I fear for the children. What kind of future can we expect for ourselves? It’s looking like when I’m an old man, everyone 5 years or younger than me is going to be an uncreative, lame, stupid piece of shit (except my little cousin Haley). But who can blame them really? Let me just go to Nickelodeon and see what’s on right now... "Ni Hao, Kai-lan". The description of the episode: "On Halloween, Kai-Lan finds a way to cheer up Rintoo, who has sprained his ankle and is sad he can't go trick-or-treating with his friends. Chinese word lesson: jump." WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of stupid ass anime bullshit is this? This kind of show should be on a channel somewhere above 300, if it’s on at all. He sprained his fucking ankle? Doing what? Jumping? Sounds like "Kai-Lan" needs do develop his fucking coordination so he doesn't injure himself doing calisthenics. When I was little, I can remember this one rocket power where Otto broke (not some pussy sprain) his leg because he was doing a double mctwist 900 or some shit. A DOUBLE MCTWIST 900. Not "jumping.” There’s a fucking example for you. At least Otto was trying to do something worthwhile with his life rather than jump around and cry about not going trick or treating. Now let’s see what’s on the Disney Channel... "Imagination Movers. Big Pumpkin Problem: The guys grow a giant pumpkin, but it won't fit through the door." How the FUCK is that an entire episode? How can you call that entertainment? Even for a 5 year old? What happened to movies like "Johnny Tsunami" or "Brink" or "The Even Stevens Movie" or even "Cadet Kelly”? How do you go from bad ass surfers, Shia Labeouf, and Hillary Duff (albeit before she had tits) to a giant fucking pumpkin and 4 guys who look like they are all going to go have a nice game of hide the sausage after the show is over? I don't know. It’s sad. And cartoon network? Now they have shit like "Ben 10", "Sym-Bionic Titan" (I don't even know what that fucking means), and "Chowder"...What the hell is that even about? A show about making soup? Better yet, who gives a fuck what it’s about. I want them to bring back Dexter's Lab! That shit was actually cool. Except when that cunt Dee Dee would fuck with Dexter's Laboratory. That show actually taught me how to spell laboratory because of the way Dexter pronounced it. I learned shit and I had a great time. So thanks guys for pulling a Duke Lacrosse team on my childhood and gang raping it with shit that’s on now.
Friday, October 29, 2010
#23: Society In General
What the fuck is wrong with people today. Just the fact the orange juice with extra pulp even exists is proof that we live in a sick, sick world. Who the fuck likes to drink "pulp"? Mmmm little fuzzy slimy particles of orange are in my glass of OJ. Cool! Sike. Whoever had that idea should be punched in the trachea. And what’s with this story that they’re going to build a "mosque" by where the two towers used to be? I have no stance either way on the topic but holy SHIT I hear about it every day from some college kid trying to sound cool/intelligent or Satan's Fuckheads AKA news reporters. The thing that pisses me off is that people actually give a shit about this whole thing. It’s a FUCKING BUILDING. No one is going to fucking sit in there and plan terrorist attacks. And if they do, well that’s our own fault for letting terrorists into the country. So let it go. However, if terrorists do bomb anything in this country, I would like to put in a formal request that it be an arcade fire concert. A) I’m pretty sure their lead singer has molested children before, solely based on his appearance, and B) their music sounds like Bruce Springsteen fucked The Cure and then that fetus that resulted was aborted and used for stem cell research, then those stem cells became someone’s chode. Can someone please knock some sense into those indie kids that think Arcade Fire is good. Preferably with their "vintage" collection of Bob Dylan vinyl records. Bob Dylan is fucking overrated. There I said it. And surprisingly the whole musical infrastructure didn’t collapse immediately. You know what else is overrated? 3-D movies. Why is it fun to some people to pay an extra ten dollars for uncomfortable sunglasses and a headache 15 minutes into the movie? I will never know. In fact there are millions of things I will never know. Like who eats corn flakes that aren’t frosted? What’s the fucking point? You know you're just going to put sugar on them anyways. Stop fooling yourself and just get Frosted Flakes. And hey black people, wtf? Why are you all wearing Spiderman and Dora the Explorer backpacks? And don’t try to call me racist, because it would be just as fucking retarded if anyone was doing it but I only see black people doing it. So what the fuck? And those clothing lines that have cartoon characters all over them, where did those come from? Example: Some Russian (possibly Ukrainian, I can’t tell them apart) kid was wearing a baby blue jacket and jean shorts, and the blue jacket had bugs bunny sewn on the side and the number 84. I didn't understand it. And then the jean shorts had Daffy Duck and a picture of dice on the side pocket. Uh...What? Is that G now? Who knows? Speaking of being G, I figured out why white people love snowboarding so much. It's because very few black people go snowboarding, so white people feel comfortable dressing and acting thugged out. I see so many white trash fuck heads at the mountain who usually wear jeans and a tank top wearing XXL pants halfway down their ass and XXXXXXXXL t-shirts with pot leaves/an Easy E picture that look like it could be a tent, or maybe a dress. I don't care how good you are you look like a clown. Now if someone was actually dressed like a clown, that would be cool because they obviously aren’t taking themselves too seriously. Lastly, if I get told I need to vote one more fucking time, I swear to Christ that person is going to get their face beat in. Why the FUCK is it so important for me to vote? "your voice counts hnnnnuhhh" fuck that. I don't know shit about politicians, or politics, or even any of the issues people vote on. Why the fuck should I be forced to fill in the bubbles that adhere to my opinions the most if I have no idea what I'm talking about? So Puffy/Sean Combs/Diddy/Dick Cheese/whatever the fuck you are, eat shit because I'm not voting.
