#93: Dear Abby Pt. II

The first installment was such a hit that I thought I'd do another one. I mean really there is a bottomless well of material on this one, I can't even fathom the number of dipshits with stupid problems that write in asking fuck head questions.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.

HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ

DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT

Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?

#92: Those Dear Abby Things Where Fuck Heads Ask Retarded Questions

I had a conversation the other day with this chick (sounds boring I know) and she said "Josh you don't do anything to help people. You are just a big meanie. Even though you do have a nice thick cock, that you hilariously nicknamed 'The Undertaker'" And I thought you know what, she is right. Then I decided to do something to help people. Well, first I wrote down the date and time because that was the first time I had ever heard a female be right about something that didn't pertain to a Kardashian. But now, without further ado, I will go online and find some people who need help, and god damn it I will help them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA

Well "squeaky clean" let me tell you a secret. Its not just married couples who take showers together, its every fucking couple that has ever existed that does it. What kind of a fucking prude doesn't want to shower with their bf/gf? The object of a shower with another person isn't to get clean its to fucking have sex obviously. If you write in to dear abby, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you are in the twilight of your life. Which is fantastic and all, congrats for surviving polio I guess, but my point is this. You should be happy that your husband even realizes you still have a vagina. Most of the married couples I've been around have the sexual energy of Raisin Bran. So go ahead and drop the soap because bumpin uglies in the shower is a great time for everyone involved. And lick your titties or something too I'm sure he will like that.

DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior who is worried about leaving my older sister. "Jamie" is 10 years older and moved back home with my parents and me after she finished college. She takes medication because of her anxiety and stays in her room most of the time. In the six years that Jamie has lived here she has made no friends or acquaintances. I believe I'm the only person she has a relationship with other than her therapist. As I spend more time on schoolwork and projects and less time with her, she feels ignored and becomes desperate to spend time with me. I feel I'm her only link to the outside world. I'm worried that when I move away she'll lose that connection and not make any attempts to find a relationship or a job.
I care deeply about Jamie, but I want to go to college. How can I help her to get moving? -- MY SISTER'S KEEPER IN ILLINOIS

Hey, yeah, sounds like Jamie has an absolutely horrible life. A degree, a family who puts up with her shit, and a home. She may as well kill herself now. SIKE what the fuck is wrong with people these days. She has no friends? There's no substance or chemical that can make you more friendly and outgoing so she is fucked on that one. Oh wait a second, maybe she could just GET A FUCKING LIFE AND DRINK SOME ALCOHOL WITH OTHER PEOPLE HER AGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET. Get a fucking grip. This Jamie cunt sounds like one of those people that could complain about the heat on a trip to Disneyland. I have no time for these people, and neither should you. If they want to sit around talking about their feelings for 34.50 an hour than by all means, go right the fuck ahead. Meanwhile, what's your number "sister's keeper"? And where are you going to college? Cause if you're trying to get railed (and I know you are) maybe we could hang out with our things out.

You know I feel great right now. I just love to help people! If anyone out there has a question, or a problem, I'd be happy to help them with it. Just write it in the comments and I will answer to the best of my knowledge!