So no shit, there I am, staring at this girl's ass through the window of the gym. Her ass was really nice but I felt sad knowing that her intellectual ceiling was basically that of a goldfish (because she was female). She's on that machine that was basically designed for staring at hot girls' asses, the one where they lay down in Sacajawea position like they're about to get railed from behind but then they start lifting up a 10 pound bar with their legs like that's gonna fucking do anything anyways. Then she finished, and so did I (kidding), and out of the corner of my eye I saw him. He looked vaguely Stalin-ish. As in he was 6-9 with a face that looked like his babushka got into the potato vodka and really went overboard with the belt when little Alexei was back-talking. The next 4 on 4 game was about to start and he muttered something that sounded like it was definitely not English and jumped in with the other team. FUUUUUUUCK I was thinking. I'm sure everyone else was too because no one likes playing with smelly Russians who don't understand English/the concept of dribbling. There are basically 5 types of fuck heads you get while playing basketball and I'm going to break down each and every one of them for you guys.
Goofy Russian Fuck - This guy doesn't know the basic rules or even the concepts of basketball, but he also doesn't understand English which makes it easier for him to ignore the black people yelling at him to stop running 7 or 8 steps with the ball. I don't think I've played basketball with any dirt farming freakishly tall communist fuck that didn't smell worse than Chelsea Handler's pussy. Do they not have deodorant in the motherland? Is 3 dollars to expensive for them to spend on a stick? I will never know, because I don't associate with those motherfuckers.
Black Guy Who Tries Really Fucking Hard But You Can Tell He's Uncoordinated - A very interesting phenomenon. You've got to feel for this guy, if he's black AND un-athletic. What does he talk about with his black friends? Does he have black friends? No one really cares about those questions though, they're too busy asking him "hey Percy III (they always have dumbass names) why the FUCK did you just chuck the basketball three feet over the backboard when you had a wide open layup? And why are you wearing Champion shorts? Real black people only wear Adidas or Nike." Usually this guy just changed out of an argyle sweater and went to the gym after his prep school got out.
Super Thugged Out Black Guy Who Tries To Fight Everyone - This kid is usually decent at basketball but the second anyone fouls him, or blocks his shot, or makes eye contact with him, he tries to fight you. He also calls everyone on and around the court a 'nigga'. It doesn't matter if you're 8 years old and white, or if you're an old lady on an elliptical machine. Nothing ever actually happens though because this kid has probably never been in an real fight.
Goofy Russian Fuck - This guy doesn't know the basic rules or even the concepts of basketball, but he also doesn't understand English which makes it easier for him to ignore the black people yelling at him to stop running 7 or 8 steps with the ball. I don't think I've played basketball with any dirt farming freakishly tall communist fuck that didn't smell worse than Chelsea Handler's pussy. Do they not have deodorant in the motherland? Is 3 dollars to expensive for them to spend on a stick? I will never know, because I don't associate with those motherfuckers.
Black Guy Who Tries Really Fucking Hard But You Can Tell He's Uncoordinated - A very interesting phenomenon. You've got to feel for this guy, if he's black AND un-athletic. What does he talk about with his black friends? Does he have black friends? No one really cares about those questions though, they're too busy asking him "hey Percy III (they always have dumbass names) why the FUCK did you just chuck the basketball three feet over the backboard when you had a wide open layup? And why are you wearing Champion shorts? Real black people only wear Adidas or Nike." Usually this guy just changed out of an argyle sweater and went to the gym after his prep school got out.
Super Thugged Out Black Guy Who Tries To Fight Everyone - This kid is usually decent at basketball but the second anyone fouls him, or blocks his shot, or makes eye contact with him, he tries to fight you. He also calls everyone on and around the court a 'nigga'. It doesn't matter if you're 8 years old and white, or if you're an old lady on an elliptical machine. Nothing ever actually happens though because this kid has probably never been in an real fight.
Fat Kid Who Sweats More Than Kevin Garnett - Fucking disgusting. He is effective in the game, but only because no one wants to get close and possibly contract eczema or diabetes or some shit from this fat fuck. Always always always, and I cannot stress this enough, ALWAYS white trash. Just a little tiny bit of peach fuzz on his face but you know this kid hasn't shaved, or probably even showered, in like 3 weeks. To counteract this tool its best to play full court so that he gets winded in 5 minutes or so.
Weird Ass Old Guy - Can you say registered sex offender? I bet this guy can. In fact, I bet he's gone door to door and said it to everyone in his neighborhood (he is legally required to do that). The good news is that I'm not a 6 year old girl so he poses no threat to me or my virgin asshole. Still though, it is super weird when he says shit like "man up man up!" with a smile and a half chub. If this guy is going to play with you, its best to get him on your team so that he cant body up on you and ask you if his 'cell phone' is making you uncomfortable.
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