#88: Uneducated Fucks

"Hey wait a minute you didn't even finish college you fucking hypocrite!" Fuck you, I'm not talking about knowing useless shit like "moles" or "Spanish" or "women's studies". I'm talking about those people that are just straight up stupid. Like they wouldn't be able to tell their asshole from a bird's nest. A hallmark of being an uneducated fuck is acting like you know a lot about something when really the things that come out of your mouth make no fucking sense to normal people. Like that new Skins show on TV, people keep saying how awesome and original it is, and then other people will complain about how sleazy and inappropriate it is. Both of these stances are completely fucking retarded. One, like the Office, Skins is a remake of a british sitcom series. And I've seen parts of the british one, its a little more dry humor but its basically the SAME FUCKING SHIT BUT WITH LIMEY FUCKING ACCENTS. Two, its not all that graphic. Sure maybe the characters spout crude sayings and say fucked up shit from time to time but frankly if you are letting your kids watch MTV and then getting offended, you're a dipshit anyways. What about Teen Mom? Hey let's encourage 16 year olds to get knocked up and ruin their fucking lives so they can get their Warholish 15 minutes. That is some messed up exploitative shit and yet I never hear anyone complain about that show unless its because some high school cunt I'm friends with on Facebook thinks one of the girls is ugly or bitchy and has to post about it.
Another thing that just makes me fucking want to hang a cat is when people don't know that a new popular song is just a fucking cover of an old song(s) that deserves the credit but won't because Kid Rock is more popular today than Lynyrd Skynyrd and Warren Zevon. Kid Rock didn't write anything on that horrendous "All Summer Long" song besides the shitty lyrics, which are basically about him singing "Sweet Home Alabama" anyways. Other covers that no one seems to fucking know about because people suck in general:
Hurt by Johnny Cash-Actually by Nine Inch Nails (more specifiacally Trent Reznor) 8 years prior. The cover is pretty good though so it's not as bad when people don't know this one.

American Woman by Lenny Kravitz-Originally by the Guess Who. Not the Who you dumb fuck, the Guess Who. Lenny Kravitz is a fuck head and represents everything I disliked about the 90s, most notably black/jewish people.

Drift Away by Uncle Kracker-Originally by Doby Gray in like '74 or some shit. Uncle Kracker is just a shit stain on the underwear of music. That song "Smile" reminds me of a girl who didn't put out, so that sucks too.

Love Song by 311-Originally by the Cure. I knew this girl who liked 311, I touched her boob once, but that's not the point. The point is that 311 should not be allowed to continue making music because they are shit.

Home Sweet Home by Carrie Underwood-Motley Fucking Crue...I hope no one actually thinks Carrie Slutderwood actually wrote that song because then I'd have to literally murder them. What the fuck was she thinking anyways? Honestly?

The First Cut Is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow-Originally by Cat Stevens. If you don't know who Cat Stevens is, you don't deserve to have an opinion on music. Fact. Plus, Sheryl Crow is hot but she got dumped by a dude with one testicle so she must have a crappy personality or cross-eyed nips or something weird going on.

Lastly, people who think a healthy relationship means making your significant other a part of EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU DO. I get it, you guys are in love and life is a fucking fairytale, yeah good for you. But, I don't need to see 10 fucking facebook posts a day about how you "miss your snuggle buddy!" or that you "haven't seen my babyhoneycakes in 2 days so sadddd :(((((" or the "where were you? What did you do last night? Huh huh huh?" fucking quadruple texts to the other person because that's not how you cultivate a healthy working relationship between two equals. That's more of a host/parasite thing, and historically that hasn't worked out well for one or both of you.

#85: People Who Climb Mountains

Why...What is the point. Once you get to the top you're just gonna have to go back down. And its not like snowboarding where the going down part is fun. Going down is just as hard and not fun as walking up the fucker. I always laugh at the people who climb Mt. Hood from Timberline because its the biggest god damn waste of time in history. Hey have fun walking the extra mile and a half to the top of palmer from the lodge in your north face snow gear and crampons...I'll be waiting at the top in a sweatshirt and snowboard boots (PS I just sat in a chair for the last 10 minutes, it got me to the same place it took you 2 hours to walk to). Only once I get to the top I'm not going to fucking walk up to the peak (which I can see from palmer) I'm going to go down the mountain. Its not like climbing Mt. Hood is a big fucking deal anyways. Everest is gnarly, sure, but I've seen people old enough to be my grandpa walking to the top of Hood before. What are you even going to do once you get to the top? I see one of two scenarios, which are: 1) It's sunny. "Cool we're at the top and its 1 pm...I could have been shredding today in the sun with my friends but instead I'm at the top of a mountain hundreds, if not thousands, of people have climbed before. I don't even get to ride down from here either, boy I look forward to snowshoeing down (NOT)." 2) It's not sunny. "Cool I just climbed to the top of a fucking mountain in shit weather and I can't even see more than 20 feet in any direction. Snot is frozen to my face and the pictures we are taking make it look like we are fucking dementors or something because the clouds are thicker than Shawn Johnson's thighs. Oh but Josh "some people" just enjoy climbing mountains, who are you to say that they are stupid idiots with no real value in life? Well "some people" have sex with animals too. I think I've made my point clear.

#74: Gay Ass News Stories That People Care About For Like 2 Weeks Then Forget

This one was sparked by me seeing shit from a bunch of sluts on facebook who thought that the homeless guy who has a great announcing voice is a real inspirational story and its so touching and bla bla bla fucking Hallmark Sandra Bullock bullshit. Yeah that's a great story, give a homeless guy with a history of alcoholism a shit ton of money all at once. Now there's a recipe for success! I give it two months, max, before this guy is back on the streets. Although this time he will probably be face down in a pile of his own shit/puke next to empty bottles of Night Train. Remember those Chilean miners? Yeah they still haven't unionized and they still get paid in tortillas because after they were out of the mine they went back to complete anonymity. What it boils down is people being fake fucks. You don't care about the plight of some poor bastard in a third world country, you just don't. If you did, you would be there helping them out not sitting on your ass using your iPhone to donate 5 dollars to Haiti. What's Haiti? Oh yeah its still a shit hole. Thanks for your "help" building those houses Angelina Jolie. I wouldn't want her helping me with anything, let alone the house I'm going to live in. I wouldn't be surprised to find out Haiti was missing a few orphans after she left too (she would have taken them, its a joke based on her prior adoptions and the subsequent negative press she had gotten). That Zodiac sign bullshit...Who the fuck cares? If you rely on your Zodiac sign to determine the choices that affect your life then fuck you, you deserve no sympathy from anyone because you are a shit head. Not quite a fuck head, but still a definite shit head. Swine Flu. Bird Flu. SARS. The tsunami/earthquakes in Sumatra. That fuck head (yes he is a legitimate geriatric fuck head) pilot who couldn't fly a fucking plane and landed it in the Hudson river because he was old as shit and can't drive a fucking car probably let alone an airplane full of people. Balloon Boy. The people who crashed the inaugural White House dinner or whatever. Et cetera et cetera et cetera. Just a bunch of shit whores and fuck heads pretend to care about in order to seem philanthropic and impress their "friends".