#5: Hugh Grant

First off, let me say that in all seriousness, Hugh Grant's dad should have pulled out. Or worn a rubber. Or forced his mom to have an abortion. Or have her "trip" and fall down three flights of stairs. Or put a microwave next to her uterus when she slept. Because Hugh Grant is the biggest piece of shit in the entire world. Literally. It wouldn't be so bad if he was just some dumb fuck in Britain sucking down crumpets and wearing turtlenecks. But no, through some sick joke of the universe he actually is a fucking movie star, despite having no acting skills and a personality that makes me want to pull a Cobain and spray my brains all over the wall. Here is the plot of every Hugh Grant movie ever:
Hugh Grant: pip pip cheerio, I’m a distant yet vaguely handsome man with an accent that turns bitches panties into Niagara Falls for some reason, I think I’ll go be neurotic towards some hot chick for a while then nail her and "fall in love" at the end.
Dumb Whore: OMG Hugh Grant love meeeeeeeee
Hugh Grant: Righto
Dumb Whore: *creams everywhere*
Hugh Grant: *sneers*

Aaaaaaaaand cue the credits (to the tune of “I'm Yours” by that queer Jason Mraz or some other song that girls like cause its "cute")

I looked it up and Wikipedia says that Hugh Grant movies have grossed 2.4 billion dollars worldwide. This fact actually made me physically sick, and I puked in my mouth a little bit, the same way I do when I see Nicki Minaj. 2.4 BILLION dollars. For doing nothing worthwhile at all and probably actually making the world a worse place for everyone in it. Fuck it, give him the Nobel Prize and elect him to president. At least his middle name isn't Hussein. But I digress. Can he just get hooked on painkillers or something like Heath Ledger and OD already? Isn't that the cool thing to do nowadays? Look what it did for Ledger's career.

If you’re still under the impression that Hugh Grant's life is worth anything more than the clothes on his back, then consider this little tidbit. He was dating Elizabeth Hurley. Elizabeth Fucking Hurley. And he got caught fucking a prostitute who looks like her face not only got beat with an ugly stick at birth but also may at one point have been a man. You would think even Hugh "Woody Allen minus the creativity and plus a retarded accent" Grant could figure out that he'd rather stick his dick in Elizabeth Hurley than some AIDS infested slut.