Friday, September 30, 2011
#106: Gresham
Gresham is a horrific shit hole of evil and repulsiveness located just east of Portland. If you have read every single one of these blogs then a) I'm extremely surprised and b) you know that I hate Portlanders. Portland as a city itself is ok. But Gresham is...there really aren't any words to describe it. Well "meth central" would work, as would "gang shootings are common here". Oh sure, there are random pockets of rich people's houses, but for the most part its just projects and duplexes with broken down Fords on the lawn. It was named after a postmaster general named Walter Q. Gresham who was actually kind of a bad ass. However, he died from stab wounds while trying to arrest a lawbreaker, laying the foundation for Gresham as it exists today. AKA a place where the majority of residents are criminals and overall shitty people. Let me tell you a story that sums up Gresham. Once upon a time I was driving to the mountain (duh) and I had to go through the sea of fuck that is Gresham because its the fastest way. I was driving past the bustling town square which consisted of 2 nail salons, a Little Caeser's, and the crown jewel, Chevron. I noticed that there were a shit ton of police cars with sirens on in the parking lot to my left. "Some tweaker probably killed a bunch of people," I said to my friend in the passenger seat not having any clue what was going on. Then we kept going, and the incident was forgotten until I got home later that evening and saw on the news that a dude had done a shit ton of meth, killed his wife, and literally ran naked down the street shooting his gun at random people about 20 minutes before I drove past! Neat. (I tried to find the actual news story but there are a shit ton of things like this that happen in Gresham and this particular one was like 2 years ago so I couldn't find it on Google) If you feel inclined, type in "Gresham Meth arrest" on google and see how many different stories there are. It's a lot! The city's unofficial nickname is Greshamphetamine. The reason its not an official nickname is because Gresham's city officials are too busy being crooked and not arresting gang members and wiping their ass with dirty 100 dollar bills covered in coke residue. That last part I don't know about. 75% sure though. I don't know which there are more of, dirty greasy russians who smoke like its 1945 and think that their entire immediate family is a "gang" that yells stupid shit at people, or hispanics (read:cholos) who smoke weed openly on the street and are actually in gangs. Showing up less frequently but still quite numerous are the lovable black people who wear sweatsuits and Lugz and who feel the need to make their voice be the loudest sound wherever they go, including intersections and Arby's bathrooms. Where are the white people you ask? Don't worry, they are in their basements/garages/barns cooking up a fresh batch of meth! This wonderful cornucopia of people is complimented beautifully with the city's architecture, the theme of which appears to be Shit In Your Own Front Yard And Never Have All Your Windows Intact. Every once in a while I'll see a normal looking person and I just feel so sorry for them. It's probably like being a little herbivore dinosaur in the late Jurrasic surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Velociraptors and T-Rexes, only the Velociraptors have handguns in their sagging Dickies shorts and the T-Rexes shout obscenities at the top of their lungs while riding bikes with spinner rims and 4 foot high handlebars. Oh and every other week or so there are werewolves with rat tails and scraggly beards that come out of the ground, but not normal werewolves, werewolves on meth with crazy amphetamine strength. That's Gresham.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
#105: MTV Made Episode. 38 Snowboarder Ashley
Let me begin by saying I don't watch Made ever, because its fucking retarded and the people on it are fucking retarded. But, one time I noticed they were doing a snowboarding episode. So, against my better judgement, I watched it. The intro alone was fucking horrific, with some cunt doing a voiceover saying shit like "Ever since Ashley moved from California to Wisconsin, her social life has been OVER" and "she's going to be made into a super shredding snowboarder". So already MTV is turning this into a dumb cunt therapy session that really has nothing to do with snowboarding. Just to give you an idea of what a stupid fucking whore this Ashley girl is, she works at a hotel and some people came in with a bunch of bags and asked her to help them get them upstairs and her response was "Are you for real?" Like asking the hotel employee to help you with your luggage is the most condescending asshole shit you could ever do. So that's what we are working with here.
Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:
YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.
Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.
To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.
Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)
Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:
YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.
Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.
Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.
To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.
Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
#104: KFC's Retarded Commercial
We've all seen this commercial. Well unless you're poor or lame and don't have a TV, in which case you can see it here. First it shows some fuck head looking at a chicken nugget like its his girlfriend's clit or something and it confuses/frightens him while some other fuck head voiceover cunt says "what part of the chicken is nugget?"(side note I have never seen 'popcorn' on a chicken either KFC). Then the voiceover asshole says "at KFC our cooks don't make nuggets. They make POPCORN CHICKEN" sounding like the most smug asshole ever, as if popcorn chicken were the farthest thing in the world from being a disgusting and foul chicken nugget. Then it cuts to a scene of a couple minorities making what looks to me like a huge tray a chicken nuggets. Then the smug fucking voiceover douche is like "how does popcorn chicken compare to nuggets" and some fucking weirdo with the creepiest face ever pops up and goes "IT DOESN'T". Which is sort of correct, because popcorn chicken and chicken nuggets are pretty much the same fucking thing. Then creeper guy goes "our cooks don't make nuggets" sounding like Allen Iverson talking about practice, and the voiceover prick (who is by now bff's with the creeper guy apparently) goes "That's right Aaron. That's right..." and you can almost hear the pedophilia in voiceover guy's voice. Strangely enough, I found a KFC ad from the past that specifically advertises their nuggets and has some whore with a visor talking about how "everyone loves KFC chicken nuggets...Except McDonald's!" as if that was the funniest fucking thing that had ever been said ever (which it is not). That's more hypocritical than David Carradine telling someone to fuck off and die. Even if KFC didn't have horrifically stupid ads with pedos and creepers, I wouldn't eat there because their food is like ingesting a pill that increases your cholesterol by 200 points and makes you shit uncontrollably 15 minutes later.
Friday, August 26, 2011
#103: Fuck Heads Who Leave The Sticker On Their Hat
This is another one of those things where I just think to myself WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? On what other article of clothing do you leave the sticker on for it to be cool? None of them. You leave the sticker on when you try it on, because you aren't sure if it will get you pussy yet, but then after that you TAKE THE FUCKING TAG/STICKER OFF
If I were some sort of sociology professor I would turn this into a study on how stupid most people are because the only reason people wear stickers on their hat is because they see other people doing it. Ask someone who does it why they didn't take their sticker off, I guarantee they will say "I dunno it looks cool..." Yes but why does it look cool? Is it cool for people to wonder "Hey that guy may have walked out of the store with that hat, but did he buy it? Or just put it on and leave?" I don't think so. People only do this shit because other people do it. It's a way to have "individuality" without actually being an individual. To put it in a way that doesn't sound so fucking pretentious, its a way for kids to reassure themselves that they aren't fuck heads (even though they are fooling themselves hardcore). These are the same people that wear shoelace belts yet don't skate, and wear beanies that stick up 5 inches off their heads in the middle of August.
1) Shoelace belts are so if your shoelace breaks when you're skating you can have another one, and they are also more comfortable than normal leather belts when doing actual tricks on a skateboard. So when I see 14 year olds walking around in multi color DC's that they've had for 5 months but are not scuffed or dirty at all, pre-ripped jeans with a shoelace belt and an Enjoi t-shirt, just know that you are not cool you are a fucking idiot.
2) Okay bro I get it, you fucking snowboard. So do I! I'm sure you have fun getting high on the lift and 50-50ing boxes with your friends who (like you) all wear tall tees under unzipped jackets and ride skate bananas and look like this guy who is a skier (and a douche) and that's great for you, but its fucking 90 degrees outside and you cannot be comfortable. While you're at it take off that fucking cotton flannel too, this is Washington in the summer, not Northern Alaska. PS fuck you and all your relatives
If I were some sort of sociology professor I would turn this into a study on how stupid most people are because the only reason people wear stickers on their hat is because they see other people doing it. Ask someone who does it why they didn't take their sticker off, I guarantee they will say "I dunno it looks cool..." Yes but why does it look cool? Is it cool for people to wonder "Hey that guy may have walked out of the store with that hat, but did he buy it? Or just put it on and leave?" I don't think so. People only do this shit because other people do it. It's a way to have "individuality" without actually being an individual. To put it in a way that doesn't sound so fucking pretentious, its a way for kids to reassure themselves that they aren't fuck heads (even though they are fooling themselves hardcore). These are the same people that wear shoelace belts yet don't skate, and wear beanies that stick up 5 inches off their heads in the middle of August.
1) Shoelace belts are so if your shoelace breaks when you're skating you can have another one, and they are also more comfortable than normal leather belts when doing actual tricks on a skateboard. So when I see 14 year olds walking around in multi color DC's that they've had for 5 months but are not scuffed or dirty at all, pre-ripped jeans with a shoelace belt and an Enjoi t-shirt, just know that you are not cool you are a fucking idiot.
