#85: People Who Climb Mountains

Why...What is the point. Once you get to the top you're just gonna have to go back down. And its not like snowboarding where the going down part is fun. Going down is just as hard and not fun as walking up the fucker. I always laugh at the people who climb Mt. Hood from Timberline because its the biggest god damn waste of time in history. Hey have fun walking the extra mile and a half to the top of palmer from the lodge in your north face snow gear and crampons...I'll be waiting at the top in a sweatshirt and snowboard boots (PS I just sat in a chair for the last 10 minutes, it got me to the same place it took you 2 hours to walk to). Only once I get to the top I'm not going to fucking walk up to the peak (which I can see from palmer) I'm going to go down the mountain. Its not like climbing Mt. Hood is a big fucking deal anyways. Everest is gnarly, sure, but I've seen people old enough to be my grandpa walking to the top of Hood before. What are you even going to do once you get to the top? I see one of two scenarios, which are: 1) It's sunny. "Cool we're at the top and its 1 pm...I could have been shredding today in the sun with my friends but instead I'm at the top of a mountain hundreds, if not thousands, of people have climbed before. I don't even get to ride down from here either, boy I look forward to snowshoeing down (NOT)." 2) It's not sunny. "Cool I just climbed to the top of a fucking mountain in shit weather and I can't even see more than 20 feet in any direction. Snot is frozen to my face and the pictures we are taking make it look like we are fucking dementors or something because the clouds are thicker than Shawn Johnson's thighs. Oh but Josh "some people" just enjoy climbing mountains, who are you to say that they are stupid idiots with no real value in life? Well "some people" have sex with animals too. I think I've made my point clear.

#84: Phil Phuong

Phil Phuong's Facebook(Nice profile pic btw, what are you 12?)

Where do I even begin...Phil Phuong is one of those people where you see them and the street and you just burst out in laughter, but you don't bother to hide it from them because you know they couldn't beat up a 4 year old girl with polio. Phil's dick probably looks like a 4 year old girl with polio too, but just on a way smaller scale. I saw Phil the other night and he was wearing this jacket that had like 57 fucking zippers on it. Everyone at the party was like LOL look at Phil's jacket, it has more zippers than Phil has restraining orders (which is saying something). Then Phil proceeded to stink up the only bathroom with his gross asian dumps and try to blame it on other people. We all know what happened Phil. Shouldn't have had the Panda Express for dinner. Then to top it all off, Phil was hitting on this chick (read: being a creep hardcore) but he got shut down bad and then had this face that I can only describe as a "Tiger Woods after he misses a 3 foot putt" face. Which is really the only face Phil ever has on because he is a total and complete loser.

#83: More Of Me Belittling People I Have Not Ever Met/Will Ever Meet Yet Still Piss Me Off Immensely

I just typed in "woman blogs" on Google, lets see what pops up...

http://girl-woman-beauty-brains-blog.com/
Not a great title but catchy nonetheless...Although unfortunately in the very first paragraph we run into some stupid whore-speak. A couple of fucking assholes died, I don't know who the fuck they are but she says this about them: "...unlike Matt Richtel, it is my belief that wherever Russell Shaw and Marc Orchant may find their "heaven," I will bet you, they are blogging about the newest heavenly gadget or exposing heaven's gaffes."
Yeah that's what they're doing. Fucking blogging about the new iPhone (ChristTime™ your friends!) or whatever the fuck up in heaven instead of shit like using a cloud for a trampoline, or banging Reese Witherspoon at a cocktail party (Little Nicky reference), or fucking NOT SITTING ON A GOD DAMN COMPUTER TYPING ABOUT BEING IN HEAVEN. Also, who the fuck does this lady think she is? Exposing heaven's gaffes? Does ChristTime™ only work in certain Starbucks locations or something up there? I'm sure there are just SOOOOOOoooOOOO many things wrong with heaven. It sounds like an awful place. FALSE you would have to be a big dumb cow to think something like that. Which this person probably is.

The paragraph after that one contains the phrase "a child of two would testify in terms more graphic than a prostitute as to how her uncle molested her" so we won't discuss such crude things on this highly scrupulous blog.


Alright new blog this one is getting too stupid for me to even insult...
LOL there is one blog called the "Women In Science" blog. Cooking is technically science I guess...Or maybe they just talk about how things like getting knocked up work and how to be irrational/moody all the time.
Still looking for a new one though...Oh dear god.

