You guys on your bikes doing flippy whips and flair stalls are SO cool. Haha oops I thought today was "Say the exact opposite of what you mean" day. Now that I know that it isn't, can you fuck heads get a new fucking hobby? Don't give me any stupid shit about how its fucking hard or whatever because I'm sure it is hard to be really good and do a double backflip and shit like that, but its also probably really hard (oral sex pun) to be really good at sucking a dick. That does not, however mean that its super awesome to go around sucking dicks like they were fleshy push pops. I (and everyone else who's not autistic) learned how to ride a bike when I was like 6 but then I moved on to cooler shit like snowboarding and taking dumps facing backwards on the toilet.
BMX: Hey man hop on my pegs and ride with me hehe we're so cool. Nope. You are a fuck head. Even better is when I see kids sitting on the handlebars of some other kids bike. I always think "eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit" but they never do, its such a buzzkill. Thanks for chopping up the ledges too by the way, ledges are for skateboards. I can't count how many skate spots I have been to where the god damn ledges look like Attila the Hun tried to butt fuck the concrete. I only skate in the summer when its not snowboarding season but still. Don't you guys have some dirt jumps to ride or what.
Mountain Bikes: Mountains. They were made for snowboarding and skiing. Not fucking climbing, or biking, or any other retarded shit that fuck heads like to do. I have heard the argument that mountain biking is way gnarlier than snow sports because "we fall on rocks and dirt not powder man mehhhhhh"...Well if you knew anything about Mt. Hood, a decent powder day happens about 4 times every year. And usually its when the snow is already low, which means we can still fall on rocks we just can't see them before we do land on them cause they happen to be covered by .5 inches of snow. Try sending a 30 foot cliff at 7 at night in 20 degree weather, mountain biking guys, and then we can talk about who is gnarlier. Plus, we are strapped in to our shit. We can't just decide that our dicks are too small halfway through the air and kick the bike away. No. We are going down with that fucker. Which is especially fun on rails. Catching an edge on a rail and falling backwards onto what is either going to be ice, metal, or wood is not a fun thing to do. Last time I checked mountain bikes weren't man enough to even do rails so you guys should probably just STFU and GTFO.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
#94: The Host In Minute To Win It
I did a little research and I guess this guy's name is actually Guy. Guy Fieri...Now, I'm going to pose a question to you and I want you to think real hard. Put your thinking pants on for this one. Have you ever met or heard about someone named "Guy" and not instantly wanted to push him off a freeway bridge? Preferably one that's over something more "concrete" than water (that was a pun)? No you have not. If you have, I want you to real quick do something for me and that something is play on the freeway at night in black clothing. Back to this Guy guy...I believe he was at one point some sort of cook, or chef, or whatever the fuck it is fat assholes who stare at food all day call themselves. He looks like a pudgy more gay Lance Bass. What the fuck is up with that hair? Lance Bass is a huge homo and he doesn't even frost his tips anymore. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Not everything in the 90s was cool, unfortunately. His wikipedia page says that he got a Bachelor's degree in "Hospitality Management" from UNLV. Aka he did nothing with his life while in college. He has also been in an Aflac commercial with that stupid duck. If you are wondering why the duck is so fucking stupid and its voice makes you want to end the life of any duck you ever see, its because Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of the duck. No am I not making this up. That means Gilbert Gottfried and some fuck head who used to be a professional woman aka he cooked food for a living were in the same scene. Those two people combined have got to be stupider than John Travolta's dead son(was). Oh too soon(no)?...I don't give a fuck if Gilbert was Zazu in Lion King, Zazu was a piece of shit nag who ruined everyone's fun all the time. Even when I was 6 I knew that he was a fucking buzzkill and I didn't want anything to do with him. Guy Fieri has also been in commercials for T.G.I. Friday's, which is about 3 notches above Applebee's on the "places I'd rather commit arson to than eat at" scale. And Applebee's is pretty far down on that scale. Guy is also of Italian and Irish ancestry, which means he is going to be a fat stupid alcoholic, if he isn't already. His original last name was Ferry, but he changed it to Fieri since I guess he felt he wanted people to think he was an even bigger douche than he already was? I don't know. He said it was because he wanted to identify more with his Italian heritage. Well here's and idea for you GUY if Italy is so great why don't you fuck off and live there forever and ever.
