#111: Dudes Who Text Like Chicks

We all know these people. There's always at least one guy in your circle of friends that just sends random ass "emoticons" or whatever the fuck you want to call them when they are unnecessary. Its like alright bro I know you have a girlfriend but jesus fuck learn to differentiate between the tone of a message to her and one to me (and while you're at it, kick that bitch to the curb, hell yeah) cause its weirding me out.

Let me post for you a text I received the other day, from a male someone who will remain nameless for their own sake. "I talked to my mexican brothers & they get $12/square. You okay with that? =-?\=D/" Now, I am going to ignore the slight racist tone of the first part of the text and focus on the two smiley faces at the end separated by a /. I'm not even sure what =-? is supposed to be, maybe its like a "can I suck you off?" face. Which I wouldn't mind except the small detail of the person sending me this was of the male gender. And despite what many closet homosexuals will tell their friends, getting your dick sucked by a guy is not only gay if you're the one sucking. It goes both ways (pun intended). So no thanks to that first smiley face pal. The second one is a little more straightforward, the classic =D. Now I'm not going to say for sure, but I'm about 90-95% sure that anyone who thinks that putting the D instead of a ) is cool shit is actually a fucking idiot. So there's that faux pas. Plus, when you send smiley faces to a dude and you are a dude, again, it sends weird messages.

#110: The Dentist

Going to the dentist is probably on my top 3 least favorite things to do ever, alongside listening to women talk about sports and pooping the day after drinking a 40. Its such a fucking racket too, yeah thanks for making my god damn gums bleed with your scalpel that has probably been inside 20-30 other mouths today. I really needed that. Some asshole out there is probably like "You just hate dentists cause you have shit teeth probably". Well the joke is on you, I have never had a cavity. So you can fucking blow me you gap toothed fuck ass. I would like to break down my most recent dentist visit for you guys cause it was just so enjoyable/made my day.

Chapter 1: Arrive At Dentist's Office Building

My dentist is in Portland, I'm still on my parents' dental plan and shit so I have no say in this. Portland blows cock, driving in Portland blows cock, and when you add those to the fact that I am driving to somewhere in Portland I would hate no matter where it was, you can gather that I am sufficiently pissed the fuck off before I even walk in the doors. The building my dentist is in is a super fancy business building where everyone there except for me owns like 30 suits and drinks martinis to "wind down". So naturally when I walk in wearing my dirty adidas, jeans, and a "take me to timberline" shirt I feel like everyone wants me to take the elevator to the top floor and jump the fuck off. But I do not do this. So they look at their briefcases in disgust.

Chapter 2: Get To Actual Dentist's Office

I check in. The lady at the desk is having a great day, according to her enormous gloating smile and her tone of voice, which sounds like someone telling a death row inmate which way the electric chair is. I instantly start an inner monologue sarcastically agreeing with everything she says (Yeah I'd LOVE to fucking write my name on this paper. Sure you can have my god damn driver's license, why the FUCK NOT). While I finish signing in I think of ways to slice her throat with the paper on the clipboard but I don't, on account of if I went to jail I would not get to snowboard this winter. She hands me a toothbrush and says I can go brush in the sink over there cause it will be about 5 minutes. Except this lady has forgotten one minor detail, which is that EVERY NORMAL PERSON FUCKING BRUSHES THEIR TEETH BEFORE THEY GO TO THE DENTIST ANYWAYS

Chapter 3: Called Back To The Chair

I say hello to my dentist who I have known since I was 8 or so. He opens with the same knee slapper I have heard every god damn time I go, "Hey tell your parents to stop feeding you har haw har har hee". "Ha" I say, when really I want to say "I've been 6'1 for 3 fucking years now". Then the ordeal begins.

