#48: Applebee's

Eatin good in the neighborhood my ass. The slogan should be "eating shit that the cook half assed and either burned or got hair on, in the fucking strip mall nowhere near anyone's neighborhood". I went to Applebee's the other night for the first time in a while and it was a complete fucking shit show.

6:20 pm: I walk in the door and get greeted (read: grunted at) by some creature who was probably female and definitely balding. Note to Applebee's greeters everywhere: those fucking snowbanks on your shoulders do not work up people's appetites. Unless you're going for the "if they puke now they'll eat more later" approach. Jesus Christ "Barb" have you ever heard of Head and Shoulders? Or hygeine in general? Judging by your cigarette stained fungi infested teeth I doubt it.

6:21 pm: I sit in the most uncomfortable fucking waiting area ever. Why the hell are these things even there? Its time for the dinner rush and its like the fucking titanic out here cause everyone wants to sit but there's only enough room for like 10% of the people. Sorry Grandma Rose, you aren't part of my family and I'm fucking tired of standing too, so no way in hell am I getting up for your wrinkly old ass. You should be at Old Country Buffet anyways.

6:30 pm: After a wait that seemed like 4 days because the kid next to me is fucking crying like Brett Favre during his yearly retirement announcement, we are led by "Jessica" to a booth next to a shit ton of sports memorabilia. By the way, congrats Applebee's on getting that Cortez Kennedy jersey thats not even fucking autographed, I can really feel the history emanating from it.

6:43 pm: "Jessica" comes over and asks if we are ready to order. Yes "Jessica", we are. In fact, we also solved the South Korea-North Korea conflict and discussed in detail each track on The Who's concept album 'Tommy'. "Jessica" will now be referred to as Stupid Wench for the remainder of the post (because she reminds me of the chick from Burgerville in #4). I ordered a steak because I'm a man and nothing pleases me more than knowing that some cow got beaten and forced to watch really scary movies and shit just so it would be that much more tasty when I eat an 8 ounce portion of its body. I also didn't order a drink and just got water. Because I'm cheap? Sure. Call me crazy but I don't want to pay 3 dollars for 34 ice cubes and a shot of Coca Cola. I could also go off on a tangent about milk being expensive but that is for another time when IHOP starts to piss me off.

7:24 pm: Here comes Stupid Wench with our shit, great. It only took about 40 fucking minutes. That'll teach us not to order "apps". Wait a second, we did order appetizers, and that's what she's bringing out! It was all so long ago I can't even remember what I fucking ordered. MMM 4 cheese sticks. I'm glad I paid 8 fucking dollars for them because each cheese stick is definitely worth 2 dollars. No, wait a second, these are the frozen ones I can buy in packs of 60 for 5 dollars. Sweet!

7:34 pm: 50 minutes later, here it is. The steak that has been cooked to perfection*1. The baked potato smothered*2 in butter and bacon. The green beans slathered in sauce and cooked beautifully*3.

*1-by perfection I mean there is a crust of black encompassing 95% of the outside of the steak. Yet somehow the inside still has a pulse.

*2-smothered in this instance means that there is a 2cm wide slice of butter on the side and 4 bacon bits on the actual potato. The potato itself looks like a normal baked potato, not even Applebee's could fuck that up.

*3-none of this is true except the fact that the beans are a shade of green and I'm sure that technically, cooked is the correct term for what they did to them.

7:50 pm: We are done eating. Stupid Wench is nowhere to be found. You would think after shortchanging us on literally everything they serve, Applebee's would be eager to take our hard earned money and put it towards the CEO's dick enhancement surgery or some shit. But no, Stupid Wench is probably in the bathroom wringing a tampon into someone's raspberry iced tea.

8:01 pm: Stupid Wench shows up with a belly full of poop, or so I assume, because she has the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen. She gives us the check and walks away, probably laughing because she just set her PR for shittiest service.

8:04 pm: I take a shit in the Applebee's bathroom. Not in the toilet, just in the bathroom. There's no place like the neighborhood, right Applebee's? You fucks.

#47: Nicki Minaj

According to wikipedia, Nicki Minaj was (unfortunately) born on December 8, 1984 in some stupid fucking poor shit hole in the Caribbean that gets hit with hurricanes more than Charlie Sheen hits women. Apparently her father "drank alcohol, took drugs, and once tried to kill her mother by setting the house on fire.", aka what any normal person would have done if they had to live with Nicki Minaj and her mom. Too bad Nicki Minaj is probably Satan's mistress or some shit and can't be hurt by fire. Oh here's a fun quote: ""[w]hen I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly. The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot... and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing." Blah blah blah. Its impossible to be sexy when you look like the fucking Cocoa Puffs bird with fake tits. This one is funny too: "While some songs and interviews have implied that Minaj is bisexual, she has said that she does not date nor have sex with women, but added in an interview with Out magazine, 'I don’t date men either'." HA as if anyone who has a normal amount of chromosomes would want their dick anywhere near that fucking abomination. This is a person who lists Lil Wayne as her main influence, not just in rapping but in real life. a) She is nowhere near the level Lil Wayne is at rapping because she's fucking horrible and women can't do anything better than men anyways. b) Lil Wayne is a worse fucking role model than Osama bin Laden. He shot himself in the chest ON ACCIDENT, just got out of prison, and calls a guy named "Birdman" his daddy. I wouldn't be bothered at all by her horrific "songs" if she didn't get so much fucking attention for them. Sample lyrics from her smash hit "Your Love": 'S' on my chest cuz I'm ready to save him Cuz I'm the one like I'm Tracy McGrady...AGGGHHHHH its like a trifecta of shit lyrics.
1) A fucking superman reference in a rap song, how original. I bet I won't find very many if I look it up on Google...
Superman-Eminem, All Black Everything-Soulja Boy, Crank That Superman-Soulja Boy Superman-Brown Boy, Superman Song-Auburn, Superman-The Game, Superman-Skee Lo...thats just from the first page. Yikes.
2)Women talking about sports, which is just stupid because they obviously don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Tracy McGrady has sucked dick for the last like three or four years. Its not like he was ever anywhere close to the best in the NBA anyways.
3)Rhyming words that don't actually fucking rhyme. Uhhhh say it out loud. SAVE HIM/MCGRADY...Nope doesn't rhyme. Hey look everyone, I can rap like Nicki Minaj: If there were no consequences for my actions/I would blow her brains out the back of her head with a fucking shotgun. Didn't rhyme? Who cares just Auto-tune it. I'll say something about batman afterwards. Oh and listen to the chorus of "Your Love". Its got a fucking stupid reference to Bruce Willis and then she goes BA BA DAT DAT DOH and it reminds me of Forrest Gump after that principal guy nails his mom. Don't try to fucking say that its just my opinion because you can't objectively judge music. Nicki Minaj does not make "music". She puts words TO music. There is a big difference. And the words she does put to music are stupid and unoriginal. If she weren't friends with Lil Wayne and if she didn't get whored out by the media no one would give a fuck about her at all.

#46: Dancing/Clubs

Its been a couple days since something last pissed me off, I was shredding the whole weekend so you can lick my ass if you don't like it. I doubt anyone fucking reads this thing anyways. I know I don't. Don't worry though, I'll soon have you guys (read: the one person who got drunk and clicked on this link) either laughing like a black guy at a Katt Williams concert, or more uncomfortable than a white guy at a Katt Williams concert. I think you have to be black to get that guy's jokes, because they are not funny whatsoever to me. I would rather listen to Bob Levy talk about some 10 year old water polo player with one arm than a Katt Williams joke. Anyways, about this club bullshit. Wow. I mean WOW. The only reason clubs exist, literally the only valid reason, is that hot girls like to dance. Why? I don't know. If you want my opinion the only dance they should be doing is the one where they make me some fucking breakfast after taking a money shot in the face the previous night. I forget what its called. If you are a guy and you go to clubs to dance, or to drink, or anything other than picking up a drunk slut who struggles with self esteem issues, then you are not really a man at all but instead you are an embarassment to people who actually use their dicks for something other than pissing on their balls. What's that you say? You go because they have 2 dollar rockstar/vodka drinks? Fuck you, go to the fucking minute mart and buy a 30 rack like a real man. Rockstars and vodka are both fuck head drinks anyways. Energy drinks are like the tapout shirts of beverages. And vodka came from russia soooo...yeah.

