#103: Fuck Heads Who Leave The Sticker On Their Hat

This is another one of those things where I just think to myself WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? On what other article of clothing do you leave the sticker on for it to be cool? None of them. You leave the sticker on when you try it on, because you aren't sure if it will get you pussy yet, but then after that you TAKE THE FUCKING TAG/STICKER OFF

If I were some sort of sociology professor I would turn this into a study on how stupid most people are because the only reason people wear stickers on their hat is because they see other people doing it. Ask someone who does it why they didn't take their sticker off, I guarantee they will say "I dunno it looks cool..." Yes but why does it look cool? Is it cool for people to wonder "Hey that guy may have walked out of the store with that hat, but did he buy it? Or just put it on and leave?" I don't think so. People only do this shit because other people do it. It's a way to have "individuality" without actually being an individual. To put it in a way that doesn't sound so fucking pretentious, its a way for kids to reassure themselves that they aren't fuck heads (even though they are fooling themselves hardcore). These are the same people that wear shoelace belts yet don't skate, and wear beanies that stick up 5 inches off their heads in the middle of August.

1) Shoelace belts are so if your shoelace breaks when you're skating you can have another one, and they are also more comfortable than normal leather belts when doing actual tricks on a skateboard. So when I see 14 year olds walking around in multi color DC's that they've had for 5 months but are not scuffed or dirty at all, pre-ripped jeans with a shoelace belt and an Enjoi t-shirt, just know that you are not cool you are a fucking idiot.

2) Okay bro I get it, you fucking snowboard. So do I! I'm sure you have fun getting high on the lift and 50-50ing boxes with your friends who (like you) all wear tall tees under unzipped jackets and ride skate bananas and look like this guy who is a skier (and a douche) and that's great for you, but its fucking 90 degrees outside and you cannot be comfortable. While you're at it take off that fucking cotton flannel too, this is Washington in the summer, not Northern Alaska. PS fuck you and all your relatives

#95: BMX/Mountain Bikes

You guys on your bikes doing flippy whips and flair stalls are SO cool. Haha oops I thought today was "Say the exact opposite of what you mean" day. Now that I know that it isn't, can you fuck heads get a new fucking hobby? Don't give me any stupid shit about how its fucking hard or whatever because I'm sure it is hard to be really good and do a double backflip and shit like that, but its also probably really hard (oral sex pun) to be really good at sucking a dick. That does not, however mean that its super awesome to go around sucking dicks like they were fleshy push pops. I (and everyone else who's not autistic) learned how to ride a bike when I was like 6 but then I moved on to cooler shit like snowboarding and taking dumps facing backwards on the toilet.

BMX: Hey man hop on my pegs and ride with me hehe we're so cool. Nope. You are a fuck head. Even better is when I see kids sitting on the handlebars of some other kids bike. I always think "eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit" but they never do, its such a buzzkill. Thanks for chopping up the ledges too by the way, ledges are for skateboards. I can't count how many skate spots I have been to where the god damn ledges look like Attila the Hun tried to butt fuck the concrete. I only skate in the summer when its not snowboarding season but still. Don't you guys have some dirt jumps to ride or what.

Mountain Bikes: Mountains. They were made for snowboarding and skiing. Not fucking climbing, or biking, or any other retarded shit that fuck heads like to do. I have heard the argument that mountain biking is way gnarlier than snow sports because "we fall on rocks and dirt not powder man mehhhhhh"...Well if you knew anything about Mt. Hood, a decent powder day happens about 4 times every year. And usually its when the snow is already low, which means we can still fall on rocks we just can't see them before we do land on them cause they happen to be covered by .5 inches of snow. Try sending a 30 foot cliff at 7 at night in 20 degree weather, mountain biking guys, and then we can talk about who is gnarlier. Plus, we are strapped in to our shit. We can't just decide that our dicks are too small halfway through the air and kick the bike away. No. We are going down with that fucker. Which is especially fun on rails. Catching an edge on a rail and falling backwards onto what is either going to be ice, metal, or wood is not a fun thing to do. Last time I checked mountain bikes weren't man enough to even do rails so you guys should probably just STFU and GTFO.

