Special Edition #100: Shit That I Enjoy

So many things that I hate. 100 of them I have written about (I know it says 99 but there was an 11.5 in there for some reason) on this stupid blog. And I do hate them, each and every one. The posts are like my children that I fathered when I was drunk and forgot to pull out, but somehow they turned into decent kids and I play catch with them on weekends and take them for ice cream sometimes and shit. We're not close by any means, but they feel comfortable asking me for money at least. Anyways, now I think it would be a good time to write about the things that make me happy, because the world needs some good old fashioned positivity! Yea optimism!!


I like it when people I hate have bad things happen to them. For instance, if I read on facebook that one of my ex girlfriends is having a bad day, or is dating some complete tool, or maybe even got hit by an Amtrack train, then my face just lights up. You can say that you wish the best for your ex and it may not be the cool thing to do to denounce them publicly but really its enjoyable when they fail. That is an inarguable fact. Call me a piece of shit! I really could care less. You can't sit (or rather stand I guess) there on your soapbox and tell me that every time little Vicky Derkins who took your virginity/ripped your heart out and spat on it in 9th grade posts on her status "terrible day. just need a friend :(" you don't chuckle to yourself at least on the inside a little bit. Its perfectly natural and healthy to embrace the dickhead in yourself. Which, coincidentally, is what I told a chick last night when she was having second thoughts about taking my penis in her ass.



Another thing I enjoy immensely is when little kids hurt themselves. It is absolutely priceless when I see some poor little shit on skis fucking snowplow into a tree and do one of those little kid cries. There are 8 elements to a little kid cry, at least the good ones.
1. Child hits object
2. Child falls on the ground
3. Child processes the fact that it just ran into a tree going 5 mph
4. Child is unnecessarily frightened by this fact (a second or two has passed since the initial contact by now)
5. Child's mouth begins to open, but no sound comes out - yet
6. Child begins to emit a screeching noise that starts quiet but continually gets louder, like eeeeeEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OWWIE OWWIE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7. Child's parent(s) come over telling them its going to be okay and that they are fine even though the parent a) was not looking when the child fell and b)can obviously see that the child's legs are bent at an impossibly awkward position
8. I laugh at the child's misfortune, and also at the spiderweb racing spandex his parents are wearing

Don't worry though, young kids never get seriously injured by anything ever, their bones are made of rubber until age 10 I'm pretty sure. I looked it up on WebMD.




Things That I Like That Don't Involve Someone Else's Physical Pain: JWoww's(don't know her real name) tits. Those are just a fantastic pair of dick slippers (yes I just made that term up, and yes you can use it) no ifs ands or buts about it. I like The Office, even if the newer episodes have been kind of a let down. I like drinking Jack Daniel's from the bottle because then I can tell women that they can only have some if they take it straight, which leads to them either drinking an amount that wouldn't quench the thirst of a dying African, or refusing it completely thus leaving me more JD. I like putting more than one comma in a sentence. I like watching dudes try really hard at a party to get with a chick when she's sober, and then I like watching myself face fuck said whore in a bathroom 20 minutes after introducing myself when she's drunk. I like putting things in parentheses. I like fuzzy socks. If you don't like fuzzy socks because they are "effeminate" then you are obviously not secure in your sexuality because those things are awesome. I like saying the phrase "you can't buy milk in the bread aisle" at random nonsensical times. And finally, I like finding creative ways/places to piss when I'm drunk.



There it is...Everything you need to know about me, the asshole. This is probably the last blog ever because there's no way I could get to 200 and anything else after 100 would just look stupid. So finally, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK OFF

#99: Women On Facebook

Hey you cunts put down the Ben and Jerry's for a second and listen up. It's time to cut that shit out. You know what I'm talking about. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. All the fucking little posts about how "he is my one and only" and how you are "so lucky to have my snugglebear" or some other retarded shit like that. I realize facebook is designed so that you can share things with your friends but it gets to a point where even your bff is going to stab you in the fucking temple if you don't shut the fuck up about the hipster guy with the beard and how he "gets your feelings". Most of these posts are just desperate whores trying to convince themselves that they aren't actually desperate whores. You can tell because they will post something like "so lucky to have him in my life" and you will think to yourself who the fuck is this bitch talking about. Then you realize she's talking about her new boyfriend she has been going out with for like 5 days. I would be happy for you, if I didn't know for a fact that you were going to break up in a month or so. This has happened like 5 times that I know of before, its happening right now, and it will inevitably continue happening until the end of time. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. So just shut the fuck up about being soul mates until you get like 1 or 2 years under your belt. Although if you can do that you're probably more mature than an autistic 5th grader and therefore won't post stupid whore shit anyways.

98: Potpourri 2 (Or Maybe 3 I'm Not Sure)

Hash Browns: French fries, mashed potatoes, and baked potatoes. Those are the only three ways potatoes should ever be served to me. Hash browns are a joke.

"Hey let's take this potato and fry it so that it becomes not healthy." "Oh you mean like a french fry?"
"No...its going to taste like shit also."
"So instead of being healthy and/or tasting good, you want a food that is neither of those things? And you want it during the best meal of the day, breakfast?"
"Yes."
"Well ok Chris Kattan. You would."

Yes the hash brown was invented by Chris Kattan. If you didn't know that then you may have a syndrome that the medical world refers to as "being a fuck head" and you should get that looked at.

People who complain about how there is too much violence in the world: Yeah you're totally right, we should go back to the good old days when people got hung from trees for no reason other than they were good at basketball black. You know, back when Jewish people had to take chemical showers since some greasy fuck with a lame moustache had an inferiority complex and happened to be good at war strategy. Or even farther back in time, when Friday afternoons were spent fighting off the plague and, if you were lucky, taking the kids to attend a good old fashioned beheading as the rest of the crowd yelled encouragement to the executioner like it was a college basketball game or something. Today's world may be a shit hole but at least we all get fucked over, not just the lower class.

