#26: Titanic

The movie, the boat itself, all of it, its all fucking stupid. It happened like 90 years ago. I think its time to let it go. What is so fucking awesome and interesting about a boat that crashed into an iceberg? Is it because it was supposedly "unsinkable"? Fuck, if everyone got this interested every time someone said something retarded and had it later proved wrong, George Lopez would be the most interesting guy in America. But he's not. In fact he is a shit human being and I hope only the worst for him and his life. Thomas Jefferson wrote "all men are created equal" when in reality him and all his friends were beating up negroes like hotcakes, but no one calls him on that shit. No one made a shitty movie (that somehow grossed a ridiculous amount of money, what the fuck America) about it either. So I really don't understand the appeal behind Titanic. Let's run through a little plot synopsis here: Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio)who is obviously really really smart (sarcasm), gambles all the money he has on a fucking poker hand. Then he wins and gets like 20 bucks plus some fag's tickets to get on the Titanic. What a great occurance! Now instead of being poor and broke in one place, he can go be poor and broke in another place. Like America in 1912 didnt have enough fucking immigrants coming in with nothing but the greasy beard on their face. Too bad it wasn't 15 or so years earlier, maybe Jack the Ripper would have been on the boat and killed that fuck head. Anyways, he gets on the boat with his friend "Fabrizio De Rossi" (had to look it up) aka "Mr. Never Had Consensual Intercourse In His Life". There he convinces some whore named Rose not to kill herself by spewing some stupid shit about how he'd have to go jump in after her if she jumped, when we all know there is no way in hell he would so much as call for help. And what the hell did she want to commit suicide for? Her husband is a rich guy who pushes her around sometimes and doesn't love her? Yeah i'd kill myself too...SIKE welcome to being married to a rich guy you dumb whore, he knows he can just kick your shit to the curb and get another hot slut if you start mouthing off so of course he doesn't give a shit about you. Maybe Rose should just be happy that she doesn't have to share a bed made of leaves and mud with rats in the gutter like the rest of London at this point in time. Then 17 hours into the movie Rose gets nailed by Jack in a car and he probably shot his load in like 3 minutes because he is a huge nerd and draws pictures of naked bitches for some reason. Then a little while later the fuck head captain hits an iceberg because his crew is retarded, literally, and can't tell the difference between water and an iceberg the size of Helen Hunt's forehead (estimated to be about 3 miles wide and 5 miles high). Then panic ensues because the unsinkable ship (yeah that didn't invite any bad karma, good call) has like 4 life boats. And surprise surprise, the rich first class people get to use them first. Hey here's an idea people who aren't rich and in first class...Have a rich dad or do something lucrative with your life so that things like this won't happen to you. Its called Darwinism and its how the world works. Still, Rose would rather bang old Jack "Picasso with Multiple Sclerosis" Dawson. So she goes and gets him and they jump into the water while the band plays. Which is so honorable of them, I bet they were glad they did that as they sank into the freezing ocean water like 5 minutes later. Then (this is my favorite part of the movie) Jack is 90% submerged into the water while Rose is taking a little catnap or some shit completely out of the water on a door that could easily have supported both of them. Typical woman. And then Jack says something like "you were my first Rose I loveyou so much help meeeeeee" and Rose is all "Fuck off" and then Jack drowns. HA! What a cold hearted bitch right? But thats what you get when you go around plowing people who are already engaged right Jacky boy? Oh and then the end when the old bitch who was telling the story finds the necklace or whatever, but she's still sad, cause Jack went all Natalie Wood on her? Let's think though, would her life have been better if she fucking went off and married some starving artist she'd known for like 3 days? No. Because I'm sure she'd just get tired of that and go fuck some street vendor and marry him like 6 months later. Or Jack would turn out (surprise!) to also be an alcoholic asshole who beats the shit out of women. What a stupid fucking movie