Monday, February 14, 2011
#93: Dear Abby Pt. II
The first installment was such a hit that I thought I'd do another one. I mean really there is a bottomless well of material on this one, I can't even fathom the number of dipshits with stupid problems that write in asking fuck head questions.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.
HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ
DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT
Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.
HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ
DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT
Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?
Friday, February 11, 2011
#92: Those Dear Abby Things Where Fuck Heads Ask Retarded Questions
I had a conversation the other day with this chick (sounds boring I know) and she said "Josh you don't do anything to help people. You are just a big meanie. Even though you do have a nice thick cock, that you hilariously nicknamed 'The Undertaker'" And I thought you know what, she is right. Then I decided to do something to help people. Well, first I wrote down the date and time because that was the first time I had ever heard a female be right about something that didn't pertain to a Kardashian. But now, without further ado, I will go online and find some people who need help, and god damn it I will help them.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA
Well "squeaky clean" let me tell you a secret. Its not just married couples who take showers together, its every fucking couple that has ever existed that does it. What kind of a fucking prude doesn't want to shower with their bf/gf? The object of a shower with another person isn't to get clean its to fucking have sex obviously. If you write in to dear abby, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you are in the twilight of your life. Which is fantastic and all, congrats for surviving polio I guess, but my point is this. You should be happy that your husband even realizes you still have a vagina. Most of the married couples I've been around have the sexual energy of Raisin Bran. So go ahead and drop the soap because bumpin uglies in the shower is a great time for everyone involved. And lick your titties or something too I'm sure he will like that.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior who is worried about leaving my older sister. "Jamie" is 10 years older and moved back home with my parents and me after she finished college. She takes medication because of her anxiety and stays in her room most of the time. In the six years that Jamie has lived here she has made no friends or acquaintances. I believe I'm the only person she has a relationship with other than her therapist. As I spend more time on schoolwork and projects and less time with her, she feels ignored and becomes desperate to spend time with me. I feel I'm her only link to the outside world. I'm worried that when I move away she'll lose that connection and not make any attempts to find a relationship or a job.
I care deeply about Jamie, but I want to go to college. How can I help her to get moving? -- MY SISTER'S KEEPER IN ILLINOIS
Hey, yeah, sounds like Jamie has an absolutely horrible life. A degree, a family who puts up with her shit, and a home. She may as well kill herself now. SIKE what the fuck is wrong with people these days. She has no friends? There's no substance or chemical that can make you more friendly and outgoing so she is fucked on that one. Oh wait a second, maybe she could just GET A FUCKING LIFE AND DRINK SOME ALCOHOL WITH OTHER PEOPLE HER AGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET. Get a fucking grip. This Jamie cunt sounds like one of those people that could complain about the heat on a trip to Disneyland. I have no time for these people, and neither should you. If they want to sit around talking about their feelings for 34.50 an hour than by all means, go right the fuck ahead. Meanwhile, what's your number "sister's keeper"? And where are you going to college? Cause if you're trying to get railed (and I know you are) maybe we could hang out with our things out.
You know I feel great right now. I just love to help people! If anyone out there has a question, or a problem, I'd be happy to help them with it. Just write it in the comments and I will answer to the best of my knowledge!