Someone please tell me how that shit whores do can be considered dancing. I don't think grinding up on some creep's camo shorts so hard that it leaves a fucking shit streak can be considered any sort of art form whatsoever. Let's just be real and call it by what it is: Cock Hunting. Because every bitch out there is trying to get railed. If you say you aren't, then you're a lying slut or you're that fat whale whos seen Halley's Comet more times than you've seen a dick. Once the sluts find a pork sword they like, or once it gets past 1 am, then its just a smoke break and a car ride before someone is punching their guts out. It would depress me, if the part of my brain that gave a shit wasn't smaller than the space between Michelle Obama's eyes.

#45: Thanksgiving Edition

Why not. If Charlie Brown can have a Thanksgiving special then fuck you, so can I. Speaking of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, wtf Peppermint Patty? Were you on your period that day or what? Did Marcy not eat you out that morning? Why was she being such a thundercunt to Chuck? All he did was make popcorn and candy for thanksgiving. So the fuck what. I can't wait for Charlie Brown to fucking snap and murder all of his friends...What if he killed Lucy with a football, talk about poetic justice. This is really fucked up to say, but I bet he would rape-murder the little red-haired girl. He'd be all "Do you want to fucking eat lunch with me on the bench now you stuck up bitch?!?!" and then boom he's got her by the hair and he's just destroying her snatch. There's a few sentences I bet you never thought you'd read! Anywho, lets go ahead and fall back on a tried and true method: listing the things that suck ass about Thanksgiving.

1. Talking to family members you don't recognize/know
Who hasn't been sitting there at the table when some old lady walks up and start talking your ear off without even introducing herself. Look, great aunt Edna, I know we are technically blood related but you live in fucking New Hampshire and I haven't seen you since I was 2 years old. An introduction or even a "do you remember me?" never hurt anyone. Time to swallow your pride like that multi vitamin you take before bed and realize that I don't really know you at all.

2. Feeling bad about destroying someone's toilet after you eat all their food
This one happened to me today...Christ, I don't what it is, but mashed potatoes and stuffing turn my asshole into fucking Vesuvius. Watch out little Pompeiians(?) cause here comes the cranberry sauce. I felt bad for whoever was going in next cause it was a fucking natural disaster in there. Unless it was a little kid, which leads me to...

3. Little kids that annoy the shit out of you
Does no one in my family care about the upbringing of their children? Or did I miss the part where it was okay for some little kid to fucking sprint laps around the table like he's Prefontaine or some shit. Yeah congrats on spilling the paper plate of macaroni and cheese your mom got you because you are a picky little shit and won't eat anything else. Meanwhile, the dog is eating it and is gonna puke it up in about 10 minutes because your stupid kid is more concerned about his fucking Nintendo DS getting cheese sauce on it than my fucking house being clean.

4. The Itis
Oh Dave. Dave Chappelle is so right about the Itis...It'll get you. I seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel like 4 times on the way home. I can see the interrogation now...
Cop: Why'd you plow into that stopped minivan of church kids?
Me: I had the Itis! I couldn't help it. So much Turkey...THE TURKEYYYYYY
Cop: Alright buddy. Hope your asshole likes dark meat, cause you're going to prison.

Haha did you guys catch that? I'm so fucking proud of myself for getting a turkey/dark meat-prison rape joke in there. Anyways, thats all of my list. It would probably be longer if my last name was Redcorn or some shit but sorry Indians, we took this shit from you fair and square. Get over it. And leave our sports team names alone.

#44: Beer Pong Assholes

What is the object of beer pong? The object is obviously to get shithoused. Otherwise you wouldn't drink beer while you were playing it. This is why its such an awesome game. Even if you lose, you still win. And it also can't be a real sport because I've seen women beat men at it (this has never happened to me personally FYI). So whats up with these soupy ass fuck heads that think winning a game of beer pong or knowing every single rule ever invented for it makes them the coolest thing since raw dogging? Answer: these are the people who have never been good at anything else in their entire lives. Since they take beer pong so fucking seriously they think it makes them king of the castle or some shit. But really it just makes them seem like a tool.



STORY TIME-So no shit there I am at my friend's house, I don't remember exactly when but it was sometime last summer. And I'm playing beer pong with some kid who I don't know and is already rubbing me the wrong way. By "rubbing me the wrong way" I mean that if this kid was standing on the road and a bus was coming by at a high speed I probably would push him in front of it. Let's call him "Dipshit McGraw". I had my beer in my hand that I had filled with like 2 cups cause I had already drank like 3/4ths of a bottle of Burnett's and that shit is gross, so I wanted to kind of pace myself considering it was 6 in the afternoon. Then my phone rings, and I put my cup down on the table and go pick it up. Next thing I know Dipshit McGraw is yelling some stupid "Death Cup Death Cup" bullshit at me and the other kids are just confused. So I say "Oh Dipshit McGraw, whatever the FUCK are you talking about" and he gives me some gayness about how the ball landed in my beer cup I had earlier put down on the table. "So we'll wash it off then" I say. Nope apparently the DEATH CUP means we lose instantly, or so says Dipshit McGraw. Now I can understand that he was bummed about losing but then he started whining about how shitty I was and telling other people shit like don't talk to that guy he's an idiot. Just generally being a stuck up faggot. A)if you were that concerned about winning why the fuck did you even bring it up because no one else knows what you're talking about and B) its a game of beer pong so get a fucking grip. Oh and I failed to mention all this kid had had to drink was 3 beer cups and maybe two Keystone lights. So in addition to being a fucking idiot he was also a lightweight. Probably had a baby dick too.


The moral of this story is don't be a fucking idiot and bring the vibe of the party down just because you lost a game of beer pong. And don't be an asshole when someone doesn't know all the fucking rules ever created. Most of us don't sit on the computer and look up beer pong rules we can bring up to seem cool at the next party we go to. In fact, here's another rule I just came up with. If you know all the rules to beer pong, you are therefore banned from all parties to think about how pathetic it is that you know so much about beer pong.

#43: People Who Complain About Winter/Snow

How fucking spoiled are you? You don't like cold weather? No one gives a shit. Especially the weather itself. Last time I checked, low pressure systems don't have feelings and they aren't going to leave if you call them stupid. Barometers never commit suicide because people are talking shit about them on facebook. I may as well go whine to the president or king or shaman or whatever of Mexico and tell him to have all the immigrants that don't speak english stop working at the restaurant (Muchas Gracias) by my house. What the hell is so bad about snow anyways? There are 3 main arguments that I hear.

1. It's cold.

No fucking shit. Wear a god damn coat? Stay inside maybe? You don't have to be Matt fucking Zaffino to look outside, see flakes, and realize that maybe its time to bust out the old parka. And if you live in Washington and don't own a warm coat, you should do the world a favor and chug some rat poison because you are clearly a fucking dipshit.

2. It makes it hard to drive.

Not if you don't drive like a fucking retard. Also chains cost what, 50 dollars? Quit being a cheap asshole and buy some. Every year I laugh because I see some dumb cunt in some shitmobile like a 94 mercury or some shit trying to drive to the store for hot cocoa or whatever. Inevitably they will slide out on a turn, or lose control on a hill, and crash into a)other cars b)buildings or my personal favorite, c)unsuspecting pedestrians. You haven't lived until you've seen some dude get laid out by the grill of an f-250.

