#25: Growing Up

People ask me, "Why are you so angry?" "Why do you have to be negative all the time?" "If you could rail a famous chick who would it be?" To which i respond, "Fuck off, and it would be between Anna Faris and Anne Hathaway. Because Anna Faris is ridiculously hot but at the same time it seems like Anne Hathaway would be a straight up freak and down for some wacky shit. So I can't really decide between those two but I know its one of them." But really I'm negative all the time because the world bums me out. Every year shit gets more and more lame. And I'm not sure if its been like this since I was born, and as I got older I noticed it more, or if the world has been progressively getting worse as I get older. Or maybe I have a terrible nostalgia complex. Who the fuck knows. When I was little, you know what I worried about? My little league game on Friday. I worried that the lunch ladies would fuck me over and give me the corner piece when it was cheese zombie day. I worried that I wouldn't get home before 4 o'clock because pokemon (the original one not the new one with like 567 new kinds of pokemon and no Brock or Misty) was on at 4. I worried about being able to scrape up 60 dollars to buy a Gameboy. I worried that if I talked to certain girls, the other kids would TOTALLY THINK I HAD A CRUSH ON HER AND MAKE FUN OF ME FOREVER AHHHHHHHH!!!! And you know what I worry about now? I worry that my arteries are slowly but surely congealing like Cher's face and its only a matter of time before I have a massive heart attack because all i can afford to eat is shitty fast food every fucking day. I worry about who I'm going to snowboard with because everyone else goes to school/doesn't give a shit about snowboarding any more. I worry about whether I should get a loan and go back to school to get a job that doesn't suck. Then I wonder if its worth it to spend all that time when I have no idea what the fuck I would want to do anyways. I worry if there are any girls i can actually have a legitimate conversation with that doesn't involve getting drunk and/or how much they hate their ex. And I gotta say, its kind of harshing my mellow, if you know what I mean. Even the music now bums me out. You remember those "Now That's What I Call Music" CD's (does anyone even buy CD's anymore?)? I had the 2nd one, the 4th one, and i think the 8th one. They had stuff like Sum 41, Blink-182, No Doubt, The Black Eyed Peas (before they started dropping E or something and instead of making music, it sounds like they fell asleep on a drum machine and a synthesizer at the same time and then woke up and said hey...if we repeat ourselves 125 times over this and auto tune the fuck out of it then that would be a smash hit![unfortunately they were right, god the public is stupid]) even that stuff like Shaggy and Britney Spears i could get into for a little bit. But now we're at Now 76 or some bullshit like that, and they have shit like Justin Bieber and Ne-Yo and Akon. Even Ludacris appeared on a fucking Justin Bieber song for Christ's sake. What the fuck is going on? People used to wear baggy jeans and flannels with the sleeves ripped off and backwards trucker hats, now they wear turquoise skinny jeans and those gay ass sunglasses with the bars across them that look like window shades, honestly, could you look any stupider? Nice sack constrictors dude do those come with a zucchini? Fuck. They remade The Karate Kid! Star Wars is now a cartoon on Cartoon Network! Britney Spears got knocked up and was fat! Eminem put out Relapse (thank god he redeemed himself with recovery)! They didn't stop at American Pie 2 and made like 13 more that were stupider than Courtney Love's disgusting fat ass. Nintendo doesn't make N64's. They make Wii's. That sums it up right there. If you don't understand that analogy then you either have no soul or you're a geriatric fuck. I'm just happy its shred season so I can escape to the mountain and butter a few muffins (90s slang get with it).