#61: From The Desk Of Santa

Alright you little fuckers, each year its been getting more and more ridiculous, the shit that you ask for, but now I have had enough. What the fuck even is a "Wii"? What is so bad about a fucking train set or maybe (I know I'm talking crazy here) peace on earth? No, you shit heads don't care if poor little Juanita gets two bullet casings and a dead dog for christmas. Just as long as you get your greasy little hands on some fucking silly bands right? Or maybe it was a LOST box set that you asked for. Spoiler Alert: That show is worse than a virgin on prom night. Anyways, this year its about me, fuck heads. That's right, Santa Claus is about to Ho Ho rip you a new asshole. You know that song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Well this year its going to change to "I Saw Mommy Going Cross Eyed On The Counter While Santa Was Posted Up Balls Deep Hittin It From Behind, Because Mrs. Claus Doesn't Put Out After 250 Years Of Marriage". Maybe I'll drop a little Houdini action on her and Blitzen and I can switch off. You know what else, fuck drinking milk, I'm getting slizzard on Christmas Eve. But Santa, what if you crash :( ? Rudolph is good at flying hammered, I see him do it all the time. Better question, why do I have to go around the fucking world, literally the entire WORLD in a queer ass sleigh? Being pulled by animals that look like, let's face it, gay elk. I give you guys free shit every year, the least you could do is pony up for an airplane or some shit. And christ, enough with the Christmas movies. Fucking Tim Allen? Really? That's what you guys think of me? This is a guy who got caught with 650 grams (over a pound) of coke at an airport! He's also got a DUI charge! What the FUCK? It doesn't matter now I guess, this year I'm saying fuck it. Don't be surprised if you wake up on christmas morning to discover 'ol Santa face down in a pile of his own vomit that smells like Jack Daniels and sadness because I just don't give a fuck anymore.