#106: Gresham

Gresham is a horrific shit hole of evil and repulsiveness located just east of Portland. If you have read every single one of these blogs then a) I'm extremely surprised and b) you know that I hate Portlanders. Portland as a city itself is ok. But Gresham is...there really aren't any words to describe it. Well "meth central" would work, as would "gang shootings are common here". Oh sure, there are random pockets of rich people's houses, but for the most part its just projects and duplexes with broken down Fords on the lawn. It was named after a postmaster general named Walter Q. Gresham who was actually kind of a bad ass. However, he died from stab wounds while trying to arrest a lawbreaker, laying the foundation for Gresham as it exists today. AKA a place where the majority of residents are criminals and overall shitty people. Let me tell you a story that sums up Gresham. Once upon a time I was driving to the mountain (duh) and I had to go through the sea of fuck that is Gresham because its the fastest way. I was driving past the bustling town square which consisted of 2 nail salons, a Little Caeser's, and the crown jewel, Chevron. I noticed that there were a shit ton of police cars with sirens on in the parking lot to my left. "Some tweaker probably killed a bunch of people," I said to my friend in the passenger seat not having any clue what was going on. Then we kept going, and the incident was forgotten until I got home later that evening and saw on the news that a dude had done a shit ton of meth, killed his wife, and literally ran naked down the street shooting his gun at random people about 20 minutes before I drove past! Neat. (I tried to find the actual news story but there are a shit ton of things like this that happen in Gresham and this particular one was like 2 years ago so I couldn't find it on Google) If you feel inclined, type in "Gresham Meth arrest" on google and see how many different stories there are. It's a lot! The city's unofficial nickname is Greshamphetamine. The reason its not an official nickname is because Gresham's city officials are too busy being crooked and not arresting gang members and wiping their ass with dirty 100 dollar bills covered in coke residue. That last part I don't know about. 75% sure though. I don't know which there are more of, dirty greasy russians who smoke like its 1945 and think that their entire immediate family is a "gang" that yells stupid shit at people, or hispanics (read:cholos) who smoke weed openly on the street and are actually in gangs. Showing up less frequently but still quite numerous are the lovable black people who wear sweatsuits and Lugz and who feel the need to make their voice be the loudest sound wherever they go, including intersections and Arby's bathrooms. Where are the white people you ask? Don't worry, they are in their basements/garages/barns cooking up a fresh batch of meth! This wonderful cornucopia of people is complimented beautifully with the city's architecture, the theme of which appears to be Shit In Your Own Front Yard And Never Have All Your Windows Intact. Every once in a while I'll see a normal looking person and I just feel so sorry for them. It's probably like being a little herbivore dinosaur in the late Jurrasic surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Velociraptors and T-Rexes, only the Velociraptors have handguns in their sagging Dickies shorts and the T-Rexes shout obscenities at the top of their lungs while riding bikes with spinner rims and 4 foot high handlebars. Oh and every other week or so there are werewolves with rat tails and scraggly beards that come out of the ground, but not normal werewolves, werewolves on meth with crazy amphetamine strength. That's Gresham.