#108: People Who Write Blogs

Seriously, who the fuck are you? How dare you. Not to mention, get a job/life/friends. No one can write a lot of blogs (we'll say anywhere around the century mark qualifies you) and still be a functioning member of society. I surf the net and I see blogs like this everywhere. Its complete bullshit! What kind of narcissistic asshole sits at his computer and types things that aren't "yo you want some dick" to random girls on facebook chat? You would think that eventually, these people would get the hint and just shut the fuck up because obviously no one wants to listen (read) to their stupid fucking complaints. I read one this one time that was a guy complaining about complainers! The gall of some people. The worst is the ones who use big words to try and sound smart like "narcissistic" and "blumpkin". Its like hey bro you're not fucking smart cause you know hella words, get over yourself. No Scripp's Spelling Bee winner ever got laid ever I'm pretty sure, so what does that tell you. Its especially lame when people go off on a tangent about things they like that no one else in the world gives a shit about, like extreme action snow sports or some other fag parade. Fuck that shit.

#107: The Man

As Jack Black so eloquently puts it, "the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!" I'm not 100% sure on the rock and roll part because I wasn't alive in 1979 when rock and roll actually mattered but he is right about the other stuff. Shamu? Raped in the ass by the man. The ozone? Don't give a shit. But still probably fucked by the man. The man definitely came up with MTV, and he definitely puts shows like Teen Mom and shit on there. The Man told Rob Dyrdek to rip off Tosh.0 and quit doing Fantasy Factory episodes because he couldn't stand an actual normal decent show on MTV. The Man is in every pile of shit you step on in the grass, he is responsible every time your school runs out of the chocolate milks and you have to drink regular. People always say that the Man holds them down. Bullshit. The Man does not hold anyone down. He wraps his hands around their neck and forces their heads underwater until you think you're going to pass out, but then he lets you up for air and you take a long deep breath only to find out that while you were under SURPRISE the Man ripped ass and it smells like the inside of my 4 year old snowboard boots. The Man stopped Kellogs from making Wild Berry pop tarts, and he also got rid of Captain Crunch All Berries. The Man fishes with powerbait, and snags spawned out salmon for fun. He wrote the sequels to the Sandlot and he has funded every romantic comedy ever. He told people to wear shoelaces for belts. If the Man hasn't fucked you over yet, then you better die soon, cause it's only a matter of time before he catches up with you, bends you over, and blows a hot sticky load of fuck you all over your soul.

