Thursday, March 17, 2011
#99: Women On Facebook
Hey you cunts put down the Ben and Jerry's for a second and listen up. It's time to cut that shit out. You know what I'm talking about. You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. All the fucking little posts about how "he is my one and only" and how you are "so lucky to have my snugglebear" or some other retarded shit like that. I realize facebook is designed so that you can share things with your friends but it gets to a point where even your bff is going to stab you in the fucking temple if you don't shut the fuck up about the hipster guy with the beard and how he "gets your feelings". Most of these posts are just desperate whores trying to convince themselves that they aren't actually desperate whores. You can tell because they will post something like "so lucky to have him in my life" and you will think to yourself who the fuck is this bitch talking about. Then you realize she's talking about her new boyfriend she has been going out with for like 5 days. I would be happy for you, if I didn't know for a fact that you were going to break up in a month or so. This has happened like 5 times that I know of before, its happening right now, and it will inevitably continue happening until the end of time. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. So just shut the fuck up about being soul mates until you get like 1 or 2 years under your belt. Although if you can do that you're probably more mature than an autistic 5th grader and therefore won't post stupid whore shit anyways.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
98: Potpourri 2 (Or Maybe 3 I'm Not Sure)
Hash Browns: French fries, mashed potatoes, and baked potatoes. Those are the only three ways potatoes should ever be served to me. Hash browns are a joke.
"Hey let's take this potato and fry it so that it becomes not healthy." "Oh you mean like a french fry?"
"No...its going to taste like shit also."
"So instead of being healthy and/or tasting good, you want a food that is neither of those things? And you want it during the best meal of the day, breakfast?"
"Yes."
"Well ok Chris Kattan. You would."
Yes the hash brown was invented by Chris Kattan. If you didn't know that then you may have a syndrome that the medical world refers to as "being a fuck head" and you should get that looked at.
People who complain about how there is too much violence in the world: Yeah you're totally right, we should go back to the good old days when people got hung from trees for no reason other than they weregood at basketball black. You know, back when Jewish people had to take chemical showers since some greasy fuck with a lame moustache had an inferiority complex and happened to be good at war strategy. Or even farther back in time, when Friday afternoons were spent fighting off the plague and, if you were lucky, taking the kids to attend a good old fashioned beheading as the rest of the crowd yelled encouragement to the executioner like it was a college basketball game or something. Today's world may be a shit hole but at least we all get fucked over, not just the lower class.
When you buy something and its protected by 17 pounds of stiff plastic: How is a fucking Xbox live card that important. It always says "hey pull apart here, HAHAHA SIKE that's not going to work, fuck you consumer" and I always try to pull it apart and then end up just cutting the fucker with heavy duty scissors and nearly chopping my hand off like it was Aron Ralston's arm.
People Who Worry Too Much: Oh nooo 2012 ahhhh whaaa the planet's gonna die. Who gives a fuck? Either we're fucked completely, and there's nothing we can do about it because Pluto is gonna run a train on mother earth with Planet X or whatever the theory is, or nothing is going to happen and we will all be fine. SO THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT IN WORRYING SINCE IT WON'T HAVE AN EFFECT ON ANYTHING YOU STUPID FUCK.
"Hey let's take this potato and fry it so that it becomes not healthy." "Oh you mean like a french fry?"
"No...its going to taste like shit also."
"So instead of being healthy and/or tasting good, you want a food that is neither of those things? And you want it during the best meal of the day, breakfast?"
"Yes."
"Well ok Chris Kattan. You would."
Yes the hash brown was invented by Chris Kattan. If you didn't know that then you may have a syndrome that the medical world refers to as "being a fuck head" and you should get that looked at.
People who complain about how there is too much violence in the world: Yeah you're totally right, we should go back to the good old days when people got hung from trees for no reason other than they were
When you buy something and its protected by 17 pounds of stiff plastic: How is a fucking Xbox live card that important. It always says "hey pull apart here, HAHAHA SIKE that's not going to work, fuck you consumer" and I always try to pull it apart and then end up just cutting the fucker with heavy duty scissors and nearly chopping my hand off like it was Aron Ralston's arm.
