#111: Dudes Who Text Like Chicks

We all know these people. There's always at least one guy in your circle of friends that just sends random ass "emoticons" or whatever the fuck you want to call them when they are unnecessary. Its like alright bro I know you have a girlfriend but jesus fuck learn to differentiate between the tone of a message to her and one to me (and while you're at it, kick that bitch to the curb, hell yeah) cause its weirding me out.

Let me post for you a text I received the other day, from a male someone who will remain nameless for their own sake. "I talked to my mexican brothers & they get $12/square. You okay with that? =-?\=D/" Now, I am going to ignore the slight racist tone of the first part of the text and focus on the two smiley faces at the end separated by a /. I'm not even sure what =-? is supposed to be, maybe its like a "can I suck you off?" face. Which I wouldn't mind except the small detail of the person sending me this was of the male gender. And despite what many closet homosexuals will tell their friends, getting your dick sucked by a guy is not only gay if you're the one sucking. It goes both ways (pun intended). So no thanks to that first smiley face pal. The second one is a little more straightforward, the classic =D. Now I'm not going to say for sure, but I'm about 90-95% sure that anyone who thinks that putting the D instead of a ) is cool shit is actually a fucking idiot. So there's that faux pas. Plus, when you send smiley faces to a dude and you are a dude, again, it sends weird messages.

#110: The Dentist

Going to the dentist is probably on my top 3 least favorite things to do ever, alongside listening to women talk about sports and pooping the day after drinking a 40. Its such a fucking racket too, yeah thanks for making my god damn gums bleed with your scalpel that has probably been inside 20-30 other mouths today. I really needed that. Some asshole out there is probably like "You just hate dentists cause you have shit teeth probably". Well the joke is on you, I have never had a cavity. So you can fucking blow me you gap toothed fuck ass. I would like to break down my most recent dentist visit for you guys cause it was just so enjoyable/made my day.

Chapter 1: Arrive At Dentist's Office Building

My dentist is in Portland, I'm still on my parents' dental plan and shit so I have no say in this. Portland blows cock, driving in Portland blows cock, and when you add those to the fact that I am driving to somewhere in Portland I would hate no matter where it was, you can gather that I am sufficiently pissed the fuck off before I even walk in the doors. The building my dentist is in is a super fancy business building where everyone there except for me owns like 30 suits and drinks martinis to "wind down". So naturally when I walk in wearing my dirty adidas, jeans, and a "take me to timberline" shirt I feel like everyone wants me to take the elevator to the top floor and jump the fuck off. But I do not do this. So they look at their briefcases in disgust.

Chapter 2: Get To Actual Dentist's Office

I check in. The lady at the desk is having a great day, according to her enormous gloating smile and her tone of voice, which sounds like someone telling a death row inmate which way the electric chair is. I instantly start an inner monologue sarcastically agreeing with everything she says (Yeah I'd LOVE to fucking write my name on this paper. Sure you can have my god damn driver's license, why the FUCK NOT). While I finish signing in I think of ways to slice her throat with the paper on the clipboard but I don't, on account of if I went to jail I would not get to snowboard this winter. She hands me a toothbrush and says I can go brush in the sink over there cause it will be about 5 minutes. Except this lady has forgotten one minor detail, which is that EVERY NORMAL PERSON FUCKING BRUSHES THEIR TEETH BEFORE THEY GO TO THE DENTIST ANYWAYS

Chapter 3: Called Back To The Chair

I say hello to my dentist who I have known since I was 8 or so. He opens with the same knee slapper I have heard every god damn time I go, "Hey tell your parents to stop feeding you har haw har har hee". "Ha" I say, when really I want to say "I've been 6'1 for 3 fucking years now". Then the ordeal begins.

