#40: Foreign Assholes Who Complain That American Football Is Gayer Than Rugby, Or That Soccer Is The Coolest Sport Ever

Its not just weird looking foreign smelly people either. Sometimes you get that preppy dumbass kid who played soccer in high school and thinks that somehow makes him fucking Cristiano Ronaldo or some shit. Yeah cool dude, you wear Nike turtlenecks to school. That puts you on the same level as the spider that lives outside my house (see #14 for clarification). Let's talk about soccer first. Sometimes, the World Cup is cool. It was awesome when that old bald guy who looked like he belonged in the cold war interrogating English spies headbutted the piss out of that Italian fairy who looked like he should be wringing his hair out into a frying pan and cooking bacon in it. I will also admit that it was cool when they went into a shootout and Italy won. However, that was the one game out of every single fucking soccer game I have watched since I was born that I can actually say I enjoyed watching. 2008's world cup was kind of blurry for me since although I stayed up all night playing drinking games and waiting for the Uganda vs. Kunta Kinte game, the game itself bored me to sleep within 5 minutes. I slept through the entire first day, actually. Then I lost interest and didn't care about the rest of the games. I also didn't see the allegedly super exciting game where the US scored at the last minute to advance or whatever. I did, however, watch the 30 seconds of the game that actually were worth watching on Sportscenter at ten am the next day. Which is exactly why soccer is fucking stupid. Sure its cool for like 30 seconds in a highlight reel, but so is fucking rollerblading. My theory is that all those foreign fucks in AIDSfrica and South "Poorer and More Violent Than North" America have nothing better to do in their little mud hut towns and their cocaine plantations than to kick around a little ball. Or in Africa's case, kicking around whoever died that week's decaying head. Let's face it, there's no money for soccer balls when mosquitoes and a disease that came from (allegedly) someone fucking a monkey are draining your country of resources faster than Kevin Federline drained Britney Spears of dignity. Soccer in America is basically like Lacrosse. Everyone who plays it is a fucking asshole douche because they know their sport will never get as much media attention as, say, women's bowling (hahahahaha). Now, on to the football/rugby dilemma...The thing that everyone keeps coming back to is that football players wear pads and rugby players don't, making rugby players tougher. Fantastic! Rubgy players are also borderline retarded at the end of their career because they've taken more shots to the dome than the Kennedy family. Rugby players also get paid less. They do it for the love of the game! Oooooohhhhh. Stop fucking romanticizing shit. 99% of them are in it for the money too. If the owner of the rugby team said "hey guys sorry but we can't afford to pay you anything" they wouldn't say "we don't care coach we LOVE the game!". They would say "oi fuck you then, piss off". So, lets examine. Football players get paid a ridiculous amount more money and they don't get hurt as much. Gosh they sound like a bunch of idiots!!!! I can't believe they don't play rugby! Fucking pussies (in case you didn't notice, the sarcasm in that last sentence was dripping like a high school girl at a Kings of Leon concert).