#22: Anyone Who Talks Shit About Taylor Swift
The first thing I ask someone when I meet them is 'what do you think of Taylor Swift?' then, depending on their reaction they get one of three responses. If they say Oh she’s awesome I love her! Then they get a high five or maybe a fist pound either/or. If they say I don’t really listen to her or some variation of that then they get a 'what the fuck is wrong with you' stare and silence for the rest of the day. if they say they don’t like her music, well that’s when shit gets real. It’s like I’m Ron Artest and a fan just threw a beer on me. That fucker is getting his face beat in, and he deserves it as well. The worst is when some fuck who thinks they are a music critic says that Taylor has no talent. I guarantee Taylor Swift can sing better than 95% of the population. She can also play guitar well, not really the best but better than everyone I know. But her real strength is how good she is at writing and putting words to music. I can’t wait for some hipster to complain about this post. Fuck Miley Cyrus.
#21: PETA
Get a fucking grip you naive fucks. No amount of protesting or complaining or throwing blood on people who wear fur is going to change anyone's mind about eating or wearing animals. Whaaa whaaa so the slaughter house kills baby cows and makes them watch scary movies or whatever so they taste better. Good! I like hamburgers. And sausage. And pretty much every other animal out there. And I sure as fuck don't like them because they hang out with me. The one time I had dealings with PETA it was because they were offering a free shirt to anyone who gave them their e-mail and address. That was over a year ago. You know what I got? Ten stupid ass pamphlets a week about how Bambi's mom is getting raped by the long dick of American consumer culture, or how awesome it would be if everyone wore fig leaves and ate granola. Not even a whiff of a t-shirt. What a shit operation. Do they really think that because some cows and chickens and maybe some little foreign kids are getting overworked and/or slaughtered that I, or America in general, is going to drastically change what they eat? I hope not. You know why it doesn’t work? Why? Because people are selfish assholes. I’m not talking in terms of not holding the door open for some pregnant bitch at Safeway or declining to round up for breast cancer. As long as people aren't in danger of being led to a slaughterhouse they won’t give a fuck if Chicken Little’s getting shot up with more steroids than Barry Bond's ass and beaten like Tina Turner for a week if it tastes good and is cheaper. That's just an oversimplified example of Darwinism, and you can't expect the planet's dominant species (people [excluding Russians]) not to exercise and abuse that power. It's human nature, if you will.
On a broader subject, leave Michael Vick alone. So he fought dogs, and most of them died. Whatev. You fuck heads that complain about this are the same people who, 5 or 6 years ago, bought Vick jerseys and paid 50 dollars for tickets to an NFL game. Do you expect anyone with the kind of money Vick got paid by the NFL to not do anything retarded? Especially when every day he hears on ESPN how awesome and cool he is? You can't have your cake and eat it too sports fans, this isn't Gabourey Sidibe's (that fat whore in Precious) house. Yeah it was fucking retarded of him, and not humane in any way, but fuck, he had 60 million dollars in cash before he was 25. I wouldn't trust anyone with that kind of money, especially someone from Columbine I mean Virginia Tech.
#20: Beaches in the PNW
Okay this is a little off topic but first I would like to say, how bad ass are tiger sharks? I don't know if all sharks do this but apparently before a tiger shark is born, he/she has to eat a sibling in the womb for sustenance. What the fuck nature? That means every single tiger shark cruising around out there is literally a born killer. And not only do they take a life, but they kill a baby! Tiger sharks straight up don't give a fuck. I bet if they could vote they'd be pro stem-cell.