People Who Worry Too Much: Oh nooo 2012 ahhhh whaaa the planet's gonna die. Who gives a fuck? Either we're fucked completely, and there's nothing we can do about it because Pluto is gonna run a train on mother earth with Planet X or whatever the theory is, or nothing is going to happen and we will all be fine. SO THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT IN WORRYING SINCE IT WON'T HAVE AN EFFECT ON ANYTHING YOU STUPID FUCK.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
#97: Lisa Gallucci
Who is Lisa Gallucci? Well for one, she is terrible at Yahtzee. She loses by an average of 70 points every game, and that is just a ballpark figure since I'm not 100% sure she really knows how to add, so her total that she writes down could be wrong. PS what's with those headbands? NEWS FLASH this isn't 1984! She's super classy too, cause she drinks 40s...Oh wait she doesn't even drink them she just breaks them. LOL...Lisa also happens to like dubstep...Why don't you go to fucking Europe Lisa because here in America we like real music that has words in it and drums that aren't made by pressing a button. Gallucci. What a name. When you're born into the Gallucci family you probably get handed pinstriped pants and a plate of spaghetti in the delivery room. She always tries to hug me and I'm like Lisa you smell like cannoli get out of here.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
#96: This Article In My Local Paper
http://www.columbian.com/news/2011/mar/04/performance-meets-fashion-in-skiwear/
This is so fucking stupid. Why. Why is there a fashion show for snowboarding clothes. Why does the fucking newspaper feel the need to report it on the front page of the "life" section? And of course, mainstream media can't say anything about snowboarding without mentioning Shaun White. So I may as well talk about him now and get it over with. Apparently Shaun White has started a new trend in snowboarding by wearing skinny pants. Uhh have these people not been on a mountain in the last 6 years? Guys have been wearing girl pants for a while now. "Oh sure you can say that Josh but you have no proof/you are jealous that Shaun White is so cool with his leather pants and shit"..Well as to the first part I will put up some links to shred videos where dudes are wearing girl pants and as to the second part yes I am jealous of Shaun White's skill but no I am not jealous of how he is a ginger and rides pipe all the time.
Jed Anderson, filmed in 07/08
LNP, filmed 08/09
these fuckers, filmed sometime in the 80s
The point is that Shaun White is not the first guy to put on a pair of nut huggers. Nor is he the first to do doubles in the pipe but in all fairness he does go bigger and spin more. Well no, that's not really the point either. The point is that these fuck heads at the columbian say things like “If anyone can pull off a controversial look like that on the mountain it is Shaun,” A controversial look? I've seen old fat ladies in spandex with half a pant leg wedged in their ass crack. That is controversial. I've also seen a white guy with a sombrero and a fake mustache. Also controversial and a little racial, but still funny nonetheless. Its just super annoying when these god awful reporters/journalists cover snowboarding and they obviously have no idea what the fuck they are talking about, they just want to exploit the popularity of the sport for personal exposure/gain. Some whore also said this: "Key colors will include saffron oranges, red wine shades, muted tans, and daffodil, tapioca and banana yellows, Pesce said. For cool colors, look for a range from icy blue to cornflower to royal blue to deep navy, with turquoise or teal greens and a more acidic or sulfuric green rather than kelly green, she said. Sandstone, dusty champagne and mauve also figure to be key." Key? Key to what? Did I miss something? Did Timberline hire a fashion patrol to go along with the asshole ski patrollers that yell at me when I duck the ropes to get some pow shots(not a fucking crime lighten up you fucks)? I can just imagine somebody getting to the lift and then some effeminate dude with fuzzy boots on yelling "PLAID DOES NOT GO WITH POLKA DOTS, TAKE HIS PASS!!!!!" at a poor greasy dude who is wearing 06/07 gear that he borrowed from 3 different people. And the poor greasy dude would punch the guy out, light up a cig, get on the lift and we'd all laugh about it.
"Warmth is always important in the mountains, and Quiksilver is introducing the Cypher heating jacket next season, with a rechargeable battery to heat up panels on the lower back and torso." -Fuck Head from the article
Oh you mean like the Nomis Toasty Jacket that came out in 09(two years ago for those of you lacking basic math skills). Stuuuuuupid
"For hard goods, wood grains are appearing on snowboards and skis."
