#48: Applebee's

Eatin good in the neighborhood my ass. The slogan should be "eating shit that the cook half assed and either burned or got hair on, in the fucking strip mall nowhere near anyone's neighborhood". I went to Applebee's the other night for the first time in a while and it was a complete fucking shit show.

6:20 pm: I walk in the door and get greeted (read: grunted at) by some creature who was probably female and definitely balding. Note to Applebee's greeters everywhere: those fucking snowbanks on your shoulders do not work up people's appetites. Unless you're going for the "if they puke now they'll eat more later" approach. Jesus Christ "Barb" have you ever heard of Head and Shoulders? Or hygeine in general? Judging by your cigarette stained fungi infested teeth I doubt it.

6:21 pm: I sit in the most uncomfortable fucking waiting area ever. Why the hell are these things even there? Its time for the dinner rush and its like the fucking titanic out here cause everyone wants to sit but there's only enough room for like 10% of the people. Sorry Grandma Rose, you aren't part of my family and I'm fucking tired of standing too, so no way in hell am I getting up for your wrinkly old ass. You should be at Old Country Buffet anyways.

6:30 pm: After a wait that seemed like 4 days because the kid next to me is fucking crying like Brett Favre during his yearly retirement announcement, we are led by "Jessica" to a booth next to a shit ton of sports memorabilia. By the way, congrats Applebee's on getting that Cortez Kennedy jersey thats not even fucking autographed, I can really feel the history emanating from it.

6:43 pm: "Jessica" comes over and asks if we are ready to order. Yes "Jessica", we are. In fact, we also solved the South Korea-North Korea conflict and discussed in detail each track on The Who's concept album 'Tommy'. "Jessica" will now be referred to as Stupid Wench for the remainder of the post (because she reminds me of the chick from Burgerville in #4). I ordered a steak because I'm a man and nothing pleases me more than knowing that some cow got beaten and forced to watch really scary movies and shit just so it would be that much more tasty when I eat an 8 ounce portion of its body. I also didn't order a drink and just got water. Because I'm cheap? Sure. Call me crazy but I don't want to pay 3 dollars for 34 ice cubes and a shot of Coca Cola. I could also go off on a tangent about milk being expensive but that is for another time when IHOP starts to piss me off.

7:24 pm: Here comes Stupid Wench with our shit, great. It only took about 40 fucking minutes. That'll teach us not to order "apps". Wait a second, we did order appetizers, and that's what she's bringing out! It was all so long ago I can't even remember what I fucking ordered. MMM 4 cheese sticks. I'm glad I paid 8 fucking dollars for them because each cheese stick is definitely worth 2 dollars. No, wait a second, these are the frozen ones I can buy in packs of 60 for 5 dollars. Sweet!

7:34 pm: 50 minutes later, here it is. The steak that has been cooked to perfection*1. The baked potato smothered*2 in butter and bacon. The green beans slathered in sauce and cooked beautifully*3.

*1-by perfection I mean there is a crust of black encompassing 95% of the outside of the steak. Yet somehow the inside still has a pulse.

*2-smothered in this instance means that there is a 2cm wide slice of butter on the side and 4 bacon bits on the actual potato. The potato itself looks like a normal baked potato, not even Applebee's could fuck that up.

*3-none of this is true except the fact that the beans are a shade of green and I'm sure that technically, cooked is the correct term for what they did to them.

7:50 pm: We are done eating. Stupid Wench is nowhere to be found. You would think after shortchanging us on literally everything they serve, Applebee's would be eager to take our hard earned money and put it towards the CEO's dick enhancement surgery or some shit. But no, Stupid Wench is probably in the bathroom wringing a tampon into someone's raspberry iced tea.

8:01 pm: Stupid Wench shows up with a belly full of poop, or so I assume, because she has the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen. She gives us the check and walks away, probably laughing because she just set her PR for shittiest service.

8:04 pm: I take a shit in the Applebee's bathroom. Not in the toilet, just in the bathroom. There's no place like the neighborhood, right Applebee's? You fucks.