Any who, I’d rather be an infant tiger shark with gimp fins than to go to a fucking beach around here. Why do people like it? Does it make them feel cool to tell their friends "Ya dude just gonna friz it up at the beach today maybe get some saltwater taffy, take some facebook pics. It’s whatever"? Because that might be cool in San Diego or some shit where the beach is 80 degrees and flat sand for miles, but its retarded as shit up here. Yay 50 degrees and overcast with a 40% chance of rain... NOT COOL. Well maybe we'll just lay a towel out and relax...NOPE it’s always windier than shit and you get like 13 pounds of sand in your eyes. What about all the cool wildlife Josh? GO TO A FUCKING AQUARIUM it’s not like you ever see anything except dead kelp and maybe a couple stupid crabs when you’re at a real beach anyways (or those asshole anemones that don't really squirt water when you poke them). What a fucking buzz kill. I'd rather listen to a Nickelback album all the way through than go to the beach.
#19: Almost Every Show On MTV
Teen Mom (or 16 and pregnant, or whatever the fuck it’s called, I don’t care): Yes! Pregnant people bitching! And then, after the baby (use some fucking protection, Christ) is born, fat ass white chicks bitching! Every dude's dream show! SIKE. Who the fuck watches this shit? I really want to know where the borderline retarded people live that give this show enough ratings to stay on the air. My bet is east Portland and maybe TVs in abandoned homes in New Orleans that were left on MTV and somehow didn’t lose power. Why don't these people realize that if you have a coke problem, no job, and no boyfriend/husband (HA as if any of those heifers would get married anyways) then maybe ITS NOT A GOOD TIME TO GET KNOCKED UP. And how stupid do those guys feel? "Yeah I wouldn’t change anything bla bla bla, I love my daughter...” Yeah okay let me just call bullshit on that real quick, if you think that knocking some fat cunt up in high school and having to raise a child you are obviously not emotionally, mentally, or financially responsibly ready to care for is a good thing, then I know of a mining company in Chile you should invest in also.
My Super Sweet 16: Literally every time I have watched any part of this show I have wanted to punch a girl in the face. First of all, rich kids piss me the fuck off to begin with, and second of all, these kids are the fucking anti-Christ. They whine incessantly: "Daddy I want a Lexus!" or "Daddy get Usher to come to my party and windmill his dick at us!" Or "I want the Jonas brothers to come and run a train on me and my dumb skank friends!" And then when one of their little bitch wishes isn't granted by their rich ass parent’s they throw a fucking hissy fit. You’d think they were 4 and someone just told them it’s not okay to punch grandpa in the nuts when he's not looking. You want to know what I got for my 16th birthday? I don't fucking remember, because it was my 16th birthday and IT WASN'T THAT BIG OF A FUCKING DEAL. I think I went snowboarding and my mom bought me Wendy's. And you know what? I was probably stoked out of my mind about it. So fuck every single person who has been involved with that clusterfuck they call a show.
Jersey Shore: Okay I watched a couple episodes of the first season, they were alright... But the same shit happens every fucking episode. Some orange retard is mad at another orange retard, they go to the club and get shit faced, the people that were angry at each other yell (or sometimes have a little puss fight that consists of slapping) and then Vinny has a horse cock. The end. Every time. For some reason a lot of whores I know like it and that’s probably why it’s on the air. For the record though, I watched that clip of Snooki getting dome rocked like 50 times and yeah I enjoyed it. Fuck sensitivity.
MADE: Uhh.... Am I the only person who notices that the people on these shows are never actually good at the end? I saw one where a girl wanted to be a basketball player (kind of doomed from the get go but whatever) and at the end she could make 6 out of 10 free throws and was on JV. Is that what being made into a great basketball player entails? If so, I am Magic Fucking Johnson (minus the AIDS, come on now). And some other bitch wanted to be a ballet dancer, that’s just fucking lame anyways. Ballet is for 5 year olds and Russian girls. I want to see one with a woman who gets MADE into someone who can drive down the road without fucking up every ten seconds. Hahaha that’s ridiculous I know, sorry.
Silent Library: This one doesn't even deserve two fucking sentences, that’s how shitty it is.
The Real World: Where do they find these people? Everyone on this show is either a freak or a future (possibly past, I don’t know) serial killer. Real world my ass, how many times does anyone you know get followed around by cameras and forced to do stupid shit like sleep with bums in New Orleans. This isn't Lil Wayne’s biography, and no one gives a shit about homeless people anyways.
Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory: I actually like this show. Their receptionist Chanel is someone who I could see myself having incredibly violent drunken sex with.
#17: That Fucking Asshole Metapod
Um bum dum de dum… Here I am walking through the viridian forest. La la la. Pikachu looks tired...man its dark in h-DOODOLOODOODOLOODOODOLOO...A WILD METAPOD APPEARED!
Me: FUCK...I'll try to run... (Cannot escape!) God damn it! Okay...Whatever.
*Pikachu uses Thundershock!*
zzzzzzzt...Metapod loses 3 HP.
*Metapod used Harden!*
Me: You fucking son of a bitch cocoon asshole! God damn it!
