#50: High School

Let me clarify...When I was in high school I had a great time fucking around not going to class and taking advantage of girls with low self esteem and shit like that. But actually physically being in high school was a fucking nightmare. So many bullshit assignments and "group" projects that I never ever got anything accomplished in because I wasn't smart enough to be in the smart kids' group, and most of my friends were lazy fucks like me. I didn't really have a ton of friends in high school anyways, probably because they were all jealous of my thundercock (whom I have nicknamed "Vlad the Impaler" by the way). What better way to commemorate the 50th entry (technically its the 51st, who the fuck cares) of this horribly time wasting blog than to dedicate it to the ultimate waste of time, high school. And of course, we kick it off with a list of stereotypical people that I encountered, and subsequently got pissed off by, in high school.

-Kid Who Thinks He Is In College Already

This kid wears slippers to school nearly every day and arrives late to almost every class, as if he had somewhere else important to be even though he is not allowed off campus except at lunch because he's in fucking high school. Nice UMass sweatshirt bro, too bad you could only get into Clark Community College. This kid usually also thinks he is the shit and everyone can tell he thinks he is the shit. He is not the shit.

-Crazy Foreign Kid

Can you say Mohamed Mohamud? In all the interviews you see of former classmates they'd always be like oh he joked about being a terrorist but we never took him seriously. This is a prime example of a crazy foreign kid. These kids are always being weird as shit so no one ever takes them seriously. I remember there was this kid named Claude in one of my classes who got pissed one time because everyone was talking and he was trying to listen. This is what he said, and I quote (wacky ukranian/russian something accent): "If you guys don't shut up I'm going to shoot you all!" What did everyone do? We all laughed because that was just what Claude did. He was a fucking weirdo. Even the teacher just brushed it off. In retrospect, I would not have been surprised at all if the next day he came in with an AK and just sprayed the room. Another characteristic of these crazy foreign kids is that they always try way way too hard in PE. Not that they are good or anything, usually they're more uncoordinated than Michael J. Fox on a bad day, but their effort is 110%. Its just kickball dude, fuck.

-Small White Skater Kid

This kid wears Big Black hats (the brand not oversized hats), skinny jeans and usually neon shoes with mismatched laces. He might even carry a skateboard to school but really he can't skate for shit. Always fucking yelling and being loud and annoying like an emo toddler or some shit. I sat next to a couple of these kids in art and they'd always talk about banging chicks, which no doubt they did (unprotected, god I hope none of them reproduced) because they all hung out with...

-Super Skinny Emo Skate Chicks

Eating disorder? Bad genes? Methamphetamine abuse? Whatever the cause, these girls are unnaturally thin and will fuck anything wearing skate shoes and a bandanna over long greasy hair. Usually you can tell where they are in the hall because they have a high shrill voice that makes you want to put a CD of nails scratching on chalkboard over the PA just to drown their voices out. They also say extremely stupid shit and complain about how much their home life sucks even though they live in the fucking suburbs in a $400,000 house with an in ground pool and have never worked for anything in their lives ever.

-Stuck Up Hoes

Chubby girls who compensate for their unattractiveness by sucking down dick like its the last Squeeze-It on the hottest day in July. Always, always wearing unattractive tank tops and/or low cut shirts to accentuate their large, mostly flabby tits. Due to all the hick ass Larry the Cable Guy fuck heads and nonathletic black guys that think fat white girls are hot, they think they are entitled to pretty much anything (not that this part is different from any other female). Not to worry though, karma will usually fuck them in the ass (figuratively) in the form of a baby during high school or type 2 diabetes.

-Wiggers

Please please please one day can a black dude be around to kill them when they say nigga to their white friends. Also, why do their hats always have tags on them? Are you gonna return it to Lids? Or what? Because it looks fucking retarded.

-Really Quiet Asian Girl

Literally the most ambiguous thing in the world. She could be 14, or 34. She could be a serial murderer. She could be 1st chair violin in the London Philharmonic. But you will never hear her say a fucking word. Ever.

