#92: Those Dear Abby Things Where Fuck Heads Ask Retarded Questions

I had a conversation the other day with this chick (sounds boring I know) and she said "Josh you don't do anything to help people. You are just a big meanie. Even though you do have a nice thick cock, that you hilariously nicknamed 'The Undertaker'" And I thought you know what, she is right. Then I decided to do something to help people. Well, first I wrote down the date and time because that was the first time I had ever heard a female be right about something that didn't pertain to a Kardashian. But now, without further ado, I will go online and find some people who need help, and god damn it I will help them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA

Well "squeaky clean" let me tell you a secret. Its not just married couples who take showers together, its every fucking couple that has ever existed that does it. What kind of a fucking prude doesn't want to shower with their bf/gf? The object of a shower with another person isn't to get clean its to fucking have sex obviously. If you write in to dear abby, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you are in the twilight of your life. Which is fantastic and all, congrats for surviving polio I guess, but my point is this. You should be happy that your husband even realizes you still have a vagina. Most of the married couples I've been around have the sexual energy of Raisin Bran. So go ahead and drop the soap because bumpin uglies in the shower is a great time for everyone involved. And lick your titties or something too I'm sure he will like that.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior who is worried about leaving my older sister. "Jamie" is 10 years older and moved back home with my parents and me after she finished college. She takes medication because of her anxiety and stays in her room most of the time. In the six years that Jamie has lived here she has made no friends or acquaintances. I believe I'm the only person she has a relationship with other than her therapist. As I spend more time on schoolwork and projects and less time with her, she feels ignored and becomes desperate to spend time with me. I feel I'm her only link to the outside world. I'm worried that when I move away she'll lose that connection and not make any attempts to find a relationship or a job.
I care deeply about Jamie, but I want to go to college. How can I help her to get moving? -- MY SISTER'S KEEPER IN ILLINOIS

Hey, yeah, sounds like Jamie has an absolutely horrible life. A degree, a family who puts up with her shit, and a home. She may as well kill herself now. SIKE what the fuck is wrong with people these days. She has no friends? There's no substance or chemical that can make you more friendly and outgoing so she is fucked on that one. Oh wait a second, maybe she could just GET A FUCKING LIFE AND DRINK SOME ALCOHOL WITH OTHER PEOPLE HER AGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET. Get a fucking grip. This Jamie cunt sounds like one of those people that could complain about the heat on a trip to Disneyland. I have no time for these people, and neither should you. If they want to sit around talking about their feelings for 34.50 an hour than by all means, go right the fuck ahead. Meanwhile, what's your number "sister's keeper"? And where are you going to college? Cause if you're trying to get railed (and I know you are) maybe we could hang out with our things out.

You know I feel great right now. I just love to help people! If anyone out there has a question, or a problem, I'd be happy to help them with it. Just write it in the comments and I will answer to the best of my knowledge!

#91: People Who Don't Understand Sarcasm

Actually I love people that don't get sarcasm. It's my favorite thing ever when I say something like "I'd rather shoot myself in the pancreas than listen to Wanda Sykes's voice" and then the other person goes "REALLY?!" because I'm obviously completely serious about it. All you people that don't get my sarcasm, I definitely don't drink because of you. So, just for you heterosexual people, this post is devoid of sarcasm. I repeat, sarcasm is completely absent from this post whatsoever. As such, I would like to list off a few things that I believe to be 100% true without even a hint of a sarcastic remark.

1. Kings Of Leon are a great band and I would pay any amount of money to go see them in concert
2. Unflavored carbonated water (seltzer water, club soda, etc.) does NOT taste like a doctor's glove after he gave an old man a colonoscopy, and the people who drink it are super cool
3. When people don't text me back even after they say they will (especially when it involves information that is important to me), I am completely understanding and even sympathetic towards them because I know how tough it is to press a few small buttons on a phone that you keep with you all the time

***********Women Section***********

Go ahead ladies, don't finish your drink since A) everyone loves the sober chick at a party and B) I bought this beer so you could finish half of 4 separate cans and then leave them out for other drunk people to knock over. Also, talking about sports/video games/music like you know what you are talking about really DOES NOT give me an urge to lay down in front of a riding lawnmower like that guy in the M. Night Shamananipoopoo (or whatever) movie with Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg. Speaking of that movie, The Happening I believe it was called, what a great piece of cinematography right? I mean I know I enjoyed every single second of it and the thought of taking the DVD out and shattering it into a million tiny pieces and then defecating on them didn't cross my mind, not ONCE. Anyways, back to non-ingratiating things that girls do...Oh I almost forgot! All those inspiring quotes on Facebook really get me through the day. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have some chick that I know through my friend's 17 year old sister posting things like "spread your wings like a butterfly live laugh love, because a wise girl gets railed but makes her inebriated partner wear at least one rubber-Marilyn Monroe". Plus, I'm glad that people look up to Marilyn Monroe because she obviously had her life under control and DID NOT die of abusing pills. Women's sports are totally worthwhile and deserve the same amount of national attention as men's sports. Finally, for future reference, I know how to play Jack Johnson so when I tell you yes, I can play guitar, you should all ask me to play Banana Pancakes a minimum of 17 times.