Everyone knows what I'm talking about. That green dickhead who looks like a moon never did anything except for make you waste like 10 minutes tapping A and get you so pissed off you feel like pulling a Bob Knight and throwing a chair at someone (or maybe choking out a basketball player, whatever's easier). There's no point in catching one either. If you catch one it doesn’t even know any god damn attacks so what are you going to do, harden at someone until they die? I don’t think there's a Pokemon called Anna Nicole Smith so that’s probably not going to work. A fucking Caterpie is cooler than that chode muncher Metapod.
And while we’re on Pokemon, what the fuck Mr. Mime? Every single one of you are male. How do you reproduce? Were the zipper heads behind my Pokemon yellow game trying to subliminally influence me? I don't know. I do know, however, that Agatha, that filthy old dry whore in the elite four who probably liked to get finger fucked by Professor Oak (get it, Oak, wood, boners) was the biggest cunt of them all. She was the Kaiser Cunt. Fucking ghost Pokemon? It was fucking impossible to kill them, how is my fucking Snorlax supposed to body slam water vapor or whatever the fuck they were made out of? Eventually I just had Articuno ice beam their shit but still. It was fucking annoying. Safari zone? Cool, there's Chanseys everywhere but I can't catch them because every time I throw those dumb fucks some "bait", they run away. And if I did manage to chuck a poke ball at them I always fucking missed. Those things were fat as fuck! How are you going to miss something that's basically a short pink Kirstey Alley. I don't get it. I also don't get Ditto. He changes into the same thing as the other Pokemon you're fighting, except a shittier version. Cool? Transform yourself into a rare candy and then we'll talk pal.
#16: Random Stupid Ass Quotes That Girls Post On Facebook
No we can’t fucking pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, because that’s fucking stupid. Do you want all the people on said plane to incinerate? Just so you can have your wish of the varsity QB to stick his flaccid drunk dick in you? You stupid whore. I’ve had it with you and your stupid ass quotes. Every time I see a quote like, “Life decides when to give you lemons, princesses are beautiful" or some stupid ass whore-speak like that I just want to throw up in my mouth. Are you really that attention deprived that you need to post some copy pasted drivel from a "myspace love quotes" Google search onto your facebook status? If so, then I feel sorry for you. No, actually I don't, because that would require some emotional connection to you or your whorish juvenile expectations of life. NEWS FLASH life sucks dick a lot for everyone. Is it really that much of a bummer that some cute guy wont text you back? Nope. So shut the fuck up. And what the fuck is up with everyone else being like "girl what’s going on?" or "omg text meeeeee"... Look here you fucking slut, if that bitch wanted to text you she would have probably done so before she said that shit on FACEBOOK. And, if not, then get over it, you guys aren’t really friends. The world’s not going to end. Maybe you should focus on not fucking up in the first place so no one has to hear about it over the entire fucking internet… just a thought. And dear god almighty if you’re going to post song lyrics, at the very least don’t do it from a song everyone and their fucking pet gerbil has heard 70 thousand fucking times on z100. I don’t give two shits if it is Portland’s party station, if that’s a fucking party then leave me the fuck out of it. There is no room for idealists in the world today, only realists. Idealists are just optimists with a hard on. So fuck you all, grow the fuck up.
#15: Those Fuck Heads With Halogen Lights Or Whatever On Their Cars
Okay Vin fucking Diesel real cool with the halogens. I’m glad you spent $250 to make a statement with your car. What exactly were you trying to say? “I have the same eyesight as Stevie fucking Wonder so I need to see 3 miles ahead of me?” Or was it, “fuck you oncoming car and the person/people inside them, you don’t deserve to see when I drive towards you?” Either way you’re a real asshole. Every time I see halogens they’re always on either some $60,000 Lexus or a beat to shit ricer. So what can we derive from this data? Answer: anyone who owns a car with halogens is a FUCKING DICK HEAD ASSHOLE.
#14: That Shit Head Spider Who Lives Outside My House
Hey spider asshole who the fuck do you think you are? You would think 124832 billion years of evolution would arm you with the knowledge not to build a web that I fucking walk through every god damn day when I come out of my house. But I guess not, because every time I walk out the front door you have an ass silk special waiting for me right at eye level. And don’t think you’re clever hiding from me when I try to find you and kill you, I know you’re there because I tear down that shit hole you call your home every fucking day. Do you actually live there? I’ve seen better homes on Katrina footage. And what kind of fucking bugs fly up into the corner of a screen door? I’ve never seen one in there. I’m pretty sure you do this just to fuck with me. If so, then I want you to know that I have flushed probably 6-8 of your blood relatives down the toilet. One time, just to send a message, I tossed one in there and then pissed on it just so you fucking spiders would get it. But you didn’t. How can you fucking survive long enough for me to notice you building a new web every day? I catch big spiders sometimes and they’re in terminal dreamland after like one day. I swear to Christ when I catch you you’re going to fucking burn.