2) Okay bro I get it, you fucking snowboard. So do I! I'm sure you have fun getting high on the lift and 50-50ing boxes with your friends who (like you) all wear tall tees under unzipped jackets and ride skate bananas and look like this guy who is a skier (and a douche) and that's great for you, but its fucking 90 degrees outside and you cannot be comfortable. While you're at it take off that fucking cotton flannel too, this is Washington in the summer, not Northern Alaska. PS fuck you and all your relatives
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
#102: Having A Cold
So I'm sitting here going on day 2 of having a stupid fucking cold and its really starting to piss me the fuck off. Where the fuck are the doctors on this? Here is a quote from an actual legit doctor:
"Hey we got polio under control, we can keep Magic Johnson's HIV positive ass alive for fucking ever, we can perform surgery on your fucking brain to fix it if it gets smashed in in a fucking car accident, we even gave some lady with a monkey a NEW GOD DAMN FACE...But colds are escaping us at the moment. Why don't you just take some fucking Nyquil and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, but if you take the Nyquil you're gonna fall asleep in 20 minutes and there's a 75% chance you will have some sort of fucked up psychedelic dream involving the fat girl from Figure It Out and Kate Gosselin's war-torn vagina."
I'm stuck here using shit paper for Kleenex because I used up all the boxes in the entire house in like 30 minutes. My nose makes me look like Rudolph's pissed off human cousin because apparently blowing your nose every ten seconds irritates the skin on your upper lip/nose, who would have thought(sarcasm)? Not to mention my jaw randomly hurts. Its bad enough I can't smell/taste anything and my nose drips like Sarah Palin's cooch when she sees an animal get shot, but I also can't get comfortable on my god damn memory foam pillow. And if you've ever slept on a memory foam pillow you know those things are baller as fuck. I'm not rich enough to afford that shit in a mattress but pillows are mattresses for your head so its basically the same shit. I wish I could turn into Osmosis Jones (minus the being Chris Rock part) and go inside my body and just beat the shit out of all the cold/virus cells or whatever the fuck they are, I don't know, I got an F in biology.
"Hey we got polio under control, we can keep Magic Johnson's HIV positive ass alive for fucking ever, we can perform surgery on your fucking brain to fix it if it gets smashed in in a fucking car accident, we even gave some lady with a monkey a NEW GOD DAMN FACE...But colds are escaping us at the moment. Why don't you just take some fucking Nyquil and maybe it will work and maybe it won't, but if you take the Nyquil you're gonna fall asleep in 20 minutes and there's a 75% chance you will have some sort of fucked up psychedelic dream involving the fat girl from Figure It Out and Kate Gosselin's war-torn vagina."
I'm stuck here using shit paper for Kleenex because I used up all the boxes in the entire house in like 30 minutes. My nose makes me look like Rudolph's pissed off human cousin because apparently blowing your nose every ten seconds irritates the skin on your upper lip/nose, who would have thought(sarcasm)? Not to mention my jaw randomly hurts. Its bad enough I can't smell/taste anything and my nose drips like Sarah Palin's cooch when she sees an animal get shot, but I also can't get comfortable on my god damn memory foam pillow. And if you've ever slept on a memory foam pillow you know those things are baller as fuck. I'm not rich enough to afford that shit in a mattress but pillows are mattresses for your head so its basically the same shit. I wish I could turn into Osmosis Jones (minus the being Chris Rock part) and go inside my body and just beat the shit out of all the cold/virus cells or whatever the fuck they are, I don't know, I got an F in biology.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
#101: This Guy From My Local Paper
That's right fuck heads I lied. I said there would be no more but here I am giving you more of what you don't want. Which is also what I told some whore when she asked if was done blowing my load in her mouth.
This editorial I read in the paper really fucking pissed me off. First of all, it's gayer than AIDS to write letters to the paper, and second of all, this guy is a no class fuck stain with a baby's dick.
"I live on the Metolius River in Oregon part of the summer. A July 2 story reported “Underwater competition: Bull trout make a return.” Before the bull trout was introduced a couple of years ago, we had thousands of kokanee surfacing for bugs all day long. We had fishermen, bald eagles and osprey from 6 in the morning until dark working the food chain. The Forest Service or the Confederate Tribes of Warm Springs had to reintroduce the bull trout and many of the former activities have disappeared.
