#110: The Dentist

Going to the dentist is probably on my top 3 least favorite things to do ever, alongside listening to women talk about sports and pooping the day after drinking a 40. Its such a fucking racket too, yeah thanks for making my god damn gums bleed with your scalpel that has probably been inside 20-30 other mouths today. I really needed that. Some asshole out there is probably like "You just hate dentists cause you have shit teeth probably". Well the joke is on you, I have never had a cavity. So you can fucking blow me you gap toothed fuck ass. I would like to break down my most recent dentist visit for you guys cause it was just so enjoyable/made my day.

Chapter 1: Arrive At Dentist's Office Building

My dentist is in Portland, I'm still on my parents' dental plan and shit so I have no say in this. Portland blows cock, driving in Portland blows cock, and when you add those to the fact that I am driving to somewhere in Portland I would hate no matter where it was, you can gather that I am sufficiently pissed the fuck off before I even walk in the doors. The building my dentist is in is a super fancy business building where everyone there except for me owns like 30 suits and drinks martinis to "wind down". So naturally when I walk in wearing my dirty adidas, jeans, and a "take me to timberline" shirt I feel like everyone wants me to take the elevator to the top floor and jump the fuck off. But I do not do this. So they look at their briefcases in disgust.

Chapter 2: Get To Actual Dentist's Office

I check in. The lady at the desk is having a great day, according to her enormous gloating smile and her tone of voice, which sounds like someone telling a death row inmate which way the electric chair is. I instantly start an inner monologue sarcastically agreeing with everything she says (Yeah I'd LOVE to fucking write my name on this paper. Sure you can have my god damn driver's license, why the FUCK NOT). While I finish signing in I think of ways to slice her throat with the paper on the clipboard but I don't, on account of if I went to jail I would not get to snowboard this winter. She hands me a toothbrush and says I can go brush in the sink over there cause it will be about 5 minutes. Except this lady has forgotten one minor detail, which is that EVERY NORMAL PERSON FUCKING BRUSHES THEIR TEETH BEFORE THEY GO TO THE DENTIST ANYWAYS

Chapter 3: Called Back To The Chair

I say hello to my dentist who I have known since I was 8 or so. He opens with the same knee slapper I have heard every god damn time I go, "Hey tell your parents to stop feeding you har haw har har hee". "Ha" I say, when really I want to say "I've been 6'1 for 3 fucking years now". Then the ordeal begins.

Chapter 4: It Begins

Dentist 1, who is a 45-50 year old male, sticks a weird mirror stick in my mouth and begins scratching the shit out of my enamel with a sharp metal object, which is precisely what he told me not to do ever the last time I was here. Inevitably he fucks up a couple times and before long Dentist 2, a 25-30 year old female, has to stick a miniature plastic vacuum in my mouth and suck 95% of the moisture out, which includes lots of blood. This goes on for about 5 minutes but it feels like 30. then it is "one dentist leaves, the other dentist stays to make it awkward" time. The guy leaves and the chick sits there asking me weird questions like do you like football and how was your drive (shitty obviously this is Portland). I of course can't respond coherently on account of the plastic vacuum is still chilling in my mouth going HSSSSSHHSHFFFFFSHHHSHHHSSFSSSSSS and preventing me from forming any other sound besides OHSHHMMFMM. Dentist 2 nevertheless responds to everything I say like I am speaking normal words. Little does she know that I started just going OHSHHHMFFMMM a bunch and not even trying to make words about 4 visits ago. Fuckin whore. Then dentist 1 comes back and it's time for the coup de gras...

Chapter 5: Fluoride

If there was ever a time I wanted to be a 3rd world child, it is now. They never have to taste the awful taste of flavored fluoride. They are perfectly content with smearing poop on their teeth/faces, and in this moment I envy them. Faced with the harrowing choice of marshmallow, bubble gum, chocolate, banana, or mint, I have chosen marshmallow. Mainly because I haven't tried it before and I know all the other ones suck ass. I hold out h But, alas, marshmallow is just a shitty as all the others. It may even be more shitty, because it ruins the taste of marshmallows for me for the next month or so. The stupid fucking mouth vacuum is still in my mouth and I'm trying to funnel this marshmallow garbage towards it to get this stupid shit done with but it still takes like 3 hours (aka 10 minutes in real time). Then finally the stupid thing is done and I get up to leave.

Chapter 6: DON'T EAT ANYTHING FOR 1 GODDAMN HOUR YOU FUCKING FUCK

Of course I have no cavities cause I am a capital B Bauss. Dentist 1 asks if I want to pick a toy, or maybe a mood ring, out of a drawer in the front. I say no thanks, on the grounds that I am not a 5 year old. Before I completely get the fuck out of there though, I hear those 5 words I never want to hear from the receptionist..."We'll see you next time!" ..SHIT