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA
Well "squeaky clean" let me tell you a secret. Its not just married couples who take showers together, its every fucking couple that has ever existed that does it. What kind of a fucking prude doesn't want to shower with their bf/gf? The object of a shower with another person isn't to get clean its to fucking have sex obviously. If you write in to dear abby, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you are in the twilight of your life. Which is fantastic and all, congrats for surviving polio I guess, but my point is this. You should be happy that your husband even realizes you still have a vagina. Most of the married couples I've been around have the sexual energy of Raisin Bran. So go ahead and drop the soap because bumpin uglies in the shower is a great time for everyone involved. And lick your titties or something too I'm sure he will like that.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior who is worried about leaving my older sister. "Jamie" is 10 years older and moved back home with my parents and me after she finished college. She takes medication because of her anxiety and stays in her room most of the time. In the six years that Jamie has lived here she has made no friends or acquaintances. I believe I'm the only person she has a relationship with other than her therapist. As I spend more time on schoolwork and projects and less time with her, she feels ignored and becomes desperate to spend time with me. I feel I'm her only link to the outside world. I'm worried that when I move away she'll lose that connection and not make any attempts to find a relationship or a job.
I care deeply about Jamie, but I want to go to college. How can I help her to get moving? -- MY SISTER'S KEEPER IN ILLINOIS
Hey, yeah, sounds like Jamie has an absolutely horrible life. A degree, a family who puts up with her shit, and a home. She may as well kill herself now. SIKE what the fuck is wrong with people these days. She has no friends? There's no substance or chemical that can make you more friendly and outgoing so she is fucked on that one. Oh wait a second, maybe she could just GET A FUCKING LIFE AND DRINK SOME ALCOHOL WITH OTHER PEOPLE HER AGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET. Get a fucking grip. This Jamie cunt sounds like one of those people that could complain about the heat on a trip to Disneyland. I have no time for these people, and neither should you. If they want to sit around talking about their feelings for 34.50 an hour than by all means, go right the fuck ahead. Meanwhile, what's your number "sister's keeper"? And where are you going to college? Cause if you're trying to get railed (and I know you are) maybe we could hang out with our things out.
You know I feel great right now. I just love to help people! If anyone out there has a question, or a problem, I'd be happy to help them with it. Just write it in the comments and I will answer to the best of my knowledge!
#91: People Who Don't Understand Sarcasm
Actually I love people that don't get sarcasm. It's my favorite thing ever when I say something like "I'd rather shoot myself in the pancreas than listen to Wanda Sykes's voice" and then the other person goes "REALLY?!" because I'm obviously completely serious about it. All you people that don't get my sarcasm, I definitely don't drink because of you. So, just for you heterosexual people, this post is devoid of sarcasm. I repeat, sarcasm is completely absent from this post whatsoever. As such, I would like to list off a few things that I believe to be 100% true without even a hint of a sarcastic remark.
1. Kings Of Leon are a great band and I would pay any amount of money to go see them in concert
2. Unflavored carbonated water (seltzer water, club soda, etc.) does NOT taste like a doctor's glove after he gave an old man a colonoscopy, and the people who drink it are super cool
3. When people don't text me back even after they say they will (especially when it involves information that is important to me), I am completely understanding and even sympathetic towards them because I know how tough it is to press a few small buttons on a phone that you keep with you all the time
***********Women Section***********
Go ahead ladies, don't finish your drink since A) everyone loves the sober chick at a party and B) I bought this beer so you could finish half of 4 separate cans and then leave them out for other drunk people to knock over. Also, talking about sports/video games/music like you know what you are talking about really DOES NOT give me an urge to lay down in front of a riding lawnmower like that guy in the M. Night Shamananipoopoo (or whatever) movie with Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg. Speaking of that movie, The Happening I believe it was called, what a great piece of cinematography right? I mean I know I enjoyed every single second of it and the thought of taking the DVD out and shattering it into a million tiny pieces and then defecating on them didn't cross my mind, not ONCE. Anyways, back to non-ingratiating things that girls do...Oh I almost forgot! All those inspiring quotes on Facebook really get me through the day. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have some chick that I know through my friend's 17 year old sister posting things like "spread your wings like a butterfly live laugh love, because a wise girl gets railed but makes her inebriated partner wear at least one rubber-Marilyn Monroe". Plus, I'm glad that people look up to Marilyn Monroe because she obviously had her life under control and DID NOT die of abusing pills. Women's sports are totally worthwhile and deserve the same amount of national attention as men's sports. Finally, for future reference, I know how to play Jack Johnson so when I tell you yes, I can play guitar, you should all ask me to play Banana Pancakes a minimum of 17 times.