#13: Smart Cars
Hey look at me I’m saving so much gas yeah I’m so cool and smart. I drive a SMARTCAR!!! I bet you do save a lot of gas, since someone with no friends/girlfriend isn’t going to be driving around a lot. And don’t give me that saving the planet bullshit. The planet is going to be here forever. The only thing the ozone hole is going to fuck over is us; the planet could really not give less of a shit as it is an INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT. Now, think quickly, it’s wet and you just lost control of your Smart Car, what will you do? Answer: if you’re going faster than 25mph you’re going to fucking die since Smart Cars are about as safe as driving a cardboard box. And, hey lets go on a trip man pack your shit! Oh you can only fit yourself and Verne Troyer in your car? FUCKING AWESOME!
#12: Stupid Ass Movies That Give Women Stupid Ass Ideas About Romance
Romance is dead. Chivalry is dead. Or at least 95% gone. You know it, I know it, but apparently there is a coalition of sluts out there convinced that Gerard Butler or some other fuck head is going to come sweep them off their feet and get married and be in love forever OMG OMG Robert Pattinson is hot but I’m TEAM JACOB!!!!!!!!!!! Nope. Here’s how it happens in movies: there is a dude, (always some combination of ripped/smart/rich, or even all three) who meets a girl in some interesting or "cute" way. Then after a few comedic hijinks, they end up getting married and living happily ever after. I can think of maybe 2 or 3 movies out of the countless romantic comedies I’ve been dragged to by some bitch that didn’t end with the guy getting the girl and everything being perfect at the end. Sure, that’s a great formula for sucking cash out of retarded starry eyed teenage sluts but it also creates certain expectations that are hilarious (to me) to watch. I cannot count the amount of times I’ve seen girls begin a relationship with someone and after like a week start complaining about how he doesn’t take them out, or how he always wants sex, or some other whore logic that makes no sense to me. News Flash: any normal dude, from the ages of 14-45 is going to want to fuck his girlfriend/wife. Why is that such a fucking problem? Oh no, my boyfriend finds me physically attractive. There must be something wrong with him (whore logic). Don't believe me? Think of everyone you know. How many people do you know that have been in relationships longer than a year? No way in hell is it more than 5 or 6. So thanks Hollywood, for cock blocking me numerous times and fucking up the brains of 99% of women everywhere
#11.5: People Who Are Overly Politically Correct
Some fucking whore at Wendy’s had the gumption to talk shit to me after I called my friend gay waiting in line for my delicious jr. bacon cheeseburger. This is what happened, not word for word cause I wasn’t fucking recording the conversation, but you'll get the gist:
Friend: "Dude what are you gonna get"
Me: "I think I’m gonna go with the delectable jr bacon cheeseburger and some crunchy outside juicy inside nuggets"
Friend: "Yeah you do love meat"
Me: “Nice dude. youre so gay"
FUCKING WHORE WHO IS NOT PART OF THE CONVERSATION AT ALL: "Excuse me but my brother is gay and I don’t appreciate slurs like that."
Well miss life of the fucking party, I could not give less of a shit about your whore ass or your cock smoking brother. If you can’t deal with the fact that gay has become a slang term for not cool then you may as well jump off an overpass cause you’re up a shit creek without a paddle on that crusade. Furthermore, people like you that get offended by it are just perpetuating the notion that gays are "different" or "discriminated against" by taking offense to a fucking word. Get down off your high horse cause I don’t care if someone is gay, however, I do care if they're an asshole who thinks it’s cool to butt into conversations that they have no place in. I’m sure your brother would rather be gay than be a stupid cunt like you.
And what the fuck is up with the people who want all the sports names like "Blackhawks" and "Redskins" changed? God I’d hate for a team to be called "The Whiteys", that would just be such an insult to me and my people. NOOOOT! That would be cool. And hey, maybe if you’re that into changing the names, why don’t you give them back THE WHOLE FUCKING CONTINENT YOUR GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDPA FUCKING STOLE FROM THEM?! No? Then shut the fuck up. I don’t think they care as much about a team name as they do about ol granny redcorn getting date raped by john smith and having a bastard son from it. And if they do? Then fuck ‘em they’re stupid assholes. God damn.
#11: The Fucking Mall
Any fucking mall. I don't care. They’re all fucking stupid. Who the hell would want to buy overpriced shit while also having to be around the freaks that hang out at the mall? I saw a girl one time with a skirt that was so short I could see her underwear. And I’m pretty sure a shit streak too. Her boyfriend that was clutching her arm and wearing cargo pants with a wallet chain must have been so proud. I’m sure he had a boner too; I just couldn’t see it because his dick is the size of a 5 hour energy shot. The only good thing about the mall is Cinnabon. But for some reason Cinnabon is always like 2 or 3 sections away from a Hot Topic or Hollister or some other douchebag magnet so it kills my vibe anyways. When I’m at the mall I like to play a game called "count the people I’d rather shoot in the face than be around.” I don’t think I’ve ever scored below 20.