http://www.womentalksports.com/

What the fuck is this. Who approved the existence of this blog. I'm going to go out on a limb here, before I even click on the link, and say that the first thing I see is going to be a discussion about Troy Polomalu's hair or how hot Derek Jeter is. Oh nope, I was wrong. The first thing I saw was actually a gigantic ad for Slim-Fast. I don't even have a joke for that. I mean honestly sometimes this shit just writes itself. I'm gonna click on the Winter X Games link, at the risk of throwing my computer through the sliding glass door that is 4 feet away right now. Hmm its just a schedule of the events. No lists of athletes or anything...If you're gonna fucking copy and paste shit from ESPN.com then ladies maybe you shouldn't get distracted by the new episode of Modern Family halfway through and forget what you were doing. Embarrassing. By the way, the only ads I have seen on the site so far are for either diamond companies or weight loss companies. News flash: One of those comes before the other one. Hint: its not the one with "diamond" in the description. No one wants to marry a heifer. Oooh live blog this is going to provide some quality material for me to shit on I bet. First one: What Did I Win By Playing Sports by Some Whore With A Long Name. "Believe it or not, writing and athletics are very similar" ...I believe you! Yep! for one, I can name wayyyyy more famous male authors than female ones. And, even the best female authors get paid fractions of what the men do, if only because of good old sexism in the workplace. Hey ladies that shit's been going on for years, and just like the faucet you wanted me to fix, you can whine all you like but no one's going to fix it for you. This blog is just shit as well. The twitter feed on the side that says "Girl Talk About Sports" has been constantly updating with people's opinions of the latest American Idol as well so...Take from that what you will.

Okay I'd really like to get personal before I get off the computer, so I'm gonna look for one single person blog that I can really just insult and hopefully bring that person to tears.

Here's a good one: http://www.imnotjudging-imjustsaying.com/

She's not "judging" she's just "saying". I'm not "racist" I just "hate all races that aren't white". I'm not "a misogynist" I just don't "respect women". I don't "not pull out" I just "forget not to cum inside her". Already on my shit list lady...HOLY CHRIST SHE'S FAT AS FUCK...Sorry I just got alarmed when I saw a picture of her. Oh there's a great post...She has pictures of the BP oil spill and then the caption "WTF!?! How in the hell did this happen? Who was on watch? Why is that person not on trial or dead? And why has no one done anything to correct it?" Well it was people like you and me lady. We are the people that fucking whine and bitch and moan about gas when it gets over 2 dollars, then go fill up our 30 gallon SUV's without blinking an eye. The only difference is that I don't get upset when something (OMG) goes wrong and spout unspecific accusations at no one in particular to try and seem educated. Also, 99% of the world pays over twice as much as we do for gas so fucking suck it up. This is a video of her and I think it speaks for itself.

#82: That Godawful Tempur-Pedic Commercial I Just Saw

So I was sitting here watching TV waiting for the Office to be on and this fucking shit show of a commercial comes on for those Tempur-Pedic beds (the ones that demonstrate how alcoholics can still play with their kids because little Timmy's not going to knock over your glass of red wine when he is bouncing on the bed). The premise is apparently that people of all races and ages fucking go bat shit over Tempur-Pedic beds and they got all these people into a white room to spout inanely about how they would suck a hobbit off just for one night on a Tempur-Pedic. They always tell you to ask them about their fucking bed they sleep in. What the fuck? Do I look like some sort of creepy sleep fetish pillow-fucking asshole? NO. I do not. One old cunt says "Ask me about staying asleep!" and I say "How do you sleep so comfortably knowing that you have one foot in the fucking grave and that sleep apnea could put you down any time you doze off for longer than 10 minutes?" I would actually like to answer a couple of these people's questions that they have posed.

"Ask me what it's like to get your best night's sleep every night" -Some ginger whore
Well ginger whore, I don't get a good night's sleep every night, and unless Tempur-Pedic foam has a magical ingredient that can make the fat chick I just fucked when I was shithoused look less like a mature walrus, then I don't think my morning is going to be too great either. Fuck you and your recessive fucking red hair gene.

"Just ask me" -some pregnant dipshit
Ask you what? What the FUCK do you want me to ask you? I do have a question actually, how is it that you are like 8 months pregnant yet there is no engagement ring on your finger? Ol Tempur-Pedic wasn't seeing a lot of sleeping apparently. Your bed also wasn't seeing a lot of responsible fathers either, which is a little bit more of a bummer. My advice? Take the money you got paid for the commercial and abort the FUCK out of that fetus cause it's doomed already (I'm assuming the deadbeat dad is a minority as well).

"Ask me about how fast I fall asleep" -some weird ass fuck head looking guy
Uh no? I don't give a fuck how fast you fall asleep. What if you wanted to read a book in bed? You'd get like 3 pages done every night. Slowly but surely making you illiterate (this is for sure true) and probably impotent somehow as well. Really though, what a skeezeball thing to say. What he said before they edited it probably sounded like this: "I fall asleep so fucking fast. Ask me about how fast I fall asleep. You have no idea. When I'm at your house, you can go to sleep before me because I fall asleep so fast its ridiculous. I won't smell your hair while you sleep or take your toothbrush from your bathroom and build a shrine to it later. I definitely won't wear your underwear either so no worries there."