***********End Of Women Section***********
4. I don't laugh at little kids who hurt themselves because that's just sick
5. I would not let Jennifer Aniston sit on my face
6. The guy in Minute To Win It is totally a normal person and deserves all the success and fame he has received in his life. I do not want him to perish in a horrible freak meteor shower that obliterates his home and his home only (assuming he has one)
So there you have it...A totally unbiased, non-opinionated, sarcasm free ode to the joy that is life as I know it. Have a fantastic day!
1. Kings Of Leon are a great band and I would pay any amount of money to go see them in concert
2. Unflavored carbonated water (seltzer water, club soda, etc.) does NOT taste like a doctor's glove after he gave an old man a colonoscopy, and the people who drink it are super cool
3. When people don't text me back even after they say they will (especially when it involves information that is important to me), I am completely understanding and even sympathetic towards them because I know how tough it is to press a few small buttons on a phone that you keep with you all the time
***********Women Section***********
Go ahead ladies, don't finish your drink since A) everyone loves the sober chick at a party and B) I bought this beer so you could finish half of 4 separate cans and then leave them out for other drunk people to knock over. Also, talking about sports/video games/music like you know what you are talking about really DOES NOT give me an urge to lay down in front of a riding lawnmower like that guy in the M. Night Shamananipoopoo (or whatever) movie with Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg. Speaking of that movie, The Happening I believe it was called, what a great piece of cinematography right? I mean I know I enjoyed every single second of it and the thought of taking the DVD out and shattering it into a million tiny pieces and then defecating on them didn't cross my mind, not ONCE. Anyways, back to non-ingratiating things that girls do...Oh I almost forgot! All those inspiring quotes on Facebook really get me through the day. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have some chick that I know through my friend's 17 year old sister posting things like "spread your wings like a butterfly live laugh love, because a wise girl gets railed but makes her inebriated partner wear at least one rubber-Marilyn Monroe". Plus, I'm glad that people look up to Marilyn Monroe because she obviously had her life under control and DID NOT die of abusing pills. Women's sports are totally worthwhile and deserve the same amount of national attention as men's sports. Finally, for future reference, I know how to play Jack Johnson so when I tell you yes, I can play guitar, you should all ask me to play Banana Pancakes a minimum of 17 times.
***********End Of Women Section***********
4. I don't laugh at little kids who hurt themselves because that's just sick
5. I would not let Jennifer Aniston sit on my face
6. The guy in Minute To Win It is totally a normal person and deserves all the success and fame he has received in his life. I do not want him to perish in a horrible freak meteor shower that obliterates his home and his home only (assuming he has one)
So there you have it...A totally unbiased, non-opinionated, sarcasm free ode to the joy that is life as I know it. Have a fantastic day!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
#90: Shorts Without Pockets
Hey you little Filipino kids in sweatshops making shorts, what the fuck is wrong with you? When the fuck did it become okay to not put pockets in shorts? Why the fuck would anyone even want shorts without pockets...That basically defeats the only valid reason to wear pants. If I didn't have anything to fucking carry around then obviously I would just not wear pants all the time. But unlike little Ernesto who works his fingers to the bone making shitty clothing, I actually have money and an ID that I carry around in a wallet. Maybe there's just a communication problem between those third world fuck heads and the good people here in America. So let me spell it out for you, Ernesto. PUT SOME FUCKING POCKETS ON MY SHORTS. Carrying a wallet around in a sweatshirt pocket is annoying as fuck and leaving it in the car just invites black peo-I mean criminals-to steal it to pay for their sister's abortion. Sometimes I'm not even wearing a swetshirt with pockets, and then I am really up a shit creek thanks to Ernesto's dumb fucking ass.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
#89: Old Geriatric Fucks Driving Cars
