#11: The Fucking Mall

Any fucking mall. I don't care. They’re all fucking stupid. Who the hell would want to buy overpriced shit while also having to be around the freaks that hang out at the mall? I saw a girl one time with a skirt that was so short I could see her underwear. And I’m pretty sure a shit streak too. Her boyfriend that was clutching her arm and wearing cargo pants with a wallet chain must have been so proud. I’m sure he had a boner too; I just couldn’t see it because his dick is the size of a 5 hour energy shot. The only good thing about the mall is Cinnabon. But for some reason Cinnabon is always like 2 or 3 sections away from a Hot Topic or Hollister or some other douchebag magnet so it kills my vibe anyways. When I’m at the mall I like to play a game called "count the people I’d rather shoot in the face than be around.” I don’t think I’ve ever scored below 20.

One time I went into a Hollister store, because you can’t hate on something if you've never been inside it (see also: my ex-girlfriends). And no shit, there were naked dudes on the wall. Straight up naked dudes running on the beach. Cool? And, 80 fucking dollars for a sweatshirt? I don’t give a fuck how comfortable it is its 80 fucking dollars. I could get my dick sucked for that much money. Also there’s always that one worker who is way way way too enthusiastic about their shit job and fucking shits a brick when you walk in: "Heyyyyy!! Welcome to Pac-Sun we have soooo many great deals right now!" It’s like, “Bitch I don’t give a fuck, I can read price tags, and you just got whore saliva on me so thanks. Now I'm infested with Syphilis or something.” Actually there is another good thing besides Cinnabon at the Lloyd Center mall, and that is watching people eat shit on the ice skating rink. I get a real big kick out of seeing some 200 lb black girl take a header into the boards. And what’s with that one creeper guy who always just skates around the outside of the rink like he’s trolling for salmon or something; and by salmon I mean underage girls to take "artsy" photos of. But, what do you expect when you’re at the fucking mall I guess? It’s full of young girls who have daddy issues and time to kill. God damn it malls are stupid.