#74: Gay Ass News Stories That People Care About For Like 2 Weeks Then Forget

This one was sparked by me seeing shit from a bunch of sluts on facebook who thought that the homeless guy who has a great announcing voice is a real inspirational story and its so touching and bla bla bla fucking Hallmark Sandra Bullock bullshit. Yeah that's a great story, give a homeless guy with a history of alcoholism a shit ton of money all at once. Now there's a recipe for success! I give it two months, max, before this guy is back on the streets. Although this time he will probably be face down in a pile of his own shit/puke next to empty bottles of Night Train. Remember those Chilean miners? Yeah they still haven't unionized and they still get paid in tortillas because after they were out of the mine they went back to complete anonymity. What it boils down is people being fake fucks. You don't care about the plight of some poor bastard in a third world country, you just don't. If you did, you would be there helping them out not sitting on your ass using your iPhone to donate 5 dollars to Haiti. What's Haiti? Oh yeah its still a shit hole. Thanks for your "help" building those houses Angelina Jolie. I wouldn't want her helping me with anything, let alone the house I'm going to live in. I wouldn't be surprised to find out Haiti was missing a few orphans after she left too (she would have taken them, its a joke based on her prior adoptions and the subsequent negative press she had gotten). That Zodiac sign bullshit...Who the fuck cares? If you rely on your Zodiac sign to determine the choices that affect your life then fuck you, you deserve no sympathy from anyone because you are a shit head. Not quite a fuck head, but still a definite shit head. Swine Flu. Bird Flu. SARS. The tsunami/earthquakes in Sumatra. That fuck head (yes he is a legitimate geriatric fuck head) pilot who couldn't fly a fucking plane and landed it in the Hudson river because he was old as shit and can't drive a fucking car probably let alone an airplane full of people. Balloon Boy. The people who crashed the inaugural White House dinner or whatever. Et cetera et cetera et cetera. Just a bunch of shit whores and fuck heads pretend to care about in order to seem philanthropic and impress their "friends".

#54: Deer Valley, Alta, Mad River Glen, Taos*

What the hell are those things? Hunting places? Shitty indie bands? No. Something far worse. They are snow resorts in North America that only allow skiers. Now, I'm not going to say I hate all skiers, because that would not be true, but this shit is fucking retarded. Deer Valley "prides itself on guest service, offering everything from ski valets to freshly cut flowers in the bathrooms." Yeah? That sure sounds like great service. They really go the extra mile. Unless you are a dirty grungy angry obnoxious snowboarder, then you can get the hell out and stay out! What a fucking joke. This is a prime example of someone taking snow sports, which I love, and skull fucking every last dollar out of it. Anyone who really cares about the experience of being on the mountain would not exclude people from enjoying it simply because they have one less plank of wood beneath their feet. Alta, like Deer Valley, is in Utah. Alta recieves the highest amount of snowfall in Utah and is known for having some of the steepest and most challenging terrain in America. I went on their website and tried to find a reason for their fuck headedness in the FAQ's but the only one they had up was "is there a terrain park on the mountain?" Their answer? "We found that our skiers were curious about the park, and had a lot of fun times jibbing. But we were astonished to discover that many more of our skiers preferred to use the natural terrain features, on our 2200 Acres, as their 'park'." Sounds like a bunch of fucking old gray bitter assholes who can't deal with progression of their sport. Their reason for not building a park isn't that they don't have a run that would work for a park or that they don't have the resources (which I gurantee they do, since a season pass is over 1000 dollars). No, their reason is that "the other skiers like the natural features more". Who the fuck did they talk to, their friend Gene who is 86 and rides moguls all day? What a fucking joke. This is really the icing on the shit streaked cake here: "Alta is one of the few remaining ski areas for skiers only and where the true feeling of lodge life remains." The true feeling of lodge life definitely not some fucking boy's club where snowboarders aren't allowed like the skiers are Dean Wormer's butt buddy Omega frat and snowboarders are the Delta frat (that was an Animal House reference if you are a fucking nerd and didn't get it). Deer Valley, Taos, they're exactly the same. Just a bunch of privately owned places run by crotchety old men with ED who compensate by banning "those god damn gays on trays who run around and drink and are dangerous". Well you know what Deer Valley, Alta, Mad River Glen, Taos, you can all eat shit and I hope karma fucks you over in the form of a 3 ton avalanche that buries the douchers that go there and your stupid one chair lifts forever.
*edit-Taos actually does allow boarders now so they are off my shit list. The fact that it took so long is still fucking ridiculous though

This is in Whistler but I think it really summarizes how some skiers are faggots and think they are better than everyone. Notice that its only the adults acting like cock gobblers and the kids just want to shred. Not to mention this is in fucking WHISTLER, the biggest fucking resort in North America