Holy shit if I see one more fucking old ass bag of bones puttering along the freeway at 45 mph I swear to christ I am going to swerve straight into them because I can't fucking take it anymore. Hopefully I will take them out with me but as long as I don't have to slam on my brakes because Gene and his Oldsmobile with the "Nobama" bumper sticker can't fucking get it up (lol) to within 20 miles of the speed limit I will be happy. Why the fuck do old people drive so slow anyways? They are going to die soon you would think they'd be in a hurry to get wherever they're going. I don't give two shits if you served a tour in Vietnam you wrinkly fuck, I'm going to serve your face a tour of pain and raw dog your granddaughter if you can't figure out that you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle if you can't see farther than 6 feet ahead of you, or get a boner without passing out for that matter. Respect your elders my ass...I respect what they did for our country 40 fucking years ago but I don't respect their decision to hold me up for 5 seconds while they decide which side of the OCB (Old Country Buffet, aka Old Cunts Buffet) driveway they want to pull into. This is why I hate driving at like 11 in the morning on a weekday to do stuff, because that's when all the people with one foot in the fucking grave are out and inevitably I will get stuck behind some dinosaur who thinks that "I-5" means "school zone" and that its alright to fucking slow down to 20 when they see brake lights 450 feet in front of them on the freeway. Don't you fuckers have a bingo game to get to or some shit...And hey don't miss the Andy Griffith Show rerun at 5:30 before bedtime, YOU ONLY HAVE 45 MINUTES TO DRIVE THE THREE MILES HOME FROM THE BANK!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
#88: Uneducated Fucks
"Hey wait a minute you didn't even finish college you fucking hypocrite!" Fuck you, I'm not talking about knowing useless shit like "moles" or "Spanish" or "women's studies". I'm talking about those people that are just straight up stupid. Like they wouldn't be able to tell their asshole from a bird's nest. A hallmark of being an uneducated fuck is acting like you know a lot about something when really the things that come out of your mouth make no fucking sense to normal people. Like that new Skins show on TV, people keep saying how awesome and original it is, and then other people will complain about how sleazy and inappropriate it is. Both of these stances are completely fucking retarded. One, like the Office, Skins is a remake of a british sitcom series. And I've seen parts of the british one, its a little more dry humor but its basically the SAME FUCKING SHIT BUT WITH LIMEY FUCKING ACCENTS. Two, its not all that graphic. Sure maybe the characters spout crude sayings and say fucked up shit from time to time but frankly if you are letting your kids watch MTV and then getting offended, you're a dipshit anyways. What about Teen Mom? Hey let's encourage 16 year olds to get knocked up and ruin their fucking lives so they can get their Warholish 15 minutes. That is some messed up exploitative shit and yet I never hear anyone complain about that show unless its because some high school cunt I'm friends with on Facebook thinks one of the girls is ugly or bitchy and has to post about it.
Another thing that just makes me fucking want to hang a cat is when people don't know that a new popular song is just a fucking cover of an old song(s) that deserves the credit but won't because Kid Rock is more popular today than Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Kid Rock didn't write anything on that horrendous "All Summer Long" song besides the shitty lyrics, which are basically about him singing "Sweet Home Alabama" anyways. Other covers that no one seems to fucking know about because people suck in general:
Hurt by Johnny Cash-Actually by Nine Inch Nails (more specifiacally Trent Reznor) 8 years prior. The cover is pretty good though so it's not as bad when people don't know this one.
American Woman by Lenny Kravitz-Originally by the Guess Who. Not the Who you dumb fuck, the Guess Who. Lenny Kravitz is a fuck head and represents everything I disliked about the 90s, most notably black/jewish people.
Drift Away by Uncle Kracker-Originally by Doby Gray in like '74 or some shit. Uncle Kracker is just a shit stain on the underwear of music. That song "Smile" reminds me of a girl who didn't put out, so that sucks too.
Love Song by 311-Originally by the Cure. I knew this girl who liked 311, I touched her boob once, but that's not the point. The point is that 311 should not be allowed to continue making music because they are shit.
Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood-Motley Fucking Crue...I hope no one actually thinks Carrie Slutderwood actually wrote that song because then I'd have to literally murder them. What the fuck was she thinking anyways? Honestly?
The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow-Originally by Cat Stevens. If you don't know who Cat Stevens is, you don't deserve to have an opinion on music. Fact. Plus, Sheryl Crow is hot but she got dumped by a dude with one testicle so she must have a crappy personality or cross-eyed nips or something weird going on.
Lastly, people who think a healthy relationship means making your significant other a part of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU DO. I get it, you guys are in love and life is a fucking fairytale, yeah good for you. But, I don't need to see 10 fucking facebook posts a day about how you "miss your snuggle buddy!" or that you "haven't seen my babyhoneycakes in 2 days so sadddd :(((((" or the "where were you? What did you do last night? Huh huh huh?" fucking quadruple texts to the other person because that's not how you cultivate a healthy working relationship between two equals. That's more of a host/parasite thing, and historically that hasn't worked out well for one or both of you.
Another thing that just makes me fucking want to hang a cat is when people don't know that a new popular song is just a fucking cover of an old song(s) that deserves the credit but won't because Kid Rock is more popular today than Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Kid Rock didn't write anything on that horrendous "All Summer Long" song besides the shitty lyrics, which are basically about him singing "Sweet Home Alabama" anyways. Other covers that no one seems to fucking know about because people suck in general:
Hurt by Johnny Cash-Actually by Nine Inch Nails (more specifiacally Trent Reznor) 8 years prior. The cover is pretty good though so it's not as bad when people don't know this one.
American Woman by Lenny Kravitz-Originally by the Guess Who. Not the Who you dumb fuck, the Guess Who. Lenny Kravitz is a fuck head and represents everything I disliked about the 90s, most notably black/jewish people.
Drift Away by Uncle Kracker-Originally by Doby Gray in like '74 or some shit. Uncle Kracker is just a shit stain on the underwear of music. That song "Smile" reminds me of a girl who didn't put out, so that sucks too.
Love Song by 311-Originally by the Cure. I knew this girl who liked 311, I touched her boob once, but that's not the point. The point is that 311 should not be allowed to continue making music because they are shit.
Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood-Motley Fucking Crue...I hope no one actually thinks Carrie Slutderwood actually wrote that song because then I'd have to literally murder them. What the fuck was she thinking anyways? Honestly?
The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow-Originally by Cat Stevens. If you don't know who Cat Stevens is, you don't deserve to have an opinion on music. Fact. Plus, Sheryl Crow is hot but she got dumped by a dude with one testicle so she must have a crappy personality or cross-eyed nips or something weird going on.
Lastly, people who think a healthy relationship means making your significant other a part of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU DO. I get it, you guys are in love and life is a fucking fairytale, yeah good for you. But, I don't need to see 10 fucking facebook posts a day about how you "miss your snuggle buddy!" or that you "haven't seen my babyhoneycakes in 2 days so sadddd :(((((" or the "where were you? What did you do last night? Huh huh huh?" fucking quadruple texts to the other person because that's not how you cultivate a healthy working relationship between two equals. That's more of a host/parasite thing, and historically that hasn't worked out well for one or both of you.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
#87: More Stupid Fucking Sayings That Are Stupid
Life is too short-Is it though? How many things are you going to do that will last longer than the course of your life? Oh that's right fucking nothing. People say this to me when I don't feel like doing something retarded, like "come on dude just shit on this guy's lawn with us. Life is too short." Well actually, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING SHORT AND I FAIL TO SEE HOW TAKING A DUMP ON SOME FUCK HEAD'S GRASS IS GONNA MAKE IT GO BY ANY SLOWER
Don't bite off more than you can chew-Is this even fucking possible? You can't take a bite of something WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH and then have said bite be more than you can chew WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH. Its simple fucking math people. If you can't chew it, its not gonna fit into your mouth in the first place (insert dick joke here).