-That Teacher Who Tries To Be Best Fucking Friends With All The Girls

Cool dude you are fucking 50 years old and you have a wife. The girl you are currently talking to about where she got her shoes is like 17. Don't give me any bullshit about caring about all your students lives either, because I just tried to ask you if I could go to the bathroom and you didn't let me speak for the next 20 minutes while you stared down little Alexis's tank top you fucking chimo.


So that's the end of that section. This next part will be a mash up of random shit that just annoyed the fuck out of me. I realize that was a horrible segue and if I was in high school I would get told to do it over again, but I'm not so you can all fuck off.

Military recruiters at lunch...No one has ever signed up for the army or anything during fucking school lunch. No one decides to do it at lunch either, so why the fuck are they there? I don't think little freshman Billy Stevens finished his fucking chocolate milk, threw his tray away, and then said to himself "hmm that puzzle on the back of the milk carton and the poster of a couple people in camo gear squinting at something in the distance really made me think...I'd like to devote the next 3-7 years of my life to serving in the military!" So take your stupid fucking band and your push up competitions and just leave. Speaking of milk, why are those things so small? And why did the white milks taste like shit? They didn't taste like normal milk at all. It was fucking disgusting. I always had to pay a quarter for an extra milk because I'm not a fucking holocaust survivor and I can't subsist on 5 ounces of fluid a day. Actually, speaking of holocaust survivors, I didn't always have to pay extra because I would do the "hide your extra milk under your tray like its Anne Frank when you pay" because I was a bad ass. The worst was those teachers who taught the normal classes but took it way seriously and made everyone do a shit ton of work...Its like look lady, I appreciate your effort but look at who you're dealing with here. We're not in International Baccalaurette. If we're getting into college its gonna be community or on a sports scholarship, so just cool it with the fucking 30 page packets. Oh god that reminds me, the fucking WASL. Okay story time here...The first year I was supposed to take the math and science WASLs I had the flu so I figured I would take them next year, my junior year. Then my junior year, they changed it so I didn't need the science WASL to graduate. Sweet I thought, because science is the gayest subject known to man and if you're any type of science major then I hate your guts. I fucking slept through the next math WASL like a dipshit because, well, I'm a dipshit. Then, the last part of my senior year, right before the math WASL, I discovered that my SAT math scores were high enough that I could substitute them for WASL scores and graduate. So I didn't take the math one either. I took one WASL my whole high school career, and I didn't even study for it because it was the reading/writing one and I rape at that shit. I hope that makes all you losers who actually took the WASL seriously feel like dipshits.

Finally, high school sports. Everyone in high school makes such a big fucking deal about them. High school sports are fun to do I guess. But, THESE PEOPLE ARE IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. It's not like anyone gets recruited to play at your school (okay that may not be true in certain cases, but that just makes it even more gay). If you're one of those fuck stains that chose a high school simply because it had a "good sports program" then you are a fucking idiot and probably a douchebag rich kid. As if all that weren't bad enough, the fucking newspaper treats these sports like they are actually of importance. 5 years from now no one will give a flying fuck who won the GHSL 3A boy's (not men's, LOL) basketball league. Except the people that were on the team, because none of them are going to play college ball anywhere important since they play in THE FUCKING 3A GHSL LEAGUE IN WASHINGTON. Not exactly the Pac-10 here. I also don't understand why football and basketball and baseball get all the attention either. It should be the individual sports like track and bowling (ha okay maybe not bowling cause that shit is gay) and golf that should be newsworthy. Why? Because all those fucking kids that are nowhere near top level of football talent keep getting exposure for throwing for 400 yeards or rushing for 6 touchdowns or whatever when really its not that cool because they are playing OTHER KIDS THAT SUCK AT FOOTBALL AS WELL. Whereas someone who bowls a 300 or runs a sub 4 minute mile is obviously in the top echelon of their entire sport and actually deserves accolades. Its like if you put me when I was 16 in a snowboard contest between me and everyone in the school, I would be at least top ten. But if that same year I went and competed against people who were the best in the world, I would get shit on.

That concludes my rant about high school...I didn't even mention the unnecessary ridiculously early start times or the retarded fucking dances. You know, the ones where everyone would "white-out" and "dance" three feet apart when they could just as easily have been slamming PBRs and getting their dick sucked (like me).