3. There's nothing to do.

Have you ever heard of this thing called the Winter Olympics? Its like the summer Olympics, but specifically for winter activities. Snowboarding, skiing, crashing into concrete posts...Too soon? Okay you know what, I have no sympathy for that Georgian guy. He gets on a flimsy piece of fucking plastic, and slides 80 mph down a track made purely of ICE surrounded by things that would definitely kill him if he collided with them. What the fuck do you expect? Its not the safest thing in the world. I say we need to go old school and have more deaths at the Olympics. Restore the glory a little bit. But I digress...If you can't find something to do in the snow or in the cold, then you may as well move to Portland with the rest of the depressing losers.

I have to deal with 6 months of summer before I get to shred, you don't hear me fucking complaining about it. So do me a favor and shut the fuck up about hating winter, or snow, or whatever. Its not even bad here in Vancouver, at least this isn't Russia where they have to use poatato skins for blankets and burn hair for warmth.

#42: Dumb Sayings That Fuck Heads Come Up With

"You can't judge a book by its cover!" -referring to some nerd who I just called a turd sucker

Yes I fucking can. If some kid is wearing a tapout shirt and cargo shorts while hitting on some fat goth whore then I can be pretty fucking sure he is a tool. That doesn't make any sense, to not judge a book by the cover. That's where the fucking title is! Am I supposed to read half the fucker in Barnes and Noble? No. I do not have that kind of time to just spend at Barnes and Noble. I am also not one of those cheap fucks wearing a leather vest and slip on vans who just walk into a bookstore and read for hours without buying anything. So don't fucking preach to me that I can't judge a book by its cover.

"That was a game-changing play" -something Chris "I drank a gallon of paint thinner before the game" Collinsworth or some other fucking asshole announcer says

Oh really Chris? No shit? That play changed the outcome of the game? It must be different from all the other fucking plays that had no effect whatsoever on the outcome of the game. FALSE every single fucking play changes the game. You are a professional announcer, its your god damn job to entertain me with your speech, come up with something a little less generic than "that was a game changing play". At least John Madden was entertaining, even if he had the equivalent of a third grade literacy level.

"Expect the unexpected" -lots of women say this, therefore it must be stupid

If you're expecting the unexpected then its not fucking unexpected. Should I walk outside right now and expect a pterodactyl to come swooping out of the sky and eat me? No. Should I expect whores to stop saying "meow" instead of now? Unfortunately, no. Stupid fucking saying said by stupid fucking people.

#41: Losing In Mario Kart 64

Fucking Peach. Yeah smooth move getting those three green koopa shells right before that big jump in Wario's dirt track. I also like how your stupid whore princess brain made you shoot them all at such an angle that they (ALL FUCKING THREE OF THEM) bounce back and forth in front of the jump. One of them is bound to hit me! Sure enough, one of them did. Right as that dago fuck head Luigi drove past me, laughing because he picked up a star, and ran through the koopa shells like Tony Siragusa through a post game spread. Of course I don't have enough fucking speed to clear that god damn jump and have to deal with being half a fucking lap behind. No star cup for me! FUCK. I actually like that track though. The one that sucks is the one with all the fucking traffic and I think its on a bridge? Anyways, whose fucking bright idea was it to have a go-kart race on a freeway? And why is the freeway one way? I always get ran over by some fucking asshole in a semi truck and then ever so gently float back to earth while I fight the urge to chuck my controller into the fucking wall. 9 times out of 10 I will lose to whoever I'm playing by like 40 seconds on that track. Fuck that noise. I'd rather jump off the side of rainbow road. Speaking of rainbow road, I love jumping right before that big huge drop at the beginning. What I don't like is when Bowser decides to be King of the Fuck Heads and drive right under me so that I land on him and wipe out. I don't care if I am Toad, if a fucking go-kart lands on a turtle he should eat shit too. That's just simple physics. Another thing that makes me want to throw a few infants into a woodchipper is when I miss the shortcut on the beach track. If you don't know which shortcut I'm talking about, then I want you to find your childhood and dispose of it because obviously it wasn't worth shit. It's just a simple yellow ramp with red arrows! I don't get how I can think I'm lined up perfectly and then just fucking plow into the side of the rocks like they're your mom. That ramp is cursed. SO are those fucking dick penguins that jump out in front of you. What kind of sick asshole jumps headfirst in front of speeding go-karts? Do they not realize that if I fall in the water I will freeze and somebody's gonna have to pull me out with a fishing pole? That shit isn't fun! Plus it usually puts me in like 7th place. So thanks penguins, for nothing. They probably like to hang out with those doucher snowmen that live in the snow level. Mario raceway...Now there's a classy place. Of course Luigi has to fucking copy his brother and build one similar to it. Mario and Luigi remind me of Peyton and Eli Manning. I bet Mario is always like "hey Luigi remember when they called the video game MARIO kart and not LUIGI kart. Hahahaha faggot!!!!". And then Luigi probably goes off and whines to their dad. Last but not least, Yoshi's track...Who in their right mind wants to drive though that shit hole? It's like racing in some poor fucking African country. Real smart, too, with the sections that are like 3 feet wide with 200 foot cliffs on the side. Yeah I'm sure no one has died from falling down those. SIKE Yoshi is one sick freak. If I'm losing really bad, I always get a kick out of just waiting somewhere for Yoshi and then Lee Harvey Oswalding (yeah I made him a verb) his ass with one of those homing koopa shells. No one can get away from that shit. Especially the blue ones, those will fuck your shit up if you're in the lead. I also enjoy:

-Getting quad bananas and then deploying them right behind the ? boxes so that someone won't see them until ITS TOO LATE HAHAHAHA FUCKING SPUN YOU OUT BITCH.
-Getting a star and plowing the shit out of people like I'm Ray J and they're Kim Kardashian
-Being Bowser and starting in the back of Toad or some puny fuck and just absolutely smashing their face into the steering wheel when I get a boost
-Shooting koopa shells at people right before the turns at Bowser's castle so they fall into the lava like dipshits
-Winning the Star Cup and going balls deep in Princess Peach later that night after slamming Jagerbombs at the afterparty
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#40: Foreign Assholes Who Complain That American Football Is Gayer Than Rugby, Or That Soccer Is The Coolest Sport Ever

