Friday, September 30, 2011
#106: Gresham
Gresham is a horrific shit hole of evil and repulsiveness located just east of Portland. If you have read every single one of these blogs then a) I'm extremely surprised and b) you know that I hate Portlanders. Portland as a city itself is ok. But Gresham is...there really aren't any words to describe it. Well "meth central" would work, as would "gang shootings are common here". Oh sure, there are random pockets of rich people's houses, but for the most part its just projects and duplexes with broken down Fords on the lawn. It was named after a postmaster general named Walter Q. Gresham who was actually kind of a bad ass. However, he died from stab wounds while trying to arrest a lawbreaker, laying the foundation for Gresham as it exists today. AKA a place where the majority of residents are criminals and overall shitty people. Let me tell you a story that sums up Gresham. Once upon a time I was driving to the mountain (duh) and I had to go through the sea of fuck that is Gresham because its the fastest way. I was driving past the bustling town square which consisted of 2 nail salons, a Little Caeser's, and the crown jewel, Chevron. I noticed that there were a shit ton of police cars with sirens on in the parking lot to my left. "Some tweaker probably killed a bunch of people," I said to my friend in the passenger seat not having any clue what was going on. Then we kept going, and the incident was forgotten until I got home later that evening and saw on the news that a dude had done a shit ton of meth, killed his wife, and literally ran naked down the street shooting his gun at random people about 20 minutes before I drove past! Neat. (I tried to find the actual news story but there are a shit ton of things like this that happen in Gresham and this particular one was like 2 years ago so I couldn't find it on Google) If you feel inclined, type in "Gresham Meth arrest" on google and see how many different stories there are. It's a lot! The city's unofficial nickname is Greshamphetamine. The reason its not an official nickname is because Gresham's city officials are too busy being crooked and not arresting gang members and wiping their ass with dirty 100 dollar bills covered in coke residue. That last part I don't know about. 75% sure though. I don't know which there are more of, dirty greasy russians who smoke like its 1945 and think that their entire immediate family is a "gang" that yells stupid shit at people, or hispanics (read:cholos) who smoke weed openly on the street and are actually in gangs. Showing up less frequently but still quite numerous are the lovable black people who wear sweatsuits and Lugz and who feel the need to make their voice be the loudest sound wherever they go, including intersections and Arby's bathrooms. Where are the white people you ask? Don't worry, they are in their basements/garages/barns cooking up a fresh batch of meth! This wonderful cornucopia of people is complimented beautifully with the city's architecture, the theme of which appears to be Shit In Your Own Front Yard And Never Have All Your Windows Intact. Every once in a while I'll see a normal looking person and I just feel so sorry for them. It's probably like being a little herbivore dinosaur in the late Jurrasic surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Velociraptors and T-Rexes, only the Velociraptors have handguns in their sagging Dickies shorts and the T-Rexes shout obscenities at the top of their lungs while riding bikes with spinner rims and 4 foot high handlebars. Oh and every other week or so there are werewolves with rat tails and scraggly beards that come out of the ground, but not normal werewolves, werewolves on meth with crazy amphetamine strength. That's Gresham.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
#105: MTV Made Episode. 38 Snowboarder Ashley
Let me begin by saying I don't watch Made ever, because its fucking retarded and the people on it are fucking retarded. But, one time I noticed they were doing a snowboarding episode. So, against my better judgement, I watched it. The intro alone was fucking horrific, with some cunt doing a voiceover saying shit like "Ever since Ashley moved from California to Wisconsin, her social life has been OVER" and "she's going to be made into a super shredding snowboarder". So already MTV is turning this into a dumb cunt therapy session that really has nothing to do with snowboarding. Just to give you an idea of what a stupid fucking whore this Ashley girl is, she works at a hotel and some people came in with a bunch of bags and asked her to help them get them upstairs and her response was "Are you for real?" Like asking the hotel employee to help you with your luggage is the most condescending asshole shit you could ever do. So that's what we are working with here.
Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:
YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.
Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.
To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.
Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)
Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:
YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.
Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.
To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.
Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
#104: KFC's Retarded Commercial
We've all seen this commercial. Well unless you're poor or lame and don't have a TV, in which case you can see it here. First it shows some fuck head looking at a chicken nugget like its his girlfriend's clit or something and it confuses/frightens him while some other fuck head voiceover cunt says "what part of the chicken is nugget?"(side note I have never seen 'popcorn' on a chicken either KFC). Then the voiceover asshole says "at KFC our cooks don't make nuggets. They make POPCORN CHICKEN" sounding like the most smug asshole ever, as if popcorn chicken were the farthest thing in the world from being a disgusting and foul chicken nugget. Then it cuts to a scene of a couple minorities making what looks to me like a huge tray a chicken nuggets. Then the smug fucking voiceover douche is like "how does popcorn chicken compare to nuggets" and some fucking weirdo with the creepiest face ever pops up and goes "IT DOESN'T". Which is sort of correct, because popcorn chicken and chicken nuggets are pretty much the same fucking thing. Then creeper guy goes "our cooks don't make nuggets" sounding like Allen Iverson talking about practice, and the voiceover prick (who is by now bff's with the creeper guy apparently) goes "That's right Aaron. That's right..." and you can almost hear the pedophilia in voiceover guy's voice. Strangely enough, I found a KFC ad from the past that specifically advertises their nuggets and has some whore with a visor talking about how "everyone loves KFC chicken nuggets...Except McDonald's!" as if that was the funniest fucking thing that had ever been said ever (which it is not). That's more hypocritical than David Carradine telling someone to fuck off and die. Even if KFC didn't have horrifically stupid ads with pedos and creepers, I wouldn't eat there because their food is like ingesting a pill that increases your cholesterol by 200 points and makes you shit uncontrollably 15 minutes later.
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