Chapter 4: It Begins

Dentist 1, who is a 45-50 year old male, sticks a weird mirror stick in my mouth and begins scratching the shit out of my enamel with a sharp metal object, which is precisely what he told me not to do ever the last time I was here. Inevitably he fucks up a couple times and before long Dentist 2, a 25-30 year old female, has to stick a miniature plastic vacuum in my mouth and suck 95% of the moisture out, which includes lots of blood. This goes on for about 5 minutes but it feels like 30. then it is "one dentist leaves, the other dentist stays to make it awkward" time. The guy leaves and the chick sits there asking me weird questions like do you like football and how was your drive (shitty obviously this is Portland). I of course can't respond coherently on account of the plastic vacuum is still chilling in my mouth going HSSSSSHHSHFFFFFSHHHSHHHSSFSSSSSS and preventing me from forming any other sound besides OHSHHMMFMM. Dentist 2 nevertheless responds to everything I say like I am speaking normal words. Little does she know that I started just going OHSHHHMFFMMM a bunch and not even trying to make words about 4 visits ago. Fuckin whore. Then dentist 1 comes back and it's time for the coup de gras...

Chapter 5: Fluoride

If there was ever a time I wanted to be a 3rd world child, it is now. They never have to taste the awful taste of flavored fluoride. They are perfectly content with smearing poop on their teeth/faces, and in this moment I envy them. Faced with the harrowing choice of marshmallow, bubble gum, chocolate, banana, or mint, I have chosen marshmallow. Mainly because I haven't tried it before and I know all the other ones suck ass. I hold out h But, alas, marshmallow is just a shitty as all the others. It may even be more shitty, because it ruins the taste of marshmallows for me for the next month or so. The stupid fucking mouth vacuum is still in my mouth and I'm trying to funnel this marshmallow garbage towards it to get this stupid shit done with but it still takes like 3 hours (aka 10 minutes in real time). Then finally the stupid thing is done and I get up to leave.

Chapter 6: DON'T EAT ANYTHING FOR 1 GODDAMN HOUR YOU FUCKING FUCK

Of course I have no cavities cause I am a capital B Bauss. Dentist 1 asks if I want to pick a toy, or maybe a mood ring, out of a drawer in the front. I say no thanks, on the grounds that I am not a 5 year old. Before I completely get the fuck out of there though, I hear those 5 words I never want to hear from the receptionist..."We'll see you next time!" ..SHIT

#109: Shit Heads On Craigslist Pt. II

As many of you know, I like to snowboard. So using that information, you should be able to logically assume 2 things:
1. I am poor
2. I look for deals on snowboard shit all the time on craigslist

This leads to me finding such absolute gems as this. A Burton snowboard setup for only $320! Wow. And the board looks like it is only 6, 7 years old max. Plus, it comes with "wrenches"! Not sure what you use wrenches for on a snowboard, but who couldn't use more wrenches right? Its obvious from the way this guy's bindings are set up that he does mad sick freestyle maneuvers on the hill. They are set back about 10 cm, they are about a foot apart from each other, and the back binding is perpendicular to the edges. This is definitely the way to go, because having knee ligaments is for fucking pussies. Oh and I forgot to mention, having one random USA flag sticker makes you a boss and not a gaper.


This is a great deal as well, it was only used "maybe" one time. This board is so damn good that this guy can't even remember if he rode it or not. It probably blew his mind to the point of retardation because this setup is so awesome. His bindings also have a case of the perpendiculars but whatever, Technine bindings make you hood and you can't buy that kind of street cred (except when you buy this setup). Also, and this is a minor thing, super minor, but the boots are actually STEP IN BOOTS AND YOU DON'T HAVE STEP IN BINDINGS. I mean jesus christ how do you not notice that? There's a big fucking metal piece sticking out the side. Did you not think that was a little odd?

Lamar Snowboard with Bindings and Boota
Nice I have been looking for some Bootas. Plus, Lamar snowboards are like the best money can buy (no). They have binding's too, kemper's. Fuck it, we 'should ju'st put apo'strophe's before every 'single fucking 's out there! Cause who gives a fuck about punctuation/knowing things. No. Fuck you "Kyle". I wouldn't spend $20 on that pile of shit.


