plays it is a fucking asshole douche because they know their sport will never get as much media attention as, say, women's bowling (hahahahaha). Now, on to the football/rugby dilemma...The thing that everyone keeps coming back to is that football players wear pads and rugby players don't, making rugby players tougher. Fantastic! Rubgy players are also borderline retarded at the end of their career because they've taken more shots to the dome than the Kennedy family. Rugby players also get paid less. They do it for the love of the game! Oooooohhhhh. Stop fucking romanticizing shit. 99% of them are in it for the money too. If the owner of the rugby team said "hey guys sorry but we can't afford to pay you anything" they wouldn't say "we don't care coach we LOVE the game!". They would say "oi fuck you then, piss off". So, lets examine. Football players get paid a ridiculous amount more money and they don't get hurt as much. Gosh they sound like a bunch of idiots!!!! I can't believe they don't play rugby! Fucking pussies (in case you didn't notice, the sarcasm in that last sentence was dripping like a high school girl at a Kings of Leon concert).

#39: The Fact That The Kellog's Pop Tart Fuckers Don't Make Wild Berry Anymore

What the fucking fuck were the Pop-Tart guys thinking. Their train of though must have been something like "hey lets all drop some E and stop making our 2nd most popular (behind strawberry, who are we kidding) flavor. Just to fuck with the general public! Haha we're so fucking awesome and not a bunch of rug munching butthole babies". Real fucking cool guys, now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Its been like 7 years since I walked down the pop-tart aisle in Wal-Mart, the one by the bin of thongs that come with tampons attached (not a joke sadly) and saw that reassuring purple frosted, turquoise drizzled, crunchy on the outside berry paste on the inside picture on the front of a box. Instead, now I have to deal with flavors like hot fudge sundae. Who likes room temperature artificial ice cream flavoring combined with (also room temperature) 'hot' fudge flavor. Fucking no one who deserves to live, that's who. But wait you can heat it up and then its like a real hot fudge sundae right? WRONG. Then you have fucking warm ice cream flavor. Disgusting. Another flavor I don't understand is Oreo. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't there already a snack that has chocolate on the outside and frosting on the inside? Oh yeah, its called A FUCKING OREO. One more brilliant idea by those fuckers is the strawberry milkshake flavor. Let's see...If you have a strawberry milkshake, but then you take out the milkshake qualities and call it a pop tart what do you get? JUST ANOTHER FUCKING STRAWBERRY POP TART. Don't even get me started on the low fat versions of pop tarts...If you're eating pop tarts to lose weight you should also try holding your head underwater while you breathe. You make me sick Kellog's (yes there should be a fucking apostrophe there, don't think I fucked up). If it weren't for Froot Loops you guys would be on my shit list for sure.

#38: Whenever I Go On Craiglist

It was such a good idea. Its like a street market but on your computer. If everyone knew what they were talking about it would work perfectly. But thats the problem, no one knows what the fuck they're talking about. I keep fooling myself into thinking this time, it will be different...But no. I'll be looking for snowboard gear and there will be gems like this. This kid can't even fucking spell, not a good step in getting me to buy something from him. And 400$ for just a snowboard? I don't care which board it is if you spend more than $300 on a board you are either rich as fuck and definitely don't need to buy shit off craigslist or a dumbass.

Somebody is selling Ed Hardy snowboards...Fuck. Now there are gonna be Guidos on the mountain.

It seems like everyone selling snowboards either is moving to fucking Texas or injured themselves so badly they can't snowboard again. I bet some of these turd suckers stole those boards...Which is probably the most shit head snake move you can pull. One of my buddies got his board stolen on the last day of the season and if I ever find out who did it I will personally have unprotected, extremely rough sex with their girlfriend/wife. Unless their gf/wife is a disgusting heifer or non-existant (likely, because whoever steals boards is a greasy fucking cunt rag), in which case I will cut off said thief's hands, and pour salt into his bleeding stumps. And shit in his fridge. Yes he deserves to die, and I hope he burns in hell.

Here's another good one. This one isn't really a bad deal I guess but what the guy says makes him sound like a humungous douche.

"This is a Forum Snowboard 154. This board is super light compared to any 154 board. It’s a unisex pro board made in Austria where the best boards are developed. That’s probably why this board is the lightest board among all of my friend’s boards even when it’s bigger."

