Thursday, January 6, 2011
#71: Girls That Don't Put Out
Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away (Vancouver, WA) there was a young boy. His name was Josh. He had been hanging out with this chick who shall not be named for like a month, going snowboarding with her (a sacrifice because nearly all girls suck shit and make me go super slow/whine about being cold...NEWS FLASH we are on a mountain in winter its not gonna be fucking 70 degrees), doing gay shit like walks on the waterfront and watching chick movies like The Notebook and stuff. Now I know what you're thinking, holy shit this guy is basically balls deep right now with the shit he has been pulling. That's what I thought too. So I invited her over for a nice little sleepover. Aka we were gonna do the no pants dance. I was kicking it with my bro and I dropped him off at this party at like 10 then went back to the pad with my lady friend. She wanted to watch a movie so I was like whatever why not. I think we watched 50 First Dates or some shit. It wasn't really a bad movie either but honestly I was just trying to get a nut. Here is where the story takes a dark turn. After the movie was over and I folded the futon out (fucking smooth, I know) she just laid down facing away from me and started going to sleep. I'm like WTF is this? I'm not 10 this ain't that kind of sleepover bitch...I just spooned her in hopes that she would get the idea of "heyyy...so yeah...its time to get railed" and not "lets sleep together like we're fucking married or some shit". I GUESS NOT. I kept trying to talk to her and lay some pipe but she was just laying there like I didn't even exist. Now, why the FUCK would you flirt with me, agree to a sleepover at my house, AND wear super sexy pajama shorts yet not want to get it on? Obviously she wanted dick otherwise she wouldn't have been hanging out with an asshole like me for that long. But NOOOOoooOOO. Then to top it all off, she got a call from her fucking mom at like 12 and then left because apparently she wasn't allowed to sleep over anywhere or some gay shit. Here's an idea, tell your mom to fuck off and start playing with my dick or something. Better yet, get your mom over here and she can get plowed too. Instead she just fucking left and I had to go pick up my buddy because the party he went to was lame or something. I don't even remember I was extremely distraught. And that's happened to me multiple times, where some chick will be all up on my shit at a party and then when it comes time to get down to business she just doesn't want to fuck and we lay there doing nothing. Cool I remember when I liked to cuddle...When I was fucking NINE YEARS OLD. Or even worse, she jerks me off for like 5 minutes and then decides she doesn't want to do anything anymore and then just stops. Since I'm not Ben Roethlisberger I'm not going to force her to suck me off or anything but that shit just sucks. Ladies, make up your god damn mind. Don't be a fucking cock tease. Either you want to get railed or you don't. This isn't high school where maybe we'd make out for like 5 minutes and then I'd finger fuck you or something and call it good. No! This is real fucking life and I'm trying to get my dick wet. On a related note, why do so many girls suck dick at sucking dick? You're a female, that's the one thing you should excel at, if anything. But so many times I've just been sitting there while a chick is attempting to suck me off and just thought 'Wow...She is really terrible at that...' Sometimes they can't even get their mouth past the tip. Right...Look, I'm not a porn star, my dick's not that big, try harder. You hear women complaining all the time about how guys don't care about a woman's pleasure, well it's fucking hard to get excited about eating pussy when you just gave me a 4 minute "hand job" with your thumb and pointer finger (yes that actually happened to me one time). It used to be sluts were just that-sluts. Today even if you see a chick dressed like ke$ha chances are she will still look at your johnson like its a fucking space creature or something. Christ
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hahaha I'm definitely a bitch that teases but does not put out. I cannot believe it took till #71 for you to write about this.
ReplyDeletelmao every girl who ever hooked up with you is probably shooting them self in the head right now
ReplyDeletei can only hope
ReplyDelete1: "They just don't give it up to dipshits like me"
ReplyDeletewell...yes they do, if you think that just being a dipshit is enough to keep you from getting laid then you are sadly misguided and have no contact with the real world.
2: "You might try prying yourself away from your computer, lick the dorito's off your fingers, get out of your parents basement, shower, lose about 50 lbs and brush your disgusting teeth."
these posts take me like 10 minutes to write, aka how long it takes you to read a page in a book. i hate doritos, i already took a shower today, i weigh 155 lbs (i am 6'1) and i have never had a cavity in my life. i did have braces though so you totally got me there. also i do live with my parents, which is something no one except me has ever done past the age of 19(sarcasm), but unfortunately i don't have a great job since i havent graduated college/my parents aren't rich
#3:not really sure what to say about calling my one friend and going to a bar because im 20 and i cant get in. im fairly certain i have more than one friend that doesn't hate me. don't quote me on that though because you seem to know more than i do
#4:no one cares about my rants...except you apparently because you just spent quite a bit of time thinking about what you were going to say and spell checking it(you put in an unnecessary apostrophe on doritos btw) to make sure i couldn't make fun of you. so thank you for the comment, you just made me a fraction of a cent through google adsense. I'll put it towards the moving out fund
This is to funny
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