"Ask me how we took the first step" -dude that looks like Shawne Merriman who has a girl on his arm that hilariously decided not to look at the camera but at a point 3 inches down and 2 inches to the left of it creating an endearing but still embarassing "dipshit look". Hopefully the "first steps" those people took were to a urologist so that goofy looking bald fuck can get a much needed vasectomy.

#81: Movie Douches

There are two species of this genus of fuck head, the asshole who is watching TV at your house and apparently has something to say about every little fucking thing that happens on the screen like the characters can hear them talk and will react to what they are saying. Example: I'm watching Easy A with my family and every time Emma Stone's character does anything besides breathe or walk my dad starts going off on a tangent about how the plot is ridiculous, and no one would ever do that stuff, the movie is ridiculous, all while drowning out what is actually happening in the movie. If its really that bad of a movie dad why don't you fucking leave...No one said you had to watch the movie. No one also said anything about wanting to hear your opinion on the movie rather than hearing the actual movie so just shut your fucking face there Ebert. That was nothing compared to the time like 3 years ago when I made the mistake of putting in 40 Year Old Virgin after my dad was already 5 or 6 beers deep. All I could hear for the next hour and a half was "HEEEEEHAAAAHEEEEE HOOOOO (my mom makes the mistake of walking by)OH HEY HONEY C'MERE!!!!! AHH HEEE HEEHEAHAHA!!!! Watch this, hey honey watch this, Josh rewind it! Rewind it to the thing!" Me: "What thing dad." Dad: "You know that thing where he's talking about the egg salad (or the part where he plays the trumpet, or the part where he gets drunk, or the part where he...) Its fucking stupid! Keep your opinions until after the movie. No one cares anyways.
The second species would be Theatricus Fuckheaderi, or as they are commonly known, The Stupid Person/Infant Who Makes Noise In The Movie Theater. Can you not be quiet for fucking 2 hours? Is it that hard for you? If so I don't think you should be in the god damn movie because I paid 7.50 for this shit and if your phone goes off one more time, or if your child makes one more screeching noise then I am going to take it and break it over my knee. The phone or the baby. Or both. At this point I don't care.

#80: People Who Say They Are Going To Do Something And Then Don't Fucking Do That Thing

This is probably the thing that annoys me the most out of all the annoying things in the world. Which is saying a lot...But really how fucking hard is it to keep your word? Not hard, if you don't suffer from a severe case of being a fuck head. The most prevalent occurrence of this would be when people say they will be somewhere or do something at a certain time. How hard is it to just fucking be on time? When someone says "Hey dude I will be there at 4" I don't automatically assume that they will be 15 minutes late because their mom told them to clean their fucking room or some other stupid excuse that has no relevance to my life or the timeline we set. Things like getting stuck in rush hour traffic, or missing your alarm are not REASONS to be late they are EXCUSES. It's not my fault you are a dipshit and can't figure out that if you are going across the I-5 bridge at 5:30 on a Tuesday, there IS GOING TO BE SOME FUCKING CONGESTION. Also, I am not responsible for your lazy fucking ass not being able to wake up before 10:30 in the morning. Especially when we make plans to go (you guessed it)...Snowboarding! I can't count the amount of times I've had a perfectly normal conversation with someone where it's like "so we're leaving at 7:30 tomorrow" and then they say "okay", which I stupidly understand to mean "okay" when actually it means "I'm going to get up at 7:30, actually probably closer to 7:45, and then I will take a shit for 15 minutes, during which I will not be answering your phone calls. Then, I will call you back at 8:10 and ask stupid fucking questions like are we still going. Finally, I will tell you that it would be wayyyy easier if you just came and picked me up even though I live approximately 15 minutes farther away from I-5 than you. Hopefully we can get on the mountain by 11:30, that is assuming we even get a parking spot since its a Saturday and Timberline's parking lot is smaller than Kate Hudson's tits*." It's extremely frustrating, but I don't have to tell you that. I'm sure you guys know exactly what I'm talking about. Another instance is when someone says they will text you and then they don't text you. Call me crazy, but it wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest if you just said "I don't have time to text you" instead of being a lying stupid wench cunt. Not that I am bitter. Maybe these people do text me but the EVIL TEXT FAIRY intercepts the messages! Yeah! That's it. And some fucking weird kid gets the texts and wonders why someone randomly texted him "oh Josh I can't wait for you to shit while I suck your dick :p". No that's a joke, I've never gotten a girl to even consider giving me a blumpkin. We all have dreams though...Anyways, my point is this: stop being fucking stupid and saying you're going to do something, or you're going to be somewhere, when you just fucking aren't. Its not the end of the world to tell someone no. Sluts, I'm looking at you.


*Why are Kate Hudson's tits so small? She would be top 5 hottest chicks in the world, easily, with normal tits. Instead she didn't hit puberty or something and has those little traffic reflectors or something on her chest.

