#102: Having A Cold

So I'm sitting here going on day 2 of having a stupid fucking cold and its really starting to piss me the fuck off. Where the fuck are the doctors on this? Here is a quote from an actual legit doctor:

"Hey we got polio under control, we can keep Magic Johnson's HIV positive ass alive for fucking ever, we can perform surgery on your fucking brain to fix it if it gets smashed in in a fucking car accident, we even gave some lady with a monkey a NEW GOD DAMN FACE...But colds are escaping us at the moment. Why don't you just take some fucking Nyquil and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, but if you take the Nyquil you're gonna fall asleep in 20 minutes and there's a 75% chance you will have some sort of fucked up psychedelic dream involving the fat girl from Figure It Out and Kate Gosselin's war-torn vagina."

I'm stuck here using shit paper for Kleenex because I used up all the boxes in the entire house in like 30 minutes. My nose makes me look like Rudolph's pissed off human cousin because apparently blowing your nose every ten seconds irritates the skin on your upper lip/nose, who would have thought(sarcasm)? Not to mention my jaw randomly hurts. Its bad enough I can't smell/taste anything and my nose drips like Sarah Palin's cooch when she sees an animal get shot, but I also can't get comfortable on my god damn memory foam pillow. And if you've ever slept on a memory foam pillow you know those things are baller as fuck. I'm not rich enough to afford that shit in a mattress but pillows are mattresses for your head so its basically the same shit. I wish I could turn into Osmosis Jones (minus the being Chris Rock part) and go inside my body and just beat the shit out of all the cold/virus cells or whatever the fuck they are, I don't know, I got an F in biology.