Our federal government has spent millions of your money on two fish ladders to reintroduce salmon and steelhead to Lake Billy Chinook and the program is just getting started. I guess we’ll see how many of the eggs and small ones get eaten by the bull trout before going to sea. The bull trout is a sucker fish that the anglers don’t even come to fish. Do you ever see it in the stores for sale?
Gary Benke
Vancouver"
Gary Gary Gary Gary. Why do you say these things? I bet you came home one day pissed off because you couldn't catch any Kokanee from your stupid ass 14 foot Bayliner you bought on credit. Then you came home and your ghoulish wife wanted to get fucked but you couldn't get it up. So you thought to yourself holy shit I have to make myself feel better quick so I don't Casey Anthony my infant son in a fit of rage tonight. So, naturally, you wrote a letter to your paper blaming Bull trout for eating all the Kokanee you WOULD have caught if the Bull trout hadn't been such huge assholes to you in particular.
"I guess we’ll see how many of the eggs and small ones get eaten by the bull trout before going to sea."
Be a little more passive aggressive you fucking twerp...And NEWS FLASH every single fucking fish in the Metolius river eats fish eggs. So I suppose that means we should just send 10,000 volts through the entire river and kill off every single living fucker in there (except your precious Kokanee of course) so that Salmon and Steelhead can spawn their little fish hearts out. Orrrrr you could just not be a whiny bitch about it and accept that in nature some fish eggs are going to get eaten by other fish, its happened since before you were born and it will continue happening after you are dead of chronically being a cunt.
"The bull trout is a sucker fish that the anglers don’t even come to fish. Do you ever see it in the stores for sale?"
Okay let's just point out the obvious here, Bull trout are not anatomically sucker fish. For your consideration I went and caught a bull trout to show you (because I'm not a puss like Gary and I can catch them)
As you can see, the Bull trout does not have a "sucker" mouth. It has a normal ass fish mouth with gills and some little sharp teeth on the inside. But maybe he meant they were lame and uninteresting fish and that's why no one wants to catch them. If ol Gary had ever hooked into a Bull trout, he would know that he is fucking stupid and they are not easy to reel in.
Funnily enough, Bull trout is a char, whis is a member of the Salmonidae family, as are Kokanee. Way to go Gary! You are on a fucking roll my man. Here is another fact that makes Gary look like a dipshit: the reason they are planting Bull trout in the river is because they used be so prized as a sport fish that they were fished to the brink of extinction (good call on the sucker fish claim Gary!), which brings me to his last "point"... "Do you ever see them at the store for sale?" No I do not, GARY, because THEY ARE A FUCKING ENDANGERED SPECIES AND THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK
So congrats Gary, on being a complete limp dick fucktard and pissing me off. Its no wonder he is such an asshole though, anyone who has played Pokemon Red, Blue, or Yellow would know that people named Gary are real sons of bitches.
This editorial I read in the paper really fucking pissed me off. First of all, it's gayer than AIDS to write letters to the paper, and second of all, this guy is a no class fuck stain with a baby's dick.
"I live on the Metolius River in Oregon part of the summer. A July 2 story reported “Underwater competition: Bull trout make a return.” Before the bull trout was introduced a couple of years ago, we had thousands of kokanee surfacing for bugs all day long. We had fishermen, bald eagles and osprey from 6 in the morning until dark working the food chain. The Forest Service or the Confederate Tribes of Warm Springs had to reintroduce the bull trout and many of the former activities have disappeared.
Our federal government has spent millions of your money on two fish ladders to reintroduce salmon and steelhead to Lake Billy Chinook and the program is just getting started. I guess we’ll see how many of the eggs and small ones get eaten by the bull trout before going to sea. The bull trout is a sucker fish that the anglers don’t even come to fish. Do you ever see it in the stores for sale?
Gary Benke
Vancouver"
Gary Gary Gary Gary. Why do you say these things? I bet you came home one day pissed off because you couldn't catch any Kokanee from your stupid ass 14 foot Bayliner you bought on credit. Then you came home and your ghoulish wife wanted to get fucked but you couldn't get it up. So you thought to yourself holy shit I have to make myself feel better quick so I don't Casey Anthony my infant son in a fit of rage tonight. So, naturally, you wrote a letter to your paper blaming Bull trout for eating all the Kokanee you WOULD have caught if the Bull trout hadn't been such huge assholes to you in particular.