#106: Gresham

Gresham is a horrific shit hole of evil and repulsiveness located just east of Portland. If you have read every single one of these blogs then a) I'm extremely surprised and b) you know that I hate Portlanders. Portland as a city itself is ok. But Gresham is...there really aren't any words to describe it. Well "meth central" would work, as would "gang shootings are common here". Oh sure, there are random pockets of rich people's houses, but for the most part its just projects and duplexes with broken down Fords on the lawn. It was named after a postmaster general named Walter Q. Gresham who was actually kind of a bad ass. However, he died from stab wounds while trying to arrest a lawbreaker, laying the foundation for Gresham as it exists today. AKA a place where the majority of residents are criminals and overall shitty people. Let me tell you a story that sums up Gresham. Once upon a time I was driving to the mountain (duh) and I had to go through the sea of fuck that is Gresham because its the fastest way. I was driving past the bustling town square which consisted of 2 nail salons, a Little Caeser's, and the crown jewel, Chevron. I noticed that there were a shit ton of police cars with sirens on in the parking lot to my left. "Some tweaker probably killed a bunch of people," I said to my friend in the passenger seat not having any clue what was going on. Then we kept going, and the incident was forgotten until I got home later that evening and saw on the news that a dude had done a shit ton of meth, killed his wife, and literally ran naked down the street shooting his gun at random people about 20 minutes before I drove past! Neat. (I tried to find the actual news story but there are a shit ton of things like this that happen in Gresham and this particular one was like 2 years ago so I couldn't find it on Google) If you feel inclined, type in "Gresham Meth arrest" on google and see how many different stories there are. It's a lot! The city's unofficial nickname is Greshamphetamine. The reason its not an official nickname is because Gresham's city officials are too busy being crooked and not arresting gang members and wiping their ass with dirty 100 dollar bills covered in coke residue. That last part I don't know about. 75% sure though. I don't know which there are more of, dirty greasy russians who smoke like its 1945 and think that their entire immediate family is a "gang" that yells stupid shit at people, or hispanics (read:cholos) who smoke weed openly on the street and are actually in gangs. Showing up less frequently but still quite numerous are the lovable black people who wear sweatsuits and Lugz and who feel the need to make their voice be the loudest sound wherever they go, including intersections and Arby's bathrooms. Where are the white people you ask? Don't worry, they are in their basements/garages/barns cooking up a fresh batch of meth! This wonderful cornucopia of people is complimented beautifully with the city's architecture, the theme of which appears to be Shit In Your Own Front Yard And Never Have All Your Windows Intact. Every once in a while I'll see a normal looking person and I just feel so sorry for them. It's probably like being a little herbivore dinosaur in the late Jurrasic surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Velociraptors and T-Rexes, only the Velociraptors have handguns in their sagging Dickies shorts and the T-Rexes shout obscenities at the top of their lungs while riding bikes with spinner rims and 4 foot high handlebars. Oh and every other week or so there are werewolves with rat tails and scraggly beards that come out of the ground, but not normal werewolves, werewolves on meth with crazy amphetamine strength. That's Gresham.

#105: MTV Made Episode. 38 Snowboarder Ashley

Let me begin by saying I don't watch Made ever, because its fucking retarded and the people on it are fucking retarded. But, one time I noticed they were doing a snowboarding episode. So, against my better judgement, I watched it. The intro alone was fucking horrific, with some cunt doing a voiceover saying shit like "Ever since Ashley moved from California to Wisconsin, her social life has been OVER" and "she's going to be made into a super shredding snowboarder". So already MTV is turning this into a dumb cunt therapy session that really has nothing to do with snowboarding. Just to give you an idea of what a stupid fucking whore this Ashley girl is, she works at a hotel and some people came in with a bunch of bags and asked her to help them get them upstairs and her response was "Are you for real?" Like asking the hotel employee to help you with your luggage is the most condescending asshole shit you could ever do. So that's what we are working with here.

Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:

YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.

Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.

To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.


Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)

#104: KFC's Retarded Commercial

We've all seen this commercial. Well unless you're poor or lame and don't have a TV, in which case you can see it here. First it shows some fuck head looking at a chicken nugget like its his girlfriend's clit or something and it confuses/frightens him while some other fuck head voiceover cunt says "what part of the chicken is nugget?"(side note I have never seen 'popcorn' on a chicken either KFC). Then the voiceover asshole says "at KFC our cooks don't make nuggets. They make POPCORN CHICKEN" sounding like the most smug asshole ever, as if popcorn chicken were the farthest thing in the world from being a disgusting and foul chicken nugget. Then it cuts to a scene of a couple minorities making what looks to me like a huge tray a chicken nuggets. Then the smug fucking voiceover douche is like "how does popcorn chicken compare to nuggets" and some fucking weirdo with the creepiest face ever pops up and goes "IT DOESN'T". Which is sort of correct, because popcorn chicken and chicken nuggets are pretty much the same fucking thing. Then creeper guy goes "our cooks don't make nuggets" sounding like Allen Iverson talking about practice, and the voiceover prick (who is by now bff's with the creeper guy apparently) goes "That's right Aaron. That's right..." and you can almost hear the pedophilia in voiceover guy's voice. Strangely enough, I found a KFC ad from the past that specifically advertises their nuggets and has some whore with a visor talking about how "everyone loves KFC chicken nuggets...Except McDonald's!" as if that was the funniest fucking thing that had ever been said ever (which it is not). That's more hypocritical than David Carradine telling someone to fuck off and die. Even if KFC didn't have horrifically stupid ads with pedos and creepers, I wouldn't eat there because their food is like ingesting a pill that increases your cholesterol by 200 points and makes you shit uncontrollably 15 minutes later.