Its not just weird looking foreign smelly people either. Sometimes you get that preppy dumbass kid who played soccer in high school and thinks that somehow makes him fucking Cristiano Ronaldo or some shit. Yeah cool dude, you wear Nike turtlenecks to school. That puts you on the same level as the spider that lives outside my house (see #14 for clarification). Let's talk about soccer first. Sometimes, the World Cup is cool. It was awesome when that old bald guy who looked like he belonged in the cold war interrogating English spies headbutted the piss out of that Italian fairy who looked like he should be wringing his hair out into a frying pan and cooking bacon in it. I will also admit that it was cool when they went into a shootout and Italy won. However, that was the one game out of every single fucking soccer game I have watched since I was born that I can actually say I enjoyed watching. 2008's world cup was kind of blurry for me since although I stayed up all night playing drinking games and waiting for the Uganda vs. Kunta Kinte game, the game itself bored me to sleep within 5 minutes. I slept through the entire first day, actually. Then I lost interest and didn't care about the rest of the games. I also didn't see the allegedly super exciting game where the US scored at the last minute to advance or whatever. I did, however, watch the 30 seconds of the game that actually were worth watching on Sportscenter at ten am the next day. Which is exactly why soccer is fucking stupid. Sure its cool for like 30 seconds in a highlight reel, but so is fucking rollerblading. My theory is that all those foreign fucks in AIDSfrica and South "Poorer and More Violent Than North" America have nothing better to do in their little mud hut towns and their cocaine plantations than to kick around a little ball. Or in Africa's case, kicking around whoever died that week's decaying head. Let's face it, there's no money for soccer balls when mosquitoes and a disease that came from (allegedly) someone fucking a monkey are draining your country of resources faster than Kevin Federline drained Britney Spears of dignity. Soccer in America is basically like Lacrosse. Everyone who plays it is a fucking asshole douche because they know their sport will never get as much media attention as, say, women's bowling (hahahahaha). Now, on to the football/rugby dilemma...The thing that everyone keeps coming back to is that football players wear pads and rugby players don't, making rugby players tougher. Fantastic! Rubgy players are also borderline retarded at the end of their career because they've taken more shots to the dome than the Kennedy family. Rugby players also get paid less. They do it for the love of the game! Oooooohhhhh. Stop fucking romanticizing shit. 99% of them are in it for the money too. If the owner of the rugby team said "hey guys sorry but we can't afford to pay you anything" they wouldn't say "we don't care coach we LOVE the game!". They would say "oi fuck you then, piss off". So, lets examine. Football players get paid a ridiculous amount more money and they don't get hurt as much. Gosh they sound like a bunch of idiots!!!! I can't believe they don't play rugby! Fucking pussies (in case you didn't notice, the sarcasm in that last sentence was dripping like a high school girl at a Kings of Leon concert).

#39: The Fact That The Kellog's Pop Tart Fuckers Don't Make Wild Berry Anymore

What the fucking fuck were the Pop-Tart guys thinking. Their train of though must have been something like "hey lets all drop some E and stop making our 2nd most popular (behind strawberry, who are we kidding) flavor. Just to fuck with the general public! Haha we're so fucking awesome and not a bunch of rug munching butthole babies". Real fucking cool guys, now what the fuck am I supposed to do? Its been like 7 years since I walked down the pop-tart aisle in Wal-Mart, the one by the bin of thongs that come with tampons attached (not a joke sadly) and saw that reassuring purple frosted, turquoise drizzled, crunchy on the outside berry paste on the inside picture on the front of a box. Instead, now I have to deal with flavors like hot fudge sundae. Who likes room temperature artificial ice cream flavoring combined with (also room temperature) 'hot' fudge flavor. Fucking no one who deserves to live, that's who. But wait you can heat it up and then its like a real hot fudge sundae right? WRONG. Then you have fucking warm ice cream flavor. Disgusting. Another flavor I don't understand is Oreo. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't there already a snack that has chocolate on the outside and frosting on the inside? Oh yeah, its called A FUCKING OREO. One more brilliant idea by those fuckers is the strawberry milkshake flavor. Let's see...If you have a strawberry milkshake, but then you take out the milkshake qualities and call it a pop tart what do you get? JUST ANOTHER FUCKING STRAWBERRY POP TART. Don't even get me started on the low fat versions of pop tarts...If you're eating pop tarts to lose weight you should also try holding your head underwater while you breathe. You make me sick Kellog's (yes there should be a fucking apostrophe there, don't think I fucked up). If it weren't for Froot Loops you guys would be on my shit list for sure.

#38: Whenever I Go On Craiglist

It was such a good idea. Its like a street market but on your computer. If everyone knew what they were talking about it would work perfectly. But thats the problem, no one knows what the fuck they're talking about. I keep fooling myself into thinking this time, it will be different...But no. I'll be looking for snowboard gear and there will be gems like this. This kid can't even fucking spell, not a good step in getting me to buy something from him. And 400$ for just a snowboard? I don't care which board it is if you spend more than $300 on a board you are either rich as fuck and definitely don't need to buy shit off craigslist or a dumbass.

Somebody is selling Ed Hardy snowboards...Fuck. Now there are gonna be Guidos on the mountain.

It seems like everyone selling snowboards either is moving to fucking Texas or injured themselves so badly they can't snowboard again. I bet some of these turd suckers stole those boards...Which is probably the most shit head snake move you can pull. One of my buddies got his board stolen on the last day of the season and if I ever find out who did it I will personally have unprotected, extremely rough sex with their girlfriend/wife. Unless their gf/wife is a disgusting heifer or non-existant (likely, because whoever steals boards is a greasy fucking cunt rag), in which case I will cut off said thief's hands, and pour salt into his bleeding stumps. And shit in his fridge. Yes he deserves to die, and I hope he burns in hell.

Here's another good one. This one isn't really a bad deal I guess but what the guy says makes him sound like a humungous douche.

"This is a Forum Snowboard 154. This board is super light compared to any 154 board. It’s a unisex pro board made in Austria where the best boards are developed. That’s probably why this board is the lightest board among all of my friend’s boards even when it’s bigger."

So apparently this guy is an expert on every snowboard ever made that was 154cm long and he KNOWS that it is the lightest. Awesome! Doesn't matter if the fucker is made out of cellophane, its still the lightest, and thats fucking rad (not actually rad at all). Also, it is a unisex pro board. Did you hear that! Unlike all those other snowboards that women can't ride, this one is okay for them to use! Thank the lord. Although there is a picture of a woman on it. Its also pink, orange, and white. But hey I'm not judging ol Joni Malmi because he rips, even if his board is a little effeminate. Finally, he says this:
"So I am often ahead of the pack and higher in the air with less work and less fatigue. Put in your best offer now before it’s gone."

If you say things like "ahead of the pack" and "higher in the air with less work and less fatigue" then I'm sorry, but you suck chode at snowboarding. I can't be 100% sure because I don't know this guy and have never seen him shred. Actually yes I can because he sounds like a fucking twat. But hold on! Put in your best offer now because its going to be gone soon. And so will your opportunity to be higher in the air with less fatigue, so get "ahead of the pack" and buy it (don't)!

#37: People Who Can't Fucking Spell Or Use Correct Grammar To Save Their God Damn Lives

Holy SHIT where do I even begin. It's like the plague in London way back in the day, except people aren't dying they are just pissing me the fuck off with their shit grammar. Even the word grammar gives people trouble, its like 50/50 whether someone spells it right or spells it 'grammer'. I don't really mind if it's in a text message or something unimportant. But in emo facebook statuses and school papers and shit like that where people obviously have thought about every word they wrote down, I still see more fuck-ups than an episode of Maury. I'm going to go on facebook right now actually, and take some examples of people I know. Hopefully one of them reads this and gets embarrassed so much it encourages them not to suck at their native fucking language that they have spoken since, well, since THEY LEARNED HOW TO FUCKING SPEAK (keep in mind that this is meant to be humorous, don't hate me just because I call out your shit grammar).

"Jameson, its definatly NOT a personal problem." Its definitely NOT spelled like that. What is the word definitely derived from? I'm not sure the complete etymology but it would appear to come from the word DEFINITE. So how did that little "ly" on the end trick you into thinking that an 'a' also snuck in there? I don't fucking know. The word doesn't even fucking sound like it has an 'a' in it. Christ.

"i think it's time i payed more attention to my piano again." First of all, congrats on putting the period at the end. You were concerned about that but you didn't decide to capitalize the first word. Interesting. Also, payed is the word people use when they are speaking English as a second language. Yes, technically it is correct but it looks weird and your name isn't Juan so just use paid instead.

"You take my breath away, your a supernova :)" Oh boy. This one takes me back to #16...I don't give a fuck if it is an Eminem song, its not a good one. Anyways, this brings me to a crucial point in the lecture i.e., which type of "your" to use. In this case, it would be "you're". You are. It's a contraction. See what they did there? Really not that hard. And while we're on the subject, let's talk about they're/their/there. I don't understand how someone can fuck that up.
They're = They are, as in: I hate people on facebook, THEY'RE so fucking horrible at grammar.
Their = Possession, as in: If they don't cut that shit out I'm going to shove THEIR heads so far up THEIR assholes that they will be tasting THEIR own colon.
There = Where something is, as in: Look over THERE, that guy is getting punched repeatedly in the cock for not knowing which word to use.
It really is that simple!

