#59: Madden

So many things wrong with this fucking game. I haven't bought Madden 11 yet because I just don't feel like spending 60 dollars for a plastic disc that will make me want to put a steel bullet in my head every time I play it. So maybe the new one is good, I don't fucking know. That's not the point. The point is that Madden 10 is frustrating and I hate the shit out of it. Things that are wrong with this game:

The Soundtrack: I want you listen to the song "Sugar" by System of a Down:
If you can get through the whole thing without grabbing your ears and literally ripping them off then you deserve a medal or some shit. Don't even get me started on the lyrics. Do the cunt punchers at EA Sports really expect me to believe that John Madden, John FUCKING MADDEN, listens to Set Your Goals? Or Korn? Or fucking Nas? I can maybe see him listening to Judas Priest but definitely not that Painkiller speed metal song that sounds like someone butt fucking a base drum while simultaneously beating off a whammy bar on an electric guitar that someone turned up and left right next to the amp so there is just continuous feedback. As if that weren't bad enough, there's not even a way for me to skip a song. So its like hey, fuck you, if you don't listen to shitty fucking music we're going to MAKE YOU HAHAHAHA FUCKER

The Actual Gameplay: This is crazy actually; I didn't know that in 2010 people in the NFL could only run at right angles, not freely as I had previously thought. Madden did a great job in capturing this. I am always thrilled when I switch to a cornerback and he gets burned by fucking Joe Flacco or some shit because my CB had to run in a fucking square just to go right. Another fun thing is when I'm playing defense and I get penetration (hehehe) and hit Tom Brady right in his fucking asshole face just as he is throwing, only to have the ball hang in the air long enough for Kate Gosselin to pop out another child and then land in the arms of Wes "Woody Harrelson of football" Welker 8 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Of course none of my guys are there and Wes gets like an 18 yard gain on what would have been an incomplete pass if the normal laws of fucking physics were in effect. This happens way too much, like at least 10 times every game. Fucking holding and clipping gets called on me every fucking 2 minutes it seems like too. Why the hell is there a holding penalty on a fucking video game? I have no control over the stupid fat fucks who play line. And it really fucking annoys me when I return a kick 98 yards for a TD only to have it called back because Cool Guy McFuckface thought it would be a good idea to clip the shit out of some guy 40 yards away from the play. Awesome

The Commentary: One of the commentators' name is Tom and that's all I really know about him because he is a fuck and I don't care to learn anything else about his life. The other one is Chris Collinsworth. Chris Collinsworth is just one of those people where you hear his voice and you say man I would really like that guy to not speak, or even really be alive anymore. Things I would rather do than listen to him talk:
-Throw myself off the Sears Tower
-Get a boner, stick it in a beehive, and hold it there for about 10 seconds
-Watch Teen Mom, Dancing With The Stars, or Sarah Palin's Alaska (maybe not Teen Mom)
-Have sex with Susan Boyle (I don't think I could do face to face though)
Anyways you get the idea. He is a fuck head. Anyone involved in the making of this game is also a fuck head, and I wish only terrible things for them and their families.