***********End Of Women Section***********

4. I don't laugh at little kids who hurt themselves because that's just sick
5. I would not let Jennifer Aniston sit on my face
6. The guy in Minute To Win It is totally a normal person and deserves all the success and fame he has received in his life. I do not want him to perish in a horrible freak meteor shower that obliterates his home and his home only (assuming he has one)


So there you have it...A totally unbiased, non-opinionated, sarcasm free ode to the joy that is life as I know it. Have a fantastic day!

#90: Shorts Without Pockets

Hey you little Filipino kids in sweatshops making shorts, what the fuck is wrong with you? When the fuck did it become okay to not put pockets in shorts? Why the fuck would anyone even want shorts without pockets...That basically defeats the only valid reason to wear pants. If I didn't have anything to fucking carry around then obviously I would just not wear pants all the time. But unlike little Ernesto who works his fingers to the bone making shitty clothing, I actually have money and an ID that I carry around in a wallet. Maybe there's just a communication problem between those third world fuck heads and the good people here in America. So let me spell it out for you, Ernesto. PUT SOME FUCKING POCKETS ON MY SHORTS. Carrying a wallet around in a sweatshirt pocket is annoying as fuck and leaving it in the car just invites black peo-I mean criminals-to steal it to pay for their sister's abortion. Sometimes I'm not even wearing a swetshirt with pockets, and then I am really up a shit creek thanks to Ernesto's dumb fucking ass.

#89: Old Geriatric Fucks Driving Cars

Holy shit if I see one more fucking old ass bag of bones puttering along the freeway at 45 mph I swear to christ I am going to swerve straight into them because I can't fucking take it anymore. Hopefully I will take them out with me but as long as I don't have to slam on my brakes because Gene and his Oldsmobile with the "Nobama" bumper sticker can't fucking get it up (lol) to within 20 miles of the speed limit I will be happy. Why the fuck do old people drive so slow anyways? They are going to die soon you would think they'd be in a hurry to get wherever they're going. I don't give two shits if you served a tour in Vietnam you wrinkly fuck, I'm going to serve your face a tour of pain and raw dog your granddaughter if you can't figure out that you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle if you can't see farther than 6 feet ahead of you, or get a boner without passing out for that matter. Respect your elders my ass...I respect what they did for our country 40 fucking years ago but I don't respect their decision to hold me up for 5 seconds while they decide which side of the OCB (Old Country Buffet, aka Old Cunts Buffet) driveway they want to pull into. This is why I hate driving at like 11 in the morning on a weekday to do stuff, because that's when all the people with one foot in the fucking grave are out and inevitably I will get stuck behind some dinosaur who thinks that "I-5" means "school zone" and that its alright to fucking slow down to 20 when they see brake lights 450 feet in front of them on the freeway. Don't you fuckers have a bingo game to get to or some shit...And hey don't miss the Andy Griffith Show rerun at 5:30 before bedtime, YOU ONLY HAVE 45 MINUTES TO DRIVE THE THREE MILES HOME FROM THE BANK!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!

#88: Uneducated Fucks

"Hey wait a minute you didn't even finish college you fucking hypocrite!" Fuck you, I'm not talking about knowing useless shit like "moles" or "Spanish" or "women's studies". I'm talking about those people that are just straight up stupid. Like they wouldn't be able to tell their asshole from a bird's nest. A hallmark of being an uneducated fuck is acting like you know a lot about something when really the things that come out of your mouth make no fucking sense to normal people. Like that new Skins show on TV, people keep saying how awesome and original it is, and then other people will complain about how sleazy and inappropriate it is. Both of these stances are completely fucking retarded. One, like the Office, Skins is a remake of a british sitcom series. And I've seen parts of the british one, its a little more dry humor but its basically the SAME FUCKING SHIT BUT WITH LIMEY FUCKING ACCENTS. Two, its not all that graphic. Sure maybe the characters spout crude sayings and say fucked up shit from time to time but frankly if you are letting your kids watch MTV and then getting offended, you're a dipshit anyways. What about Teen Mom? Hey let's encourage 16 year olds to get knocked up and ruin their fucking lives so they can get their Warholish 15 minutes. That is some messed up exploitative shit and yet I never hear anyone complain about that show unless its because some high school cunt I'm friends with on Facebook thinks one of the girls is ugly or bitchy and has to post about it.
Another thing that just makes me fucking want to hang a cat is when people don't know that a new popular song is just a fucking cover of an old song(s) that deserves the credit but won't because Kid Rock is more popular today than Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Kid Rock didn't write anything on that horrendous "All Summer Long" song besides the shitty lyrics, which are basically about him singing "Sweet Home Alabama" anyways. Other covers that no one seems to fucking know about because people suck in general:
Hurt by Johnny Cash-Actually by Nine Inch Nails (more specifiacally Trent Reznor) 8 years prior. The cover is pretty good though so it's not as bad when people don't know this one.