Another super fun thing people do is to put apostrophes where they don't fucking belong. In fact, I've seen people write out the word apostrophes WITH an apostrophe! How awesome! Example sentences:
-I bought so many black dildo's at the porn shop today!
-I love a good reaming in every last one of my hole's ;)
-Hehe, I love putting hearts instead of actual apostrophe's when I write letters to my boyfriend who is in orchestra and has a 3 inch penis :p

Hoo boy. Those apostrophes (note the lack of an actual apostrophe) are more unwelcome than a mexican in Arizona! Plurals do not, I repeat, DO NOT warrant apostrophes. UNLESS, the word ends in 's'. I am no English professor, but I am pretty sure apostrophe does NOT end in 's'! Here's an easy way to check if you're unsure.
Step 1: Hope your mom didn't consume mass quantities of alcohol when you were in the womb.
Step 2: In case step 1 (see previous) is not possible, look at the last letter of the word. Is this letter an 's'? If so, then you should probably put that little old apostrophe riiight there on the end. If not, congratulations! You can now put an 's' on the end (without an apostrophe now! careful!), making it plural.

#36: Those Fucking CSI Dectective Shows

I really don't get it. Can someone tell me what is so great about these shows? Pretty much everyone I know watches them. I tried to get into them, I really did. I wanted to care about David Caruso's one-liners...I wanted to care about that emo bitch on NCIS...I even watched 'The Closer' with Kyra Sedgwick one time (big fucking mistake). Besides having a face that looks like something my 7 year old cousin would make on a griddle out of pancake batter, she talks in a god-awful southern accent that sounds like Forrest Gump's sister. I could understand if there was one of these shows that was popular, maybe even two, but it seems like there are more of these fucking "crime dramas" than there are Gosselin children. They're all the fucking same! Somebody either commits a murder, or rapes a bitch, or steals a huge amount of money. Oh and there is always some stupid fucking connection between the culprit and one of the characters on the show. Like maybe the boss knew the killer when they were 5 and they played in the same sandbox together which makes it REALLY HARD FOR THE BOSS TO GIVE HIM THE DEATH PENALTY BOO FUCKING HOO. The person that pisses me off the most though, is that girl on NCIS, the one who wears bondage shit to work? Like anyone would let that slide in real life. That chick would walk into work with a spike necklace and fishnets and everyone would laugh at her as she got fired. They'd probably see her at some dirty strip club downtown a couple weeks later, because she's obviously got more daddy issues than Michael Jackson's kids. None of the officers ever shoot anyone either. Maybe its because of the censors or something but its just retarded how the villian guy can go around and rape 20 people and blow up a school bus, but when they get him in a standoff everyone's all DON'T SHOOT HIM HE'LL GET WHAT HE DESERVES IN JAIL. Fuck that, if some asshole like that was pointing a gun at me he'd have a led skull faster than you can say Joran van der Sloot.

#35: People Who Care Way Too Much

Alright its getting annoying. Im glad you give a shit about Darfur or whatever the fuck is happening right now that high school girls worry about, but I really don't. Unless the people in Darfur are my friends or family (they are not), they can fuck right off. People who care way too much about this kind of shit are really just going against human nature, in addition to being annoying as tits whenever they open their mouths. Sorry to burst your bubble but people naturally don't like other people. When anyone plays The Sims do they run around being nice to people? Do they go around building houses for hurricane victims? No they do not. I have seen, however, people burn down a house full of children, burn down a house full of adults, and also burn down a house full of children and adults. Because let's face it; its wayyyy easier (and more fun) to just not give a shit about people you have no connection to. Snotty bitch voice: "But thats just a video game that doesn't even apply to real life." Well okay. Say you're in a car crash. The driver is always going to protect themselves before anyone else because he/she is reacting instinctively, aka looking out for themselves and saying fuck you guys, you can take that hubcap to the temple cause I would like to stay alive. That is the basic structure of human life, as in people with control or power over other people will always excercise that power/control to benefit themselves. There's no use in being a fucking peace corp bitch or donating to world hunger, because there will always be some other fucking problem someone has that they want you to care about and fix for them. We all know half those people that donate money or post some gay pride awareness shit on facebook are doing it for personal recognition anyways. I am all for gay people having the right to marry, and its not like I give a fuck if someone is gay. But I can't exaggerate how little I care that Johnny Asslicker's dad hates him because he takes dicks in the ass on the frequent. That is a problem between Johnny Asslicker and his dad, and nothing I do will ever change either of their minds. Its the same way with the women's rights bullshit in Africa or Iraq or wherever the fuck it is that its happening. No towel head son of a cunt is going to wake up one day and say "Hold on Gupta...take that veil off your face, and here's your clitoris I hacked off when we got married! I just got a letter from some guy in the United States who says that degrading women is terrible and that they should be treated equally! Let's go get a falafel together!" Why wouldn't that happen? Because those people don't give a fuck about what other people have to say. Its kind of like in high school when I would try to talk to some super hot chick. She might listen, but there's no way she's going to go out with me, or even remember who I am like 10 minutes later. The dune coon can read my letter, but later he's just going to laugh and show it to his friends. There's a better chance that Larry King is going to whip out his dick on-air then there is that black people will get reparations, or that Iraqis will stop killing homos, or that people in the deep south will stop being homophobic racists, or that the BCS will change to a playoff system...I could go on and on. But I just don't care anymore.

#34: The Tannen Family

Biff Tannen is a class A fuck head, calling people buttheads and shit. He was too fucking stupid to even graduate high school by himself, he had to force George McFly to do his homework. If you can't graduate high school, you don't deserve anything in this life because you are obviously retarded or got knocked up in high school, which means you're retarded anyways. Oh and real fucking cool at the Under The Sea Dance, feeling up Lorraine even though she said no like 50 times. What a fucking creep. Good thing Marty went back in time and had George fuck his shit up. It was hella funny when Marty went back to the future and Biff was basically George's bitch. George was all "Yo faggot! Put an extra coat of wax on that truck! Biff you dumb fucking idiot. Haha hear that Lorraine, Biff's a fucking tool!" and Biff is like "aw man I am a fucking tool FML :(". But then Biff snakes that fucking gambling almanac and gives it to himself in 1955! Shit gets FUBAR after that and Biff ends up being like the white Sug fucking Knight or some shit and he owns casinos and takes viagra probably. Lorraine married him because George died, and like all women she is a money hungry slut. But WTF she's Marty's mom! I mean come on. Biff is still an alcoholic cunt puncher who likes to play darts except in his version the dart is his hand and the dartboard is Lorraine's face. Then he tries to shoot Marty but Marty dips. Marty and Doc Brown go back to 1955 and get in a chase with Biff. They snatch the almanac back and then Biff gets a face full of horse shit! Hahaha!!! What a loser! Even this guy's great great grandpa or some shit was an asshole who thought he was a fucking cowboy but in reality he was just a prick with chaps and a gun. How did he not notice that Marty put a fucking stove cover in his shirt? Those things are like a foot thick! Could the whole Tannen family be any more of a shit show? Haha fucking nerds.