Well here's a fun fact, snowboards are actually MADE of wood on the inside. WATCH OUT HERE COMES ANOTHER FUN FUCKING FACT: the topsheet is usually made of some sort of plastic, which you can sometimes SEE THROUGH!!!! THUS YOU CAN SEE THE WOOD GRAIN!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!!! This has only been happening since like 95 though so whoever this is quoting wasn't too far behind on his shit (Sarcasm, see #91).
Here is how I see it. Even if your jacket costs more than my whole set up, and even if you have wood grains and muted colors and all that shit, if you go under the lift I'm still going to throw a snowball at you. And if you eat shit on something I'm still going to laugh at you. If you are banking on me seeing you in the lodge and thinking to myself "damn that person has hella nice shit they must be pro/raw as fuck" then you are out of luck again because I actually snowboard all day when I go up to the mountain unlike you fair weather weekend fucks who spend more time posing for pictures than actually riding.
Ps fuck you.
This is so fucking stupid. Why. Why is there a fashion show for snowboarding clothes. Why does the fucking newspaper feel the need to report it on the front page of the "life" section? And of course, mainstream media can't say anything about snowboarding without mentioning Shaun White. So I may as well talk about him now and get it over with. Apparently Shaun White has started a new trend in snowboarding by wearing skinny pants. Uhh have these people not been on a mountain in the last 6 years? Guys have been wearing girl pants for a while now. "Oh sure you can say that Josh but you have no proof/you are jealous that Shaun White is so cool with his leather pants and shit"..Well as to the first part I will put up some links to shred videos where dudes are wearing girl pants and as to the second part yes I am jealous of Shaun White's skill but no I am not jealous of how he is a ginger and rides pipe all the time.
Jed Anderson, filmed in 07/08
LNP, filmed 08/09
these fuckers, filmed sometime in the 80s
The point is that Shaun White is not the first guy to put on a pair of nut huggers. Nor is he the first to do doubles in the pipe but in all fairness he does go bigger and spin more. Well no, that's not really the point either. The point is that these fuck heads at the columbian say things like “If anyone can pull off a controversial look like that on the mountain it is Shaun,” A controversial look? I've seen old fat ladies in spandex with half a pant leg wedged in their ass crack. That is controversial. I've also seen a white guy with a sombrero and a fake mustache. Also controversial and a little racial, but still funny nonetheless. Its just super annoying when these god awful reporters/journalists cover snowboarding and they obviously have no idea what the fuck they are talking about, they just want to exploit the popularity of the sport for personal exposure/gain. Some whore also said this: "Key colors will include saffron oranges, red wine shades, muted tans, and daffodil, tapioca and banana yellows, Pesce said. For cool colors, look for a range from icy blue to cornflower to royal blue to deep navy, with turquoise or teal greens and a more acidic or sulfuric green rather than kelly green, she said. Sandstone, dusty champagne and mauve also figure to be key." Key? Key to what? Did I miss something? Did Timberline hire a fashion patrol to go along with the asshole ski patrollers that yell at me when I duck the ropes to get some pow shots(not a fucking crime lighten up you fucks)? I can just imagine somebody getting to the lift and then some effeminate dude with fuzzy boots on yelling "PLAID DOES NOT GO WITH POLKA DOTS, TAKE HIS PASS!!!!!" at a poor greasy dude who is wearing 06/07 gear that he borrowed from 3 different people. And the poor greasy dude would punch the guy out, light up a cig, get on the lift and we'd all laugh about it.
"Warmth is always important in the mountains, and Quiksilver is introducing the Cypher heating jacket next season, with a rechargeable battery to heat up panels on the lower back and torso." -Fuck Head from the article
Oh you mean like the Nomis Toasty Jacket that came out in 09(two years ago for those of you lacking basic math skills). Stuuuuuupid
"For hard goods, wood grains are appearing on snowboards and skis."
Well here's a fun fact, snowboards are actually MADE of wood on the inside. WATCH OUT HERE COMES ANOTHER FUN FUCKING FACT: the topsheet is usually made of some sort of plastic, which you can sometimes SEE THROUGH!!!! THUS YOU CAN SEE THE WOOD GRAIN!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!!! This has only been happening since like 95 though so whoever this is quoting wasn't too far behind on his shit (Sarcasm, see #91).
