#107: The Man

As Jack Black so eloquently puts it, "the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!" I'm not 100% sure on the rock and roll part because I wasn't alive in 1979 when rock and roll actually mattered but he is right about the other stuff. Shamu? Raped in the ass by the man. The ozone? Don't give a shit. But still probably fucked by the man. The man definitely came up with MTV, and he definitely puts shows like Teen Mom and shit on there. The Man told Rob Dyrdek to rip off Tosh.0 and quit doing Fantasy Factory episodes because he couldn't stand an actual normal decent show on MTV. The Man is in every pile of shit you step on in the grass, he is responsible every time your school runs out of the chocolate milks and you have to drink regular. People always say that the Man holds them down. Bullshit. The Man does not hold anyone down. He wraps his hands around their neck and forces their heads underwater until you think you're going to pass out, but then he lets you up for air and you take a long deep breath only to find out that while you were under SURPRISE the Man ripped ass and it smells like the inside of my 4 year old snowboard boots. The Man stopped Kellogs from making Wild Berry pop tarts, and he also got rid of Captain Crunch All Berries. The Man fishes with powerbait, and snags spawned out salmon for fun. He wrote the sequels to the Sandlot and he has funded every romantic comedy ever. He told people to wear shoelaces for belts. If the Man hasn't fucked you over yet, then you better die soon, cause it's only a matter of time before he catches up with you, bends you over, and blows a hot sticky load of fuck you all over your soul.