#103: Fuck Heads Who Leave The Sticker On Their Hat

This is another one of those things where I just think to myself WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? On what other article of clothing do you leave the sticker on for it to be cool? None of them. You leave the sticker on when you try it on, because you aren't sure if it will get you pussy yet, but then after that you TAKE THE FUCKING TAG/STICKER OFF

If I were some sort of sociology professor I would turn this into a study on how stupid most people are because the only reason people wear stickers on their hat is because they see other people doing it. Ask someone who does it why they didn't take their sticker off, I guarantee they will say "I dunno it looks cool..." Yes but why does it look cool? Is it cool for people to wonder "Hey that guy may have walked out of the store with that hat, but did he buy it? Or just put it on and leave?" I don't think so. People only do this shit because other people do it. It's a way to have "individuality" without actually being an individual. To put it in a way that doesn't sound so fucking pretentious, its a way for kids to reassure themselves that they aren't fuck heads (even though they are fooling themselves hardcore). These are the same people that wear shoelace belts yet don't skate, and wear beanies that stick up 5 inches off their heads in the middle of August.

1) Shoelace belts are so if your shoelace breaks when you're skating you can have another one, and they are also more comfortable than normal leather belts when doing actual tricks on a skateboard. So when I see 14 year olds walking around in multi color DC's that they've had for 5 months but are not scuffed or dirty at all, pre-ripped jeans with a shoelace belt and an Enjoi t-shirt, just know that you are not cool you are a fucking idiot.

2) Okay bro I get it, you fucking snowboard. So do I! I'm sure you have fun getting high on the lift and 50-50ing boxes with your friends who (like you) all wear tall tees under unzipped jackets and ride skate bananas and look like this guy who is a skier (and a douche) and that's great for you, but its fucking 90 degrees outside and you cannot be comfortable. While you're at it take off that fucking cotton flannel too, this is Washington in the summer, not Northern Alaska. PS fuck you and all your relatives

#102: Having A Cold

So I'm sitting here going on day 2 of having a stupid fucking cold and its really starting to piss me the fuck off. Where the fuck are the doctors on this? Here is a quote from an actual legit doctor:

"Hey we got polio under control, we can keep Magic Johnson's HIV positive ass alive for fucking ever, we can perform surgery on your fucking brain to fix it if it gets smashed in in a fucking car accident, we even gave some lady with a monkey a NEW GOD DAMN FACE...But colds are escaping us at the moment. Why don't you just take some fucking Nyquil and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, but if you take the Nyquil you're gonna fall asleep in 20 minutes and there's a 75% chance you will have some sort of fucked up psychedelic dream involving the fat girl from Figure It Out and Kate Gosselin's war-torn vagina."

I'm stuck here using shit paper for Kleenex because I used up all the boxes in the entire house in like 30 minutes. My nose makes me look like Rudolph's pissed off human cousin because apparently blowing your nose every ten seconds irritates the skin on your upper lip/nose, who would have thought(sarcasm)? Not to mention my jaw randomly hurts. Its bad enough I can't smell/taste anything and my nose drips like Sarah Palin's cooch when she sees an animal get shot, but I also can't get comfortable on my god damn memory foam pillow. And if you've ever slept on a memory foam pillow you know those things are baller as fuck. I'm not rich enough to afford that shit in a mattress but pillows are mattresses for your head so its basically the same shit. I wish I could turn into Osmosis Jones (minus the being Chris Rock part) and go inside my body and just beat the shit out of all the cold/virus cells or whatever the fuck they are, I don't know, I got an F in biology.