#44: Beer Pong Assholes

What is the object of beer pong? The object is obviously to get shithoused. Otherwise you wouldn't drink beer while you were playing it. This is why its such an awesome game. Even if you lose, you still win. And it also can't be a real sport because I've seen women beat men at it (this has never happened to me personally FYI). So whats up with these soupy ass fuck heads that think winning a game of beer pong or knowing every single rule ever invented for it makes them the coolest thing since raw dogging? Answer: these are the people who have never been good at anything else in their entire lives. Since they take beer pong so fucking seriously they think it makes them king of the castle or some shit. But really it just makes them seem like a tool.



STORY TIME-So no shit there I am at my friend's house, I don't remember exactly when but it was sometime last summer. And I'm playing beer pong with some kid who I don't know and is already rubbing me the wrong way. By "rubbing me the wrong way" I mean that if this kid was standing on the road and a bus was coming by at a high speed I probably would push him in front of it. Let's call him "Dipshit McGraw". I had my beer in my hand that I had filled with like 2 cups cause I had already drank like 3/4ths of a bottle of Burnett's and that shit is gross, so I wanted to kind of pace myself considering it was 6 in the afternoon. Then my phone rings, and I put my cup down on the table and go pick it up. Next thing I know Dipshit McGraw is yelling some stupid "Death Cup Death Cup" bullshit at me and the other kids are just confused. So I say "Oh Dipshit McGraw, whatever the FUCK are you talking about" and he gives me some gayness about how the ball landed in my beer cup I had earlier put down on the table. "So we'll wash it off then" I say. Nope apparently the DEATH CUP means we lose instantly, or so says Dipshit McGraw. Now I can understand that he was bummed about losing but then he started whining about how shitty I was and telling other people shit like don't talk to that guy he's an idiot. Just generally being a stuck up faggot. A)if you were that concerned about winning why the fuck did you even bring it up because no one else knows what you're talking about and B) its a game of beer pong so get a fucking grip. Oh and I failed to mention all this kid had had to drink was 3 beer cups and maybe two Keystone lights. So in addition to being a fucking idiot he was also a lightweight. Probably had a baby dick too.


The moral of this story is don't be a fucking idiot and bring the vibe of the party down just because you lost a game of beer pong. And don't be an asshole when someone doesn't know all the fucking rules ever created. Most of us don't sit on the computer and look up beer pong rules we can bring up to seem cool at the next party we go to. In fact, here's another rule I just came up with. If you know all the rules to beer pong, you are therefore banned from all parties to think about how pathetic it is that you know so much about beer pong.

#27: Stupid Shit That People Say To Me

I hate people. So much. So I especially don't like it when dumbasses say stupid shit to my face. I also don't like it when dumbasses say stupid shit on TV, or somewhere not to my face but I still hear about it. I'm just going to run down a list of stupid shit fuck heads have said to me...
"Sorry man I was drunk" (as an excuse for breaking/losing something)
Well MAN I really couldn't give less of a shit if you were drunk, or on heroin, or just plain old retarded, I want my 20$ back. And you better find my fucking phone charger. It's not my fault that you can't hold your liquor/don't know when to stop drinking. Let's put this out there right now: BEING DRUNK IS NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE FOR DOING SOMETHING STUPID. "Oh but you shouldn't be held responsible for your drunk actions because the alcohol affects your judgement bla bla bla" Well it was your fucking idea to drink the shit anyways. So man the fuck up and find my shit fuck face.

"I'm quitting facebook" (as a Facebook status)
This one is pretty god damn cut and dried. If you are quitting facebook, its probably because you say you don't care about it or it gets in the way of your everyday life. So why THE FUCK would you take time and effort to get on a computer and announce the fact that you will not be on facebook anymore? Are you that popular that people will be upset? Hold on, let me answer that question for you. NO. People who do this are human contact whores who can't wait to get fucked in their figurative loose asshole by the horse cock of attention.

"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go" - that whore in Titanic
Hahahahahahaha flash forward 2 minutes later BOOM Jack is a drowning victim.

Some dumb bitch had the nerve to tell me that "that's what she said" is from The Office. Now, I love The Office as much as anyone whos not borderline retarded but "that's what she said" is from Wayne's World. And when I told her she was wrong, she said that she knew for a fact that it came from The Office. So of course I kicked her dead in the ovaries. Because no one wants a dumb whore like that reproducing.

"Having a kid when I was in high school/any younger than 24 was the best thing that ever happened to me"*
Well...You must have had a shitty life before that. Have fun not getting laid and hanging out with an infant all the time. Sounds super awesome to me...NOT
* This also pertains to people who get married before then...I don't care how many times you post a facebook status about how in love you are, unless you're a member of a strict religion, your marriage is going to pull a Flight 93 within 2 years. Unless you never find out about how your wife gets railed on the weekend by a dude named Johann. But then you still lose so it really doesn't matter.