#79: Stupid Whores Pt. II

There are so many stupid fucking whores out there. They just keep pissing me off and doing stupid whore shit. You'd think that eventually whores would learn to not be whores but NO they do not, because that is the nature of a dumb fucking whore. I don't mean whore in the literal sense because we've all had a use for actual whores at some point (blumpkins anyone?) I just mean it in the most derogatory sense towards a female possible. Let me put it this way, getting railed a bunch doesn't make you a stupid fucking whore in my book but saying dumb shit out loud to a group of people like "hahahehe oh my god I just need some dick right now" does. And don't think for a second I've never heard anyone say that in real life. Because I have. Verbatim. Here are a few examples of things stupid fucking whores will do, just so you can try to avoid them in the future.

-Come to a party with a dude yet not know anyone else there, just so they have a place to drink at.
Hey look, if you aren't cool enough to know anyone with parents that buy booze, or if you don't know anyone over the age of 21, then you should not be at a fucking party. I went through my stupid little high school party phase too and let me tell you, its really fucking lame. You may think that its super cool cause you're sitting in the corner with your little whore friend drinking smirnoff, but really you just weird everyone else out since you are like 16. Plus, any dude that would let you come to a party with you and buy you alcohol is a creeper. He definitely wants to fuck you and if you get too drunk you might have a statutory situation on your hands. No one wants that.
-Wear clothes that definitely do not fucking fit
Nice fucking skirt Shamu, I can almost smell the shit stains on your thong from across the room. No one wants to see your ass hanging out. If it doesn't look good in jeans, its not going to look good without them. That is a scientific fact. Also, muffin tops should be something you eat, not something you gag at as they waddle past you.
-Say anything regarding drama
If you are with a girl that says she hates drama, or loves drama, it doesn't matter, because inevitably they mean the same thing. It means that this fucking whore gets/starts drama wherever she fucking goes because she doesn't know how to be a god damn normal member of society. People who don't engage in "drama" don't fucking talk about drama because doing so makes you sound like you're on the set of Mean Girls or some fucking adolescent shit like that. Girls who say that their only friends are guys, this means you too. If you can't fucking be around other females without starting shit then a) you have stupid fucking whore friends, which is your fault, or b)you are a stupid fucking whore towards other girls, which is still your fault.

#78: That Guy In The Electronic Cigarette Kiosk At The Fucking Mall

If you looked up "pretentious fuck" you'd probably find a picture of this guy sitting on his little stool smoking his fucking electronic cig with the most smug fucking look on his face. I fucking hate everyone who works in one of these kiosks, or has ever worked there. Even if you ever thought about working there, I fucking hate you with every ounce of my being. Every breath you take makes me sadder. FUN FACT: Every time someone is hired to work at those places, a kitten gets thrown into a pit of alligators and torn to shreds while whoever got hired at the cigarette place records it with a Flip camera and posts it to Youtube. Then, a puppy has its legs cut off at the knee so it can still try to walk but yet it looks even more pathetic than if its limbs were completely severed. As if that weren't enough, (remember this is all 100% true and factual) a little baby endangered Panda bear who is just innocently enjoying a mid-afternoon bamboo snack gets cornered by Gary Busey and violently raped. This all takes place at a location where the mother Panda can hear its child's horrific screams or whines (or whatever the fuck a Panda does when its getting raped), yet far enough away that she can't get there in time to save its poor little virgin asshole from a Gary Busey reaming. Is that what you want, electronic cigarette making company? To have three innocent little critters' blood on your hands, not to mention on Gary Busey's dick(TOO FAR)? Because that is what you have brought on the world. What's the fucking point of an electronic cigarette? No study has shown any evidence that they are less harmful to your body. Just another tool for people to falsely feel as though they are better than everyone else. I can't wait for some ignorant fuck head to think he is doing a good thing for his body by smoking an electronic cig and then for him to get lead poisining and die, since these things are made in China after all. So in summation: If you like kittens being killed by alligators and puppies getting dismembered and little infant pandas getting raped by Gary Busey, then by all means start work at one of these fuck head kiosks ASAP. You sick fuck.

#77: People Who Hate Stuff Simply Because It Is Popular

What's the deal with shit heads these days...It seems like people get fucking stupider every god damn day. Actually I can't tell if they are stupider or just more annoying. I'm going to surprise the shit out of everyone right now and say stop fucking complaining about Justin Bieber. For one thing I'm sick of fucking hearing about him, but also there's really no reason to hate on him unless you're a jealous piece of shit. The kid is fucking like 16 years old and he plays Disney music, I shouldn't have to listen to people I know who are over 20 whine and complain about Justin Bieber's music. He plays guitar, sucks at skateboarding, has long hair, and is going through puberty...Yeah I bet none of you were ever like that when you were in fucking middle school. People are just angry that they haven't done shit with their lives yet so they take it out on him. I have no problem with Justin Bieber. I did however, lose 90% of my respect for Ludacris when they did a song together because god damn it Luda you should know better. I still have 10% respect for him because his old stuff is great. Lady Gaga also gets a lot of shit, and I can understand not liking her public image because she's obviously weird as tits but people say that she is not a talented musician which is obviously not true. If you did any fucking research, or knew anything about music, then you would know that she is immensely talented at playing piano and singing. So once again, get over your shitty life and stop hating on people more talented than you. Do like I do and hate on people like Chris Kattan and Hugh Grant because those no talent fucks deserve it.

