#91: People Who Don't Understand Sarcasm

Actually I love people that don't get sarcasm. It's my favorite thing ever when I say something like "I'd rather shoot myself in the pancreas than listen to Wanda Sykes's voice" and then the other person goes "REALLY?!" because I'm obviously completely serious about it. All you people that don't get my sarcasm, I definitely don't drink because of you. So, just for you heterosexual people, this post is devoid of sarcasm. I repeat, sarcasm is completely absent from this post whatsoever. As such, I would like to list off a few things that I believe to be 100% true without even a hint of a sarcastic remark.

1. Kings Of Leon are a great band and I would pay any amount of money to go see them in concert
2. Unflavored carbonated water (seltzer water, club soda, etc.) does NOT taste like a doctor's glove after he gave an old man a colonoscopy, and the people who drink it are super cool
3. When people don't text me back even after they say they will (especially when it involves information that is important to me), I am completely understanding and even sympathetic towards them because I know how tough it is to press a few small buttons on a phone that you keep with you all the time

***********Women Section***********

Go ahead ladies, don't finish your drink since A) everyone loves the sober chick at a party and B) I bought this beer so you could finish half of 4 separate cans and then leave them out for other drunk people to knock over. Also, talking about sports/video games/music like you know what you are talking about really DOES NOT give me an urge to lay down in front of a riding lawnmower like that guy in the M. Night Shamananipoopoo (or whatever) movie with Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg. Speaking of that movie, The Happening I believe it was called, what a great piece of cinematography right? I mean I know I enjoyed every single second of it and the thought of taking the DVD out and shattering it into a million tiny pieces and then defecating on them didn't cross my mind, not ONCE. Anyways, back to non-ingratiating things that girls do...Oh I almost forgot! All those inspiring quotes on Facebook really get me through the day. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have some chick that I know through my friend's 17 year old sister posting things like "spread your wings like a butterfly live laugh love, because a wise girl gets railed but makes her inebriated partner wear at least one rubber-Marilyn Monroe". Plus, I'm glad that people look up to Marilyn Monroe because she obviously had her life under control and DID NOT die of abusing pills. Women's sports are totally worthwhile and deserve the same amount of national attention as men's sports. Finally, for future reference, I know how to play Jack Johnson so when I tell you yes, I can play guitar, you should all ask me to play Banana Pancakes a minimum of 17 times.

***********End Of Women Section***********

4. I don't laugh at little kids who hurt themselves because that's just sick
5. I would not let Jennifer Aniston sit on my face
6. The guy in Minute To Win It is totally a normal person and deserves all the success and fame he has received in his life. I do not want him to perish in a horrible freak meteor shower that obliterates his home and his home only (assuming he has one)


So there you have it...A totally unbiased, non-opinionated, sarcasm free ode to the joy that is life as I know it. Have a fantastic day!