Sunday, March 6, 2011

#96: This Article In My Local Paper

http://www.columbian.com/news/2011/mar/04/performance-meets-fashion-in-skiwear/

This is so fucking stupid. Why. Why is there a fashion show for snowboarding clothes. Why does the fucking newspaper feel the need to report it on the front page of the "life" section? And of course, mainstream media can't say anything about snowboarding without mentioning Shaun White. So I may as well talk about him now and get it over with. Apparently Shaun White has started a new trend in snowboarding by wearing skinny pants. Uhh have these people not been on a mountain in the last 6 years? Guys have been wearing girl pants for a while now. "Oh sure you can say that Josh but you have no proof/you are jealous that Shaun White is so cool with his leather pants and shit"..Well as to the first part I will put up some links to shred videos where dudes are wearing girl pants and as to the second part yes I am jealous of Shaun White's skill but no I am not jealous of how he is a ginger and rides pipe all the time.

Jed Anderson, filmed in 07/08

LNP, filmed 08/09

these fuckers, filmed sometime in the 80s

The point is that Shaun White is not the first guy to put on a pair of nut huggers. Nor is he the first to do doubles in the pipe but in all fairness he does go bigger and spin more. Well no, that's not really the point either. The point is that these fuck heads at the columbian say things like “If anyone can pull off a controversial look like that on the mountain it is Shaun,” A controversial look? I've seen old fat ladies in spandex with half a pant leg wedged in their ass crack. That is controversial. I've also seen a white guy with a sombrero and a fake mustache. Also controversial and a little racial, but still funny nonetheless. Its just super annoying when these god awful reporters/journalists cover snowboarding and they obviously have no idea what the fuck they are talking about, they just want to exploit the popularity of the sport for personal exposure/gain. Some whore also said this: "Key colors will include saffron oranges, red wine shades, muted tans, and daffodil, tapioca and banana yellows, Pesce said. For cool colors, look for a range from icy blue to cornflower to royal blue to deep navy, with turquoise or teal greens and a more acidic or sulfuric green rather than kelly green, she said. Sandstone, dusty champagne and mauve also figure to be key." Key? Key to what? Did I miss something? Did Timberline hire a fashion patrol to go along with the asshole ski patrollers that yell at me when I duck the ropes to get some pow shots(not a fucking crime lighten up you fucks)? I can just imagine somebody getting to the lift and then some effeminate dude with fuzzy boots on yelling "PLAID DOES NOT GO WITH POLKA DOTS, TAKE HIS PASS!!!!!" at a poor greasy dude who is wearing 06/07 gear that he borrowed from 3 different people. And the poor greasy dude would punch the guy out, light up a cig, get on the lift and we'd all laugh about it.

"Warmth is always important in the mountains, and Quiksilver is introducing the Cypher heating jacket next season, with a rechargeable battery to heat up panels on the lower back and torso." -Fuck Head from the article
Oh you mean like the Nomis Toasty Jacket that came out in 09(two years ago for those of you lacking basic math skills). Stuuuuuupid

"For hard goods, wood grains are appearing on snowboards and skis."
Well here's a fun fact, snowboards are actually MADE of wood on the inside. WATCH OUT HERE COMES ANOTHER FUN FUCKING FACT: the topsheet is usually made of some sort of plastic, which you can sometimes SEE THROUGH!!!! THUS YOU CAN SEE THE WOOD GRAIN!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!!! This has only been happening since like 95 though so whoever this is quoting wasn't too far behind on his shit (Sarcasm, see #91).

Here is how I see it. Even if your jacket costs more than my whole set up, and even if you have wood grains and muted colors and all that shit, if you go under the lift I'm still going to throw a snowball at you. And if you eat shit on something I'm still going to laugh at you. If you are banking on me seeing you in the lodge and thinking to myself "damn that person has hella nice shit they must be pro/raw as fuck" then you are out of luck again because I actually snowboard all day when I go up to the mountain unlike you fair weather weekend fucks who spend more time posing for pictures than actually riding.
Ps fuck you.

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