Chapter 4: It Begins

Dentist 1, who is a 45-50 year old male, sticks a weird mirror stick in my mouth and begins scratching the shit out of my enamel with a sharp metal object, which is precisely what he told me not to do ever the last time I was here. Inevitably he fucks up a couple times and before long Dentist 2, a 25-30 year old female, has to stick a miniature plastic vacuum in my mouth and suck 95% of the moisture out, which includes lots of blood. This goes on for about 5 minutes but it feels like 30. then it is "one dentist leaves, the other dentist stays to make it awkward" time. The guy leaves and the chick sits there asking me weird questions like do you like football and how was your drive (shitty obviously this is Portland). I of course can't respond coherently on account of the plastic vacuum is still chilling in my mouth going HSSSSSHHSHFFFFFSHHHSHHHSSFSSSSSS and preventing me from forming any other sound besides OHSHHMMFMM. Dentist 2 nevertheless responds to everything I say like I am speaking normal words. Little does she know that I started just going OHSHHHMFFMMM a bunch and not even trying to make words about 4 visits ago. Fuckin whore. Then dentist 1 comes back and it's time for the coup de gras...

Chapter 5: Fluoride

If there was ever a time I wanted to be a 3rd world child, it is now. They never have to taste the awful taste of flavored fluoride. They are perfectly content with smearing poop on their teeth/faces, and in this moment I envy them. Faced with the harrowing choice of marshmallow, bubble gum, chocolate, banana, or mint, I have chosen marshmallow. Mainly because I haven't tried it before and I know all the other ones suck ass. I hold out h But, alas, marshmallow is just a shitty as all the others. It may even be more shitty, because it ruins the taste of marshmallows for me for the next month or so. The stupid fucking mouth vacuum is still in my mouth and I'm trying to funnel this marshmallow garbage towards it to get this stupid shit done with but it still takes like 3 hours (aka 10 minutes in real time). Then finally the stupid thing is done and I get up to leave.

Chapter 6: DON'T EAT ANYTHING FOR 1 GODDAMN HOUR YOU FUCKING FUCK

Of course I have no cavities cause I am a capital B Bauss. Dentist 1 asks if I want to pick a toy, or maybe a mood ring, out of a drawer in the front. I say no thanks, on the grounds that I am not a 5 year old. Before I completely get the fuck out of there though, I hear those 5 words I never want to hear from the receptionist..."We'll see you next time!" ..SHIT

#109: Shit Heads On Craigslist Pt. II

As many of you know, I like to snowboard. So using that information, you should be able to logically assume 2 things:
1. I am poor
2. I look for deals on snowboard shit all the time on craigslist

This leads to me finding such absolute gems as this. A Burton snowboard setup for only $320! Wow. And the board looks like it is only 6, 7 years old max. Plus, it comes with "wrenches"! Not sure what you use wrenches for on a snowboard, but who couldn't use more wrenches right? Its obvious from the way this guy's bindings are set up that he does mad sick freestyle maneuvers on the hill. They are set back about 10 cm, they are about a foot apart from each other, and the back binding is perpendicular to the edges. This is definitely the way to go, because having knee ligaments is for fucking pussies. Oh and I forgot to mention, having one random USA flag sticker makes you a boss and not a gaper.


This is a great deal as well, it was only used "maybe" one time. This board is so damn good that this guy can't even remember if he rode it or not. It probably blew his mind to the point of retardation because this setup is so awesome. His bindings also have a case of the perpendiculars but whatever, Technine bindings make you hood and you can't buy that kind of street cred (except when you buy this setup). Also, and this is a minor thing, super minor, but the boots are actually STEP IN BOOTS AND YOU DON'T HAVE STEP IN BINDINGS. I mean jesus christ how do you not notice that? There's a big fucking metal piece sticking out the side. Did you not think that was a little odd?

Lamar Snowboard with Bindings and Boota
Nice I have been looking for some Bootas. Plus, Lamar snowboards are like the best money can buy (no). They have binding's too, kemper's. Fuck it, we 'should ju'st put apo'strophe's before every 'single fucking 's out there! Cause who gives a fuck about punctuation/knowing things. No. Fuck you "Kyle". I wouldn't spend $20 on that pile of shit.