Warning: I am about to go on a snowboarding rant. If you don't care about/have a reasonable knowledge of snowboarding, the following paragraph will not be very entertaining to you.

I see a lot of hate in the snowboarding industry as well...Tons of people seem to just hate Burton for no reason other than they are a huge company. There's even a board some other company came out with that says "Buck Ferton"...Yeah I get it, fuck Burton, good one. But why? What's so fucking terrible about Burton? They're a lot better than other companies. Sure they have some gay collaborations like the one with adidas but they've been a company for like 25+ years, I think they are entitled to a couple fuck ups. They're owned privately and they don't sell any ski shit because they're not a fucking ski company that happens to make snowboards (like K2, Rossignol, Atomic, Head, Salomon, etc.). I also love it when people who ride with anon/Forum/Special Blend stuff talk down on Burton...Guess what all three of those companies are owned by Burton. So is Analog. Burton sponsors so much stuff on the hill too, like those rental boards that say LTR (learn to ride), and the sweet "stash" parks made from all natural stuff (even though there's none around here, lame). They have a binding system that's different from the other companies and some people like to say that its only because Burton is trying to make more money...Well no shit of course they are, that's what running a business is about and if you have any illusions about that you should probably go back to California or wherever it is your stupid hippie ass came from. But you can still buy the same model of boards with normal binding holes if you don't want to use the EST system, and you can get baseplates for free from their website that fit other boards if you have Burton bindings. Respect your fucking roots people.

#76: Toby Flenderson

King of the fuck heads. A ginger. An old person. Divorced. In essence, satan incarnate. I think Michael Scott described Toby best when he said "Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be..." Fucking Human Resources? What kind of shit show job is that? Cool Bachelor's degree you got in Psychology, you really have a lot of options with one of those. That's like getting an English degree from Clark Community College. Toby should have just fucking stayed in Costa Rica with the rest of the red-headed sad sacks. Word on the street is that Toby is even colorblind. Nice going fuck head. What's with the crush on Pam, too...Can you say creeper status? A) she has a husband and B) she's like 20 years younger than you Toby. Get a fucking grip dude. Toby is from HR and so he's not a part of the Dunder Mifflin Family, plus he's divorced so he's not really a part of his family. He's also a racist. Ont time he went to Darryl's house to find out if he was committing worker's comp fraud(he wasn't). He then proceeded to yell at Darryl's sister along with Dwight, making a complete ass out of himself. At least Dwight gets laid, its okay for him to be an asshole. Toby is the kind of person that would look at a bird laying on the ground outside the office, assume it was dead and walk inside. Without even a second thought. He is offensive and lame, so double offensive. Who does he think he is? What gives him the right? Toby has been cruisin for a brusin for 7 seasons, and I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin.

#75: Football Assholes Who Say That God Made Them Win

I'm not here for a fucking theological debate as to whether god does or does not exist, that would be stupid and no one would ever win. I am also not here to listen to any of you fucks whine about how I didn't capitalize god's name, or that I am taking his name in vain, or that god might be female, wah wah cry wah bitch moan. I really don't give a flying tomato fuck. I do, however, find it extremely exasperating when Tim Tebow or some other bible (t)humping freak talks in his postgame interview about how "god is the reason we won today" or "this team is so good because of the grace of god"...No. First of all, Tebow, you play on Sunday now and that is god's day off, so there's your first clue he doesn't give a shit who wins or loses. Unless you are a jew in which case Saturday is god's day off. Or if you're Muslim (even you Ahmad Rashad, you convertin son of a bitch) in which case Friday is when god throws back a few brews. So from this data we can glean a statistic which is not misleading whatsoever: 33% of known gods do nothing at all on Sunday. So all you christians out there, who the fuck do you think you are? Implying that god worked for you even on his day off, just so the fuck head Broncos can beat the anti christ Ravens and that murdering heathen Ray Lewis? I really doubt it. But for the sake of argument let's say he does care. Maybe he's falling behind in his fantasy league or something, I don't know. Why would he pick one team over the other? Wouldn't all the games be a tie? I thought god loved everyone equally? Are you trying to refute the word of god Tim? :0 That's not a very christian thing to do. In fact its downright sinful. BOOM owned by logic. What about Saturday football? Like college and shit? Well obviously god doesn't give a fuck about them either or else Notre Dame wouldn't suck so much cock. And TCU (Texas Christian University) wouldn't have gotten screwed by the evil BCS.