"I guess we’ll see how many of the eggs and small ones get eaten by the bull trout before going to sea."
Be a little more passive aggressive you fucking twerp...And NEWS FLASH every single fucking fish in the Metolius river eats fish eggs. So I suppose that means we should just send 10,000 volts through the entire river and kill off every single living fucker in there (except your precious Kokanee of course) so that Salmon and Steelhead can spawn their little fish hearts out. Orrrrr you could just not be a whiny bitch about it and accept that in nature some fish eggs are going to get eaten by other fish, its happened since before you were born and it will continue happening after you are dead of chronically being a cunt.
"The bull trout is a sucker fish that the anglers don’t even come to fish. Do you ever see it in the stores for sale?"
Okay let's just point out the obvious here, Bull trout are not anatomically sucker fish. For your consideration I went and caught a bull trout to show you (because I'm not a puss like Gary and I can catch them)
As you can see, the Bull trout does not have a "sucker" mouth. It has a normal ass fish mouth with gills and some little sharp teeth on the inside. But maybe he meant they were lame and uninteresting fish and that's why no one wants to catch them. If ol Gary had ever hooked into a Bull trout, he would know that he is fucking stupid and they are not easy to reel in.
Funnily enough, Bull trout is a char, whis is a member of the Salmonidae family, as are Kokanee. Way to go Gary! You are on a fucking roll my man. Here is another fact that makes Gary look like a dipshit: the reason they are planting Bull trout in the river is because they used be so prized as a sport fish that they were fished to the brink of extinction (good call on the sucker fish claim Gary!), which brings me to his last "point"... "Do you ever see them at the store for sale?" No I do not, GARY, because THEY ARE A FUCKING ENDANGERED SPECIES AND THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL YOU STUPID FUCKING PRICK
So congrats Gary, on being a complete limp dick fucktard and pissing me off. Its no wonder he is such an asshole though, anyone who has played Pokemon Red, Blue, or Yellow would know that people named Gary are real sons of bitches.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Special Edition #100: Shit That I Enjoy
So many things that I hate. 100 of them I have written about (I know it says 99 but there was an 11.5 in there for some reason) on this stupid blog. And I do hate them, each and every one. The posts are like my children that I fathered when I was drunk and forgot to pull out, but somehow they turned into decent kids and I play catch with them on weekends and take them for ice cream sometimes and shit. We're not close by any means, but they feel comfortable asking me for money at least. Anyways, now I think it would be a good time to write about the things that make me happy, because the world needs some good old fashioned positivity! Yea optimism!!
I like it when people I hate have bad things happen to them. For instance, if I read on facebook that one of my ex girlfriends is having a bad day, or is dating some complete tool, or maybe even got hit by an Amtrack train, then my face just lights up. You can say that you wish the best for your ex and it may not be the cool thing to do to denounce them publicly but really its enjoyable when they fail. That is an inarguable fact. Call me a piece of shit! I really could care less. You can't sit (or rather stand I guess) there on your soapbox and tell me that every time little Vicky Derkins who took your virginity/ripped your heart out and spat on it in 9th grade posts on her status "terrible day. just need a friend :(" you don't chuckle to yourself at least on the inside a little bit. Its perfectly natural and healthy to embrace the dickhead in yourself. Which, coincidentally, is what I told a chick last night when she was having second thoughts about taking my penis in her ass.
Another thing I enjoy immensely is when little kids hurt themselves. It is absolutely priceless when I see some poor little shit on skis fucking snowplow into a tree and do one of those little kid cries. There are 8 elements to a little kid cry, at least the good ones.
1. Child hits object
2. Child falls on the ground
3. Child processes the fact that it just ran into a tree going 5 mph
4. Child is unnecessarily frightened by this fact (a second or two has passed since the initial contact by now)
5. Child's mouth begins to open, but no sound comes out - yet
6. Child begins to emit a screeching noise that starts quiet but continually gets louder, like eeeeeEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OWWIE OWWIE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7. Child's parent(s) come over telling them its going to be okay and that they are fine even though the parent a) was not looking when the child fell and b)can obviously see that the child's legs are bent at an impossibly awkward position
8. I laugh at the child's misfortune, and also at the spiderweb racing spandex his parents are wearing
Don't worry though, young kids never get seriously injured by anything ever, their bones are made of rubber until age 10 I'm pretty sure. I looked it up on WebMD.