Here is how I see it. Even if your jacket costs more than my whole set up, and even if you have wood grains and muted colors and all that shit, if you go under the lift I'm still going to throw a snowball at you. And if you eat shit on something I'm still going to laugh at you. If you are banking on me seeing you in the lodge and thinking to myself "damn that person has hella nice shit they must be pro/raw as fuck" then you are out of luck again because I actually snowboard all day when I go up to the mountain unlike you fair weather weekend fucks who spend more time posing for pictures than actually riding.
Ps fuck you.
Monday, February 28, 2011
#95: BMX/Mountain Bikes
You guys on your bikes doing flippy whips and flair stalls are SO cool. Haha oops I thought today was "Say the exact opposite of what you mean" day. Now that I know that it isn't, can you fuck heads get a new fucking hobby? Don't give me any stupid shit about how its fucking hard or whatever because I'm sure it is hard to be really good and do a double backflip and shit like that, but its also probably really hard (oral sex pun) to be really good at sucking a dick. That does not, however mean that its super awesome to go around sucking dicks like they were fleshy push pops. I (and everyone else who's not autistic) learned how to ride a bike when I was like 6 but then I moved on to cooler shit like snowboarding and taking dumps facing backwards on the toilet.
BMX: Hey man hop on my pegs and ride with me hehe we're so cool. Nope. You are a fuck head. Even better is when I see kids sitting on the handlebars of some other kids bike. I always think "eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit" but they never do, its such a buzzkill. Thanks for chopping up the ledges too by the way, ledges are for skateboards. I can't count how many skate spots I have been to where the god damn ledges look like Attila the Hun tried to butt fuck the concrete. I only skate in the summer when its not snowboarding season but still. Don't you guys have some dirt jumps to ride or what.
Mountain Bikes: Mountains. They were made for snowboarding and skiing. Not fucking climbing, or biking, or any other retarded shit that fuck heads like to do. I have heard the argument that mountain biking is way gnarlier than snow sports because "we fall on rocks and dirt not powder man mehhhhhh"...Well if you knew anything about Mt. Hood, a decent powder day happens about 4 times every year. And usually its when the snow is already low, which means we can still fall on rocks we just can't see them before we do land on them cause they happen to be covered by .5 inches of snow. Try sending a 30 foot cliff at 7 at night in 20 degree weather, mountain biking guys, and then we can talk about who is gnarlier. Plus, we are strapped in to our shit. We can't just decide that our dicks are too small halfway through the air and kick the bike away. No. We are going down with that fucker. Which is especially fun on rails. Catching an edge on a rail and falling backwards onto what is either going to be ice, metal, or wood is not a fun thing to do. Last time I checked mountain bikes weren't man enough to even do rails so you guys should probably just STFU and GTFO.
BMX: Hey man hop on my pegs and ride with me hehe we're so cool. Nope. You are a fuck head. Even better is when I see kids sitting on the handlebars of some other kids bike. I always think "eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit" but they never do, its such a buzzkill. Thanks for chopping up the ledges too by the way, ledges are for skateboards. I can't count how many skate spots I have been to where the god damn ledges look like Attila the Hun tried to butt fuck the concrete. I only skate in the summer when its not snowboarding season but still. Don't you guys have some dirt jumps to ride or what.