COMPLETE SNOWBOARD PCKG READY TO RIDE!!! - $300
Awesome!!!!! I have had many problems before with snowboards that just weren't ready to be ridden, sometimes they are just immature and won't do it, or sometimes they come from abusive relationships and you have to nurture them back into allowing you to ride them. So I get where this chick is coming from. The board is a brand I have never heard of called "Nollie" so you know its definitely quality construction. "I bought it at the Ski & Snowboard show for a lot more than I'm selling it for, and am asking $300 for ALL." Well JOANN its not the general public's fault you are a fucking idiot, $300 is still 100x what this shit is worth. Just because they sell it at the expo does not mean it is good. HOORAY GRESHAM!!!

Lamar snowboard - $300
I will be honest, the moment I saw "Lamar" and "$300" in the same sentence I knew this would be great. Here is a rule of thumb I have about Lamars(note the absence of an apostrophe), NEVER PAY MORE THAN $20 DOLLARS FOR ONE. And never use it unless you are boarding on rocks in summer or it is literally your first time ever. But, this post got even better when I clicked on it. The reason she is selling it is because....drum roll...She's having a baby!!!!! Hooray!!!!! HAHAHAHA so you are stupid, and you are a whore. If any retard buys that for 300 I think the average cost of an abortion is about 350...So just do what you normally do at night but this time ask the random guy if he can give you $50 first. Also though, $300 buys a lot of coathangers and/or alcohol. And stairs are free. Just saying.

#108: People Who Write Blogs

Seriously, who the fuck are you? How dare you. Not to mention, get a job/life/friends. No one can write a lot of blogs (we'll say anywhere around the century mark qualifies you) and still be a functioning member of society. I surf the net and I see blogs like this everywhere. Its complete bullshit! What kind of narcissistic asshole sits at his computer and types things that aren't "yo you want some dick" to random girls on facebook chat? You would think that eventually, these people would get the hint and just shut the fuck up because obviously no one wants to listen (read) to their stupid fucking complaints. I read one this one time that was a guy complaining about complainers! The gall of some people. The worst is the ones who use big words to try and sound smart like "narcissistic" and "blumpkin". Its like hey bro you're not fucking smart cause you know hella words, get over yourself. No Scripp's Spelling Bee winner ever got laid ever I'm pretty sure, so what does that tell you. Its especially lame when people go off on a tangent about things they like that no one else in the world gives a shit about, like extreme action snow sports or some other fag parade. Fuck that shit.

#107: The Man

As Jack Black so eloquently puts it, "the Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!" I'm not 100% sure on the rock and roll part because I wasn't alive in 1979 when rock and roll actually mattered but he is right about the other stuff. Shamu? Raped in the ass by the man. The ozone? Don't give a shit. But still probably fucked by the man. The man definitely came up with MTV, and he definitely puts shows like Teen Mom and shit on there. The Man told Rob Dyrdek to rip off Tosh.0 and quit doing Fantasy Factory episodes because he couldn't stand an actual normal decent show on MTV. The Man is in every pile of shit you step on in the grass, he is responsible every time your school runs out of the chocolate milks and you have to drink regular. People always say that the Man holds them down. Bullshit. The Man does not hold anyone down. He wraps his hands around their neck and forces their heads underwater until you think you're going to pass out, but then he lets you up for air and you take a long deep breath only to find out that while you were under SURPRISE the Man ripped ass and it smells like the inside of my 4 year old snowboard boots. The Man stopped Kellogs from making Wild Berry pop tarts, and he also got rid of Captain Crunch All Berries. The Man fishes with powerbait, and snags spawned out salmon for fun. He wrote the sequels to the Sandlot and he has funded every romantic comedy ever. He told people to wear shoelaces for belts. If the Man hasn't fucked you over yet, then you better die soon, cause it's only a matter of time before he catches up with you, bends you over, and blows a hot sticky load of fuck you all over your soul.

