#49: Scar

For the first 6 years of my life, I thought that all lions were basically the same. They hung out on the Serengeti, fucked with poor African people, killed shit when they felt like it, and basically were just hella boss all day. Then Lion King came out and I find out that not only was there a lion who could grow a goatee that makes him look like doggystyle-era Snoop Dogg (not a good thing), but that same dick head lion went and killed Mufasa. Fucking Mufasa! Not a coincidence that Obama and Mufasa have similar sounding names. Mufasa fucking ran shit on pride rock and he was mad chill to Zazu and all the other lions, even that cunt Scar (plus his wife Sarabi was fine as hell). How does Scar repay him? He fucking makes Mufasa pull a Junior Seau and throws him off a cliff. Not just any cliff, but a cliff by where a shit ton of wildebeests are stampeding. Side note, wtf Disney? Sure I'll buy in to all the other animals talking and having feelings and shit throughout the movie, but these jerk wildebeests literally kill someone and none of them can stop and be like "hey guys I think we should stop stampeding, we totally just murdered somebody"? Not to mention Simba had to sit there on that branch and watch his dad get stomped out. Sickening. Anyways, Scar gets away with this because Simba is just a little baby cub lion and can't deal with shit, the same way Mike Tyson can't handle rejection. To top it all off, Scar has his hyena friends (cool dude, hang out with hyenas, classy) chase Simba and try to kill him. Obviously the hyenas don't succeed because they're hyenas aka huge pussies. Simba chills out in the jungle for a while with Timon and Puumba who show him how to party and get hammered and shit like that. Then Nala shows up and like every other woman in history, fucking ruins Simba's good time. They all head back to pride rock and after some guidance from an insane homeless guy named Rafeeki, Simba beats the shit out of Scar and has the hyenas kill Scar. Thus Simba's street cred is way high and he gets to rail Nala and probably every other slut in the place since he is a certified bad ass now.

Another side note, why was Scar darker than all the other lions? Subliminal messages Disney? Black lions aren't all bad, remember that. But they do live in Africa which is a shit hole place. I think that's the message.