#56: Portlanders

They think they're sooooo fucking cool. Prancing around like a bunch of god damn fairies (literal ones, don't freak out at me super PC guy on the MAX). Nice fucking jeans you bought then cut to make shorts. Number 1, jean shorts are lamer than Barbaro after the Preakness, and number 2, if you're uncomfortable in regular jeans then just BUY FUCKING SHORTS. Its a lot cheaper and probably a lot more comfortable too. Oh but I forgot, you are so fashion forward. You know EVERYTHING about whats "cool" and "hip". You are yourself a "hipster", right? Just slip on your checkered vans, grab your cardigan and put your lensless glasses on and BOOM the chicks are going to be sopping wet the minute you step outside. Oh wait thats because its fucking raining just like every other day. So you should probably grab your 1960s umbrella before you head down to Powell's to go jerk one out in the Nietzsche section or whatever you fuck heads do in there. Fucking Voodoo donuts is a shit show too. Oh don't get me wrong, their donuts are top notch, but every time you're in line there's some fucking hobo yelling at you, or playing a beat to shit guitar while screaming incoherently, or doing "magic tricks" where all they really do is just try to steal your money. There's a sign that says no solicitors on the door but the people who work at Voodoo don't do shit about it because they're afraid to say shit to a 40+ year old man who looks and smells like he just dropped a deuce in his haggard ass sweatpants. Also, how many "vintage" clothing stores does one town need? It seems like there are more places to buy shit that Arnold Palmer wore when he won the 1964 Masters than there are where you can buy normal fucking clothes. I mean what the hell is wrong with a Ross or maybe even a Kohl's? Its not like these vintage places are cheaper anyways. 50$ for a pink and brown cardigan that cost 20 cents to make? Yeah fuck you too Buffalo Exchange. Remember the one I wrote about malls? Probably not but still. The Lloyd Center mall is like those bug lights that attract bugs. Instead of bugs though, its annoying fuck heads (mostly black people with cartoon backpacks and two tone jeans, shh), and instead of a light, its places like Lidz or Foot Locker or fucking Journeyz For Kids so they can buy their bastard child some fucking size 2 Kobe III's or whatever. Finally, those god damn biker fucks. I don't care if its more practical, I will not be reasoned with on this one. You cannot expect me to have any respect for someone who wears skintight shorts and a racing jersey to wherever they are going. I know you weren't fucking racing pal, and even if you were then you're still a fucking idiot because you were ROAD RACING A FUCKING BIKE. They always get on the news whenever some one (inevitably) gets hit by a car at night in the rain and they fucking go off on how people who drive cars are assholes and that bikes are the future and fucking cry cry cry bla bla BLA. That's the risk you take when you get on a fucking BIKE and ride it in the STREET. A CAR is going to cause serious harm to you when it hits you. Accidents happen. If you don't like it, then go to fucking China where everyone rides a bike and wears the same clothes and goes to shitty strip clubs in downtown. I'm sure you Portlanders will fit right in.