The first installment was such a hit that I thought I'd do another one. I mean really there is a bottomless well of material on this one, I can't even fathom the number of dipshits with stupid problems that write in asking fuck head questions.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.
HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ
DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT
Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?
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