#33: People Who Sue Other People Over Stupid Ass Shit

,I just went on Google News to see if there was anything cool that happened recently, or to see if Matthew McConaughey had gotten sucked into a plane engine or something (unfortunately, no) and I came across this story. Apparently severe acne raises the risk that someone will commit suicide. In other news of the painfully obvious, people with severe acne are usually losers and have no friends. Not that I give a shit if someone wants to kill themselves, by all means if you can't handle your life then you probably should GTFO, but someone actually sued this company and won a shit ton of money. All because their son had acne and killed himself. That's right mom and dad, it wasn't your fault that the person you BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD and RAISED decided to Cobain himself, it's the medicine he was taking once a day for his acne. How the fuck a judge could award these idiots any money is beyond me. Honestly, the fact that they won is depressing me a little bit...If I kill myself, somebody sue Google since they put that story up. That's how it works right? Wait that would be fucking retarded? Oh right my bad. Just like the fat fucks who sue McDonald's because they can't stop shoveling fillet-o-fishes down their three flab throats. Ronald McDonald never put a gun to your head and told you to live a sedentary lifestyle and to eat McDonald's for every other meal. So when I hear that Tony Chubmeister won $2.5 million from a suit he filed over the saturated fat content in a Big Mac, I get physically ill. Maybe I should sue puma because they make the socks I'm wearing and my feet are cold (which could lead to frostbite!). Maybe I should sue Trojan because I bought some of their condoms and they were too small for my dick and I didn't have as much fun plowing some slut as I could have(which could lead to me raw dogging it and knocking her up!). Maybe I should sue the president because I can't afford to buy a Ferrari. Hey, he runs this place, whatever's going wrong must be his fault. Wait a second, those things are all COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID. I also read about this drunk bitch who drove into Galveston Bay in Texas. Her friend got out alive but she couldn't get her seat belt off since she was a woman and therefore can't handle her liquor (or in this case probably Mike's Hard). Anyways, her parents decided to SUE HONDA because their seat belts could not be easily unbuckled by a drunk driver. How fucking stupid is this family? The daughter drives drunk, so drunk she can't unfasten a seat belt, and also drives INTO GALVESTON BAY. I don't know if you guys have heard of Galveston Bay but ITS A FUCKING BAY FULL OF WATER AND IS HARD NOT TO SEE. Then, her parents decide that even though their daughter made all these decisions herself, the fault actually lies with Honda for making working seat belts. Think about how many lives those same seat belts have saved in other wrecks/accidents. Is this dumb whore's life so much more important than theirs? Answer: No. I'm going to sue people for being fucking stupid and pissing me off.

#32: Chris Kattan

Fuck Chris Kattan and everything he stands for. How this flying sack of cunt got a job on SNL I will never know. His most famous character is a flaming homo named 'Mango' who tries to get celebrities to go gay for him. This is about as funny as jacking off at a funeral (not at all). And Night at The Roxbury? We all know Will Ferrell carried that shit. What a fucking joke. If the somebody really wanted to be funny they should have just filmed whatever Chris Kattan did in his regular life and made it into a movie. Actually no, because that would just end up being really sad. Plus I don't think Roger Ebert would respond well to Chris Kattan doing cocaine and blowing a bunch of dudes in a bathroom in New York. The fact that Chris Farley and John Belushi both died of drug overdoses and Chris Kattan is still alive pretty much proves that there is no God. What does Chris Kattan even do these days? He probably sits in his apartment and cries about how much of a complete and total shit hole his life is. My one wish in this life is that one day Chris Kattan wakes up, realizes how much of a cunt he is, and jumps out of a 10th story window to his death.

#31 Assholes Who Fuck Up Your Pick-up Basketball Game At The Gym

So no shit, there I am, staring at this girl's ass through the window of the gym. Her ass was really nice but I felt sad knowing that her intellectual ceiling was basically that of a goldfish (because she was female). She's on that machine that was basically designed for staring at hot girls' asses, the one where they lay down in Sacajawea position like they're about to get railed from behind but then they start lifting up a 10 pound bar with their legs like that's gonna fucking do anything anyways. Then she finished, and so did I (kidding), and out of the corner of my eye I saw him. He looked vaguely Stalin-ish. As in he was 6-9 with a face that looked like his babushka got into the potato vodka and really went overboard with the belt when little Alexei was back-talking. The next 4 on 4 game was about to start and he muttered something that sounded like it was definitely not English and jumped in with the other team. FUUUUUUUCK I was thinking. I'm sure everyone else was too because no one likes playing with smelly Russians who don't understand English/the concept of dribbling. There are basically 5 types of fuck heads you get while playing basketball and I'm going to break down each and every one of them for you guys.

Goofy Russian Fuck - This guy doesn't know the basic rules or even the concepts of basketball, but he also doesn't understand English which makes it easier for him to ignore the black people yelling at him to stop running 7 or 8 steps with the ball. I don't think I've played basketball with any dirt farming freakishly tall communist fuck that didn't smell worse than Chelsea Handler's pussy. Do they not have deodorant in the motherland? Is 3 dollars to expensive for them to spend on a stick? I will never know, because I don't associate with those motherfuckers.

Black Guy Who Tries Really Fucking Hard But You Can Tell He's Uncoordinated - A very interesting phenomenon. You've got to feel for this guy, if he's black AND un-athletic. What does he talk about with his black friends? Does he have black friends? No one really cares about those questions though, they're too busy asking him "hey Percy III (they always have dumbass names) why the FUCK did you just chuck the basketball three feet over the backboard when you had a wide open layup? And why are you wearing Champion shorts? Real black people only wear Adidas or Nike." Usually this guy just changed out of an argyle sweater and went to the gym after his prep school got out.

Super Thugged Out Black Guy Who Tries To Fight Everyone - This kid is usually decent at basketball but the second anyone fouls him, or blocks his shot, or makes eye contact with him, he tries to fight you. He also calls everyone on and around the court a 'nigga'. It doesn't matter if you're 8 years old and white, or if you're an old lady on an elliptical machine. Nothing ever actually happens though because this kid has probably never been in an real fight.

Fat Kid Who Sweats More Than Kevin Garnett - Fucking disgusting. He is effective in the game, but only because no one wants to get close and possibly contract eczema or diabetes or some shit from this fat fuck. Always always always, and I cannot stress this enough, ALWAYS white trash. Just a little tiny bit of peach fuzz on his face but you know this kid hasn't shaved, or probably even showered, in like 3 weeks. To counteract this tool its best to play full court so that he gets winded in 5 minutes or so.

Weird Ass Old Guy - Can you say registered sex offender? I bet this guy can. In fact, I bet he's gone door to door and said it to everyone in his neighborhood (he is legally required to do that). The good news is that I'm not a 6 year old girl so he poses no threat to me or my virgin asshole. Still though, it is super weird when he says shit like "man up man up!" with a smile and a half chub. If this guy is going to play with you, its best to get him on your team so that he cant body up on you and ask you if his 'cell phone' is making you uncomfortable.

