#105: MTV Made Episode. 38 Snowboarder Ashley

Let me begin by saying I don't watch Made ever, because its fucking retarded and the people on it are fucking retarded. But, one time I noticed they were doing a snowboarding episode. So, against my better judgement, I watched it. The intro alone was fucking horrific, with some cunt doing a voiceover saying shit like "Ever since Ashley moved from California to Wisconsin, her social life has been OVER" and "she's going to be made into a super shredding snowboarder". So already MTV is turning this into a dumb cunt therapy session that really has nothing to do with snowboarding. Just to give you an idea of what a stupid fucking whore this Ashley girl is, she works at a hotel and some people came in with a bunch of bags and asked her to help them get them upstairs and her response was "Are you for real?" Like asking the hotel employee to help you with your luggage is the most condescending asshole shit you could ever do. So that's what we are working with here.

Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:

YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.

Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.

To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.


Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)