#106: Gresham

Gresham is a horrific shit hole of evil and repulsiveness located just east of Portland. If you have read every single one of these blogs then a) I'm extremely surprised and b) you know that I hate Portlanders. Portland as a city itself is ok. But Gresham is...there really aren't any words to describe it. Well "meth central" would work, as would "gang shootings are common here". Oh sure, there are random pockets of rich people's houses, but for the most part its just projects and duplexes with broken down Fords on the lawn. It was named after a postmaster general named Walter Q. Gresham who was actually kind of a bad ass. However, he died from stab wounds while trying to arrest a lawbreaker, laying the foundation for Gresham as it exists today. AKA a place where the majority of residents are criminals and overall shitty people. Let me tell you a story that sums up Gresham. Once upon a time I was driving to the mountain (duh) and I had to go through the sea of fuck that is Gresham because its the fastest way. I was driving past the bustling town square which consisted of 2 nail salons, a Little Caeser's, and the crown jewel, Chevron. I noticed that there were a shit ton of police cars with sirens on in the parking lot to my left. "Some tweaker probably killed a bunch of people," I said to my friend in the passenger seat not having any clue what was going on. Then we kept going, and the incident was forgotten until I got home later that evening and saw on the news that a dude had done a shit ton of meth, killed his wife, and literally ran naked down the street shooting his gun at random people about 20 minutes before I drove past! Neat. (I tried to find the actual news story but there are a shit ton of things like this that happen in Gresham and this particular one was like 2 years ago so I couldn't find it on Google) If you feel inclined, type in "Gresham Meth arrest" on google and see how many different stories there are. It's a lot! The city's unofficial nickname is Greshamphetamine. The reason its not an official nickname is because Gresham's city officials are too busy being crooked and not arresting gang members and wiping their ass with dirty 100 dollar bills covered in coke residue. That last part I don't know about. 75% sure though. I don't know which there are more of, dirty greasy russians who smoke like its 1945 and think that their entire immediate family is a "gang" that yells stupid shit at people, or hispanics (read:cholos) who smoke weed openly on the street and are actually in gangs. Showing up less frequently but still quite numerous are the lovable black people who wear sweatsuits and Lugz and who feel the need to make their voice be the loudest sound wherever they go, including intersections and Arby's bathrooms. Where are the white people you ask? Don't worry, they are in their basements/garages/barns cooking up a fresh batch of meth! This wonderful cornucopia of people is complimented beautifully with the city's architecture, the theme of which appears to be Shit In Your Own Front Yard And Never Have All Your Windows Intact. Every once in a while I'll see a normal looking person and I just feel so sorry for them. It's probably like being a little herbivore dinosaur in the late Jurrasic surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Velociraptors and T-Rexes, only the Velociraptors have handguns in their sagging Dickies shorts and the T-Rexes shout obscenities at the top of their lungs while riding bikes with spinner rims and 4 foot high handlebars. Oh and every other week or so there are werewolves with rat tails and scraggly beards that come out of the ground, but not normal werewolves, werewolves on meth with crazy amphetamine strength. That's Gresham.

#105: MTV Made Episode. 38 Snowboarder Ashley

Let me begin by saying I don't watch Made ever, because its fucking retarded and the people on it are fucking retarded. But, one time I noticed they were doing a snowboarding episode. So, against my better judgement, I watched it. The intro alone was fucking horrific, with some cunt doing a voiceover saying shit like "Ever since Ashley moved from California to Wisconsin, her social life has been OVER" and "she's going to be made into a super shredding snowboarder". So already MTV is turning this into a dumb cunt therapy session that really has nothing to do with snowboarding. Just to give you an idea of what a stupid fucking whore this Ashley girl is, she works at a hotel and some people came in with a bunch of bags and asked her to help them get them upstairs and her response was "Are you for real?" Like asking the hotel employee to help you with your luggage is the most condescending asshole shit you could ever do. So that's what we are working with here.