Mountain Bikes: Mountains. They were made for snowboarding and skiing. Not fucking climbing, or biking, or any other retarded shit that fuck heads like to do. I have heard the argument that mountain biking is way gnarlier than snow sports because "we fall on rocks and dirt not powder man mehhhhhh"...Well if you knew anything about Mt. Hood, a decent powder day happens about 4 times every year. And usually its when the snow is already low, which means we can still fall on rocks we just can't see them before we do land on them cause they happen to be covered by .5 inches of snow. Try sending a 30 foot cliff at 7 at night in 20 degree weather, mountain biking guys, and then we can talk about who is gnarlier. Plus, we are strapped in to our shit. We can't just decide that our dicks are too small halfway through the air and kick the bike away. No. We are going down with that fucker. Which is especially fun on rails. Catching an edge on a rail and falling backwards onto what is either going to be ice, metal, or wood is not a fun thing to do. Last time I checked mountain bikes weren't man enough to even do rails so you guys should probably just STFU and GTFO.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
#94: The Host In Minute To Win It
I did a little research and I guess this guy's name is actually Guy. Guy Fieri...Now, I'm going to pose a question to you and I want you to think real hard. Put your thinking pants on for this one. Have you ever met or heard about someone named "Guy" and not instantly wanted to push him off a freeway bridge? Preferably one that's over something more "concrete" than water (that was a pun)? No you have not. If you have, I want you to real quick do something for me and that something is play on the freeway at night in black clothing. Back to this Guy guy...I believe he was at one point some sort of cook, or chef, or whatever the fuck it is fat assholes who stare at food all day call themselves. He looks like a pudgy more gay Lance Bass. What the fuck is up with that hair? Lance Bass is a huge homo and he doesn't even frost his tips anymore. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Not everything in the 90s was cool, unfortunately. His wikipedia page says that he got a Bachelor's degree in "Hospitality Management" from UNLV. Aka he did nothing with his life while in college. He has also been in an Aflac commercial with that stupid duck. If you are wondering why the duck is so fucking stupid and its voice makes you want to end the life of any duck you ever see, its because Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of the duck. No am I not making this up. That means Gilbert Gottfried and some fuck head who used to be a professional woman aka he cooked food for a living were in the same scene. Those two people combined have got to be stupider than John Travolta's dead son(was). Oh too soon(no)?...I don't give a fuck if Gilbert was Zazu in Lion King, Zazu was a piece of shit nag who ruined everyone's fun all the time. Even when I was 6 I knew that he was a fucking buzzkill and I didn't want anything to do with him. Guy Fieri has also been in commercials for T.G.I. Friday's, which is about 3 notches above Applebee's on the "places I'd rather commit arson to than eat at" scale. And Applebee's is pretty far down on that scale. Guy is also of Italian and Irish ancestry, which means he is going to be a fat stupid alcoholic, if he isn't already. His original last name was Ferry, but he changed it to Fieri since I guess he felt he wanted people to think he was an even bigger douche than he already was? I don't know. He said it was because he wanted to identify more with his Italian heritage. Well here's and idea for you GUY if Italy is so great why don't you fuck off and live there forever and ever.
Monday, February 14, 2011
#93: Dear Abby Pt. II
The first installment was such a hit that I thought I'd do another one. I mean really there is a bottomless well of material on this one, I can't even fathom the number of dipshits with stupid problems that write in asking fuck head questions.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.
HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ
DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT
Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.
Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.
HAHAHA this person is like my polar opposite. When I go to the store, I like to punch infants in their not-yet-formed skulls while their mother shops for mashed up garbanzo bean baby food. Not to mention she has another fucking whore quote in there, "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Yeah? Everyone? Obviously, because you seem to be getting RAVE reviews from the people at your grocery store. Three sentences in and already Ms. McShitforbrains has proved herself a stupid cunt. She may as well have said "I am a 46-year-old single bored woman who gave up on her dreams of being a C-list movie star to marry my high school sweetheart, but then that went in the shitter after he fucked his secretary so now I go around trying to wring happiness out of the dirty washcloth that is society." I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? This is 2011 not 1969. People are assholes. What with all the god damn press about rapes and murders and fucked up shit happening to normal people, everyone is paranoid of everything. She's lucky she's a chick, if a dude did that he'd have either gotten beat the fuck up or slapped with a harassment suit. So onto my advice. What I think you should do, "Have A Nice Day", is to fucking have a nice day, have a great day, but fucking keep it to yourself. Because most of the rest of us live in the real world with real problems and we are bummed out or pissed off or annoyed 90% of the time and we don't need some fucking old woman smiling at us like we are Snow White and you are the witch handing out poison apples. Christ
DEAR ABBY: How long should I hold onto greeting cards from family and friends who send them on my birthday and holidays? I feel guilty throwing away something that someone spent time and money on for me, but they're doing nothing more than taking up space in a drawer. -- CLUTTERED WITH CARDS IN CONNECTICUT
Fucking throw them away, what are you 12? Time and money my ass. They went to fucking Target, looked at the card section and bought the cheap one on the end for 85 cents. If they aren't those cards where they have the song that plays when you open them then they aren't worth their weight in human shit anyways. What is so fucking heartfelt about writing "best wishes, Brad and His Wife The Dumb Cunt" on some Hallmark garbage that was probably written by a 35 year old virgin with a needle dick? Answer: Nothing. In my professional opinion, and I have a P.H.D. in being a fucking prick, you should throw them out and get some friends who actually interact with you on holidays rather than send you some folded cardboard and ink. Jesus, who are these fucks?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)