One time I went into a Hollister store, because you can’t hate on something if you've never been inside it (see also: my ex-girlfriends). And no shit, there were naked dudes on the wall. Straight up naked dudes running on the beach. Cool? And, 80 fucking dollars for a sweatshirt? I don’t give a fuck how comfortable it is its 80 fucking dollars. I could get my dick sucked for that much money. Also there’s always that one worker who is way way way too enthusiastic about their shit job and fucking shits a brick when you walk in: "Heyyyyy!! Welcome to Pac-Sun we have soooo many great deals right now!" It’s like, “Bitch I don’t give a fuck, I can read price tags, and you just got whore saliva on me so thanks. Now I'm infested with Syphilis or something.” Actually there is another good thing besides Cinnabon at the Lloyd Center mall, and that is watching people eat shit on the ice skating rink. I get a real big kick out of seeing some 200 lb black girl take a header into the boards. And what’s with that one creeper guy who always just skates around the outside of the rink like he’s trolling for salmon or something; and by salmon I mean underage girls to take "artsy" photos of. But, what do you expect when you’re at the fucking mall I guess? It’s full of young girls who have daddy issues and time to kill. God damn it malls are stupid.
#10: People Who Bring Their Babies Places They Don't Fucking Belong
WHAAAAAA WHAAAAAAAA WHAAAAAAAAA
A baby's cry is probably the worst sound I have ever heard in my entire life. And I’ve heard fat kids having sex on a futon. Fat kids having sex on a futon is like having Jordan fucking Sparks or some bitch with a nice voice singing lullabies to me at bedtime compared to the sound that emanates from a child’s mouth when it is crying. And there seems to always be a fucking baby whenever I go out to eat. A week or so ago, I went to red robin to enjoy a tasty burger. There were TWO FUCKING BABIES. Two! Do I pay 10 dollars and 45 fucking cents to eat a burger in a room that sounds like the Olympic figure skating locker room in 94 after Tonya Harding went Sopranos on Nancy Kerrigan? No I do not. I don't give a flying fuck if you "needed a night out" or if you "couldn’t find a babysitter"... Both not my god damn problem. Leave your fucking kid at home! Surprise! Child rearing takes a lot of responsibility! Maybe if your fat ass can’t stand not going out to red robin a couple times a week then wrap your dick. Or, give it up for adoption at least. And another time, I was at that theater by Lloyd center, the one with all the sketchy crack heads sleeping outside of it, and some idiot brought their baby in there! So while Ben Affleck is going around beating the shit out of people and robbing banks, I hear this:
Baby: WHAAAAAA WHAHAHAHAAAAAA
Mother: Oh sshhh shh shshsh you have to be quiet
Baby (who, coincidentally, is a FUCKING BABY AND DOESNT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH YET): WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: *calmly walks back to where the baby is seated, and with the horrified mother looking on, snaps the childs neck, silencing it*
Rest of Room (Including the Father of the Child): *cheers*
OK you got me, I didn’t actually snap the baby's neck, that would be a felony, but you know everyone in there wanted to. Fucking babies. I hate them
#9: Snowboarding In The Olympics
So here I am, sipping on my jack and coke, being pissed off. Why? Cause of fucking snowboarding in the Olympics. Oh I love snowboarding, it's probably my favorite thing to do besides get my dick wet, but all the fucking hype and meatheads that come along with snowboarding being in the Olympics really pisses me off. For example: every single fucking time someone refers to Shaun White as "the greatest snowboarder ever" or "the flying tomato" I want to kill them/burn down their office at NBC. Shaun White is raw at pipe but frankly he looks like a robot. My first girlfriend had more flair at fucking than Shaun White does at snowboarding. And my first girlfriend was a fucking starfish. Oh and I love how everyone was shitting their pants over Shaun Whites double flips in the pipe...guess what? Mike Michalchuk did it 10-15 years ago. And guess what else? Torstein Horgmo did a triple cork in Norway but no one outside of snowboarding cared because he’s not a ginger or sponsored by fucking Totino’s.
Action sports...the stupidest fucking term ever created. What sport doesn’t have action? Besides NASCAR? Btw, did you guys know that NASCAR is an acronym for “Not A Sport, Cunt Asshole Retard!” And HOLY FUCKING SHIT the commentators are clueless. "Oh geez Dan, look at those aerial maneuvers they're pulling off! Frontside Cab ten eighty (you can’t spin frontside cab, it’s not possible) and the amplitude...amplitude is key to a good score. They’re going to have to do some double corks to win. Shaun White please have my child! Back to you Dan!" *smiles like the cash whore she is.
