So many things that I hate. 100 of them I have written about (I know it says 99 but there was an 11.5 in there for some reason) on this stupid blog. And I do hate them, each and every one. The posts are like my children that I fathered when I was drunk and forgot to pull out, but somehow they turned into decent kids and I play catch with them on weekends and take them for ice cream sometimes and shit. We're not close by any means, but they feel comfortable asking me for money at least. Anyways, now I think it would be a good time to write about the things that make me happy, because the world needs some good old fashioned positivity! Yea optimism!!
I like it when people I hate have bad things happen to them. For instance, if I read on facebook that one of my ex girlfriends is having a bad day, or is dating some complete tool, or maybe even got hit by an Amtrack train, then my face just lights up. You can say that you wish the best for your ex and it may not be the cool thing to do to denounce them publicly but really its enjoyable when they fail. That is an inarguable fact. Call me a piece of shit! I really could care less. You can't sit (or rather stand I guess) there on your soapbox and tell me that every time little Vicky Derkins who took your virginity/ripped your heart out and spat on it in 9th grade posts on her status "terrible day. just need a friend :(" you don't chuckle to yourself at least on the inside a little bit. Its perfectly natural and healthy to embrace the dickhead in yourself. Which, coincidentally, is what I told a chick last night when she was having second thoughts about taking my penis in her ass.
Another thing I enjoy immensely is when little kids hurt themselves. It is absolutely priceless when I see some poor little shit on skis fucking snowplow into a tree and do one of those little kid cries. There are 8 elements to a little kid cry, at least the good ones.
1. Child hits object
2. Child falls on the ground
3. Child processes the fact that it just ran into a tree going 5 mph
4. Child is unnecessarily frightened by this fact (a second or two has passed since the initial contact by now)
5. Child's mouth begins to open, but no sound comes out - yet
6. Child begins to emit a screeching noise that starts quiet but continually gets louder, like eeeeeEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OWWIE OWWIE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7. Child's parent(s) come over telling them its going to be okay and that they are fine even though the parent a) was not looking when the child fell and b)can obviously see that the child's legs are bent at an impossibly awkward position
8. I laugh at the child's misfortune, and also at the spiderweb racing spandex his parents are wearing
Don't worry though, young kids never get seriously injured by anything ever, their bones are made of rubber until age 10 I'm pretty sure. I looked it up on WebMD.
Things That I Like That Don't Involve Someone Else's Physical Pain: JWoww's(don't know her real name) tits. Those are just a fantastic pair of dick slippers (yes I just made that term up, and yes you can use it) no ifs ands or buts about it. I like The Office, even if the newer episodes have been kind of a let down. I like drinking Jack Daniel's from the bottle because then I can tell women that they can only have some if they take it straight, which leads to them either drinking an amount that wouldn't quench the thirst of a dying African, or refusing it completely thus leaving me more JD. I like putting more than one comma in a sentence. I like watching dudes try really hard at a party to get with a chick when she's sober, and then I like watching myself face fuck said whore in a bathroom 20 minutes after introducing myself when she's drunk. I like putting things in parentheses. I like fuzzy socks. If you don't like fuzzy socks because they are "effeminate" then you are obviously not secure in your sexuality because those things are awesome. I like saying the phrase "you can't buy milk in the bread aisle" at random nonsensical times. And finally, I like finding creative ways/places to piss when I'm drunk.
There it is...Everything you need to know about me, the asshole. This is probably the last blog ever because there's no way I could get to 200 and anything else after 100 would just look stupid. So finally, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK OFF
You should do a blog on herpes awareness. Or at least begin work on a herpes charity.
ReplyDeleteI know you said this is your last post, but could you write some of your dead celebrity jokes on here?
ReplyDeleteI waaaant to make a pooooo pooooooooo on yoooooouuuuuuuu!
ReplyDeleteI agree, herpes for everyone!
ReplyDeleteyour next blog should be about whales. save the whales. i like whales, so don't let them become extinct. write a blog about whales.
ReplyDeleteyea, whales or anal beads....which ever one is more salient.
ReplyDeletelol i dont know any celebrities that have recently died, sorry. also, no more blogs, but here's a thought: what if whales used anal beads? how would they use them (flippers, put them in their baleen and try to apply them orally)? would anal bead usage be accepted by most whales or looked on as taboo? Discuss.
ReplyDelete