#74: Gay Ass News Stories That People Care About For Like 2 Weeks Then Forget

This one was sparked by me seeing shit from a bunch of sluts on facebook who thought that the homeless guy who has a great announcing voice is a real inspirational story and its so touching and bla bla bla fucking Hallmark Sandra Bullock bullshit. Yeah that's a great story, give a homeless guy with a history of alcoholism a shit ton of money all at once. Now there's a recipe for success! I give it two months, max, before this guy is back on the streets. Although this time he will probably be face down in a pile of his own shit/puke next to empty bottles of Night Train. Remember those Chilean miners? Yeah they still haven't unionized and they still get paid in tortillas because after they were out of the mine they went back to complete anonymity. What it boils down is people being fake fucks. You don't care about the plight of some poor bastard in a third world country, you just don't. If you did, you would be there helping them out not sitting on your ass using your iPhone to donate 5 dollars to Haiti. What's Haiti? Oh yeah its still a shit hole. Thanks for your "help" building those houses Angelina Jolie. I wouldn't want her helping me with anything, let alone the house I'm going to live in. I wouldn't be surprised to find out Haiti was missing a few orphans after she left too (she would have taken them, its a joke based on her prior adoptions and the subsequent negative press she had gotten). That Zodiac sign bullshit...Who the fuck cares? If you rely on your Zodiac sign to determine the choices that affect your life then fuck you, you deserve no sympathy from anyone because you are a shit head. Not quite a fuck head, but still a definite shit head. Swine Flu. Bird Flu. SARS. The tsunami/earthquakes in Sumatra. That fuck head (yes he is a legitimate geriatric fuck head) pilot who couldn't fly a fucking plane and landed it in the Hudson river because he was old as shit and can't drive a fucking car probably let alone an airplane full of people. Balloon Boy. The people who crashed the inaugural White House dinner or whatever. Et cetera et cetera et cetera. Just a bunch of shit whores and fuck heads pretend to care about in order to seem philanthropic and impress their "friends".

#73: The Sequels To The Sandlot

Let me begin by saying that the first Sandlot is easily on my top 10 list of movies for all time, and probably top 5 as well. If you don't like the Sandlot then you should never show your face in public, since you are a sick fuck and probably dream about raping kittens or some other fucked up shit like that you SICK DISGUSTING FUCK! Sorry about the outburst but I get emotional about this. I mean the Sandlot was the movie that shaped my childhood. I dreamt about kissing my future wife for the first time in a public pool because I tricked her into thinking I was drowning. Then I used "buffalo butt breath" as an insult for like three years. It even introduced me to the fantastic world of misogyny with six little words: "You play ball like a GIRL." But then things went horribly awry. If Porter wasn't good enough to lick the dirt off that rich kid's cleats, then the Sandlot 2 and 3 both weren't good enough to lick the shit out of a hobo's swampy asshole. The second one was exactly the same plot but instead of cool kids there were just a bunch of douche lickers running around being gay. This time the kids didn't hit a Babe Ruth autographed baseball over the fence, they fucking shot a rocket over there. What the fuck does that have to do with baseball? Answer: fucking nothing whatsoever. Oh and by the way there was a FEMALE in this one. Not Smalls' hot mom that got railed by Denis Leary, but some fucking little kid who thought she had equal rights probably because it was 1972 and Janis Joplin was drinking Jack Daniels and hollering about feminism or some shit. What kind of pussy dudes let some wench play baseball with them? Hey little girl, there's a fucking softball field down the street, they have flat pitching areas (not mounds obviously) and 150 foot fences just for you and your weaker gender. The third one is even worse, and all I can say about it is that the entire cast and crew should have been aborted when they were in the womb. I'd like to go back in time and chat with each of their mothers, above a flight of stairs, if you catch my drift. They could have gotten the Jewish people that crucified Jesus and I would respect them more than the cast from the third Sandlot. Disgraceful.

While I was writing this I went to the original Sandlot's wikipedia page, and apparently some guy sued the director because Squints was based on him and he thought it was defamation or something...This is what wikipedia said "In 1998, Michael Polydoros sued 20th Century Fox and the producers of the film for defamation. Polydoros, a childhood classmate of David Mickey Evans, the author and director of The Sandlot, claimed that the character Michael "Squints" Palledorous was derogatory and caused him shame and humiliation. The case reached the California Supreme Court, which found in favor of 20th Century Fox." Uh yeah I'd hate to end up like Squints...Sike you couldn't get any better than going home every night knowing you were gonna rail Wendy Peffercorn. Fucking WENDY PEFFERCORN. Get a grip Polydoros.

#72: That Fucking Guy Steve Wilkos

Oh my god Steve fucking Wilkos. I always hated getting sick and staying home from school because inevitably I'd be watching TV and his show would be the only thing on that wasn't a fucking infomercial or a jesus show (which is basically a church infomercial anyways) so I'd get stuck watching some knocked up cunt run her mouth about how La'Kwanzaa won't pay his fucking child support. Then inevitably Steve Wilkos would get up in La'Kwanzaa's face and say some fucking gay bullshit as if he was La'Kwanzaa's dad or something. Steve always made me hate him more than the fucking welfare people who came on his show and had shouting matches.

