Showing posts with label Brett Favre. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brett Favre. Show all posts
Sunday, December 19, 2010
#60: The Green Bay Packers
Wisconsin...Haha what a fucking shit hole place. Home to the shit hole that is Lambeau Field. Which is home to the shit show Packers. Hey I'm Aaron Rodgers I like to scramble for 8 yards and then get concussed like a bitch. Then I'll sit out a few games because my poor widdle head huwts :( hahahaha douche status for sure! I guess they'll have to rely on their running game now...Oh wait Ryan Grant is on IR because his ankle is broken like Tony Parker's marriage. Look the Sunday night game just ended...HA!!!! Matt Flynn takes a sack, on the New England ten yard line, on fourth down, as time expires! Taking a sack that close to the goal line is retarded, taking a sack on fourth down is retarded, and taking a sack as time expires is the football equivilent of shooting yourself point blank in the face with a rifle. Matt Flynn you have outdone yourself. I bet Flynn wishes he was back at LSU railing whores instead of getting railed himself by 340 pound Vince Wilfork at night in 20 degree weather. The packers play in the NFC north and they still can't win the division. The fucking Bears? LOL Jay Cutler has less talent in his body than he does insulin (he's a diabetic). Good job losing to the Lions too, 7 to fucking 3 hahahaha dear GOD what an embarrassment. If your team can't put up a touchdown on the god damn Detroit Lions then you may as well pack it in for the season. The funniest thing to me is seeing all the people with Favre jerseys in the stands even though Favre totally went Hitler/Stalin on them (yeah I just compared Favre and the Packers to Hitler and Stalin fucking cry about it). HE FUCKING LEFT THREE YEARS AGO. Although who else's jersey are they gonna wear, Clay "homo viking" Matthews? Donald "I'm about to have a stroke" Driver? No. Fuck Green Bay.
Monday, November 29, 2010
#48: Applebee's
Eatin good in the neighborhood my ass. The slogan should be "eating shit that the cook half assed and either burned or got hair on, in the fucking strip mall nowhere near anyone's neighborhood". I went to Applebee's the other night for the first time in a while and it was a complete fucking shit show.
6:20 pm: I walk in the door and get greeted (read: grunted at) by some creature who was probably female and definitely balding. Note to Applebee's greeters everywhere: those fucking snowbanks on your shoulders do not work up people's appetites. Unless you're going for the "if they puke now they'll eat more later" approach. Jesus Christ "Barb" have you ever heard of Head and Shoulders? Or hygeine in general? Judging by your cigarette stained fungi infested teeth I doubt it.
6:21 pm: I sit in the most uncomfortable fucking waiting area ever. Why the hell are these things even there? Its time for the dinner rush and its like the fucking titanic out here cause everyone wants to sit but there's only enough room for like 10% of the people. Sorry Grandma Rose, you aren't part of my family and I'm fucking tired of standing too, so no way in hell am I getting up for your wrinkly old ass. You should be at Old Country Buffet anyways.
6:30 pm: After a wait that seemed like 4 days because the kid next to me is fucking crying like Brett Favre during his yearly retirement announcement, we are led by "Jessica" to a booth next to a shit ton of sports memorabilia. By the way, congrats Applebee's on getting that Cortez Kennedy jersey thats not even fucking autographed, I can really feel the history emanating from it.
6:43 pm: "Jessica" comes over and asks if we are ready to order. Yes "Jessica", we are. In fact, we also solved the South Korea-North Korea conflict and discussed in detail each track on The Who's concept album 'Tommy'. "Jessica" will now be referred to as Stupid Wench for the remainder of the post (because she reminds me of the chick from Burgerville in #4). I ordered a steak because I'm a man and nothing pleases me more than knowing that some cow got beaten and forced to watch really scary movies and shit just so it would be that much more tasty when I eat an 8 ounce portion of its body. I also didn't order a drink and just got water. Because I'm cheap? Sure. Call me crazy but I don't want to pay 3 dollars for 34 ice cubes and a shot of Coca Cola. I could also go off on a tangent about milk being expensive but that is for another time when IHOP starts to piss me off.
7:24 pm: Here comes Stupid Wench with our shit, great. It only took about 40 fucking minutes. That'll teach us not to order "apps". Wait a second, we did order appetizers, and that's what she's bringing out! It was all so long ago I can't even remember what I fucking ordered. MMM 4 cheese sticks. I'm glad I paid 8 fucking dollars for them because each cheese stick is definitely worth 2 dollars. No, wait a second, these are the frozen ones I can buy in packs of 60 for 5 dollars. Sweet!
7:34 pm: 50 minutes later, here it is. The steak that has been cooked to perfection*1. The baked potato smothered*2 in butter and bacon. The green beans slathered in sauce and cooked beautifully*3.
*1-by perfection I mean there is a crust of black encompassing 95% of the outside of the steak. Yet somehow the inside still has a pulse.
*2-smothered in this instance means that there is a 2cm wide slice of butter on the side and 4 bacon bits on the actual potato. The potato itself looks like a normal baked potato, not even Applebee's could fuck that up.
*3-none of this is true except the fact that the beans are a shade of green and I'm sure that technically, cooked is the correct term for what they did to them.