American Woman by Lenny Kravitz-Originally by the Guess Who. Not the Who you dumb fuck, the Guess Who. Lenny Kravitz is a fuck head and represents everything I disliked about the 90s, most notably black/jewish people.

Drift Away by Uncle Kracker-Originally by Doby Gray in like '74 or some shit. Uncle Kracker is just a shit stain on the underwear of music. That song "Smile" reminds me of a girl who didn't put out, so that sucks too.

Love Song by 311-Originally by the Cure. I knew this girl who liked 311, I touched her boob once, but that's not the point. The point is that 311 should not be allowed to continue making music because they are shit.

Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood-Motley Fucking Crue...I hope no one actually thinks Carrie Slutderwood actually wrote that song because then I'd have to literally murder them. What the fuck was she thinking anyways? Honestly?

The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow-Originally by Cat Stevens. If you don't know who Cat Stevens is, you don't deserve to have an opinion on music. Fact. Plus, Sheryl Crow is hot but she got dumped by a dude with one testicle so she must have a crappy personality or cross-eyed nips or something weird going on.

Lastly, people who think a healthy relationship means making your significant other a part of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU DO. I get it, you guys are in love and life is a fucking fairytale, yeah good for you. But, I don't need to see 10 fucking facebook posts a day about how you "miss your snuggle buddy!" or that you "haven't seen my babyhoneycakes in 2 days so sadddd :(((((" or the "where were you? What did you do last night? Huh huh huh?" fucking quadruple texts to the other person because that's not how you cultivate a healthy working relationship between two equals. That's more of a host/parasite thing, and historically that hasn't worked out well for one or both of you.

#87: More Stupid Fucking Sayings That Are Stupid

Life is too short-Is it though? How many things are you going to do that will last longer than the course of your life? Oh that's right fucking nothing. People say this to me when I don't feel like doing something retarded, like "come on dude just shit on this guy's lawn with us. Life is too short." Well actually, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING SHORT AND I FAIL TO SEE HOW TAKING A DUMP ON SOME FUCK HEAD'S GRASS IS GONNA MAKE IT GO BY ANY SLOWER

Don't bite off more than you can chew-Is this even fucking possible? You can't take a bite of something WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH and then have said bite be more than you can chew WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH. Its simple fucking math people. If you can't chew it, its not gonna fit into your mouth in the first place (insert dick joke here).

Have your cake and eat it too-Okay, thanks? Does anyone ever come into possession of a cake without intending to also eat it? No one fucking goes around buying cakes to put on the wall for their cake collection.

Lastly, there are two sayings that I suppose make sense on their own, but so many whores use them that I noticed they DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE TOGETHER. If one of these is true then the other one can't be just by process of logic.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder-This is what dumb cunts say when they have to be away from their precious boyfriend/husband that they cannot function for more than a day without, or when they have just watched the Notebook and are feeling philosophical. And by philosophical I mean they looked up myspace quotes online.

Out of sight, out of mind-This is what dumb cunts say when they have just recently become single and they want to forget about their boyfriend/husband. If they can't see them, then obviously that means they are totally over him and are ready to mingle (aka get plowed after drinking with a guy named Frank at a shitty bar and then cry on the taxi ride home in the morning)...

LOL one of these sayings has got to go. Either someone is gone and you don't miss them or they're gone and you miss them more. Seriously. It's fucking ridiculous. The shit people will say to make themselves feel better. Just stop and think about what you are saying before you say it and then (not a guarantee for you females out there) you won't sound like a dumb fuck.

#86: George Lopez/Carlos Mencia

Here's a fun riddle for everyone: What would happen if the taco bell chihuahua ejaculated into a vat of taco grease and then that vat of taco grease was swallowed by an old mexican lady and then that mexican lady's taco shits went through the sewer system and somehow ended up in the uterus of a rat, and that rat gave birth? Answer: George Lopez. Here's another one... What would you get if you turned a third world country (say, randomly off the top of my head, Mexico) into a human being but minus all the positive qualities Mexico has? And then beat that person in the face repeatedly with a blunt object? Answer: Carlos Mencia. Both of these people are the reason I believe in the death penalty. George Lopez...Who watches this guy's show? Does TBS pay hospitals to put it on in the rooms where people are in full body slings so they can't change the channel? The only ratings that show is responsible for is an increase in the suicide rate, because everyone involved with that grease ball cunt George Lopez should kill themselves. He is not funny whatsoever. Unless I missed the boat and being an uneducated broken condom with a thick accent is funny? Maybe I did. But I doubt it. And Carlos Mencia...Has that asshole ever told an original joke? I honestly have never seen it. Probably because if he ever did tell an original joke, everyone would realize what a complete no talent fuck head he is. I have a theory that he is famous because his audience is purely spanish speaking and they don't realize that his jokes are shit because they're too busy looking for the "applause" sign that lights up after Carlos stops talking for more than half a second (which is rare). Fucking burrito rollers.