So, in summation, I’m drunk now, there is more to snowboarding than the halfpipe, and please, please, please, do not think Shaun White is the king of snowboarding. He is the marketing tool of snowboarding. (Get it? Marketing TOOL)
#8: The Ending Of Cast Away
Come on Tom. I love you as much as the next guy but wtf? Your first mistake was marrying that freak Helen Hunt whose forehead is the size of my god damn couch. It’s whatever. Maybe you’re into bitches with huge foreheads and banana tits. I’m not judging you. But once you got back from the middle of butt fuck nowhere and found out your dentist was plowing your wife like a fresh row of corn, you didn’t even say shit to him! At least call him a dick or something. And, when Helen 'my forehead sheltered Katrina victims that couldn't get to the superdome' Hunt comes back to try and suck you off, you deny her! Who gives a fuck if she has a family! You’ve been forced to whack off for the last 4 years! At least get that first nut...But no. And that chick you delivered the package to! If that’s not a move that will get you laid, count me out of the pussy game forever. Instead you just stood in the middle of the road and waited for the credits. Christ Tom.
#7: People Who Don't Train Their Dogs, and Cats In General
I'm going to break it down real simple for all you stupid fucks out there...If you don’t have the time or the discipline to train your dog, don't buy one. Because there's nothing more annoying than walking outside and having some dipshit dog put his face in my lap like it’s a drunk girl on Friday night while the owner just laughs and says oh he likes you! Ha ha ha ha. That’s fucking hilarious! Let’s all laugh about it. I love slobbery pants. So thanks! And when some little fucking Pomeranian or some gay Paris Hilton dog jumps on me for the 5th time, don’t get mad at me for drop kicking that little shit halfway across the Safeway parking lot. I wouldn’t feel the need to do that if your dog had learned 'come' or 'here' or 'get away from that kid before he ends your life'. And boy do I hate cats. 'But they’re so smart bla bla bla'. Yeah? If licking yourself until you puke and treating the people responsible for giving you food water and shelter like a scratching post is smart then I guess cats are geniuses.
#6: People Who Think Smoking Weed Is Healthy And/Or The Coolest Thing Ever
Fucking pot head fucks. I’m getting real sick and tired of hearing about how high you got and how much food you ate. I wasn't fucking there! I don’t give two shits that you went to taco bell and got 7 crunch-wrap supremes and asked the lady in the window to take a hit. If I was there I would probably have wanted to kill myself anyways. “Weed makes everything better dude how can you hate on it?” well what the fuck did you do last time you were high? You watched planet earth for 8 hours and ate all the peanut butter in your house? Fucking epic! Let me in on that next time! SIKE! I'd rather watch a documentary on Gilbert Gottfried. I also like it when people say that weed is good for you since it’s a plant from 'mother nature'. Yeah? So is ipecac, why don’t you go ingest some of that. Fucking retarded asshole.
#5: Hugh Grant
First off, let me say that in all seriousness, Hugh Grant's dad should have pulled out. Or worn a rubber. Or forced his mom to have an abortion. Or have her "trip" and fall down three flights of stairs. Or put a microwave next to her uterus when she slept. Because Hugh Grant is the biggest piece of shit in the entire world. Literally. It wouldn't be so bad if he was just some dumb fuck in Britain sucking down crumpets and wearing turtlenecks. But no, through some sick joke of the universe he actually is a fucking movie star, despite having no acting skills and a personality that makes me want to pull a Cobain and spray my brains all over the wall. Here is the plot of every Hugh Grant movie ever:
Hugh Grant: pip pip cheerio, I’m a distant yet vaguely handsome man with an accent that turns bitches panties into Niagara Falls for some reason, I think I’ll go be neurotic towards some hot chick for a while then nail her and "fall in love" at the end.
Dumb Whore: OMG Hugh Grant love meeeeeeeee
Hugh Grant: Righto
Dumb Whore: *creams everywhere*
Hugh Grant: *sneers*
Aaaaaaaaand cue the credits (to the tune of “I'm Yours” by that queer Jason Mraz or some other song that girls like cause its "cute")
I looked it up and Wikipedia says that Hugh Grant movies have grossed 2.4 billion dollars worldwide. This fact actually made me physically sick, and I puked in my mouth a little bit, the same way I do when I see Nicki Minaj. 2.4 BILLION dollars. For doing nothing worthwhile at all and probably actually making the world a worse place for everyone in it. Fuck it, give him the Nobel Prize and elect him to president. At least his middle name isn't Hussein. But I digress. Can he just get hooked on painkillers or something like Heath Ledger and OD already? Isn't that the cool thing to do nowadays? Look what it did for Ledger's career.