7:50 pm: We are done eating. Stupid Wench is nowhere to be found. You would think after shortchanging us on literally everything they serve, Applebee's would be eager to take our hard earned money and put it towards the CEO's dick enhancement surgery or some shit. But no, Stupid Wench is probably in the bathroom wringing a tampon into someone's raspberry iced tea.
8:01 pm: Stupid Wench shows up with a belly full of poop, or so I assume, because she has the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen. She gives us the check and walks away, probably laughing because she just set her PR for shittiest service.
8:04 pm: I take a shit in the Applebee's bathroom. Not in the toilet, just in the bathroom. There's no place like the neighborhood, right Applebee's? You fucks.
6:20 pm: I walk in the door and get greeted (read: grunted at) by some creature who was probably female and definitely balding. Note to Applebee's greeters everywhere: those fucking snowbanks on your shoulders do not work up people's appetites. Unless you're going for the "if they puke now they'll eat more later" approach. Jesus Christ "Barb" have you ever heard of Head and Shoulders? Or hygeine in general? Judging by your cigarette stained fungi infested teeth I doubt it.
6:21 pm: I sit in the most uncomfortable fucking waiting area ever. Why the hell are these things even there? Its time for the dinner rush and its like the fucking titanic out here cause everyone wants to sit but there's only enough room for like 10% of the people. Sorry Grandma Rose, you aren't part of my family and I'm fucking tired of standing too, so no way in hell am I getting up for your wrinkly old ass. You should be at Old Country Buffet anyways.
6:30 pm: After a wait that seemed like 4 days because the kid next to me is fucking crying like Brett Favre during his yearly retirement announcement, we are led by "Jessica" to a booth next to a shit ton of sports memorabilia. By the way, congrats Applebee's on getting that Cortez Kennedy jersey thats not even fucking autographed, I can really feel the history emanating from it.
6:43 pm: "Jessica" comes over and asks if we are ready to order. Yes "Jessica", we are. In fact, we also solved the South Korea-North Korea conflict and discussed in detail each track on The Who's concept album 'Tommy'. "Jessica" will now be referred to as Stupid Wench for the remainder of the post (because she reminds me of the chick from Burgerville in #4). I ordered a steak because I'm a man and nothing pleases me more than knowing that some cow got beaten and forced to watch really scary movies and shit just so it would be that much more tasty when I eat an 8 ounce portion of its body. I also didn't order a drink and just got water. Because I'm cheap? Sure. Call me crazy but I don't want to pay 3 dollars for 34 ice cubes and a shot of Coca Cola. I could also go off on a tangent about milk being expensive but that is for another time when IHOP starts to piss me off.
7:24 pm: Here comes Stupid Wench with our shit, great. It only took about 40 fucking minutes. That'll teach us not to order "apps". Wait a second, we did order appetizers, and that's what she's bringing out! It was all so long ago I can't even remember what I fucking ordered. MMM 4 cheese sticks. I'm glad I paid 8 fucking dollars for them because each cheese stick is definitely worth 2 dollars. No, wait a second, these are the frozen ones I can buy in packs of 60 for 5 dollars. Sweet!
7:34 pm: 50 minutes later, here it is. The steak that has been cooked to perfection*1. The baked potato smothered*2 in butter and bacon. The green beans slathered in sauce and cooked beautifully*3.
*1-by perfection I mean there is a crust of black encompassing 95% of the outside of the steak. Yet somehow the inside still has a pulse.
*2-smothered in this instance means that there is a 2cm wide slice of butter on the side and 4 bacon bits on the actual potato. The potato itself looks like a normal baked potato, not even Applebee's could fuck that up.
*3-none of this is true except the fact that the beans are a shade of green and I'm sure that technically, cooked is the correct term for what they did to them.
7:50 pm: We are done eating. Stupid Wench is nowhere to be found. You would think after shortchanging us on literally everything they serve, Applebee's would be eager to take our hard earned money and put it towards the CEO's dick enhancement surgery or some shit. But no, Stupid Wench is probably in the bathroom wringing a tampon into someone's raspberry iced tea.
8:01 pm: Stupid Wench shows up with a belly full of poop, or so I assume, because she has the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen. She gives us the check and walks away, probably laughing because she just set her PR for shittiest service.
8:04 pm: I take a shit in the Applebee's bathroom. Not in the toilet, just in the bathroom. There's no place like the neighborhood, right Applebee's? You fucks.
Friday, October 29, 2010
#1: People Who Ride Brett Favre's Dick
Holy shit. Brett Favre already has a wife; it must be hard for him to stay faithful when so many other people are trying to ride his dick. He is an overrated douche. Now, he is a lock for the hall of fame, no doubt. But he only has the stats he does because he’s been playing since the Mesozoic era. Brett Favre is clutch? He has one fucking super bowl in like 18 years. Trent “shit for brain”' Dilfer won a super bowl as a starting QB. He has thrown more postseason interceptions than anyone. He has thrown more interceptions than anyone, ever. “Oh Josh that’s just because he's played for so long whaaaa!” Oh yeah? Then don’t get pissed when I say he only has that many touchdowns cause he's played longer than Justin Bieber's been alive. Would you like to know who has a better career passer rating than Brett “chokes more than that baby who chain smokes” Favre? Let me name a few...Kurt Warner. Jake fucking Delhomme. Rich FUCKING GANNON. Brett Favre is a shit head, and I hate him.
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