#30: Jason Derulo

God damn it. This guy. He is a real big cunt. Sometimes when I hear one of his "songs" on the radio, it makes me dream. I dream about seeing him on the street, he's just walking down the street, when all of a sudden, BOOM his head is spaghetti because I unloaded a full clip from my AK-47 into the back of his skull. Then, bystanders look at me and they start a slow clap, and the mayor gives me a key to the city. But then I snap back to reality. The reality where Jason Derulo is still alive and making "music". A part of me dies. There's this one song he has, I don't know what its called, I think its something like "I love taking two dicks in my ass simultaneously because I'm Jason Derulo" feat. Nicki Minaj. Anyways, there's a part in the middle where he does a little vocal embellishment, a capella, solo, whatever you want to call it. He proceeds to yelp like a dog that just knocked over an alcoholic's beer and is getting the shit kicked out of it. Somehow he is out of tune! In a song that is literally entirely Auto-Tuned! How does he accomplish this?! I don't understand it. How can you be so bad you fuck up auto tune, yet you still have a record deal? It probably has something to do with the fact that everything with a vagina thinks he is the coolest thing since doing laundry/washing dishes. And by "everything with a vagina" I mean specifically stupid whores between the ages of 12-25. Its like Hitler in Germany back when he was rising to power. Everyone in Germany was already a complete moustache riding fuck head so they all really loved Hitler. Except now, all the girls are complete dick hounds, so they can identify with Jason Derulo since he gobbles more dick than John Mayer has sex with underage girls (a lot, he is a fucking creep). The most annoying thing for me is that when that song came out where he sampled the Imogen Heap song "Hide and Seek". Everyone shit their pants and gave him all kinds of credit for the cool beat and shit. I fuckin listened to that song two years before Jason Decunto came out with his mall rat queer ass version. All he did was speed it up. I could do that right now at my computer. It was so fucking annoying to hear people in high school say that song was so cute and touching and sweet when really it was just a couple generic fucking lines about break ups or some shit and a chorus that, while catchy, had about as much complexity as a Matthew Perry movie (none).
For the sake of argument let's go to his website and see what he has to say for himself...Okay first thing I see is his ear sticking out about 3 feet from his head...Oh! He has a new album out called 'What If'. I don;t know when this came out but I can assure you I don't give a flying fuck. Here's a good quote I found: "Singer, songwriter, dancer, and actor Jason Derulo belongs to a new breed of multi-hyphenate artists who know no creative boundaries." HAHAHAHA its hard to have creative boundaries when your creativeness doesn't exist in the first place. Here's a hyphenate for you Jason: Person who's dad should have shot you on the floor instead of inside your mom-Fucking idiot-Someone who should be kicked in the balls every time he is seen in public-A poor, desperate, slightly retarded man's Chris Brown. I think it has a nice ring to it. Here's an interesting fact from his website: "is the first male solo artist in history to have three singles hit the Top 10 on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart". I think this is a perfect example of why the Billboard Hot 100 is completely a joke and should be taken out to pasture like Old Yeller. I also find that fact hard to believe, but I don't care enough to cross check it. I can't look at this guy's website any longer. Hopefully his career will follow another great singer's path, Sonny Bono's, and he will go skiing, crash into a tree at a high speed, and die of internal bleeding slowly and painfully. But not so painfully that he can't think back on his life and feel remorse at how much of a doucher he's been.

#29: Fuck Heads Who Think Its Cool To Talk About Politics Or Religion

I'm so fucking sick of people who think its "intellectual" to talk about politics or religion. If I had a dollar every time some smug asshole pissed me off by bringing up his opinion on Obama's first term or how there is no God (use that as a conversation starter at the bar, I bet you'll get laid a TON) then I would be able to buy Khloe Kardashian's ass, assuming it still sells for $40,000.00 per pound (that would be $640,000.00 total). You aren't fucking smart, this isn't CNN, and I can guarantee you have no fucking clue what you are talking about. Politics aren't understood by anyone, not even the candidates themselves, so you may as well take your opinion and see if you can wipe your ass with it. Because that's all its worth. And talking religion with someone else is like talking about if life is sustained in any other galaxy except ours, or if Kyron Horman is still alive. Its boring as fuck, and no one should care because there's no way you're going to find out anything everyone doesn't already know. You want my take? As long as I don't have to be a slave and I can go snowboarding twice a week, I could really not care at all what any politician does with laws or taxes or whatever. And as for religion, if Jesus/Allah/Buddah/Whoever the Fuck wants to come shred with me or jam out on the guitar, then sure I'll kick it with he/she/it. But if not, (once again) I really don't give a fuck. And why do you? Is one dumb ass kid's opinion going to change some politician's mind? Nooooooope. Is someone's belief in religion going to make the world a better place? Noooooope. You know what does help things though? ACTUALLY PARTICIPATING IN REAL FUCKING LIFE

#28: Women's Sports

Hey did you guys hear about this? ESPN is running this story actually...This kid who is 15 years old can dunk. Yeah apparently only like 2 or 3 fifteen year olds ever have dunked. Wait you didn't mean 15 year old you meant woman? Well put that story in the file marked "things no one gives a flying fuck about". Seriously, why do people still try to put up the front that anyone anywhere cares about women's sports? Especially the ones that don't involve revealing clothing...It's just stupid. No one watches shark week to see nurse sharks eat 3 inch wide crabs, they watch shark week to see 14 foot great whites rip baby seals in half two miles off the coast of White and Rich -I mean South- Africa. The same way no one wants to see Lisa "Muff Diver" Leslie jump 5 inches off the ground and do a shitty one handed "dunk". People want to see Shawn Kemp get 5 feet off the ground and put his sweaty nutsack directly into Shawn Bradley's face as he breaks the glass. Although I'm sure Shawn Kemp has shoved his cock into some women basketball players' faces as well, but its just not the same. And softball players...dear god. They always have female commentators (horrible idea for any sport, let alone a boring one) on the softball games. Why, when some pudgy Hawaiian bitch hits a home run, do they always freak out and talk about how much power she has? ...The fences are like 220 feet! I hit home runs that far when I was fucking 12. No one put me on TV or gave me a college scholarship for it. Kudos to the Olympics for coming to their senses and getting softball out of there. Its kind of hard to field enough teams anyways when 50% of the countries don't even let their women go out in public without wearing sheets over their faces and pioneer woman dresses. Quick who is the most famous woman in sports? That's right...Erin Andrews. And she doesn't even play any sport. She just happens to like walking around in her hotel room naked and getting filmed while doing it. Don't even try to tell me that whore didn't love the whole thing either. Show me a female sports reporter who doesn't crave male attention and I'll show you a lying slut who probably got a train ran on her by the entire NY Jets (cough Ines Sainz cough), except Rex Ryan who probably hasn't seen his own dick in 30 years cause he is a fat fuck. But don't call me a chauvinist, I'm all for women playing sports. As long as they are physically attractive, it doesn't get in the way of them sucking me off, and no one takes them seriously.

#27: Stupid Shit That People Say To Me

I hate people. So much. So I especially don't like it when dumbasses say stupid shit to my face. I also don't like it when dumbasses say stupid shit on TV, or somewhere not to my face but I still hear about it. I'm just going to run down a list of stupid shit fuck heads have said to me...
"Sorry man I was drunk" (as an excuse for breaking/losing something)
Well MAN I really couldn't give less of a shit if you were drunk, or on heroin, or just plain old retarded, I want my 20$ back. And you better find my fucking phone charger. It's not my fault that you can't hold your liquor/don't know when to stop drinking. Let's put this out there right now: BEING DRUNK IS NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE FOR DOING SOMETHING STUPID. "Oh but you shouldn't be held responsible for your drunk actions because the alcohol affects your judgement bla bla bla" Well it was your fucking idea to drink the shit anyways. So man the fuck up and find my shit fuck face.

"I'm quitting facebook" (as a Facebook status)
This one is pretty god damn cut and dried. If you are quitting facebook, its probably because you say you don't care about it or it gets in the way of your everyday life. So why THE FUCK would you take time and effort to get on a computer and announce the fact that you will not be on facebook anymore? Are you that popular that people will be upset? Hold on, let me answer that question for you. NO. People who do this are human contact whores who can't wait to get fucked in their figurative loose asshole by the horse cock of attention.

"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go" - that whore in Titanic
Hahahahahahaha flash forward 2 minutes later BOOM Jack is a drowning victim.

Some dumb bitch had the nerve to tell me that "that's what she said" is from The Office. Now, I love The Office as much as anyone whos not borderline retarded but "that's what she said" is from Wayne's World. And when I told her she was wrong, she said that she knew for a fact that it came from The Office. So of course I kicked her dead in the ovaries. Because no one wants a dumb whore like that reproducing.