According to Wikipedia, where everyone gets their information these days, Steve Wilkos "...is an American television personality, a former U.S. Marine and a Lieutenant in the Chicago police. He currently hosts his own talk show, The Steve Wilkos Show, but is best known as the former director of security on The Jerry Springer Show. Wilkos had previously substituted for Springer as host on many occasions before being given his own talk show." If there was a cookbook for making people, and you looked up the recipe for "gigantic asshole", Steve's bio would be the recipe. Unless you meant "gigantic asshole" literally, in which case you would see a picture of Jelisa Castrodale (on account of she probably gets ass railed by dudes on the frequent). Chicago is like a breeding ground for tools. Its not like that place is fun, its always like 20 degrees with a wind chill factor of -50. Plus the Cubs never win shit, I always hear them complain about that too. Yeah? I live in the Northwest, you guys have had a pro baseball team (two, actually) for like 60 years longer than us and we haven't won shit either but you don't her us complaining like a bunch of faggots. Steve's wife's name is Rachelle. Have you ever known a hot chick named Rachelle? No. The only Rachelle I ever knew looked like a meth head, and this was in middle school when we were like 12. Not to mention being in the Marines is gay as shit on your dick...The few, the proud...Is that a gay pride slogan or a Marines commercial? I don't remember. Here's hoping Steve Wilkos' New Year resolution was to slowly but surely kill himself via putting a rock on his gas pedal and falling asleep in the garage in his 1999 Kia that he probably drives (because Kias are fucking lame just like him).

#71: Girls That Don't Put Out

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away (Vancouver, WA) there was a young boy. His name was Josh. He had been hanging out with this chick who shall not be named for like a month, going snowboarding with her (a sacrifice because nearly all girls suck shit and make me go super slow/whine about being cold...NEWS FLASH we are on a mountain in winter its not gonna be fucking 70 degrees), doing gay shit like walks on the waterfront and watching chick movies like The Notebook and stuff. Now I know what you're thinking, holy shit this guy is basically balls deep right now with the shit he has been pulling. That's what I thought too. So I invited her over for a nice little sleepover. Aka we were gonna do the no pants dance. I was kicking it with my bro and I dropped him off at this party at like 10 then went back to the pad with my lady friend. She wanted to watch a movie so I was like whatever why not. I think we watched 50 First Dates or some shit. It wasn't really a bad movie either but honestly I was just trying to get a nut. Here is where the story takes a dark turn. After the movie was over and I folded the futon out (fucking smooth, I know) she just laid down facing away from me and started going to sleep. I'm like WTF is this? I'm not 10 this ain't that kind of sleepover bitch...I just spooned her in hopes that she would get the idea of "heyyy...so yeah...its time to get railed" and not "lets sleep together like we're fucking married or some shit". I GUESS NOT. I kept trying to talk to her and lay some pipe but she was just laying there like I didn't even exist. Now, why the FUCK would you flirt with me, agree to a sleepover at my house, AND wear super sexy pajama shorts yet not want to get it on? Obviously she wanted dick otherwise she wouldn't have been hanging out with an asshole like me for that long. But NOOOOoooOOO. Then to top it all off, she got a call from her fucking mom at like 12 and then left because apparently she wasn't allowed to sleep over anywhere or some gay shit. Here's an idea, tell your mom to fuck off and start playing with my dick or something. Better yet, get your mom over here and she can get plowed too. Instead she just fucking left and I had to go pick up my buddy because the party he went to was lame or something. I don't even remember I was extremely distraught. And that's happened to me multiple times, where some chick will be all up on my shit at a party and then when it comes time to get down to business she just doesn't want to fuck and we lay there doing nothing. Cool I remember when I liked to cuddle...When I was fucking NINE YEARS OLD. Or even worse, she jerks me off for like 5 minutes and then decides she doesn't want to do anything anymore and then just stops. Since I'm not Ben Roethlisberger I'm not going to force her to suck me off or anything but that shit just sucks. Ladies, make up your god damn mind. Don't be a fucking cock tease. Either you want to get railed or you don't. This isn't high school where maybe we'd make out for like 5 minutes and then I'd finger fuck you or something and call it good. No! This is real fucking life and I'm trying to get my dick wet. On a related note, why do so many girls suck dick at sucking dick? You're a female, that's the one thing you should excel at, if anything. But so many times I've just been sitting there while a chick is attempting to suck me off and just thought 'Wow...She is really terrible at that...' Sometimes they can't even get their mouth past the tip. Right...Look, I'm not a porn star, my dick's not that big, try harder. You hear women complaining all the time about how guys don't care about a woman's pleasure, well it's fucking hard to get excited about eating pussy when you just gave me a 4 minute "hand job" with your thumb and pointer finger (yes that actually happened to me one time). It used to be sluts were just that-sluts. Today even if you see a chick dressed like ke$ha chances are she will still look at your johnson like its a fucking space creature or something. Christ

#70: Luis Scola

I'm going to make a quick list of things that Luis Scola is greasier than...