#86: George Lopez/Carlos Mencia

Here's a fun riddle for everyone: What would happen if the taco bell chihuahua ejaculated into a vat of taco grease and then that vat of taco grease was swallowed by an old mexican lady and then that mexican lady's taco shits went through the sewer system and somehow ended up in the uterus of a rat, and that rat gave birth? Answer: George Lopez. Here's another one... What would you get if you turned a third world country (say, randomly off the top of my head, Mexico) into a human being but minus all the positive qualities Mexico has? And then beat that person in the face repeatedly with a blunt object? Answer: Carlos Mencia. Both of these people are the reason I believe in the death penalty. George Lopez...Who watches this guy's show? Does TBS pay hospitals to put it on in the rooms where people are in full body slings so they can't change the channel? The only ratings that show is responsible for is an increase in the suicide rate, because everyone involved with that grease ball cunt George Lopez should kill themselves. He is not funny whatsoever. Unless I missed the boat and being an uneducated broken condom with a thick accent is funny? Maybe I did. But I doubt it. And Carlos Mencia...Has that asshole ever told an original joke? I honestly have never seen it. Probably because if he ever did tell an original joke, everyone would realize what a complete no talent fuck head he is. I have a theory that he is famous because his audience is purely spanish speaking and they don't realize that his jokes are shit because they're too busy looking for the "applause" sign that lights up after Carlos stops talking for more than half a second (which is rare). Fucking burrito rollers.

#74: Gay Ass News Stories That People Care About For Like 2 Weeks Then Forget

This one was sparked by me seeing shit from a bunch of sluts on facebook who thought that the homeless guy who has a great announcing voice is a real inspirational story and its so touching and bla bla bla fucking Hallmark Sandra Bullock bullshit. Yeah that's a great story, give a homeless guy with a history of alcoholism a shit ton of money all at once. Now there's a recipe for success! I give it two months, max, before this guy is back on the streets. Although this time he will probably be face down in a pile of his own shit/puke next to empty bottles of Night Train. Remember those Chilean miners? Yeah they still haven't unionized and they still get paid in tortillas because after they were out of the mine they went back to complete anonymity. What it boils down is people being fake fucks. You don't care about the plight of some poor bastard in a third world country, you just don't. If you did, you would be there helping them out not sitting on your ass using your iPhone to donate 5 dollars to Haiti. What's Haiti? Oh yeah its still a shit hole. Thanks for your "help" building those houses Angelina Jolie. I wouldn't want her helping me with anything, let alone the house I'm going to live in. I wouldn't be surprised to find out Haiti was missing a few orphans after she left too (she would have taken them, its a joke based on her prior adoptions and the subsequent negative press she had gotten). That Zodiac sign bullshit...Who the fuck cares? If you rely on your Zodiac sign to determine the choices that affect your life then fuck you, you deserve no sympathy from anyone because you are a shit head. Not quite a fuck head, but still a definite shit head. Swine Flu. Bird Flu. SARS. The tsunami/earthquakes in Sumatra. That fuck head (yes he is a legitimate geriatric fuck head) pilot who couldn't fly a fucking plane and landed it in the Hudson river because he was old as shit and can't drive a fucking car probably let alone an airplane full of people. Balloon Boy. The people who crashed the inaugural White House dinner or whatever. Et cetera et cetera et cetera. Just a bunch of shit whores and fuck heads pretend to care about in order to seem philanthropic and impress their "friends".

#70: Luis Scola

I'm going to make a quick list of things that Luis Scola is greasier than...

-A pizza from Dominos
-Bruno Mars' hair

-Queen Latifah's ass crack

You get the idea. He is a disgusting creep and if it gets hot enough he probably fries eggs in his hair. Not to mention he looks like a fucking weirdo. If I saw Luis Scola out and about, and I didn't know he played in the NBA, I would call the police if he came within 20 feet of me. I'd probably do that anyways if I ever saw him. Houston police probably get calls for creepy dudes hanging around the Rockets' practice facility and then when they show up they're like oh its just Luis again being a fucking weirdo fuck head. I bet they radio back and say "Yeah HQ that 217 was actually Scola again, repeat, the 217 was just Scola" and the dispatcher is like "God damn it Scola that's the 3rd time this week get a fucking haircut or something." Why didn't he just play soccer like all the other greasy Argentinians. At least then I wouldn't have to see him on TV when I watch basketball.
He was born in 1980 apparently...Not surprising when you consider that Pau Gasol and Macaulay Culkin were also born that year. It must have been the year of the greasy weird looking fuck heads in the Chinese calendar or something. 1980 was also the year someone shot John Lennon...Coincidence? I think not.