#30: Jason Derulo

God damn it. This guy. He is a real big cunt. Sometimes when I hear one of his "songs" on the radio, it makes me dream. I dream about seeing him on the street, he's just walking down the street, when all of a sudden, BOOM his head is spaghetti because I unloaded a full clip from my AK-47 into the back of his skull. Then, bystanders look at me and they start a slow clap, and the mayor gives me a key to the city. But then I snap back to reality. The reality where Jason Derulo is still alive and making "music". A part of me dies. There's this one song he has, I don't know what its called, I think its something like "I love taking two dicks in my ass simultaneously because I'm Jason Derulo" feat. Nicki Minaj. Anyways, there's a part in the middle where he does a little vocal embellishment, a capella, solo, whatever you want to call it. He proceeds to yelp like a dog that just knocked over an alcoholic's beer and is getting the shit kicked out of it. Somehow he is out of tune! In a song that is literally entirely Auto-Tuned! How does he accomplish this?! I don't understand it. How can you be so bad you fuck up auto tune, yet you still have a record deal? It probably has something to do with the fact that everything with a vagina thinks he is the coolest thing since doing laundry/washing dishes. And by "everything with a vagina" I mean specifically stupid whores between the ages of 12-25. Its like Hitler in Germany back when he was rising to power. Everyone in Germany was already a complete moustache riding fuck head so they all really loved Hitler. Except now, all the girls are complete dick hounds, so they can identify with Jason Derulo since he gobbles more dick than John Mayer has sex with underage girls (a lot, he is a fucking creep). The most annoying thing for me is that when that song came out where he sampled the Imogen Heap song "Hide and Seek". Everyone shit their pants and gave him all kinds of credit for the cool beat and shit. I fuckin listened to that song two years before Jason Decunto came out with his mall rat queer ass version. All he did was speed it up. I could do that right now at my computer. It was so fucking annoying to hear people in high school say that song was so cute and touching and sweet when really it was just a couple generic fucking lines about break ups or some shit and a chorus that, while catchy, had about as much complexity as a Matthew Perry movie (none).
For the sake of argument let's go to his website and see what he has to say for himself...Okay first thing I see is his ear sticking out about 3 feet from his head...Oh! He has a new album out called 'What If'. I don;t know when this came out but I can assure you I don't give a flying fuck. Here's a good quote I found: "Singer, songwriter, dancer, and actor Jason Derulo belongs to a new breed of multi-hyphenate artists who know no creative boundaries." HAHAHAHA its hard to have creative boundaries when your creativeness doesn't exist in the first place. Here's a hyphenate for you Jason: Person who's dad should have shot you on the floor instead of inside your mom-Fucking idiot-Someone who should be kicked in the balls every time he is seen in public-A poor, desperate, slightly retarded man's Chris Brown. I think it has a nice ring to it. Here's an interesting fact from his website: "is the first male solo artist in history to have three singles hit the Top 10 on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart". I think this is a perfect example of why the Billboard Hot 100 is completely a joke and should be taken out to pasture like Old Yeller. I also find that fact hard to believe, but I don't care enough to cross check it. I can't look at this guy's website any longer. Hopefully his career will follow another great singer's path, Sonny Bono's, and he will go skiing, crash into a tree at a high speed, and die of internal bleeding slowly and painfully. But not so painfully that he can't think back on his life and feel remorse at how much of a doucher he's been.