COMPLETE SNOWBOARD PCKG READY TO RIDE!!! - $300
Awesome!!!!! I have had many problems before with snowboards that just weren't ready to be ridden, sometimes they are just immature and won't do it, or sometimes they come from abusive relationships and you have to nurture them back into allowing you to ride them. So I get where this chick is coming from. The board is a brand I have never heard of called "Nollie" so you know its definitely quality construction. "I bought it at the Ski & Snowboard show for a lot more than I'm selling it for, and am asking $300 for ALL." Well JOANN its not the general public's fault you are a fucking idiot, $300 is still 100x what this shit is worth. Just because they sell it at the expo does not mean it is good. HOORAY GRESHAM!!!

Lamar snowboard - $300
I will be honest, the moment I saw "Lamar" and "$300" in the same sentence I knew this would be great. Here is a rule of thumb I have about Lamars(note the absence of an apostrophe), NEVER PAY MORE THAN $20 DOLLARS FOR ONE. And never use it unless you are boarding on rocks in summer or it is literally your first time ever. But, this post got even better when I clicked on it. The reason she is selling it is because....drum roll...She's having a baby!!!!! Hooray!!!!! HAHAHAHA so you are stupid, and you are a whore. If any retard buys that for 300 I think the average cost of an abortion is about 350...So just do what you normally do at night but this time ask the random guy if he can give you $50 first. Also though, $300 buys a lot of coathangers and/or alcohol. And stairs are free. Just saying.

#108: People Who Write Blogs

Seriously, who the fuck are you? How dare you. Not to mention, get a job/life/friends. No one can write a lot of blogs (we'll say anywhere around the century mark qualifies you) and still be a functioning member of society. I surf the net and I see blogs like this everywhere. Its complete bullshit! What kind of narcissistic asshole sits at his computer and types things that aren't "yo you want some dick" to random girls on facebook chat? You would think that eventually, these people would get the hint and just shut the fuck up because obviously no one wants to listen (read) to their stupid fucking complaints. I read one this one time that was a guy complaining about complainers! The gall of some people. The worst is the ones who use big words to try and sound smart like "narcissistic" and "blumpkin". Its like hey bro you're not fucking smart cause you know hella words, get over yourself. No Scripp's Spelling Bee winner ever got laid ever I'm pretty sure, so what does that tell you. Its especially lame when people go off on a tangent about things they like that no one else in the world gives a shit about, like extreme action snow sports or some other fag parade. Fuck that shit.

#107: The Man

As Jack Black so eloquently puts it, "the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!" I'm not 100% sure on the rock and roll part because I wasn't alive in 1979 when rock and roll actually mattered but he is right about the other stuff. Shamu? Raped in the ass by the man. The ozone? Don't give a shit. But still probably fucked by the man. The man definitely came up with MTV, and he definitely puts shows like Teen Mom and shit on there. The Man told Rob Dyrdek to rip off Tosh.0 and quit doing Fantasy Factory episodes because he couldn't stand an actual normal decent show on MTV. The Man is in every pile of shit you step on in the grass, he is responsible every time your school runs out of the chocolate milks and you have to drink regular. People always say that the Man holds them down. Bullshit. The Man does not hold anyone down. He wraps his hands around their neck and forces their heads underwater until you think you're going to pass out, but then he lets you up for air and you take a long deep breath only to find out that while you were under SURPRISE the Man ripped ass and it smells like the inside of my 4 year old snowboard boots. The Man stopped Kellogs from making Wild Berry pop tarts, and he also got rid of Captain Crunch All Berries. The Man fishes with powerbait, and snags spawned out salmon for fun. He wrote the sequels to the Sandlot and he has funded every romantic comedy ever. He told people to wear shoelaces for belts. If the Man hasn't fucked you over yet, then you better die soon, cause it's only a matter of time before he catches up with you, bends you over, and blows a hot sticky load of fuck you all over your soul.