Have your cake and eat it too-Okay, thanks? Does anyone ever come into possession of a cake without intending to also eat it? No one fucking goes around buying cakes to put on the wall for their cake collection.
Lastly, there are two sayings that I suppose make sense on their own, but so many whores use them that I noticed they DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE TOGETHER. If one of these is true then the other one can't be just by process of logic.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder-This is what dumb cunts say when they have to be away from their precious boyfriend/husband that they cannot function for more than a day without, or when they have just watched the Notebook and are feeling philosophical. And by philosophical I mean they looked up myspace quotes online.
Out of sight, out of mind-This is what dumb cunts say when they have just recently become single and they want to forget about their boyfriend/husband. If they can't see them, then obviously that means they are totally over him and are ready to mingle (aka get plowed after drinking with a guy named Frank at a shitty bar and then cry on the taxi ride home in the morning)...
LOL one of these sayings has got to go. Either someone is gone and you don't miss them or they're gone and you miss them more. Seriously. It's fucking ridiculous. The shit people will say to make themselves feel better. Just stop and think about what you are saying before you say it and then (not a guarantee for you females out there) you won't sound like a dumb fuck.
Don't bite off more than you can chew-Is this even fucking possible? You can't take a bite of something WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH and then have said bite be more than you can chew WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH. Its simple fucking math people. If you can't chew it, its not gonna fit into your mouth in the first place (insert dick joke here).
Have your cake and eat it too-Okay, thanks? Does anyone ever come into possession of a cake without intending to also eat it? No one fucking goes around buying cakes to put on the wall for their cake collection.
Lastly, there are two sayings that I suppose make sense on their own, but so many whores use them that I noticed they DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE TOGETHER. If one of these is true then the other one can't be just by process of logic.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder-This is what dumb cunts say when they have to be away from their precious boyfriend/husband that they cannot function for more than a day without, or when they have just watched the Notebook and are feeling philosophical. And by philosophical I mean they looked up myspace quotes online.
Out of sight, out of mind-This is what dumb cunts say when they have just recently become single and they want to forget about their boyfriend/husband. If they can't see them, then obviously that means they are totally over him and are ready to mingle (aka get plowed after drinking with a guy named Frank at a shitty bar and then cry on the taxi ride home in the morning)...
LOL one of these sayings has got to go. Either someone is gone and you don't miss them or they're gone and you miss them more. Seriously. It's fucking ridiculous. The shit people will say to make themselves feel better. Just stop and think about what you are saying before you say it and then (not a guarantee for you females out there) you won't sound like a dumb fuck.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
#86: George Lopez/Carlos Mencia
Here's a fun riddle for everyone: What would happen if the taco bell chihuahua ejaculated into a vat of taco grease and then that vat of taco grease was swallowed by an old mexican lady and then that mexican lady's taco shits went through the sewer system and somehow ended up in the uterus of a rat, and that rat gave birth? Answer: George Lopez. Here's another one... What would you get if you turned a third world country (say, randomly off the top of my head, Mexico) into a human being but minus all the positive qualities Mexico has? And then beat that person in the face repeatedly with a blunt object? Answer: Carlos Mencia. Both of these people are the reason I believe in the death penalty. George Lopez...Who watches this guy's show? Does TBS pay hospitals to put it on in the rooms where people are in full body slings so they can't change the channel? The only ratings that show is responsible for is an increase in the suicide rate, because everyone involved with that grease ball cunt George Lopez should kill themselves. He is not funny whatsoever. Unless I missed the boat and being an uneducated broken condom with a thick accent is funny? Maybe I did. But I doubt it. And Carlos Mencia...Has that asshole ever told an original joke? I honestly have never seen it. Probably because if he ever did tell an original joke, everyone would realize what a complete no talent fuck head he is. I have a theory that he is famous because his audience is purely spanish speaking and they don't realize that his jokes are shit because they're too busy looking for the "applause" sign that lights up after Carlos stops talking for more than half a second (which is rare). Fucking burrito rollers.
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