So apparently this guy is an expert on every snowboard ever made that was 154cm long and he KNOWS that it is the lightest. Awesome! Doesn't matter if the fucker is made out of cellophane, its still the lightest, and thats fucking rad (not actually rad at all). Also, it is a unisex pro board. Did you hear that! Unlike all those other snowboards that women can't ride, this one is okay for them to use! Thank the lord. Although there is a picture of a woman on it. Its also pink, orange, and white. But hey I'm not judging ol Joni Malmi because he rips, even if his board is a little effeminate. Finally, he says this:
"So I am often ahead of the pack and higher in the air with less work and less fatigue. Put in your best offer now before it’s gone."

If you say things like "ahead of the pack" and "higher in the air with less work and less fatigue" then I'm sorry, but you suck chode at snowboarding. I can't be 100% sure because I don't know this guy and have never seen him shred. Actually yes I can because he sounds like a fucking twat. But hold on! Put in your best offer now because its going to be gone soon. And so will your opportunity to be higher in the air with less fatigue, so get "ahead of the pack" and buy it (don't)!

#37: People Who Can't Fucking Spell Or Use Correct Grammar To Save Their God Damn Lives

Holy SHIT where do I even begin. It's like the plague in London way back in the day, except people aren't dying they are just pissing me the fuck off with their shit grammar. Even the word grammar gives people trouble, its like 50/50 whether someone spells it right or spells it 'grammer'. I don't really mind if it's in a text message or something unimportant. But in emo facebook statuses and school papers and shit like that where people obviously have thought about every word they wrote down, I still see more fuck-ups than an episode of Maury. I'm going to go on facebook right now actually, and take some examples of people I know. Hopefully one of them reads this and gets embarrassed so much it encourages them not to suck at their native fucking language that they have spoken since, well, since THEY LEARNED HOW TO FUCKING SPEAK (keep in mind that this is meant to be humorous, don't hate me just because I call out your shit grammar).

"Jameson, its definatly NOT a personal problem." Its definitely NOT spelled like that. What is the word definitely derived from? I'm not sure the complete etymology but it would appear to come from the word DEFINITE. So how did that little "ly" on the end trick you into thinking that an 'a' also snuck in there? I don't fucking know. The word doesn't even fucking sound like it has an 'a' in it. Christ.

"i think it's time i payed more attention to my piano again." First of all, congrats on putting the period at the end. You were concerned about that but you didn't decide to capitalize the first word. Interesting. Also, payed is the word people use when they are speaking English as a second language. Yes, technically it is correct but it looks weird and your name isn't Juan so just use paid instead.

"You take my breath away, your a supernova :)" Oh boy. This one takes me back to #16...I don't give a fuck if it is an Eminem song, its not a good one. Anyways, this brings me to a crucial point in the lecture i.e., which type of "your" to use. In this case, it would be "you're". You are. It's a contraction. See what they did there? Really not that hard. And while we're on the subject, let's talk about they're/their/there. I don't understand how someone can fuck that up.
They're = They are, as in: I hate people on facebook, THEY'RE so fucking horrible at grammar.
Their = Possession, as in: If they don't cut that shit out I'm going to shove THEIR heads so far up THEIR assholes that they will be tasting THEIR own colon.
There = Where something is, as in: Look over THERE, that guy is getting punched repeatedly in the cock for not knowing which word to use.
It really is that simple!

Another super fun thing people do is to put apostrophes where they don't fucking belong. In fact, I've seen people write out the word apostrophes WITH an apostrophe! How awesome! Example sentences:
-I bought so many black dildo's at the porn shop today!
-I love a good reaming in every last one of my hole's ;)
-Hehe, I love putting hearts instead of actual apostrophe's when I write letters to my boyfriend who is in orchestra and has a 3 inch penis :p

Hoo boy. Those apostrophes (note the lack of an actual apostrophe) are more unwelcome than a mexican in Arizona! Plurals do not, I repeat, DO NOT warrant apostrophes. UNLESS, the word ends in 's'. I am no English professor, but I am pretty sure apostrophe does NOT end in 's'! Here's an easy way to check if you're unsure.
Step 1: Hope your mom didn't consume mass quantities of alcohol when you were in the womb.
Step 2: In case step 1 (see previous) is not possible, look at the last letter of the word. Is this letter an 's'? If so, then you should probably put that little old apostrophe riiight there on the end. If not, congratulations! You can now put an 's' on the end (without an apostrophe now! careful!), making it plural.