Fucking Peach. Yeah smooth move getting those three green koopa shells right before that big jump in Wario's dirt track. I also like how your stupid whore princess brain made you shoot them all at such an angle that they (ALL FUCKING THREE OF THEM) bounce back and forth in front of the jump. One of them is bound to hit me! Sure enough, one of them did. Right as that dago fuck head Luigi drove past me, laughing because he picked up a star, and ran through the koopa shells like Tony Siragusa through a post game spread. Of course I don't have enough fucking speed to clear that god damn jump and have to deal with being half a fucking lap behind. No star cup for me! FUCK. I actually like that track though. The one that sucks is the one with all the fucking traffic and I think its on a bridge? Anyways, whose fucking bright idea was it to have a go-kart race on a freeway? And why is the freeway one way? I always get ran over by some fucking asshole in a semi truck and then ever so gently float back to earth while I fight the urge to chuck my controller into the fucking wall. 9 times out of 10 I will lose to whoever I'm playing by like 40 seconds on that track. Fuck that noise. I'd rather jump off the side of rainbow road. Speaking of rainbow road, I love jumping right before that big huge drop at the beginning. What I don't like is when Bowser decides to be King of the Fuck Heads and drive right under me so that I land on him and wipe out. I don't care if I am Toad, if a fucking go-kart lands on a turtle he should eat shit too. That's just simple physics. Another thing that makes me want to throw a few infants into a woodchipper is when I miss the shortcut on the beach track. If you don't know which shortcut I'm talking about, then I want you to find your childhood and dispose of it because obviously it wasn't worth shit. It's just a simple yellow ramp with red arrows! I don't get how I can think I'm lined up perfectly and then just fucking plow into the side of the rocks like they're your mom. That ramp is cursed. SO are those fucking dick penguins that jump out in front of you. What kind of sick asshole jumps headfirst in front of speeding go-karts? Do they not realize that if I fall in the water I will freeze and somebody's gonna have to pull me out with a fishing pole? That shit isn't fun! Plus it usually puts me in like 7th place. So thanks penguins, for nothing. They probably like to hang out with those doucher snowmen that live in the snow level. Mario raceway...Now there's a classy place. Of course Luigi has to fucking copy his brother and build one similar to it. Mario and Luigi remind me of Peyton and Eli Manning. I bet Mario is always like "hey Luigi remember when they called the video game MARIO kart and not LUIGI kart. Hahahaha faggot!!!!". And then Luigi probably goes off and whines to their dad. Last but not least, Yoshi's track...Who in their right mind wants to drive though that shit hole? It's like racing in some poor fucking African country. Real smart, too, with the sections that are like 3 feet wide with 200 foot cliffs on the side. Yeah I'm sure no one has died from falling down those. SIKE Yoshi is one sick freak. If I'm losing really bad, I always get a kick out of just waiting somewhere for Yoshi and then Lee Harvey Oswalding (yeah I made him a verb) his ass with one of those homing koopa shells. No one can get away from that shit. Especially the blue ones, those will fuck your shit up if you're in the lead. I also enjoy:
-Getting quad bananas and then deploying them right behind the ? boxes so that someone won't see them until ITS TOO LATE HAHAHAHA FUCKING SPUN YOU OUT BITCH.
-Getting a star and plowing the shit out of people like I'm Ray J and they're Kim Kardashian
-Being Bowser and starting in the back of Toad or some puny fuck and just absolutely smashing their face into the steering wheel when I get a boost
-Shooting koopa shells at people right before the turns at Bowser's castle so they fall into the lava like dipshits
-Winning the Star Cup and going balls deep in Princess Peach later that night after slamming Jagerbombs at the afterparty
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