#82: That Godawful Tempur-Pedic Commercial I Just Saw

So I was sitting here watching TV waiting for the Office to be on and this fucking shit show of a commercial comes on for those Tempur-Pedic beds (the ones that demonstrate how alcoholics can still play with their kids because little Timmy's not going to knock over your glass of red wine when he is bouncing on the bed). The premise is apparently that people of all races and ages fucking go bat shit over Tempur-Pedic beds and they got all these people into a white room to spout inanely about how they would suck a hobbit off just for one night on a Tempur-Pedic. They always tell you to ask them about their fucking bed they sleep in. What the fuck? Do I look like some sort of creepy sleep fetish pillow-fucking asshole? NO. I do not. One old cunt says "Ask me about staying asleep!" and I say "How do you sleep so comfortably knowing that you have one foot in the fucking grave and that sleep apnea could put you down any time you doze off for longer than 10 minutes?" I would actually like to answer a couple of these people's questions that they have posed.

"Ask me what it's like to get your best night's sleep every night" -Some ginger whore
Well ginger whore, I don't get a good night's sleep every night, and unless Tempur-Pedic foam has a magical ingredient that can make the fat chick I just fucked when I was shithoused look less like a mature walrus, then I don't think my morning is going to be too great either. Fuck you and your recessive fucking red hair gene.

"Just ask me" -some pregnant dipshit
Ask you what? What the FUCK do you want me to ask you? I do have a question actually, how is it that you are like 8 months pregnant yet there is no engagement ring on your finger? Ol Tempur-Pedic wasn't seeing a lot of sleeping apparently. Your bed also wasn't seeing a lot of responsible fathers either, which is a little bit more of a bummer. My advice? Take the money you got paid for the commercial and abort the FUCK out of that fetus cause it's doomed already (I'm assuming the deadbeat dad is a minority as well).

"Ask me about how fast I fall asleep" -some weird ass fuck head looking guy
Uh no? I don't give a fuck how fast you fall asleep. What if you wanted to read a book in bed? You'd get like 3 pages done every night. Slowly but surely making you illiterate (this is for sure true) and probably impotent somehow as well. Really though, what a skeezeball thing to say. What he said before they edited it probably sounded like this: "I fall asleep so fucking fast. Ask me about how fast I fall asleep. You have no idea. When I'm at your house, you can go to sleep before me because I fall asleep so fast its ridiculous. I won't smell your hair while you sleep or take your toothbrush from your bathroom and build a shrine to it later. I definitely won't wear your underwear either so no worries there."

"Ask me how we took the first step" -dude that looks like Shawne Merriman who has a girl on his arm that hilariously decided not to look at the camera but at a point 3 inches down and 2 inches to the left of it creating an endearing but still embarassing "dipshit look". Hopefully the "first steps" those people took were to a urologist so that goofy looking bald fuck can get a much needed vasectomy.