Her shit head "coaches" show up and they go snowboarding aka some fucking asshole wearing rainbow allover print clothes and Bolle goggles gives her a piggyback ride down the hill. Great first lesson. Oh and he keeps calling her cupcake? Which is pretty fucking weird if you ask me. Who calls someone cupcake? No one I have ever known. Or seen on TV. Except this asshole apparently! But, anyways, he keeps it in his pants somehow long enough to teach her how to ride A BOX. Nevermind the fact that this girl has not actually ridden on snow farther than 3 feet without falling over like an infant. This is a great idea on his part because we all know the best/safest thing for people in the actual park (where the boxes are) is to have people who can't stop or turn careening down the run beside them like Ryan Dunn in a Porsche (sarcasm). Then after 4 or 5 "attempts" to 50 50 a 4 foot box she throws a fit. Now, up until this point I had some respect for this atrocious whore because at least she was trying to snowboard and we all start out being shitty, but it went down the drain when she threw a fit like my 8 year old cousin because she sucked. I don't know what it is but girls always have to fucking whine and bitch and moan when they suck at snowboarding and fall a lot. I have taken many beginners with me to show them the ropes cause I'm a nice guy (LOL) but the only people that throw fits are the girls. I would say 95% of the people I see having a bad time on the mountain are chicks. Why? I don't know. Maybe because all girls are stupid and have the patience of 8 year olds. But I can't say for sure. Anyways here is a NEWS FLASH for everyone thinking about learning to snowboard because they saw the Art of Flight ad on ESPN or because they want to go to the X Games and have Shaun White mushroom stamp them or some other stupid shit like that:

YOU WILL NOT BE GOOD AT SNOWBOARDING THE FIRST TIME YOU DO IT. YOU WILL FALL ON YOUR FACE AND YOUR ASS AND YOU WILL BE SORE AND COLD(BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A MOUNTAIN/IN SNOW) AND FEEL RETARDED EVERY TIME YOU FALL OVER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

Coincidentally though, just like anything else that requires physical coordination, you will get better the more you do it. It took me about 3 or 4 times to even link turns. Then it took me like a year to learn to ride switch and not look like a goofy fuck. So if you're going to be one of those people who just buy Oakleys and hangs them up on their rearview mirror so you can tell girls you are "thinking about hitting up the mountain on Saturday" then please do yourself and me a favor and don't even bother actually snowboarding because you will look like a fool and you won't enjoy it. Stupid fucking Ashley is one of these people who snowboards because she thinks other people want her to do it, not because she wants to do it. She is everything I hate in this world.

Then OMG KEEGAN SHOWS UP TO SHRED THE BOX IN HER FRONT YARD RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO DO IT BUT IT DISTRACTS ASHLEY AND SHE FALLS MEHHHHH :((((((((((((
Yes that is correct, Ashley's main reason for learning to snowboard was to impress Keegan, the neighborhood fuck head shit for brains asshole with a scene haircut. I'm thinking to myself Ok this kid is at least going to be somewhat cool right? If he is known as "snowboarder guy" to the chicks at school. But then he gets out of the car and I notice he is wearing jeans tucked into his boots and a camo hunting jacket. Hmmm I say maybe he is trying to be ironic. Then he drops in on the box, which let me remind you is a RIDE ON, 4 FOOT LONG MONSTER OF A FEATURE and gracefully slides off halfway through his steezy ass 50 50 and falls down. Well not only does he fall down, but he runs into someone's legs also. So it apparently is a match made in heaven because they are both poser ass fuck heads. They really deserve each other.

To save a lot of time I will just sum up the last half of the episode. She throws approximately 5 fits, all related to how hard it is to learn to snowboard AND go to school AND work 2 hours a day at her dad's hotel. She doesn't ever actually get better at snowboarding. She does get to go to Woodward and fuck around in the foam pit. Somehow, she jumps into the foam pit and knees herself in the face. This results in A BLOODY LIP HOLY SHIT and she of course has to cry about it for 10-15 minutes. After that ridiculous show of athleticism/maturity, she gets to go on a weeklong trip to Colorado. It shows a few clips of her coaches and it turns out that they can't even ride fucking switch. Cool. Then, at the end, she enters a "contest" aka a couple of girls try to 50 50 boxes and she loses because she still can't actually snowboard. Then her dad gives her a hug and Keegan takes her to browntown. Probably.


Disclaimer: Some people say hey you talk about snowboarding too much what the fuck is wrong with you? To which I respond: this website is called "shit that pisses ME off" not "shit that all you fucking assholes think I should care about" so kindly eat a dick if you are upset with the content within. :)