-A pizza from Dominos
-Bruno Mars' hair

-Queen Latifah's ass crack

You get the idea. He is a disgusting creep and if it gets hot enough he probably fries eggs in his hair. Not to mention he looks like a fucking weirdo. If I saw Luis Scola out and about, and I didn't know he played in the NBA, I would call the police if he came within 20 feet of me. I'd probably do that anyways if I ever saw him. Houston police probably get calls for creepy dudes hanging around the Rockets' practice facility and then when they show up they're like oh its just Luis again being a fucking weirdo fuck head. I bet they radio back and say "Yeah HQ that 217 was actually Scola again, repeat, the 217 was just Scola" and the dispatcher is like "God damn it Scola that's the 3rd time this week get a fucking haircut or something." Why didn't he just play soccer like all the other greasy Argentinians. At least then I wouldn't have to see him on TV when I watch basketball.
He was born in 1980 apparently...Not surprising when you consider that Pau Gasol and Macaulay Culkin were also born that year. It must have been the year of the greasy weird looking fuck heads in the Chinese calendar or something. 1980 was also the year someone shot John Lennon...Coincidence? I think not.

#69: Your Face

Fuck your face. Its so stupid! If your face was a person it would be Gilbert Gottfried. And Jafar would fucking beat the shit out of it all the time. Who does your face think he/she is? Seriously. I would rather watch a sex tape of Star Jones and Larry the Cable Guy in slow motion than see your face for one more second. I heard from this guy that your face has AIDS and is fucking stupid. I trust that guy too, he knows his shit. If my face and your face got in a fight, my face would be like an atom bomb and your face would be like Hiroshima. As in your face would get destroyed and after it was dead it wouldn't even be able to sustain life for like 30-40 years because of all the radiation. People call your face a retarded asshole because stupid shit comes out of your mouth all day (get it, retarded asshole/stupid shit). If your face was a color, it would be chartreuse. AKA the gayest of all colors. Once upon a time, your face was a princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. The only way you could leave is if someone came and slayed the dragon and married you. Your face never left because everyone saw how fucking stupid your face was and said fuck that shit with a big dick. Which reminds me, your face also gets face fucked on the daily. Yep, your face is a pro at taking dick. If there was a league for sucking dick, the NDSA (National Dick Sucking Association), then your face would be a perennial favorite to win their MVP award. And more than likely your throat would get 6th man of the year. If I had you, Brendan Fraser, and That Shithead Spider Who Lives Outside My House tied up in a room together, and I had a gun with 17 bullets (not practical I realize), I would empty the clip into your stupid fucking mongoloid face. It looks like your teeth are fighting a civil war, North vs. South, and your gums are losing. Your lip to gum ratio is worse than the rate of literacy in Africa. I could set up a modern art gallery with your face as the main exhibit and all the pretentious Portland art fucks would love it. But that's not a good thing.

#68: Stupid Fucking Commercials

Its bad enough watching TV with commercials at all, but sometimes the internet fucking shits the bed for no reason and so I can't watch videos online. Fuck you Comcast. Anyways, whats the deal with the ad people that come up with commercials these days? Does the CEO just fucking let his 3 year old come up with ideas? Old Spice had a couple funny ones with the black guy riding around on horses and shit but then they went too far with the Ray Lewis ones.



Its not really funny anymore its just awkward. Ray Lewis flying into an explosion on a raven makes me want to never ever buy an Old Spice product again, and convince other people to do the same in the hope that they go out of business so they can't make any more retarded commercials. I also really hate the Burger King ones where the Whoppers are all a big family or some shit? And Whopper dad is always fucking yelling at his emo son for being a fuck head or something, I don't know. Ha ha Whopper Jr. is selling himself for a dollar and his dad hates it, funny. Sike. Burger King sucks dick anyways. Take me to Wendy's every time.



The absolute worst are those fucking Truth anti smoking commercials though. I didn't think it was possible but those commercials actually make me want to go out and take up smoking, just to spite those fucking losers in the ads. It seems like they always try to alert cigarette companies to stop making cigarettes because they kill 1200 people a day or something like that. Really though that gets them absolutely fucking nowhere because I doubt executives at Marlboro give a flying fuck. Its like the people at truth just recently learned that cigarettes are bad for you. Hey! We all fucking know that they cause lung cancer and stuff. We don't need these fuck heads to drop a shit ton of body bags on a sidewalk to figure that out. I had an idea for an ad in the style of the truth ads just now. Its really great, really gonna open some people's eyes I think. I'll throw a mannequin off a building into a crowd of people. They will all be like "WTF" and then someone will hold up a sign that says "Lots of people die from suicide attempts each year." Fucking brilliant! Right?