#37: People Who Can't Fucking Spell Or Use Correct Grammar To Save Their God Damn Lives

Holy SHIT where do I even begin. It's like the plague in London way back in the day, except people aren't dying they are just pissing me the fuck off with their shit grammar. Even the word grammar gives people trouble, its like 50/50 whether someone spells it right or spells it 'grammer'. I don't really mind if it's in a text message or something unimportant. But in emo facebook statuses and school papers and shit like that where people obviously have thought about every word they wrote down, I still see more fuck-ups than an episode of Maury. I'm going to go on facebook right now actually, and take some examples of people I know. Hopefully one of them reads this and gets embarrassed so much it encourages them not to suck at their native fucking language that they have spoken since, well, since THEY LEARNED HOW TO FUCKING SPEAK (keep in mind that this is meant to be humorous, don't hate me just because I call out your shit grammar).

"Jameson, its definatly NOT a personal problem." Its definitely NOT spelled like that. What is the word definitely derived from? I'm not sure the complete etymology but it would appear to come from the word DEFINITE. So how did that little "ly" on the end trick you into thinking that an 'a' also snuck in there? I don't fucking know. The word doesn't even fucking sound like it has an 'a' in it. Christ.

"i think it's time i payed more attention to my piano again." First of all, congrats on putting the period at the end. You were concerned about that but you didn't decide to capitalize the first word. Interesting. Also, payed is the word people use when they are speaking English as a second language. Yes, technically it is correct but it looks weird and your name isn't Juan so just use paid instead.

"You take my breath away, your a supernova :)" Oh boy. This one takes me back to #16...I don't give a fuck if it is an Eminem song, its not a good one. Anyways, this brings me to a crucial point in the lecture i.e., which type of "your" to use. In this case, it would be "you're". You are. It's a contraction. See what they did there? Really not that hard. And while we're on the subject, let's talk about they're/their/there. I don't understand how someone can fuck that up.
They're = They are, as in: I hate people on facebook, THEY'RE so fucking horrible at grammar.
Their = Possession, as in: If they don't cut that shit out I'm going to shove THEIR heads so far up THEIR assholes that they will be tasting THEIR own colon.
There = Where something is, as in: Look over THERE, that guy is getting punched repeatedly in the cock for not knowing which word to use.
It really is that simple!

Another super fun thing people do is to put apostrophes where they don't fucking belong. In fact, I've seen people write out the word apostrophes WITH an apostrophe! How awesome! Example sentences:
-I bought so many black dildo's at the porn shop today!
-I love a good reaming in every last one of my hole's ;)
-Hehe, I love putting hearts instead of actual apostrophe's when I write letters to my boyfriend who is in orchestra and has a 3 inch penis :p

Hoo boy. Those apostrophes (note the lack of an actual apostrophe) are more unwelcome than a mexican in Arizona! Plurals do not, I repeat, DO NOT warrant apostrophes. UNLESS, the word ends in 's'. I am no English professor, but I am pretty sure apostrophe does NOT end in 's'! Here's an easy way to check if you're unsure.
Step 1: Hope your mom didn't consume mass quantities of alcohol when you were in the womb.
Step 2: In case step 1 (see previous) is not possible, look at the last letter of the word. Is this letter an 's'? If so, then you should probably put that little old apostrophe riiight there on the end. If not, congratulations! You can now put an 's' on the end (without an apostrophe now! careful!), making it plural.