Why not. If Charlie Brown can have a Thanksgiving special then fuck you, so can I. Speaking of a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, wtf Peppermint Patty? Were you on your period that day or what? Did Marcy not eat you out that morning? Why was she being such a thundercunt to Chuck? All he did was make popcorn and candy for thanksgiving. So the fuck what. I can't wait for Charlie Brown to fucking snap and murder all of his friends...What if he killed Lucy with a football, talk about poetic justice. This is really fucked up to say, but I bet he would rape-murder the little red-haired girl. He'd be all "Do you want to fucking eat lunch with me on the bench now you stuck up bitch?!?!" and then boom he's got her by the hair and he's just destroying her snatch. There's a few sentences I bet you never thought you'd read! Anywho, lets go ahead and fall back on a tried and true method: listing the things that suck ass about Thanksgiving.
1. Talking to family members you don't recognize/know
Who hasn't been sitting there at the table when some old lady walks up and start talking your ear off without even introducing herself. Look, great aunt Edna, I know we are technically blood related but you live in fucking New Hampshire and I haven't seen you since I was 2 years old. An introduction or even a "do you remember me?" never hurt anyone. Time to swallow your pride like that multi vitamin you take before bed and realize that I don't really know you at all.
2. Feeling bad about destroying someone's toilet after you eat all their food
This one happened to me today...Christ, I don't what it is, but mashed potatoes and stuffing turn my asshole into fucking Vesuvius. Watch out little Pompeiians(?) cause here comes the cranberry sauce. I felt bad for whoever was going in next cause it was a fucking natural disaster in there. Unless it was a little kid, which leads me to...
3. Little kids that annoy the shit out of you
Does no one in my family care about the upbringing of their children? Or did I miss the part where it was okay for some little kid to fucking sprint laps around the table like he's Prefontaine or some shit. Yeah congrats on spilling the paper plate of macaroni and cheese your mom got you because you are a picky little shit and won't eat anything else. Meanwhile, the dog is eating it and is gonna puke it up in about 10 minutes because your stupid kid is more concerned about his fucking Nintendo DS getting cheese sauce on it than my fucking house being clean.
4. The Itis
Oh Dave. Dave Chappelle is so right about the Itis...It'll get you. I seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel like 4 times on the way home. I can see the interrogation now...
Cop: Why'd you plow into that stopped minivan of church kids?
Me: I had the Itis! I couldn't help it. So much Turkey...THE TURKEYYYYYY
Cop: Alright buddy. Hope your asshole likes dark meat, cause you're going to prison.
Haha did you guys catch that? I'm so fucking proud of myself for getting a turkey/dark meat-prison rape joke in there. Anyways, thats all of my list. It would probably be longer if my last name was Redcorn or some shit but sorry Indians, we took this shit from you fair and square. Get over it. And leave our sports team names alone.
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