Showing posts with label Driving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Driving. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
#89: Old Geriatric Fucks Driving Cars
Holy shit if I see one more fucking old ass bag of bones puttering along the freeway at 45 mph I swear to christ I am going to swerve straight into them because I can't fucking take it anymore. Hopefully I will take them out with me but as long as I don't have to slam on my brakes because Gene and his Oldsmobile with the "Nobama" bumper sticker can't fucking get it up (lol) to within 20 miles of the speed limit I will be happy. Why the fuck do old people drive so slow anyways? They are going to die soon you would think they'd be in a hurry to get wherever they're going. I don't give two shits if you served a tour in Vietnam you wrinkly fuck, I'm going to serve your face a tour of pain and raw dog your granddaughter if you can't figure out that you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle if you can't see farther than 6 feet ahead of you, or get a boner without passing out for that matter. Respect your elders my ass...I respect what they did for our country 40 fucking years ago but I don't respect their decision to hold me up for 5 seconds while they decide which side of the OCB (Old Country Buffet, aka Old Cunts Buffet) driveway they want to pull into. This is why I hate driving at like 11 in the morning on a weekday to do stuff, because that's when all the people with one foot in the fucking grave are out and inevitably I will get stuck behind some dinosaur who thinks that "I-5" means "school zone" and that its alright to fucking slow down to 20 when they see brake lights 450 feet in front of them on the freeway. Don't you fuckers have a bingo game to get to or some shit...And hey don't miss the Andy Griffith Show rerun at 5:30 before bedtime, YOU ONLY HAVE 45 MINUTES TO DRIVE THE THREE MILES HOME FROM THE BANK!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
#43: People Who Complain About Winter/Snow
How fucking spoiled are you? You don't like cold weather? No one gives a shit. Especially the weather itself. Last time I checked, low pressure systems don't have feelings and they aren't going to leave if you call them stupid. Barometers never commit suicide because people are talking shit about them on facebook. I may as well go whine to the president or king or shaman or whatever of Mexico and tell him to have all the immigrants that don't speak english stop working at the restaurant (Muchas Gracias) by my house. What the hell is so bad about snow anyways? There are 3 main arguments that I hear.
1. It's cold.
No fucking shit. Wear a god damn coat? Stay inside maybe? You don't have to be Matt fucking Zaffino to look outside, see flakes, and realize that maybe its time to bust out the old parka. And if you live in Washington and don't own a warm coat, you should do the world a favor and chug some rat poison because you are clearly a fucking dipshit.
2. It makes it hard to drive.
Not if you don't drive like a fucking retard. Also chains cost what, 50 dollars? Quit being a cheap asshole and buy some. Every year I laugh because I see some dumb cunt in some shitmobile like a 94 mercury or some shit trying to drive to the store for hot cocoa or whatever. Inevitably they will slide out on a turn, or lose control on a hill, and crash into a)other cars b)buildings or my personal favorite, c)unsuspecting pedestrians. You haven't lived until you've seen some dude get laid out by the grill of an f-250.
3. There's nothing to do.
Have you ever heard of this thing called the Winter Olympics? Its like the summer Olympics, but specifically for winter activities. Snowboarding, skiing, crashing into concrete posts...Too soon? Okay you know what, I have no sympathy for that Georgian guy. He gets on a flimsy piece of fucking plastic, and slides 80 mph down a track made purely of ICE surrounded by things that would definitely kill him if he collided with them. What the fuck do you expect? Its not the safest thing in the world. I say we need to go old school and have more deaths at the Olympics. Restore the glory a little bit. But I digress...If you can't find something to do in the snow or in the cold, then you may as well move to Portland with the rest of the depressing losers.
I have to deal with 6 months of summer before I get to shred, you don't hear me fucking complaining about it. So do me a favor and shut the fuck up about hating winter, or snow, or whatever. Its not even bad here in Vancouver, at least this isn't Russia where they have to use poatato skins for blankets and burn hair for warmth.
1. It's cold.
No fucking shit. Wear a god damn coat? Stay inside maybe? You don't have to be Matt fucking Zaffino to look outside, see flakes, and realize that maybe its time to bust out the old parka. And if you live in Washington and don't own a warm coat, you should do the world a favor and chug some rat poison because you are clearly a fucking dipshit.
2. It makes it hard to drive.
Not if you don't drive like a fucking retard. Also chains cost what, 50 dollars? Quit being a cheap asshole and buy some. Every year I laugh because I see some dumb cunt in some shitmobile like a 94 mercury or some shit trying to drive to the store for hot cocoa or whatever. Inevitably they will slide out on a turn, or lose control on a hill, and crash into a)other cars b)buildings or my personal favorite, c)unsuspecting pedestrians. You haven't lived until you've seen some dude get laid out by the grill of an f-250.
3. There's nothing to do.
Have you ever heard of this thing called the Winter Olympics? Its like the summer Olympics, but specifically for winter activities. Snowboarding, skiing, crashing into concrete posts...Too soon? Okay you know what, I have no sympathy for that Georgian guy. He gets on a flimsy piece of fucking plastic, and slides 80 mph down a track made purely of ICE surrounded by things that would definitely kill him if he collided with them. What the fuck do you expect? Its not the safest thing in the world. I say we need to go old school and have more deaths at the Olympics. Restore the glory a little bit. But I digress...If you can't find something to do in the snow or in the cold, then you may as well move to Portland with the rest of the depressing losers.
I have to deal with 6 months of summer before I get to shred, you don't hear me fucking complaining about it. So do me a favor and shut the fuck up about hating winter, or snow, or whatever. Its not even bad here in Vancouver, at least this isn't Russia where they have to use poatato skins for blankets and burn hair for warmth.
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