If you’re still under the impression that Hugh Grant's life is worth anything more than the clothes on his back, then consider this little tidbit. He was dating Elizabeth Hurley. Elizabeth Fucking Hurley. And he got caught fucking a prostitute who looks like her face not only got beat with an ugly stick at birth but also may at one point have been a man. You would think even Hugh "Woody Allen minus the creativity and plus a retarded accent" Grant could figure out that he'd rather stick his dick in Elizabeth Hurley than some AIDS infested slut.
#4: That Dumb Fucking Wench Who Took My Order At Burgerville
Stupid Wench: "Hi welcome to Burgerville what can I get for you today?"
Me: "Can I get...two cheese burgers...and a medium sprite please?"
Stupid Wench: "Sure that will be 3.49 please pull to the second window" (or whatever it cost I don’t actually remember, SORRY)
Me: "La la la I’m so excited to wash my burgers down with a tasty sprite, a la Vincent in pulp fiction before he kills that dude who keeps saying “what"...
Stupid Wench: *hands me a bag with two cheeseburgers and FUCKING FRENCH FRIES”
Me: "um did I have a drink with that?"
Stupid Fucking Wench: "no you had the fries and the burgers" (while smiling so I can see all 7 of her janky ass candy corn teeth)
Me: "oh haha I said sprite sorry about that."
Stupid Idiot Fucking Wench With Beef Curtains The Size Of Texas: "no you said fries...well we can switch that for you hold on."
Me: *playing out a scenario in my head where I grab her by the neck, throw her onto the pavement, tell her to eat the curb and drive over her head in my Nissan Xterra, all while the paying customers inside cheer me on and throw confetti
Okay. If that wench was any stupider she would be on a goodwill commercial. What’s the first fucking rule of customer service? THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Not the customer is right, unless you have dried cum in your ear from sucking dick for crack the other night and you can’t hear properly. I can understand not hearing me correctly, Fries and Sprite sound somewhat alike. But why did she have to pretend like I actually gave a flying fuck about what she thinks? Guess what you stupid wench, you’re like 40 and you work at Burgerville. So instead of getting all high and mighty with your GED you probably took the test for about 7 times, why don’t you just give me my fucking food and drink. I’m sure you’re preoccupied with how soon you’re next smoke break is anyways, I saw those cigs in your pocket. My advice? Smoke ‘em all. Hell go to the 7-11 across the street and buy a carton because when you die of lung disease the world will be a better (and cleaner) place.
#3: Stupid Whores
Hey you stupid fucking whore. Congratulations on being able to purchase, get a license for, and insure a car while having the driving ability of Terri Schiavo (look her up). I don’t give a flying fuck if 'trucks are for cowgirls' according to your bumper sticker, I’m going to sideswipe your car if you don’t get out of the fucking fast lane. The speed limit is 60, why are you going 45. Oh that’s right your husband probably beat the portion of your brain that handles reading to shit. And guess what?! If there’s a center divider you don’t have to stop for a fucking school bus. What are the kids going to hop the median? I don’t think so. So here’s to you dumb fucking whore who drives like Farrah Fawcett (post 2009). I hope you crash and die while your bastard child watches you burn.
#2: Douchebags On The Mountain
Go ahead skier guy. Keep scratching the shit out my board with your poles. And keep pretending you don’t see your skis hitting my edges in the lift line, because in about five fucking seconds I’m going to take your wraparound Oakley 'sport' sunglasses and strangle you with them in front of your child, who happens to be attached to you by a harness with a leash. And speaking of children, a huge thank you to the parents who take their kids to the big park just so they can roll over the lips of the jumps and fuck them up. That’s what the god damn BEGINNER Park is for. BEGINNERS. if your son falls on the tranny and lays there for longer than 6 seconds I’m going to land on him and try to slice his head off with my edges. Or you could just get the fuck out! And all the fucking pot heads...Christ man I really don’t give a fuck how many bowls you smoked, especially when we're the only ones on the lift. I can bet it’s more than the amount of showers you’ve taken in the last week though 'brah.'
#1: People Who Ride Brett Favre's Dick
Holy shit. Brett Favre already has a wife; it must be hard for him to stay faithful when so many other people are trying to ride his dick. He is an overrated douche. Now, he is a lock for the hall of fame, no doubt. But he only has the stats he does because he’s been playing since the Mesozoic era. Brett Favre is clutch? He has one fucking super bowl in like 18 years. Trent “shit for brain”' Dilfer won a super bowl as a starting QB. He has thrown more postseason interceptions than anyone. He has thrown more interceptions than anyone, ever. “Oh Josh that’s just because he's played for so long whaaaa!” Oh yeah? Then don’t get pissed when I say he only has that many touchdowns cause he's played longer than Justin Bieber's been alive. Would you like to know who has a better career passer rating than Brett “chokes more than that baby who chain smokes” Favre? Let me name a few...Kurt Warner. Jake fucking Delhomme. Rich FUCKING GANNON. Brett Favre is a shit head, and I hate him.