When you buy something and its protected by 17 pounds of stiff plastic: How is a fucking Xbox live card that important. It always says "hey pull apart here, HAHAHA SIKE that's not going to work, fuck you consumer" and I always try to pull it apart and then end up just cutting the fucker with heavy duty scissors and nearly chopping my hand off like it was Aron Ralston's arm.

People Who Worry Too Much: Oh nooo 2012 ahhhh whaaa the planet's gonna die. Who gives a fuck? Either we're fucked completely, and there's nothing we can do about it because Pluto is gonna run a train on mother earth with Planet X or whatever the theory is, or nothing is going to happen and we will all be fine. SO THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT IN WORRYING SINCE IT WON'T HAVE AN EFFECT ON ANYTHING YOU STUPID FUCK.

#97: Lisa Gallucci

Who is Lisa Gallucci? Well for one, she is terrible at Yahtzee. She loses by an average of 70 points every game, and that is just a ballpark figure since I'm not 100% sure she really knows how to add, so her total that she writes down could be wrong. PS what's with those headbands? NEWS FLASH this isn't 1984! She's super classy too, cause she drinks 40s...Oh wait she doesn't even drink them she just breaks them. LOL...Lisa also happens to like dubstep...Why don't you go to fucking Europe Lisa because here in America we like real music that has words in it and drums that aren't made by pressing a button. Gallucci. What a name. When you're born into the Gallucci family you probably get handed pinstriped pants and a plate of spaghetti in the delivery room. She always tries to hug me and I'm like Lisa you smell like cannoli get out of here.

#96: This Article In My Local Paper

http://www.columbian.com/news/2011/mar/04/performance-meets-fashion-in-skiwear/

This is so fucking stupid. Why. Why is there a fashion show for snowboarding clothes. Why does the fucking newspaper feel the need to report it on the front page of the "life" section? And of course, mainstream media can't say anything about snowboarding without mentioning Shaun White. So I may as well talk about him now and get it over with. Apparently Shaun White has started a new trend in snowboarding by wearing skinny pants. Uhh have these people not been on a mountain in the last 6 years? Guys have been wearing girl pants for a while now. "Oh sure you can say that Josh but you have no proof/you are jealous that Shaun White is so cool with his leather pants and shit"..Well as to the first part I will put up some links to shred videos where dudes are wearing girl pants and as to the second part yes I am jealous of Shaun White's skill but no I am not jealous of how he is a ginger and rides pipe all the time.

Jed Anderson, filmed in 07/08

LNP, filmed 08/09

these fuckers, filmed sometime in the 80s

The point is that Shaun White is not the first guy to put on a pair of nut huggers. Nor is he the first to do doubles in the pipe but in all fairness he does go bigger and spin more. Well no, that's not really the point either. The point is that these fuck heads at the columbian say things like “If anyone can pull off a controversial look like that on the mountain it is Shaun,” A controversial look? I've seen old fat ladies in spandex with half a pant leg wedged in their ass crack. That is controversial. I've also seen a white guy with a sombrero and a fake mustache. Also controversial and a little racial, but still funny nonetheless. Its just super annoying when these god awful reporters/journalists cover snowboarding and they obviously have no idea what the fuck they are talking about, they just want to exploit the popularity of the sport for personal exposure/gain. Some whore also said this: "Key colors will include saffron oranges, red wine shades, muted tans, and daffodil, tapioca and banana yellows, Pesce said. For cool colors, look for a range from icy blue to cornflower to royal blue to deep navy, with turquoise or teal greens and a more acidic or sulfuric green rather than kelly green, she said. Sandstone, dusty champagne and mauve also figure to be key." Key? Key to what? Did I miss something? Did Timberline hire a fashion patrol to go along with the asshole ski patrollers that yell at me when I duck the ropes to get some pow shots(not a fucking crime lighten up you fucks)? I can just imagine somebody getting to the lift and then some effeminate dude with fuzzy boots on yelling "PLAID DOES NOT GO WITH POLKA DOTS, TAKE HIS PASS!!!!!" at a poor greasy dude who is wearing 06/07 gear that he borrowed from 3 different people. And the poor greasy dude would punch the guy out, light up a cig, get on the lift and we'd all laugh about it.

"Warmth is always important in the mountains, and Quiksilver is introducing the Cypher heating jacket next season, with a rechargeable battery to heat up panels on the lower back and torso." -Fuck Head from the article
Oh you mean like the Nomis Toasty Jacket that came out in 09(two years ago for those of you lacking basic math skills). Stuuuuuupid

"For hard goods, wood grains are appearing on snowboards and skis."
Well here's a fun fact, snowboards are actually MADE of wood on the inside. WATCH OUT HERE COMES ANOTHER FUN FUCKING FACT: the topsheet is usually made of some sort of plastic, which you can sometimes SEE THROUGH!!!! THUS YOU CAN SEE THE WOOD GRAIN!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!!! This has only been happening since like 95 though so whoever this is quoting wasn't too far behind on his shit (Sarcasm, see #91).

Here is how I see it. Even if your jacket costs more than my whole set up, and even if you have wood grains and muted colors and all that shit, if you go under the lift I'm still going to throw a snowball at you. And if you eat shit on something I'm still going to laugh at you. If you are banking on me seeing you in the lodge and thinking to myself "damn that person has hella nice shit they must be pro/raw as fuck" then you are out of luck again because I actually snowboard all day when I go up to the mountain unlike you fair weather weekend fucks who spend more time posing for pictures than actually riding.
Ps fuck you.