#17: That Fucking Asshole Metapod

Um bum dum de dum… Here I am walking through the viridian forest. La la la. Pikachu looks tired...man its dark in h-DOODOLOODOODOLOODOODOLOO...A WILD METAPOD APPEARED!

Me: FUCK...I'll try to run... (Cannot escape!) God damn it! Okay...Whatever.

*Pikachu uses Thundershock!*

zzzzzzzt...Metapod loses 3 HP.

*Metapod used Harden!*

Me: You fucking son of a bitch cocoon asshole! God damn it!

Everyone knows what I'm talking about. That green dickhead who looks like a moon never did anything except for make you waste like 10 minutes tapping A and get you so pissed off you feel like pulling a Bob Knight and throwing a chair at someone (or maybe choking out a basketball player, whatever's easier). There's no point in catching one either. If you catch one it doesn’t even know any god damn attacks so what are you going to do, harden at someone until they die? I don’t think there's a Pokemon called Anna Nicole Smith so that’s probably not going to work. A fucking Caterpie is cooler than that chode muncher Metapod.

And while we’re on Pokemon, what the fuck Mr. Mime? Every single one of you are male. How do you reproduce? Were the zipper heads behind my Pokemon yellow game trying to subliminally influence me? I don't know. I do know, however, that Agatha, that filthy old dry whore in the elite four who probably liked to get finger fucked by Professor Oak (get it, Oak, wood, boners) was the biggest cunt of them all. She was the Kaiser Cunt. Fucking ghost Pokemon? It was fucking impossible to kill them, how is my fucking Snorlax supposed to body slam water vapor or whatever the fuck they were made out of? Eventually I just had Articuno ice beam their shit but still. It was fucking annoying. Safari zone? Cool, there's Chanseys everywhere but I can't catch them because every time I throw those dumb fucks some "bait", they run away. And if I did manage to chuck a poke ball at them I always fucking missed. Those things were fat as fuck! How are you going to miss something that's basically a short pink Kirstey Alley. I don't get it. I also don't get Ditto. He changes into the same thing as the other Pokemon you're fighting, except a shittier version. Cool? Transform yourself into a rare candy and then we'll talk pal.