Things That I Like That Don't Involve Someone Else's Physical Pain: JWoww's(don't know her real name) tits. Those are just a fantastic pair of dick slippers (yes I just made that term up, and yes you can use it) no ifs ands or buts about it. I like The Office, even if the newer episodes have been kind of a let down. I like drinking Jack Daniel's from the bottle because then I can tell women that they can only have some if they take it straight, which leads to them either drinking an amount that wouldn't quench the thirst of a dying African, or refusing it completely thus leaving me more JD. I like putting more than one comma in a sentence. I like watching dudes try really hard at a party to get with a chick when she's sober, and then I like watching myself face fuck said whore in a bathroom 20 minutes after introducing myself when she's drunk. I like putting things in parentheses. I like fuzzy socks. If you don't like fuzzy socks because they are "effeminate" then you are obviously not secure in your sexuality because those things are awesome. I like saying the phrase "you can't buy milk in the bread aisle" at random nonsensical times. And finally, I like finding creative ways/places to piss when I'm drunk.
There it is...Everything you need to know about me, the asshole. This is probably the last blog ever because there's no way I could get to 200 and anything else after 100 would just look stupid. So finally, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK OFF
I like it when people I hate have bad things happen to them. For instance, if I read on facebook that one of my ex girlfriends is having a bad day, or is dating some complete tool, or maybe even got hit by an Amtrack train, then my face just lights up. You can say that you wish the best for your ex and it may not be the cool thing to do to denounce them publicly but really its enjoyable when they fail. That is an inarguable fact. Call me a piece of shit! I really could care less. You can't sit (or rather stand I guess) there on your soapbox and tell me that every time little Vicky Derkins who took your virginity/ripped your heart out and spat on it in 9th grade posts on her status "terrible day. just need a friend :(" you don't chuckle to yourself at least on the inside a little bit. Its perfectly natural and healthy to embrace the dickhead in yourself. Which, coincidentally, is what I told a chick last night when she was having second thoughts about taking my penis in her ass.
Another thing I enjoy immensely is when little kids hurt themselves. It is absolutely priceless when I see some poor little shit on skis fucking snowplow into a tree and do one of those little kid cries. There are 8 elements to a little kid cry, at least the good ones.
1. Child hits object
2. Child falls on the ground
3. Child processes the fact that it just ran into a tree going 5 mph
4. Child is unnecessarily frightened by this fact (a second or two has passed since the initial contact by now)
5. Child's mouth begins to open, but no sound comes out - yet
6. Child begins to emit a screeching noise that starts quiet but continually gets louder, like eeeeeEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OWWIE OWWIE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7. Child's parent(s) come over telling them its going to be okay and that they are fine even though the parent a) was not looking when the child fell and b)can obviously see that the child's legs are bent at an impossibly awkward position
8. I laugh at the child's misfortune, and also at the spiderweb racing spandex his parents are wearing
Don't worry though, young kids never get seriously injured by anything ever, their bones are made of rubber until age 10 I'm pretty sure. I looked it up on WebMD.
Things That I Like That Don't Involve Someone Else's Physical Pain: JWoww's(don't know her real name) tits. Those are just a fantastic pair of dick slippers (yes I just made that term up, and yes you can use it) no ifs ands or buts about it. I like The Office, even if the newer episodes have been kind of a let down. I like drinking Jack Daniel's from the bottle because then I can tell women that they can only have some if they take it straight, which leads to them either drinking an amount that wouldn't quench the thirst of a dying African, or refusing it completely thus leaving me more JD. I like putting more than one comma in a sentence. I like watching dudes try really hard at a party to get with a chick when she's sober, and then I like watching myself face fuck said whore in a bathroom 20 minutes after introducing myself when she's drunk. I like putting things in parentheses. I like fuzzy socks. If you don't like fuzzy socks because they are "effeminate" then you are obviously not secure in your sexuality because those things are awesome. I like saying the phrase "you can't buy milk in the bread aisle" at random nonsensical times. And finally, I like finding creative ways/places to piss when I'm drunk.
There it is...Everything you need to know about me, the asshole. This is probably the last blog ever because there's no way I could get to 200 and anything else after 100 would just look stupid. So finally, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK OFF
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