"Having a kid when I was in high school/any younger than 24 was the best thing that ever happened to me"*
Well...You must have had a shitty life before that. Have fun not getting laid and hanging out with an infant all the time. Sounds super awesome to me...NOT
* This also pertains to people who get married before then...I don't care how many times you post a facebook status about how in love you are, unless you're a member of a strict religion, your marriage is going to pull a Flight 93 within 2 years. Unless you never find out about how your wife gets railed on the weekend by a dude named Johann. But then you still lose so it really doesn't matter.

#26: Titanic

The movie, the boat itself, all of it, its all fucking stupid. It happened like 90 years ago. I think its time to let it go. What is so fucking awesome and interesting about a boat that crashed into an iceberg? Is it because it was supposedly "unsinkable"? Fuck, if everyone got this interested every time someone said something retarded and had it later proved wrong, George Lopez would be the most interesting guy in America. But he's not. In fact he is a shit human being and I hope only the worst for him and his life. Thomas Jefferson wrote "all men are created equal" when in reality him and all his friends were beating up negroes like hotcakes, but no one calls him on that shit. No one made a shitty movie (that somehow grossed a ridiculous amount of money, what the fuck America) about it either. So I really don't understand the appeal behind Titanic. Let's run through a little plot synopsis here: Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio)who is obviously really really smart (sarcasm), gambles all the money he has on a fucking poker hand. Then he wins and gets like 20 bucks plus some fag's tickets to get on the Titanic. What a great occurance! Now instead of being poor and broke in one place, he can go be poor and broke in another place. Like America in 1912 didnt have enough fucking immigrants coming in with nothing but the greasy beard on their face. Too bad it wasn't 15 or so years earlier, maybe Jack the Ripper would have been on the boat and killed that fuck head. Anyways, he gets on the boat with his friend "Fabrizio De Rossi" (had to look it up) aka "Mr. Never Had Consensual Intercourse In His Life". There he convinces some whore named Rose not to kill herself by spewing some stupid shit about how he'd have to go jump in after her if she jumped, when we all know there is no way in hell he would so much as call for help. And what the hell did she want to commit suicide for? Her husband is a rich guy who pushes her around sometimes and doesn't love her? Yeah i'd kill myself too...SIKE welcome to being married to a rich guy you dumb whore, he knows he can just kick your shit to the curb and get another hot slut if you start mouthing off so of course he doesn't give a shit about you. Maybe Rose should just be happy that she doesn't have to share a bed made of leaves and mud with rats in the gutter like the rest of London at this point in time. Then 17 hours into the movie Rose gets nailed by Jack in a car and he probably shot his load in like 3 minutes because he is a huge nerd and draws pictures of naked bitches for some reason. Then a little while later the fuck head captain hits an iceberg because his crew is retarded, literally, and can't tell the difference between water and an iceberg the size of Helen Hunt's forehead (estimated to be about 3 miles wide and 5 miles high). Then panic ensues because the unsinkable ship (yeah that didn't invite any bad karma, good call) has like 4 life boats. And surprise surprise, the rich first class people get to use them first. Hey here's an idea people who aren't rich and in first class...Have a rich dad or do something lucrative with your life so that things like this won't happen to you. Its called Darwinism and its how the world works. Still, Rose would rather bang old Jack "Picasso with Multiple Sclerosis" Dawson. So she goes and gets him and they jump into the water while the band plays. Which is so honorable of them, I bet they were glad they did that as they sank into the freezing ocean water like 5 minutes later. Then (this is my favorite part of the movie) Jack is 90% submerged into the water while Rose is taking a little catnap or some shit completely out of the water on a door that could easily have supported both of them. Typical woman. And then Jack says something like "you were my first Rose I loveyou so much help meeeeeee" and Rose is all "Fuck off" and then Jack drowns. HA! What a cold hearted bitch right? But thats what you get when you go around plowing people who are already engaged right Jacky boy? Oh and then the end when the old bitch who was telling the story finds the necklace or whatever, but she's still sad, cause Jack went all Natalie Wood on her? Let's think though, would her life have been better if she fucking went off and married some starving artist she'd known for like 3 days? No. Because I'm sure she'd just get tired of that and go fuck some street vendor and marry him like 6 months later. Or Jack would turn out (surprise!) to also be an alcoholic asshole who beats the shit out of women. What a stupid fucking movie

#25: Growing Up

People ask me, "Why are you so angry?" "Why do you have to be negative all the time?" "If you could rail a famous chick who would it be?" To which i respond, "Fuck off, and it would be between Anna Faris and Anne Hathaway. Because Anna Faris is ridiculously hot but at the same time it seems like Anne Hathaway would be a straight up freak and down for some wacky shit. So I can't really decide between those two but I know its one of them." But really I'm negative all the time because the world bums me out. Every year shit gets more and more lame. And I'm not sure if its been like this since I was born, and as I got older I noticed it more, or if the world has been progressively getting worse as I get older. Or maybe I have a terrible nostalgia complex. Who the fuck knows. When I was little, you know what I worried about? My little league game on Friday. I worried that the lunch ladies would fuck me over and give me the corner piece when it was cheese zombie day. I worried that I wouldn't get home before 4 o'clock because pokemon (the original one not the new one with like 567 new kinds of pokemon and no Brock or Misty) was on at 4. I worried about being able to scrape up 60 dollars to buy a Gameboy. I worried that if I talked to certain girls, the other kids would TOTALLY THINK I HAD A CRUSH ON HER AND MAKE FUN OF ME FOREVER AHHHHHHHH!!!! And you know what I worry about now? I worry that my arteries are slowly but surely congealing like Cher's face and its only a matter of time before I have a massive heart attack because all i can afford to eat is shitty fast food every fucking day. I worry about who I'm going to snowboard with because everyone else goes to school/doesn't give a shit about snowboarding any more. I worry about whether I should get a loan and go back to school to get a job that doesn't suck. Then I wonder if its worth it to spend all that time when I have no idea what the fuck I would want to do anyways. I worry if there are any girls i can actually have a legitimate conversation with that doesn't involve getting drunk and/or how much they hate their ex. And I gotta say, its kind of harshing my mellow, if you know what I mean. Even the music now bums me out. You remember those "Now That's What I Call Music" CD's (does anyone even buy CD's anymore?)? I had the 2nd one, the 4th one, and i think the 8th one. They had stuff like Sum 41, Blink-182, No Doubt, The Black Eyed Peas (before they started dropping E or something and instead of making music, it sounds like they fell asleep on a drum machine and a synthesizer at the same time and then woke up and said hey...if we repeat ourselves 125 times over this and auto tune the fuck out of it then that would be a smash hit![unfortunately they were right, god the public is stupid]) even that stuff like Shaggy and Britney Spears i could get into for a little bit. But now we're at Now 76 or some bullshit like that, and they have shit like Justin Bieber and Ne-Yo and Akon. Even Ludacris appeared on a fucking Justin Bieber song for Christ's sake. What the fuck is going on? People used to wear baggy jeans and flannels with the sleeves ripped off and backwards trucker hats, now they wear turquoise skinny jeans and those gay ass sunglasses with the bars across them that look like window shades, honestly, could you look any stupider? Nice sack constrictors dude do those come with a zucchini? Fuck. They remade The Karate Kid! Star Wars is now a cartoon on Cartoon Network! Britney Spears got knocked up and was fat! Eminem put out Relapse (thank god he redeemed himself with recovery)! They didn't stop at American Pie 2 and made like 13 more that were stupider than Courtney Love's disgusting fat ass. Nintendo doesn't make N64's. They make Wii's. That sums it up right there. If you don't understand that analogy then you either have no soul or you're a geriatric fuck. I'm just happy its shred season so I can escape to the mountain and butter a few muffins (90s slang get with it).