#87: More Stupid Fucking Sayings That Are Stupid

Life is too short-Is it though? How many things are you going to do that will last longer than the course of your life? Oh that's right fucking nothing. People say this to me when I don't feel like doing something retarded, like "come on dude just shit on this guy's lawn with us. Life is too short." Well actually, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING SHORT AND I FAIL TO SEE HOW TAKING A DUMP ON SOME FUCK HEAD'S GRASS IS GONNA MAKE IT GO BY ANY SLOWER

Don't bite off more than you can chew-Is this even fucking possible? You can't take a bite of something WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH and then have said bite be more than you can chew WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH. Its simple fucking math people. If you can't chew it, its not gonna fit into your mouth in the first place (insert dick joke here).

Have your cake and eat it too-Okay, thanks? Does anyone ever come into possession of a cake without intending to also eat it? No one fucking goes around buying cakes to put on the wall for their cake collection.

Lastly, there are two sayings that I suppose make sense on their own, but so many whores use them that I noticed they DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE TOGETHER. If one of these is true then the other one can't be just by process of logic.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder-This is what dumb cunts say when they have to be away from their precious boyfriend/husband that they cannot function for more than a day without, or when they have just watched the Notebook and are feeling philosophical. And by philosophical I mean they looked up myspace quotes online.

Out of sight, out of mind-This is what dumb cunts say when they have just recently become single and they want to forget about their boyfriend/husband. If they can't see them, then obviously that means they are totally over him and are ready to mingle (aka get plowed after drinking with a guy named Frank at a shitty bar and then cry on the taxi ride home in the morning)...

LOL one of these sayings has got to go. Either someone is gone and you don't miss them or they're gone and you miss them more. Seriously. It's fucking ridiculous. The shit people will say to make themselves feel better. Just stop and think about what you are saying before you say it and then (not a guarantee for you females out there) you won't sound like a dumb fuck.

#80: People Who Say They Are Going To Do Something And Then Don't Fucking Do That Thing

This is probably the thing that annoys me the most out of all the annoying things in the world. Which is saying a lot...But really how fucking hard is it to keep your word? Not hard, if you don't suffer from a severe case of being a fuck head. The most prevalent occurrence of this would be when people say they will be somewhere or do something at a certain time. How hard is it to just fucking be on time? When someone says "Hey dude I will be there at 4" I don't automatically assume that they will be 15 minutes late because their mom told them to clean their fucking room or some other stupid excuse that has no relevance to my life or the timeline we set. Things like getting stuck in rush hour traffic, or missing your alarm are not REASONS to be late they are EXCUSES. It's not my fault you are a dipshit and can't figure out that if you are going across the I-5 bridge at 5:30 on a Tuesday, there IS GOING TO BE SOME FUCKING CONGESTION. Also, I am not responsible for your lazy fucking ass not being able to wake up before 10:30 in the morning. Especially when we make plans to go (you guessed it)...Snowboarding! I can't count the amount of times I've had a perfectly normal conversation with someone where it's like "so we're leaving at 7:30 tomorrow" and then they say "okay", which I stupidly understand to mean "okay" when actually it means "I'm going to get up at 7:30, actually probably closer to 7:45, and then I will take a shit for 15 minutes, during which I will not be answering your phone calls. Then, I will call you back at 8:10 and ask stupid fucking questions like are we still going. Finally, I will tell you that it would be wayyyy easier if you just came and picked me up even though I live approximately 15 minutes farther away from I-5 than you. Hopefully we can get on the mountain by 11:30, that is assuming we even get a parking spot since its a Saturday and Timberline's parking lot is smaller than Kate Hudson's tits*." It's extremely frustrating, but I don't have to tell you that. I'm sure you guys know exactly what I'm talking about. Another instance is when someone says they will text you and then they don't text you. Call me crazy, but it wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest if you just said "I don't have time to text you" instead of being a lying stupid wench cunt. Not that I am bitter. Maybe these people do text me but the EVIL TEXT FAIRY intercepts the messages! Yeah! That's it. And some fucking weird kid gets the texts and wonders why someone randomly texted him "oh Josh I can't wait for you to shit while I suck your dick :p". No that's a joke, I've never gotten a girl to even consider giving me a blumpkin. We all have dreams though...Anyways, my point is this: stop being fucking stupid and saying you're going to do something, or you're going to be somewhere, when you just fucking aren't. Its not the end of the world to tell someone no. Sluts, I'm looking at you.


*Why are Kate Hudson's tits so small? She would be top 5 hottest chicks in the world, easily, with normal tits. Instead she didn't hit puberty or something and has those little traffic reflectors or something on her chest.