#81: Movie Douches

There are two species of this genus of fuck head, the asshole who is watching TV at your house and apparently has something to say about every little fucking thing that happens on the screen like the characters can hear them talk and will react to what they are saying. Example: I'm watching Easy A with my family and every time Emma Stone's character does anything besides breathe or walk my dad starts going off on a tangent about how the plot is ridiculous, and no one would ever do that stuff, the movie is ridiculous, all while drowning out what is actually happening in the movie. If its really that bad of a movie dad why don't you fucking leave...No one said you had to watch the movie. No one also said anything about wanting to hear your opinion on the movie rather than hearing the actual movie so just shut your fucking face there Ebert. That was nothing compared to the time like 3 years ago when I made the mistake of putting in 40 Year Old Virgin after my dad was already 5 or 6 beers deep. All I could hear for the next hour and a half was "HEEEEEHAAAAHEEEEE HOOOOO (my mom makes the mistake of walking by)OH HEY HONEY C'MERE!!!!! AHH HEEE HEEHEAHAHA!!!! Watch this, hey honey watch this, Josh rewind it! Rewind it to the thing!" Me: "What thing dad." Dad: "You know that thing where he's talking about the egg salad (or the part where he plays the trumpet, or the part where he gets drunk, or the part where he...) Its fucking stupid! Keep your opinions until after the movie. No one cares anyways.
The second species would be Theatricus Fuckheaderi, or as they are commonly known, The Stupid Person/Infant Who Makes Noise In The Movie Theater. Can you not be quiet for fucking 2 hours? Is it that hard for you? If so I don't think you should be in the god damn movie because I paid 7.50 for this shit and if your phone goes off one more time, or if your child makes one more screeching noise then I am going to take it and break it over my knee. The phone or the baby. Or both. At this point I don't care.